A Heads or Tails Fic for Misstia
Title: Fester Surprise the Family
Genre: Addams Family
Rating: PG
Prompt: Title
Requester: Misstia
I hope that you have fun on your visit to my favorite family. Thanks for playing along and also my thanks to Sparky for her beta.
"When you are an Addams, very little surprises you,” Morticia said proudly. She slowly flipped over the page in the photo album.
“Because we are intuitively cunning and derisive?” Wednesday was not the sort of child who beat around the bush.
“That’s what your father would like to think and perhaps that is true of the Addams women.”
“What of the Frump women, Mother?”
“Well, let me put it to you this way, there are no Frump men… at least none of longstanding.”
Wednesday couldn’t help but feel superior. Not only was she an Addams, but also a Frump. “Who is that?” She pointed to a man posing between two white-jacketed men.
“Your cousin, Elouises. He managed to run a Home for the Criminally Insane for two years.”
“That’s hardly a record.”
“It is when you should have been an inmate from the start. His brother was a clever forger and created some very realistic credentials for him.”
Wednesday watched Pugsley tossing some ninja stars at a portrait of Great Uncle Beener. “It’s nice that some people have siblings of worth.”
“Now, Wednesday, Addams men mature more slowly than others. Look at Uncle Fester.”
The man happened to be passing through the parlor at that moment and turned at the sound of his name. “Did you need me, Morticia?”
“Mother was explaining that Addams men mature later in life.”
“It’s true.” A ninja star buzzed past his nose. “Pugsley will come of age soon.”
“But she meant--” Morticia’s raised hand stopped Wednesday. “Of course, Uncle Fester.”
Still, Fester knew something was up. He walked out of the room quickly and paused to conceal himself behind some very dusty curtains. Morticia watched him and inwardly sighed.
“Mother, I thought you said--”
“Dear, the one thing you must learn about Addams men is that they frequently overlook the obvious.” She glanced in the direction of the curtains, Fester’s ample shape poor hidden.
“I understand.”
Fester felt a sneeze tickling his nose and he hastily retreated to the kitchen before sneezing.
“If you’re going to come in here to do that, at least aim it towards the plates.”
“Grandmamma, can I ask you something?”
“No, we are not having stuffed weasel again this week. I’m working on a nice casserole of sea cucumbers and seaweed.”
“Not that nutritional stuff, I hope. I had gas for a week.”
“We know.”
“Is it true what they say about Addams men maturing later in life?”
“First you’d have to find one.”
“An Addams man?”
“A mature one.”
“I’ll show you! I’ll show everyone!” The words stung and Fester hurried away. But he was mature! He hadn’t slept with a night light or a stuffed toy for years… well, months at least.
He plopped down on a settee and frowned at the clouds of dust that the action created. There was a creak and he glanced over at Thing appeared. It tapped Fester’s leg and he lifted the hand up.
“Thing, do you think I’m mature?”
The hand fumbled for an answer. He wasn’t usually tongue tied.
“What is mature anyhow?”
The next moment, Thing had a dictionary and was racing through it. He tapped a spot on the page and Fester pulled out a pair of glasses.
“Mature, adjective, to be fully developed physically.” Fester looked down at himself. “I don’t think I’m developing much more than this physically.” He continued to read. “Having attained a final or desired state.” He sighed. “What more could anyone want?”
Thing choose wisely to stay quiet. He slipped off Fester’s lap and disappeared just as Gomez appeared.
“Gomez, am I mature?”
“Why would you want to be?” Gomez pulled a slender cigarillo from the pocket of his jacket and began to puff on it. “From what I hear, it’s grossly overrated.”
“But how do I know when I’ve reached my full potential?”
“A little secret, Fester, no man ever really does because women keep moving the gate.”
“Even wives?”
“Especially wives. My advice is to stay immature as long as possible.” He settled into his favorite chair and started looking at the mail. “What brought this up?”
“Morticia said that Addams men took a long time to mature. Grandmamma hinted that we never do.”
“She’d know.” Gomez set the mail aside and gestured him close. “Let me clue you in on a closely guarded secret, Fester.”
Eagerly, Fester huddled close to his brother, coughing slightly from the smoke. “What is it?”
“We’re mature, but we merely act immature. That way, our women stay around to take care of us. What interest would we be to them if we weren’t a project in the works?”
“I’m not sure--”
“Who is? All I know is that it works for me and give me time to pursue more worthwhile things.”
“Such as?”
“Wanton mayhem and a disregard for public safety.”
“That does sound more fun than mowing the grass and joining the PTA,” Fester admitted.
“Exactly!”
Fester turned around and saw Grandmamma at the entrance to the room. She was looking a bit sheepish, as was Morticia and Wednesday.
“Dear Uncle Fester,” Morticia surged forward. “We didn’t mean for a moment to insult you. Wednesday, do you have something to say?”
“Yes, don’t change, Uncle Fester. I quite like the befuddled version of you.”
“Thank you… I think.” Before he could say anything else, Grandmamma took his hand.
“Now come along. I have some nice hemlock tea brewing and it should just be ready.”
“With some of those little cookies with the pink frosting?”
“And Red Dye No. 2. Nothing but the best for my Addams’ men.”
Fester giggled, Gomez beamed and once again peace descended upon the household. At least it would until Pugsley blew something up.
Genre: Addams Family
Rating: PG
Prompt: Title
Requester: Misstia
I hope that you have fun on your visit to my favorite family. Thanks for playing along and also my thanks to Sparky for her beta.
"When you are an Addams, very little surprises you,” Morticia said proudly. She slowly flipped over the page in the photo album.
“Because we are intuitively cunning and derisive?” Wednesday was not the sort of child who beat around the bush.
“That’s what your father would like to think and perhaps that is true of the Addams women.”
“What of the Frump women, Mother?”
“Well, let me put it to you this way, there are no Frump men… at least none of longstanding.”
Wednesday couldn’t help but feel superior. Not only was she an Addams, but also a Frump. “Who is that?” She pointed to a man posing between two white-jacketed men.
“Your cousin, Elouises. He managed to run a Home for the Criminally Insane for two years.”
“That’s hardly a record.”
“It is when you should have been an inmate from the start. His brother was a clever forger and created some very realistic credentials for him.”
Wednesday watched Pugsley tossing some ninja stars at a portrait of Great Uncle Beener. “It’s nice that some people have siblings of worth.”
“Now, Wednesday, Addams men mature more slowly than others. Look at Uncle Fester.”
The man happened to be passing through the parlor at that moment and turned at the sound of his name. “Did you need me, Morticia?”
“Mother was explaining that Addams men mature later in life.”
“It’s true.” A ninja star buzzed past his nose. “Pugsley will come of age soon.”
“But she meant--” Morticia’s raised hand stopped Wednesday. “Of course, Uncle Fester.”
Still, Fester knew something was up. He walked out of the room quickly and paused to conceal himself behind some very dusty curtains. Morticia watched him and inwardly sighed.
“Mother, I thought you said--”
“Dear, the one thing you must learn about Addams men is that they frequently overlook the obvious.” She glanced in the direction of the curtains, Fester’s ample shape poor hidden.
“I understand.”
Fester felt a sneeze tickling his nose and he hastily retreated to the kitchen before sneezing.
“If you’re going to come in here to do that, at least aim it towards the plates.”
“Grandmamma, can I ask you something?”
“No, we are not having stuffed weasel again this week. I’m working on a nice casserole of sea cucumbers and seaweed.”
“Not that nutritional stuff, I hope. I had gas for a week.”
“We know.”
“Is it true what they say about Addams men maturing later in life?”
“First you’d have to find one.”
“An Addams man?”
“A mature one.”
“I’ll show you! I’ll show everyone!” The words stung and Fester hurried away. But he was mature! He hadn’t slept with a night light or a stuffed toy for years… well, months at least.
He plopped down on a settee and frowned at the clouds of dust that the action created. There was a creak and he glanced over at Thing appeared. It tapped Fester’s leg and he lifted the hand up.
“Thing, do you think I’m mature?”
The hand fumbled for an answer. He wasn’t usually tongue tied.
“What is mature anyhow?”
The next moment, Thing had a dictionary and was racing through it. He tapped a spot on the page and Fester pulled out a pair of glasses.
“Mature, adjective, to be fully developed physically.” Fester looked down at himself. “I don’t think I’m developing much more than this physically.” He continued to read. “Having attained a final or desired state.” He sighed. “What more could anyone want?”
Thing choose wisely to stay quiet. He slipped off Fester’s lap and disappeared just as Gomez appeared.
“Gomez, am I mature?”
“Why would you want to be?” Gomez pulled a slender cigarillo from the pocket of his jacket and began to puff on it. “From what I hear, it’s grossly overrated.”
“But how do I know when I’ve reached my full potential?”
“A little secret, Fester, no man ever really does because women keep moving the gate.”
“Even wives?”
“Especially wives. My advice is to stay immature as long as possible.” He settled into his favorite chair and started looking at the mail. “What brought this up?”
“Morticia said that Addams men took a long time to mature. Grandmamma hinted that we never do.”
“She’d know.” Gomez set the mail aside and gestured him close. “Let me clue you in on a closely guarded secret, Fester.”
Eagerly, Fester huddled close to his brother, coughing slightly from the smoke. “What is it?”
“We’re mature, but we merely act immature. That way, our women stay around to take care of us. What interest would we be to them if we weren’t a project in the works?”
“I’m not sure--”
“Who is? All I know is that it works for me and give me time to pursue more worthwhile things.”
“Such as?”
“Wanton mayhem and a disregard for public safety.”
“That does sound more fun than mowing the grass and joining the PTA,” Fester admitted.
“Exactly!”
Fester turned around and saw Grandmamma at the entrance to the room. She was looking a bit sheepish, as was Morticia and Wednesday.
“Dear Uncle Fester,” Morticia surged forward. “We didn’t mean for a moment to insult you. Wednesday, do you have something to say?”
“Yes, don’t change, Uncle Fester. I quite like the befuddled version of you.”
“Thank you… I think.” Before he could say anything else, Grandmamma took his hand.
“Now come along. I have some nice hemlock tea brewing and it should just be ready.”
“With some of those little cookies with the pink frosting?”
“And Red Dye No. 2. Nothing but the best for my Addams’ men.”
Fester giggled, Gomez beamed and once again peace descended upon the household. At least it would until Pugsley blew something up.