A new Working Stiffs story
Title: A Personnel Problem
Genre: Man from UNCLE - Working Stiffs
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2481
Did you ever wonder who does background checks for the new UNCLE recruits? My thanks to Sparky955 for her beta.
When I was just a kid, I learned a hard lesson about success. Some people are destined for it, but others, like me, well, we get close, but no cigar. How you feel about like depends upon how you handle that. I was fine with a second-place spot because I knew I’d done my best. There would always be someone smarter or faster than me. I, instead, cultivated being a good loser and a nice person.
On the other hand, there was a girl in my class, Lanie, but that would make her crazy if she heard anyone call her that. She would announce haughtily that her name was Madelaine and we would do good to remember that. You can guess what we called her in private.
She was the sort of a girl who believed enough was never enough. If she got an A, she wanted an A+. If she won first place, she wanted it to be first place with special honors. She’d whine, she’d threaten and bring in her hot-shot attorney father. Most of the time, the officials would cave, but she got a bad reputation for being a sore loser. In short, she was a real pain in the you-know-what.
I work in the Personnel Department. Honestly, it’s much like any other personnel department. We handle the hiring, firing, sick leave, and vacation time and so on, but the biggest part of our job is vetting our employees.
And one day, there she was. Lanie was the last person I expected to see working at UNCLE. I didn’t see her doing any sort of job, to be honest.
As a top-level security company, we policed the world and we had to be sure that the people we were hiring were the best of the best. It galled Lanie to no end that I was in charge of the Section Two personnel security and she was stuck with Section Three.
I really didn’t see the difference. Section Three kept everyone safe and Section Two caused all the problems. Because of that, by the time I was finished with my background checks, I knew if a candidate had dog-eared a library book in Second Grade or faked an illness to get out of something. There was no leaf left unturned. It made Lanie crazy that I was privileged to all this information and wouldn’t share any of it. Her issue, not my problem.
It also didn’t help that she had her eye on another job, that of the secretary for Mr. Waverly. She hated Lisa, couldn’t say enough bad things about her. It was just that she didn’t know Lisa and how funny and sweet she was. Like me, at work, she was all business and she was good at what she did. That didn’t stop Lanie, though. She always got what she wanted… except that she was stuck doing a job that she felt was second rate.
That concerned me in that I wondered if she was really working as hard as she should be or if she was letting things slide in the hopes of getting Lisa’s job instead. It all came to a head on afternoon and completely by accident.
There was a young aspiring Section Two agent that I was doing some research on and my efforts took me into the back aisles of our research department. There was talk that one day, all this information will be put onto a computer, but that was not this day. I pulled a dusty old box down and squatted to do through its contents.
“Where are you? The questions surprised me as no one had an inkling that I was here as far as I knew.
“Over here and keep your voice down.” I recognized Lanie’s voice. Instantly, I froze. She was just a few aisles away from me.
“Did you get it?” I sort of recognized the voice as one of the hungrier Section Three agents. He didn’t have the *ahem* you-know-what’s to be Section Two, but that didn’t stop him from trying.
“Yeah, it took some doing, but here.” There was a faint rustle. “This is a list of all the places Mr. Waverly is going to be this next week. You should be able to rush in and save him from THRUSH. It’ll mean a promotion to Section Two for you and the backside of Lisa when it’s revealed she ‘misplaced’ the document.”
I almost gasped at that. I couldn’t believe Lanie had stooped this low.
“Great. Will I see you tonight?”
“As agreed.” There was more rustling and moaning. “That’s just an appetizer of what’s coming.”
My stomach roiled at the thought of what she was willing to do for her opportunity.
For a long time, I stood there, even after I was sure they were gone. I couldn’t let this go, but who would believe me?
All the doors in UNCLE HQ look pretty much alike, even to a seasoned employee like me. I glanced at the piece of paper I held and at the door. I’d raised my hand to knock when the door slid back and there was Napoleon Solo.
I thought he’d be a lot bigger in person and scarier, but his smile was warm when he saw me.
“Why, Miss Pearson, what’s gotten you out of Personnel?”
Over his shoulder, I could see his partner, Illya Kuryakin, and I wanted to just crawl away. You didn’t get any higher up in UNCLE than these two. Neither man was wearing jackets. I could see their holsters and weapons. For a moment, my mouth worked and then darkness started creeping in from the edges of my vision.
I woke up on a very uncomfortable couch with both agents bending over me. I gasped and sat up quickly. It was only Mr. Kuryakin’s reflexes that kept him from dumping the water he was holding for me all over himself.
“We have to hurry,” I managed to get out.
“You just fainted, you need to take it easy.”
“There’s not time. There’s a plot to assassinate Mr. Waverly. I’m… I’m sorry to bother you with this, but I didn’t know who else I could trust.”
That got their attention and I was glad that they didn’t blow me off as I was afraid they would do.
“Tell us.” Mr. Solo sat down beside me and held my hand as I stumbled through my story. To their credit, they didn’t interrupt or dismiss anything I said. It was not what I was expecting.
“What do you think, Napoleon? Shall I go and have a conversation with Mr. Leavitt?” There was a gleam in Mr. Kuryakin’s eyes that was slightly unsettling. It was if he’s been waiting for something just like this.
Mr. Solo was quiet for a moment, and then his lips curled into a smile. “With Miss Pearson’s help, this is what we are going to do.”
I felt like a fish out of the water, but I tried to look cool. It wasn’t easy in a skintight sheath dress. The blasted thing practically waved a sign, screaming “Look at me!” The easiest place it seemed to hide was by the punch bowl and I’d staked out a spot just to the left of it.
“How are you doing?” my date asked as he approached.
I couldn’t answer honestly, because I knew there were a dozen women who wanted to be in my place on Napoleon Solo’s arm. The figure he cut in a tux was something else. Still, I’d rather be home in front of the TV with some popcorn and my cat. “Help?”
He laughed. “Well, you look beautiful.” He tried to aim me towards the dance floor. “All you have to do is enjoy yourself and tell me if you see your coworker lurking about.” When it became apparent I wasn’t moving, he offered me a glass of punch instead.
“Why do you think she’ll be here?” I sipped the concoction and frowned. It wasn’t like any punch I’d ever had.
“We changed or canceled all of Mr. Waverly’s other commitments. It’s now or never.”
“Won’t they be suspicious?”
“You have two people who are highly ambitious enough to commit murder to get what they want, I suspect it doesn’t make a big of difference to them. Rather, I suspect they are congratulating themselves upon discovering what we missed.”
“How your mind works, Mr. Solo. You are sure Mr. Waverly isn’t in any danger?”
“Illya is with him and you don’t get better than him.” Still, his eyes lingered upon our boss.
Suddenly, there was a commotion on the other side of the room and I heard Lanie shouting. The shift in Mr. Solo’s attention was immediately, drawing it away from Mr. Waverly.
Lanie had cleaned up well and was wearing a cocktail dress similar to mine, but it wasn’t tailored very well and was bulgy in spots. As she got closer, I realized it was her and not the dress.
Like Mr. Waverly would like the looks of that… I thought as she got nearer. I could see there was a scuffle over where Mr. Waverly had been. That’s when I saw the gun in Lanie’s hand.
We all were trained how to use a weapon; it was a standard requirement. I took the class, shot the target and hadn’t picked up a weapon since. That’s when I realized she wasn’t looking at me, she was glaring at Napoleon. Of course, he would have been the one to make the changes. To her credit, Lanie never saw me. She never saw me.
I needed a weapon and without thinking, I grabbed the bowl and tossed the contents all over her, followed by the bowl itself. She screamed, her gun went off and that’s sort of when everything got a little fuzzy. My feet sort of got tangled with my dress, the tablecloth and the high heels. I went down like a sack of glittery potatoes. I might not be graceful, but I knew how to make an exit.
I heard Napoleon shouting, more gunfire and then a nap seemed like a really good idea.
“Miss Pearson? Miss Pearson?”
I felt a cool finger stroking the side of my face and turned towards it, sighing. I got one eye, then the other opened and let them decide which one was going to focus first.
“She’s awake.” I recognized Mr. Solo’s voice, but the face that was looking down at me wasn’t it. It was Mr. Waverly’s.
“Sir! Mr. Waverly.” I tried to sit up, but the bed clothes had other ideas. That wasn’t happening.
“Just stay still, Miss Pearson. You’ve had a busy night.” Mr. Waverly’s voice was kind, kinder than I expected. “I understand I have you to thank not just for my own life, but also that of this young fellow here.” He indicated Mr. Solo. “I would hate to have to start all over again with someone else.”
That’s right, he’s Mr. Waverly’s heir apparent, I realized. “What happened?”
“Well, when you tossed the punchbowl, you somehow managed to get in the line of fire.”
“I’m… I’m shot?” I tried to sit up again and felt a stab in my side.
“Grazed, but enough that it will be a story to tell your grandchildren.” Mr. Waverly helped me laid back down. “You rest here for a few days and you’ll be right as rain.”
“But my cat--”
“Arrangements have already been made,” Mr. Solo said. “Illya has never met a cat he didn’t like. And vice versa.”
“It doesn’t seem enough to just say thank you.” With my mind at ease, I relaxed. “What happened with Lanie?”
“She’s being detrained, along with Mr. Leavitt and will be placed somewhere they won’t be trouble for anyone. Thanks to you, not only did we stop their plot, but we also caught a half dozen THRUSH agents.”
I’d heard about that place. A top security place to put troublemakers and forget about them. Talk about a fate worse than death. Then I smiled. “Lanie will be running the place in a month.”
“You are probably right.” Mr. Solo’s voice was getting softer. “And what would you like, Miss Pearson?”
“Just for once, to win first place.” I would never have admitted that without the help of some pretty good pain medication.
“You got it.”
I was sure that Mr. Solo would make good his promise, but at the moment, I was just happy to slide away back into the welcoming arms of sleep.
Life returned to normal after that, although it did seem weird to not see Lanie. Even stranger was that people started being a bit nicer to Lisa, but it made me happy.
I’d been down in research one morning. That was nothing unusual about that. I had a Section Three recruit with a gap of five months in his employment history. I had to track that down before anything could proceed. There seemed to be a buzz around me, but I chalked it up to it being Friday.
Satisfied that the guy hadn’t tried to dethrone a king during that time, I dragged my way back up to my desk, but stopped short. My desk was decorated with balloons and streamers. There was signs and posters everywhere and I was at a bit of a loss. It wasn’t my birthday or anniversary with UNCLE. Then I spotted Napoleon, grinning like a jack o’ lantern, albeit a very handsome one.
“Here she is, folks!”
The people who were crowding the room started applauding and I began to feel very self-conscious. I knew I was covered in dust from the files. “I… I don’t understand.”
“You mentioned a few weeks back how, just once, you’d like to win first place. It took us a bit of thinking exactly how we could accomplish that, then Lisa made a suggestion.
Lisa stepped out from the crowd and gave me a hug. “Sweetie, these are all the people who you have vetted through the years. They owe their career in UNCLE to you. You will always be a first-place winner to us.”
“But… but it’s my job.”
“And you’ve always done it well and without complaint. Now it’s time that you realize how valued you are here.”
There was champagne and a cake. I was pleased, embarrassed, and very appreciative. But still, mostly I felt sad, sad that Lanie would never know friendship or this sense of loyalty.
I glanced over at Mr. Kuryakin, watching as Mr. Solo cut in and swooped the woman in his arms away. That’s when it hit me. He was in the position I was, always in Mr. Solo’s shadow and content to be there.
He looked over at me and winked. And I… I winked back. I mean, us Number Twos need to stick together.
Genre: Man from UNCLE - Working Stiffs
Rating: PG
Word Count: 2481
Did you ever wonder who does background checks for the new UNCLE recruits? My thanks to Sparky955 for her beta.
When I was just a kid, I learned a hard lesson about success. Some people are destined for it, but others, like me, well, we get close, but no cigar. How you feel about like depends upon how you handle that. I was fine with a second-place spot because I knew I’d done my best. There would always be someone smarter or faster than me. I, instead, cultivated being a good loser and a nice person.
On the other hand, there was a girl in my class, Lanie, but that would make her crazy if she heard anyone call her that. She would announce haughtily that her name was Madelaine and we would do good to remember that. You can guess what we called her in private.
She was the sort of a girl who believed enough was never enough. If she got an A, she wanted an A+. If she won first place, she wanted it to be first place with special honors. She’d whine, she’d threaten and bring in her hot-shot attorney father. Most of the time, the officials would cave, but she got a bad reputation for being a sore loser. In short, she was a real pain in the you-know-what.
I work in the Personnel Department. Honestly, it’s much like any other personnel department. We handle the hiring, firing, sick leave, and vacation time and so on, but the biggest part of our job is vetting our employees.
And one day, there she was. Lanie was the last person I expected to see working at UNCLE. I didn’t see her doing any sort of job, to be honest.
As a top-level security company, we policed the world and we had to be sure that the people we were hiring were the best of the best. It galled Lanie to no end that I was in charge of the Section Two personnel security and she was stuck with Section Three.
I really didn’t see the difference. Section Three kept everyone safe and Section Two caused all the problems. Because of that, by the time I was finished with my background checks, I knew if a candidate had dog-eared a library book in Second Grade or faked an illness to get out of something. There was no leaf left unturned. It made Lanie crazy that I was privileged to all this information and wouldn’t share any of it. Her issue, not my problem.
It also didn’t help that she had her eye on another job, that of the secretary for Mr. Waverly. She hated Lisa, couldn’t say enough bad things about her. It was just that she didn’t know Lisa and how funny and sweet she was. Like me, at work, she was all business and she was good at what she did. That didn’t stop Lanie, though. She always got what she wanted… except that she was stuck doing a job that she felt was second rate.
That concerned me in that I wondered if she was really working as hard as she should be or if she was letting things slide in the hopes of getting Lisa’s job instead. It all came to a head on afternoon and completely by accident.
There was a young aspiring Section Two agent that I was doing some research on and my efforts took me into the back aisles of our research department. There was talk that one day, all this information will be put onto a computer, but that was not this day. I pulled a dusty old box down and squatted to do through its contents.
“Where are you? The questions surprised me as no one had an inkling that I was here as far as I knew.
“Over here and keep your voice down.” I recognized Lanie’s voice. Instantly, I froze. She was just a few aisles away from me.
“Did you get it?” I sort of recognized the voice as one of the hungrier Section Three agents. He didn’t have the *ahem* you-know-what’s to be Section Two, but that didn’t stop him from trying.
“Yeah, it took some doing, but here.” There was a faint rustle. “This is a list of all the places Mr. Waverly is going to be this next week. You should be able to rush in and save him from THRUSH. It’ll mean a promotion to Section Two for you and the backside of Lisa when it’s revealed she ‘misplaced’ the document.”
I almost gasped at that. I couldn’t believe Lanie had stooped this low.
“Great. Will I see you tonight?”
“As agreed.” There was more rustling and moaning. “That’s just an appetizer of what’s coming.”
My stomach roiled at the thought of what she was willing to do for her opportunity.
For a long time, I stood there, even after I was sure they were gone. I couldn’t let this go, but who would believe me?
All the doors in UNCLE HQ look pretty much alike, even to a seasoned employee like me. I glanced at the piece of paper I held and at the door. I’d raised my hand to knock when the door slid back and there was Napoleon Solo.
I thought he’d be a lot bigger in person and scarier, but his smile was warm when he saw me.
“Why, Miss Pearson, what’s gotten you out of Personnel?”
Over his shoulder, I could see his partner, Illya Kuryakin, and I wanted to just crawl away. You didn’t get any higher up in UNCLE than these two. Neither man was wearing jackets. I could see their holsters and weapons. For a moment, my mouth worked and then darkness started creeping in from the edges of my vision.
I woke up on a very uncomfortable couch with both agents bending over me. I gasped and sat up quickly. It was only Mr. Kuryakin’s reflexes that kept him from dumping the water he was holding for me all over himself.
“We have to hurry,” I managed to get out.
“You just fainted, you need to take it easy.”
“There’s not time. There’s a plot to assassinate Mr. Waverly. I’m… I’m sorry to bother you with this, but I didn’t know who else I could trust.”
That got their attention and I was glad that they didn’t blow me off as I was afraid they would do.
“Tell us.” Mr. Solo sat down beside me and held my hand as I stumbled through my story. To their credit, they didn’t interrupt or dismiss anything I said. It was not what I was expecting.
“What do you think, Napoleon? Shall I go and have a conversation with Mr. Leavitt?” There was a gleam in Mr. Kuryakin’s eyes that was slightly unsettling. It was if he’s been waiting for something just like this.
Mr. Solo was quiet for a moment, and then his lips curled into a smile. “With Miss Pearson’s help, this is what we are going to do.”
I felt like a fish out of the water, but I tried to look cool. It wasn’t easy in a skintight sheath dress. The blasted thing practically waved a sign, screaming “Look at me!” The easiest place it seemed to hide was by the punch bowl and I’d staked out a spot just to the left of it.
“How are you doing?” my date asked as he approached.
I couldn’t answer honestly, because I knew there were a dozen women who wanted to be in my place on Napoleon Solo’s arm. The figure he cut in a tux was something else. Still, I’d rather be home in front of the TV with some popcorn and my cat. “Help?”
He laughed. “Well, you look beautiful.” He tried to aim me towards the dance floor. “All you have to do is enjoy yourself and tell me if you see your coworker lurking about.” When it became apparent I wasn’t moving, he offered me a glass of punch instead.
“Why do you think she’ll be here?” I sipped the concoction and frowned. It wasn’t like any punch I’d ever had.
“We changed or canceled all of Mr. Waverly’s other commitments. It’s now or never.”
“Won’t they be suspicious?”
“You have two people who are highly ambitious enough to commit murder to get what they want, I suspect it doesn’t make a big of difference to them. Rather, I suspect they are congratulating themselves upon discovering what we missed.”
“How your mind works, Mr. Solo. You are sure Mr. Waverly isn’t in any danger?”
“Illya is with him and you don’t get better than him.” Still, his eyes lingered upon our boss.
Suddenly, there was a commotion on the other side of the room and I heard Lanie shouting. The shift in Mr. Solo’s attention was immediately, drawing it away from Mr. Waverly.
Lanie had cleaned up well and was wearing a cocktail dress similar to mine, but it wasn’t tailored very well and was bulgy in spots. As she got closer, I realized it was her and not the dress.
Like Mr. Waverly would like the looks of that… I thought as she got nearer. I could see there was a scuffle over where Mr. Waverly had been. That’s when I saw the gun in Lanie’s hand.
We all were trained how to use a weapon; it was a standard requirement. I took the class, shot the target and hadn’t picked up a weapon since. That’s when I realized she wasn’t looking at me, she was glaring at Napoleon. Of course, he would have been the one to make the changes. To her credit, Lanie never saw me. She never saw me.
I needed a weapon and without thinking, I grabbed the bowl and tossed the contents all over her, followed by the bowl itself. She screamed, her gun went off and that’s sort of when everything got a little fuzzy. My feet sort of got tangled with my dress, the tablecloth and the high heels. I went down like a sack of glittery potatoes. I might not be graceful, but I knew how to make an exit.
I heard Napoleon shouting, more gunfire and then a nap seemed like a really good idea.
“Miss Pearson? Miss Pearson?”
I felt a cool finger stroking the side of my face and turned towards it, sighing. I got one eye, then the other opened and let them decide which one was going to focus first.
“She’s awake.” I recognized Mr. Solo’s voice, but the face that was looking down at me wasn’t it. It was Mr. Waverly’s.
“Sir! Mr. Waverly.” I tried to sit up, but the bed clothes had other ideas. That wasn’t happening.
“Just stay still, Miss Pearson. You’ve had a busy night.” Mr. Waverly’s voice was kind, kinder than I expected. “I understand I have you to thank not just for my own life, but also that of this young fellow here.” He indicated Mr. Solo. “I would hate to have to start all over again with someone else.”
That’s right, he’s Mr. Waverly’s heir apparent, I realized. “What happened?”
“Well, when you tossed the punchbowl, you somehow managed to get in the line of fire.”
“I’m… I’m shot?” I tried to sit up again and felt a stab in my side.
“Grazed, but enough that it will be a story to tell your grandchildren.” Mr. Waverly helped me laid back down. “You rest here for a few days and you’ll be right as rain.”
“But my cat--”
“Arrangements have already been made,” Mr. Solo said. “Illya has never met a cat he didn’t like. And vice versa.”
“It doesn’t seem enough to just say thank you.” With my mind at ease, I relaxed. “What happened with Lanie?”
“She’s being detrained, along with Mr. Leavitt and will be placed somewhere they won’t be trouble for anyone. Thanks to you, not only did we stop their plot, but we also caught a half dozen THRUSH agents.”
I’d heard about that place. A top security place to put troublemakers and forget about them. Talk about a fate worse than death. Then I smiled. “Lanie will be running the place in a month.”
“You are probably right.” Mr. Solo’s voice was getting softer. “And what would you like, Miss Pearson?”
“Just for once, to win first place.” I would never have admitted that without the help of some pretty good pain medication.
“You got it.”
I was sure that Mr. Solo would make good his promise, but at the moment, I was just happy to slide away back into the welcoming arms of sleep.
Life returned to normal after that, although it did seem weird to not see Lanie. Even stranger was that people started being a bit nicer to Lisa, but it made me happy.
I’d been down in research one morning. That was nothing unusual about that. I had a Section Three recruit with a gap of five months in his employment history. I had to track that down before anything could proceed. There seemed to be a buzz around me, but I chalked it up to it being Friday.
Satisfied that the guy hadn’t tried to dethrone a king during that time, I dragged my way back up to my desk, but stopped short. My desk was decorated with balloons and streamers. There was signs and posters everywhere and I was at a bit of a loss. It wasn’t my birthday or anniversary with UNCLE. Then I spotted Napoleon, grinning like a jack o’ lantern, albeit a very handsome one.
“Here she is, folks!”
The people who were crowding the room started applauding and I began to feel very self-conscious. I knew I was covered in dust from the files. “I… I don’t understand.”
“You mentioned a few weeks back how, just once, you’d like to win first place. It took us a bit of thinking exactly how we could accomplish that, then Lisa made a suggestion.
Lisa stepped out from the crowd and gave me a hug. “Sweetie, these are all the people who you have vetted through the years. They owe their career in UNCLE to you. You will always be a first-place winner to us.”
“But… but it’s my job.”
“And you’ve always done it well and without complaint. Now it’s time that you realize how valued you are here.”
There was champagne and a cake. I was pleased, embarrassed, and very appreciative. But still, mostly I felt sad, sad that Lanie would never know friendship or this sense of loyalty.
I glanced over at Mr. Kuryakin, watching as Mr. Solo cut in and swooped the woman in his arms away. That’s when it hit me. He was in the position I was, always in Mr. Solo’s shadow and content to be there.
He looked over at me and winked. And I… I winked back. I mean, us Number Twos need to stick together.