I'm so confused.
So this last week has been beyond insane. I've been an emotional train wreck and because you all keep asking, I thought I'd try to explain a little. But I'm explaining here, because it's a little more private than say, a myspace blog, which let's face it, the entire world and their mom has access to. So here goes. A while back you might remember me saying that my brother had voiced some horrible things about our parents. And while at the time it pissed me off, I decided to sit down with him and hear his side of things. So last Tuesday we went to dinner and talked for about 3 hours. We talked about everything and there was a lot of crying involved, from both of us. And for my brother to cry in a public place, that's pretty intense. Anyway, what it comes down to is a bunch of unresolved issues, mainly with our Dad. My brother has always been kind of a 'trouble maker' of a child. And he assumes that he got written off by our Dad when he was in third grade because he told a lie. So Dad just marked him a liar and moved on, according to my brother. I had no idea how hard it was for my brother to deal with all these things. He knows our parents tried their best, but when you have 2 working parents, very little income, and no real idea on how to raise children, problems will arise. We were always supported in what we did, always encouraged, but it was never, "Wow son, you did a great job. That was an amazing tackle." It was more like, if we did well, my dad was in a good mood. And we didn't have to wonder if he was pissed off and going to slam things all night. My dad has always been strict, he's always been a hard worker, and he's always instilled in us the best work ethic and morals possible. So while my brother may not like my dad, he respects him. And before things can get better, Jess needs to really figure out what to pinpoint as the root of the problem. His fear is that if he brings it up to Dad that Dad either won't care or will just brush it off. Our family has issues being very stubborn and proud and it's from our Dad's side. And I told my brother that he if can go to Dad with as much conviction and emotion as he did with me, then it might help, and if not, at least he tried and he'll be the bigger person for it. He refuses until he can get some outside help. Which for my brother to admit that he needs, is a huge step. Issues with mom aren't quite so much, but they're still there. So this spawned an entirely new conversation about me and my relationship and how I deal. And with me, I always try to be the peace keeper. I always try to make everyone happy and if things aren't going well, I tend to sweep them under the rug and pretend. And this brought up my birthday and why I was so upset with them. And I told my brother that I have this lame hope that even though we're an f*ed up family, on birthdays and holidays, we can all get together, for even a few hours and pretend we're normal. Everyone gets along, everyone is happy and things are ok. Well this has never happened, and I guess for my birthday I was really hoping that try 9999 would be the one that would work. So now we'll try for 10,000. Then I told my brother about Costa and how perfect he is and how he balances me out. And to finally be able to tell someone in my family about that was really good for me. Jess asked why I don't tell our parents and I said that first off, it's really no one's business, secondly, no one would really care. They all have their own things going on. And he said that everyone would be really happy for me, but I thought about that, and I really don't care if they are or not. Costa told his parents last week and they took it really well and they're really excited to meet me. So it was great to have acceptance from his family and from my brother. And while I'd want my parents to have the same reaction and be just as excited, I know that'll never be the case, so why bother? But I told my brother the more serious that we get, the more I tend to look for flaws just so it's easier to push away. I find myself trying to pick fights and trying to make him angry just so I'll have an excuse to rid myself of him. And I don't want that, not at all. He never gets angry, he's beyond understanding and patient and I couldn't ask for someone better. And as lame as I know it sounds, I'm afraid of what others will think of him. That they won't find him as smart as I do, or as attractive as I do. And then that spawns a whole new bag of worms because sometimes I don't find him attractive at all, whether physically or mentally or whatever. I know that's horrible. And the great thing about him, we talked about this last week. And again, he was more than patient and understanding. So then I got upset with him and told him to get mad at me, to get angry, and he goes, "what will that solve?" "It'll just make things harder on both of us." And he has a point. Then to add more to this pile of mess, my good friend Greg decided that it's not good for us to be friends anymore. We've been friends for about 5 years now and he dropped off the face of the earth 3 years ago and then suddenly appeared again, married. Well it's never been an issue before, but when he found out I was with someone, he thought it was in the best interest of all parties involved if we stopped talking. And this is because we both have feelings for each other. And I know I'd never do anything to ruin my relationship, whether intentional or not, but he said he doesn't know. And I know to all of you reading this, if anyone even is, it sounds like stupid drama and we're overreacting, and blah blah blah, but our friendship is more important to me than anything. So on top of all my other crap, that was added which wasn't good at all. It's like, I know what I should do, but my mind can't wrap itself around all of this. And I had to buy all my plane tickets last week, so that was a relief and put me in the poorhouse at the same time. And we don't know what we're doing for an apartment. I move on June 22nd, but I'm living with Dave for a week while we search for a place. And I have to be moved in before July 1st because I'm flying to Montana for 5 days. And to make it more complicated, I don't know where I can mail my stuff because if I mail it to Dave's, we'd have to haul it all on the subway and I don't even know if it'd get there before we moved out. So I can mail it to Andrew and Gina, but their car isn't huge and I don't know how many boxes I have, then they'll have to drive into the city to deliver it. It's just problem on top of problem. And I realize that nothing worth while is ever easy, but holy damn Batman. Give a kid a break. *sighs* and that's my life up to now. So while I'm not as much of a disaster as last week, i'm not put together yet.