Does Anybody Read These Anymore?
The truth is, I'm older than I ever thought I'd live to be. How fatalistic of me.
I've spent the past couple of days locked up in my house, reflecting, searching, wanting. Trying to find some sred of hope for my future; I'm lost. I'm utterly lost and completely unperpared for the "real world". I mean, I've always lived in the real world, that is, when I wasn't pretending I was somewhere else in time. I've also come to the fact that I have control issues. Battice says I'd make a perfect teacher. To tell you the truth: I envy her. I think too little of myself. A lot of people confuse my self-doubts as having a huge ego. For some reason, I find this hilarious. If they even began to know something close to the truth...
I've also come to realize I've got a lot of friends. More than I actually think about. But I never truly keep contact with these people--these good people. All my friendships have always been rather premature. I guess I'm just no good with "keeping up with people". Or perhapes they're just unable to keep up with me.
I've really been doubting myself lately. And it's so funny to me. I mean, I've always felt like whatever I touch turns to shit. I think anyone I know would probably disagree with me. Hopefully. It's just, I always used to want to be an artist: I can't create anything 'beautiful'. Okay, so I'll be a singer: I can barely read music. I know, I'll be a writer: I can't even form a gramtically correct sentence. Okay-let's try acting: it's the only thing I can't see myself and critisize. I know the expression "You're your own worse critic." Now, that's not always true. But more often than not, it is for me. I think I hate everything I've ever created. It's so weird I want to have children so bad.
There's something else--I never had a real dream growing up. I always just wanted to be a father. Make sure my children never felt neglected by their father. But I'm not even a home maker. I'm not qualified for any jobs, I can't cook, I'm terribly un-organized. Eh, what can you do?
My 18th B-day is coming up. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure what to feel. I wish I did, even if I was scared wittless. Everything just feels so false. I feel no real connection to anything anymore. Unless I'm at school. I used to think I was putting on an act for people. But then I realized that would require too much thinking. I just do it. My, God: maybe I am happy in that enviornment! Or maybe I'm just too busy focused on getting my job done that I forget I'm lost. How ironic. I wish I had answers to my own questions, but if I had them then I wouldn't have questions in the first place-and then where's the fun in that?
There's so much more on my mind I don't even know how to express it, yet. I need to do some major soul searching. I've been thinking about moving to Berlin after I graduate. I'm drawn there for some stranger reason. Maybe all my answers lie there.
I've always found it queer that, that statement: "All your answers lie there." Why is it that everything we're told lies?
I've spent the past couple of days locked up in my house, reflecting, searching, wanting. Trying to find some sred of hope for my future; I'm lost. I'm utterly lost and completely unperpared for the "real world". I mean, I've always lived in the real world, that is, when I wasn't pretending I was somewhere else in time. I've also come to the fact that I have control issues. Battice says I'd make a perfect teacher. To tell you the truth: I envy her. I think too little of myself. A lot of people confuse my self-doubts as having a huge ego. For some reason, I find this hilarious. If they even began to know something close to the truth...
I've also come to realize I've got a lot of friends. More than I actually think about. But I never truly keep contact with these people--these good people. All my friendships have always been rather premature. I guess I'm just no good with "keeping up with people". Or perhapes they're just unable to keep up with me.
I've really been doubting myself lately. And it's so funny to me. I mean, I've always felt like whatever I touch turns to shit. I think anyone I know would probably disagree with me. Hopefully. It's just, I always used to want to be an artist: I can't create anything 'beautiful'. Okay, so I'll be a singer: I can barely read music. I know, I'll be a writer: I can't even form a gramtically correct sentence. Okay-let's try acting: it's the only thing I can't see myself and critisize. I know the expression "You're your own worse critic." Now, that's not always true. But more often than not, it is for me. I think I hate everything I've ever created. It's so weird I want to have children so bad.
There's something else--I never had a real dream growing up. I always just wanted to be a father. Make sure my children never felt neglected by their father. But I'm not even a home maker. I'm not qualified for any jobs, I can't cook, I'm terribly un-organized. Eh, what can you do?
My 18th B-day is coming up. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure what to feel. I wish I did, even if I was scared wittless. Everything just feels so false. I feel no real connection to anything anymore. Unless I'm at school. I used to think I was putting on an act for people. But then I realized that would require too much thinking. I just do it. My, God: maybe I am happy in that enviornment! Or maybe I'm just too busy focused on getting my job done that I forget I'm lost. How ironic. I wish I had answers to my own questions, but if I had them then I wouldn't have questions in the first place-and then where's the fun in that?
There's so much more on my mind I don't even know how to express it, yet. I need to do some major soul searching. I've been thinking about moving to Berlin after I graduate. I'm drawn there for some stranger reason. Maybe all my answers lie there.
I've always found it queer that, that statement: "All your answers lie there." Why is it that everything we're told lies?