That one thing.
I'm going to bed, and I find myself thinking about one thing over and over.
And although hanging out w/ Christy tonight, and going to that AMAZING movie (Ghost Town, go see it), made me feel LOADS better, I can't help but dwell on the one thing that's been at the core of what I'm feeling.
That people can't say they love me.
In the form of "I love you, Allison."
Because they really don't, and it'd be a lie.
That bothers me more than anything, I think. I dunno. I suppose it would hurt anyone, right? It's just that most people hear those three words every once in a while, or all the time. I hear it from my family members, and Susan. (Thanks Susan, by the way, for CONSTANTLY saying it.)
I don't know. I don't want people to say it if it's a lie. I just don't like that it would have to be a lie.
That is all. It's out, and now I maybe can fall asleep and stop dwelling on it. And maybe dream about my new celebrity crush... the guy who plays Chuck on Chuck. ;)
Edit: I realized that I have more to say.
Let's see if I can articulate what was just running through my head and keeping me awake.
In the movie I saw today... SPOILER ALERT (kind of?)
There was an amazing quote, out of nowhere, that made me burst into tears. It was after the one character told the other character that his story about his ex-girlfriend was a boring one, the same old story everyone's heard before kind of thing, and wouldn't tell his new friend about it. Eventually, though, he spilled. In a moment of shared trust, he shared his story. The girl walked away, and then came back to tell him that his story isn't boring or pathetic, because everyone's story is their own, and everyone's story is special because it's happening to them. Or something like that. I don't remember the exact quote.
So I started crying. And I thought... how much I would like to just sit down one-on-one with someone, and have a REAL heart-to-heart conversation. Tell my story. And have them actually care about it, and not think it's pathetic or lame but think that it's special because it happened to me. And for me to do the same for them. To hear the other person's special story, and let them know that it's important.
And then in thinking about that, I was reminded of another movie quote, from "Shall We Dance?":
"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."
And I think that relates not just to marriage, but to closely knitted one-on-one friendships, as well.
And that's just it, I guess. I want to know that my friends love me, and I want them to know that I love them, and I want to relate with them in such a way that we are each others' witnesses.
I don't know if that's possible. Maybe it's not. But maybe it's something worth staying awake for.
G'night, friends.
And although hanging out w/ Christy tonight, and going to that AMAZING movie (Ghost Town, go see it), made me feel LOADS better, I can't help but dwell on the one thing that's been at the core of what I'm feeling.
That people can't say they love me.
In the form of "I love you, Allison."
Because they really don't, and it'd be a lie.
That bothers me more than anything, I think. I dunno. I suppose it would hurt anyone, right? It's just that most people hear those three words every once in a while, or all the time. I hear it from my family members, and Susan. (Thanks Susan, by the way, for CONSTANTLY saying it.)
I don't know. I don't want people to say it if it's a lie. I just don't like that it would have to be a lie.
That is all. It's out, and now I maybe can fall asleep and stop dwelling on it. And maybe dream about my new celebrity crush... the guy who plays Chuck on Chuck. ;)
Edit: I realized that I have more to say.
Let's see if I can articulate what was just running through my head and keeping me awake.
In the movie I saw today... SPOILER ALERT (kind of?)
There was an amazing quote, out of nowhere, that made me burst into tears. It was after the one character told the other character that his story about his ex-girlfriend was a boring one, the same old story everyone's heard before kind of thing, and wouldn't tell his new friend about it. Eventually, though, he spilled. In a moment of shared trust, he shared his story. The girl walked away, and then came back to tell him that his story isn't boring or pathetic, because everyone's story is their own, and everyone's story is special because it's happening to them. Or something like that. I don't remember the exact quote.
So I started crying. And I thought... how much I would like to just sit down one-on-one with someone, and have a REAL heart-to-heart conversation. Tell my story. And have them actually care about it, and not think it's pathetic or lame but think that it's special because it happened to me. And for me to do the same for them. To hear the other person's special story, and let them know that it's important.
And then in thinking about that, I was reminded of another movie quote, from "Shall We Dance?":
"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things... all of it, all of the time, every day. You're saying 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness'."
And I think that relates not just to marriage, but to closely knitted one-on-one friendships, as well.
And that's just it, I guess. I want to know that my friends love me, and I want them to know that I love them, and I want to relate with them in such a way that we are each others' witnesses.
I don't know if that's possible. Maybe it's not. But maybe it's something worth staying awake for.
G'night, friends.