Sillyfic: Masters of the Strings
So... I know I haven't posted here in ages, and this following story is not exactly of high literary value, but I thought I'd post at least something. I'm hoping that in the near future I'll get a couple of finished fics edited and posted, and I have several others waiting to be finished. When I finally get my graduation thesis finished, I should be more active in fic-writing, I hope. I'm sorry for the long silence.
Title: The Masters of the Strings
Author: Valancy
Fandom: Uh... Kind of sort of Rudolf - The Last Kiss, I guess. Though not really. But there's Taaffe. Lots of Taaffes, in fact.
Genre: Humour (I call it sillyfic because it really doesn't attempt to be anything vaguely serious or high-quality)
Rating: Um... PG? PG-13? I don't know how to rate non-graphic violence in a story that is not exactly serious.
Notes: Thanks to seek_shangrila for providing some of the inspiration and beta-reading this! Dubious thanks to Uwe Kröger and the Vienna "Rudolf - Affaire Mayerling" casting people for inspiration (a.k.a. need to write this in order to let out anger that they chose Uwe Kröger out of all people to play Count Taaffe, who he really really doesn't have the voice for). Homonnay Zsolt and Földes Tamás also to be thanked for providing Taaffes who can be taken seriously and can sing. I do not mean harm to the real Uwe Kröger and do not hate him (I quite like him as Maxim de Winter), but Taaffe is just totally the wrong role for him.
Summary: The Hungarian Taaffes hear Uwe Kröger's Taaffe butchering their song and retaliate.
Warnings: May not be suitable for die-hard Uwe fans who lack a sense of humour. Writer does not guarantee high quality for this story.
Cast of characters:
Uwe Kröger's Taaffe (shortened: Uwe!Taaffe)
Homonnay Zsolt's Taaffe (shortened: Zsolt!Taaffe)
Földes Tamás's Taaffe (shortened: Földes!Taaffe)
Szabó P. Szilveszter's Death from Elisabeth (Szilveszter!Death)
Polyák Lilla's Stephanie (Lilla!Stephanie)
Wietske Van Tongeren's Stephanie (Wietske!Stephanie)
assorted minions
musical fangirls (only right in the end, don't worry)
Setting: the stage of Raimund Theater in Vienna, somewhere in fictional reality where characters can freely walk about wherever they like
Uwe!Taaffe: *stands on stage, sings - or rather, croaks and shouts - Taaffe's solo song, Drähen in der Hand a.k.a. Master of the Strings*
Zsolt!Taaffe: *walks along, minding his own business of world domination, or possibly contemplating the feminine charms of Countess Larisch*
Uwe!Taaffe: *keeps on shouting the song*
Zsolt!Taaffe: *is awakened from his Taaffe thoughts by the unseemly noise* What the ---? *stops in his tracks and stares at Uwe!Taaffe* What - is - he - doing - to - my - SONG? *looks around* Who is responsible for this? SOMEONE GET HIM OFF THE STAGE AT ONCE!
Földes!Taaffe: What's the noise?
Zsolt!Taaffe: *bellows at full voice, which in his case is pretty loud* HIM! He's ruining my song! He's impersonating me and does it all wrong! He doesn't even hit his notes right - when did you ever hear me miss a note? - and he shouts and croaks everything in the most abominable abuse of vocal cords! How did that lousy excuse of a singer ever get on stage, let alone into MY ROLE?
Földes!Taaffe: Well, now you know how I feel in every other performance.
Zsolt!Taaffe: What do you mean? Am I not the best singer in the universe?
Földes!Taaffe: Possibly, but that's not what I meant now. But you realise how frustrating it to watch someone impersonating you falsely and doing your songs wrong.
Zsolt!Taaffe: *angrily* What do you mean?
Földes!Taaffe: Your general level of evilness is surprisingly good for someone better suited for Count Paris, I don't disagree. But you're far too hotheaded. I can see that every now and then you are about to explode, instead of owning everyone coolly and calmly. That little Vetsera girl almost gets you truly angry, and it seems to me like you actually want that Larisch woman -
Zsolt!Taaffe: Well, seriously, have you looked at her? Besides, that scene is supposed to be sexy, and how is it going to be sexy unless the characters want each other? Now, I understand that you can't do sexy, but I -
Földes!Taaffe: Nevertheless, you're doing it all wrong! I'm sure it's your fault that someone like him *points at the croaking Uwe!Taaffe* gets a chance to do it.
Zsolt!Taaffe: Me? How dare you say that? I'm much better at owning the world than he is, and if I had the run of this universe - which would be the only way to keep anything right, clearly - you can be sure that if someone singing as badly as him tried to sing songs as amazing as that, he would be thrown into jail and condemned to eternal silence!
Földes!Taaffe: There you go being hotheaded again. See, when you lower the level just a little bit, all sorts of rabble start getting in... Allow one poofy-haired Taaffe and soon there will be thousands!
Zsolt!Taaffe: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY HAIR!
Földes!Taaffe: There so is!
Zsolt!Taaffe: Yours isn't any better! Anyway, at least neither of us is blond *points to Uwe!Taaffe*.
Uwe!Taaffe: *is used to continuing to 'sing' even when the entire world tells him to stop, and so goes on with butchering the song despite the commotion he is causing*
Szilveszter!Death: *emerges from shadows, glares at the Taaffes* QUIET!!!
Zsolt!Taaffe and Földes!Taaffe: *look at Death* What?
Szilveszter!Death: I've had enough of this racket! Do you think I can brood in peace when he is going about butchering your songs with the most intolerable screaming ever heard in musical theatre, and you two are arguing with the two biggest voices the Operetta Theatre has? Do you not realise what this infernal noise and chaos is doing to my aura of otherworldliness, mysteriousness and deep thoughtful sadness? I've had enough of this. I authorise you two to kill him!
Uwe!Taaffe: *finally goes quiet*
Földes!Taaffe: *to Zsolt!Taaffe* We'd better obey. He's getting pretty angry, and you know what it's like if he gets into Tybalt mode.
Zsolt!Taaffe: Uh, he angsts an awful lot, has chemistry with everyone except Juliet, and kills Zoli?
Földes!Taaffe: Well, Zoli is not around now, so I'd rather not take any chances. Besides, we want to kill that toad, don't we?
Zsolt!Taaffe: Oh, most certainly.
Uwe!Taaffe: Wait! You can't kill me!
Zsolt!Taaffe: Says who? Death just said we can, and I think he knows. If you were a decent Taaffe at all, you'd learn who runs the place and play your cards accordingly.
Uwe!Taaffe: I am the original Death!
Zsolt!Taaffe: Yeah, but there have been other better ones after you, and we're choosing to obey him. Besides, it's not like you're very convincing as Death right now.
Uwe!Taaffe: Well, I'm still the original Death and now I'm Taaffe and I can boss everyone around! I run this place! I'm going to show you! You can't kill me! And if you try to do it, I will bring lots of harm upon you! *tries to be big, tough, bossy and evil*
Földes!Taaffe, Zsolt!Taaffe and Szilveszter!Death: *are unconvinced*
Földes!Taaffe: We certainly can kill you and will do so now.
Zsolt!Taaffe: Though a Taaffe doesn't do such things with his own hands. He uses minions.
Földes!Taaffe: True.
Földes!Taafe and Zsolt!Taaffe *bellow with the two biggest voices of the Operetta Theatre*: MINIONS!!!!
Minions: *turn up, and start to beat up Uwe!Taaffe*
Zsolt!Taaffe: That's for getting all those notes flat!
Földes!Taaffe: That's for screaming and shouting!
Zsolt!Taaffe: That's for looking ridiculous!
Földes!Taaffe: And having hair that stands up!
Zsolt!Taaffe: ...And is blond. There's nothing wrong with dark hair that stands up.
Földes!Taaffe: That's for totally lacking a proper evil powerful presence.
Zsolt!Taaffe: And that's for making a contorted face when you try to sing the high notes. A GOOD VILLAIN SINGS EFFORTLESSLY! Never forget this! How do you imagine to be a convincing threatening villain if you can't even sing your own songs without trouble?
Uwe!Taaffe: Ow! Ow! Ow! *tries to retreat from minions*
Minions: *pursue Uwe!Taaffe*
Uwe!Taaffe: *realises that trying to be bossy and evil didn't work, and goes for the other strategy... turn emo!* Gott, WARUM?? Kein lächeln war je so kalt! Kein Mädchen war wie Roseanne! Angst!!
Szilveszter!Death: I angst much better than you.
Uwe!Taaffe *grabs the nearest person to clutch against his chest à la Van Helsing and bursts into an emo angst song*
The nearest person: *is Stephanie*
Lilla!Stephanie: Hey! Hands off me! I'm not one of your pretty ex-Rudolf boys you can grab any time you want!
Zsolt!Taaffe *sees what is going on, drops out of character and shouts to Uwe!Taaffe*: HANDS OFF MY WIFE!!!
Uwe!Taaffe *releases Lilla!Stephanie*: Oh, sorry. I thought it was Wietske.
Lilla!Stephanie: *hurries off with angry crownprincessly steps*
Wietske!Stephanie: No, I'm up here in the Rebecca sets. When I've finally got a role where you have no excuse to paw me and kiss me so loudly you can hear it on the recording, I'm damn well taking advantage of that. *goes on to inspect Rebecca's room and wonders if it would commend respectability for her Imperial self to have one of her rooms at the Hofburg decorated in a similar manner*
Uwe!Taaffe: Aren't you going to help me? They want to kill me!
Wietske!Stephanie: For someone who sings as badly as you, good riddance.
Uwe!Taaffe: Nooooo! Everyone is against me! *out of sheer emo-ness, turns into Van Helsing*
Zsolt!Taaffe: Whatever, then we can have him killed for 'Roseanne'.
Földes!Taaffe: Right so. Minions, ATTACK!
Minions: *attack*
Uwe!Taaffe disguised as Van Helsing: *is killed*
Szilveszter!Death: I'm so glad that Hungarian Deaths don't have to kiss everyone who dies.
Földes!Taaffe: Good. Now one nuisance less in the world.
Zsolt!Taaffe: Fewer innocent notes tortured just for the sake of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Földes!Taaffe: Or rather, right place in the right time when the singer isn't.
Zsolt!Taaffe: Pffth. You call that a singer?
Földes!Taaffe: Only in the widest sense of the word. Hey, shouldn't we be okay with the torture of innocents? We're villains and evil politicians, after all.
Zsolt!Taaffe: Nah. It's not that civilised, and we're civilised villains.
Földes!Taaffe: True, true. Now let's go and continue plotting how to get rid of that pesky Rudolf.
Zsolt!Taaffe: And how to bed that Countess - No, I didn't say anything about that. Forget it.
Földes!Taaffe: Gladly.
Földes!Taaffe and Zsolt!Taaffe: *go away*
Szilveszter!Death: *now that the peace has returned, retreats into shadows and resumes angsting, brooding, being thoughtful, intelligent, and mysterious, and dreaming of Elisabeth*
A group of fangirls: *come up later, find the body and begin to investigate the murder*
Szilveszter!Death: *remains unnoticed in shadows, knowing that the fangirls would readily forget about the murder investigation and jump at him if they knew he was around, and is spared their attentions... for the time being, at least*
THE END
Title: The Masters of the Strings
Author: Valancy
Fandom: Uh... Kind of sort of Rudolf - The Last Kiss, I guess. Though not really. But there's Taaffe. Lots of Taaffes, in fact.
Genre: Humour (I call it sillyfic because it really doesn't attempt to be anything vaguely serious or high-quality)
Rating: Um... PG? PG-13? I don't know how to rate non-graphic violence in a story that is not exactly serious.
Notes: Thanks to seek_shangrila for providing some of the inspiration and beta-reading this! Dubious thanks to Uwe Kröger and the Vienna "Rudolf - Affaire Mayerling" casting people for inspiration (a.k.a. need to write this in order to let out anger that they chose Uwe Kröger out of all people to play Count Taaffe, who he really really doesn't have the voice for). Homonnay Zsolt and Földes Tamás also to be thanked for providing Taaffes who can be taken seriously and can sing. I do not mean harm to the real Uwe Kröger and do not hate him (I quite like him as Maxim de Winter), but Taaffe is just totally the wrong role for him.
Summary: The Hungarian Taaffes hear Uwe Kröger's Taaffe butchering their song and retaliate.
Warnings: May not be suitable for die-hard Uwe fans who lack a sense of humour. Writer does not guarantee high quality for this story.
Cast of characters:
Uwe Kröger's Taaffe (shortened: Uwe!Taaffe)
Homonnay Zsolt's Taaffe (shortened: Zsolt!Taaffe)
Földes Tamás's Taaffe (shortened: Földes!Taaffe)
Szabó P. Szilveszter's Death from Elisabeth (Szilveszter!Death)
Polyák Lilla's Stephanie (Lilla!Stephanie)
Wietske Van Tongeren's Stephanie (Wietske!Stephanie)
assorted minions
musical fangirls (only right in the end, don't worry)
Setting: the stage of Raimund Theater in Vienna, somewhere in fictional reality where characters can freely walk about wherever they like
Uwe!Taaffe: *stands on stage, sings - or rather, croaks and shouts - Taaffe's solo song, Drähen in der Hand a.k.a. Master of the Strings*
Zsolt!Taaffe: *walks along, minding his own business of world domination, or possibly contemplating the feminine charms of Countess Larisch*
Uwe!Taaffe: *keeps on shouting the song*
Zsolt!Taaffe: *is awakened from his Taaffe thoughts by the unseemly noise* What the ---? *stops in his tracks and stares at Uwe!Taaffe* What - is - he - doing - to - my - SONG? *looks around* Who is responsible for this? SOMEONE GET HIM OFF THE STAGE AT ONCE!
Földes!Taaffe: What's the noise?
Zsolt!Taaffe: *bellows at full voice, which in his case is pretty loud* HIM! He's ruining my song! He's impersonating me and does it all wrong! He doesn't even hit his notes right - when did you ever hear me miss a note? - and he shouts and croaks everything in the most abominable abuse of vocal cords! How did that lousy excuse of a singer ever get on stage, let alone into MY ROLE?
Földes!Taaffe: Well, now you know how I feel in every other performance.
Zsolt!Taaffe: What do you mean? Am I not the best singer in the universe?
Földes!Taaffe: Possibly, but that's not what I meant now. But you realise how frustrating it to watch someone impersonating you falsely and doing your songs wrong.
Zsolt!Taaffe: *angrily* What do you mean?
Földes!Taaffe: Your general level of evilness is surprisingly good for someone better suited for Count Paris, I don't disagree. But you're far too hotheaded. I can see that every now and then you are about to explode, instead of owning everyone coolly and calmly. That little Vetsera girl almost gets you truly angry, and it seems to me like you actually want that Larisch woman -
Zsolt!Taaffe: Well, seriously, have you looked at her? Besides, that scene is supposed to be sexy, and how is it going to be sexy unless the characters want each other? Now, I understand that you can't do sexy, but I -
Földes!Taaffe: Nevertheless, you're doing it all wrong! I'm sure it's your fault that someone like him *points at the croaking Uwe!Taaffe* gets a chance to do it.
Zsolt!Taaffe: Me? How dare you say that? I'm much better at owning the world than he is, and if I had the run of this universe - which would be the only way to keep anything right, clearly - you can be sure that if someone singing as badly as him tried to sing songs as amazing as that, he would be thrown into jail and condemned to eternal silence!
Földes!Taaffe: There you go being hotheaded again. See, when you lower the level just a little bit, all sorts of rabble start getting in... Allow one poofy-haired Taaffe and soon there will be thousands!
Zsolt!Taaffe: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY HAIR!
Földes!Taaffe: There so is!
Zsolt!Taaffe: Yours isn't any better! Anyway, at least neither of us is blond *points to Uwe!Taaffe*.
Uwe!Taaffe: *is used to continuing to 'sing' even when the entire world tells him to stop, and so goes on with butchering the song despite the commotion he is causing*
Szilveszter!Death: *emerges from shadows, glares at the Taaffes* QUIET!!!
Zsolt!Taaffe and Földes!Taaffe: *look at Death* What?
Szilveszter!Death: I've had enough of this racket! Do you think I can brood in peace when he is going about butchering your songs with the most intolerable screaming ever heard in musical theatre, and you two are arguing with the two biggest voices the Operetta Theatre has? Do you not realise what this infernal noise and chaos is doing to my aura of otherworldliness, mysteriousness and deep thoughtful sadness? I've had enough of this. I authorise you two to kill him!
Uwe!Taaffe: *finally goes quiet*
Földes!Taaffe: *to Zsolt!Taaffe* We'd better obey. He's getting pretty angry, and you know what it's like if he gets into Tybalt mode.
Zsolt!Taaffe: Uh, he angsts an awful lot, has chemistry with everyone except Juliet, and kills Zoli?
Földes!Taaffe: Well, Zoli is not around now, so I'd rather not take any chances. Besides, we want to kill that toad, don't we?
Zsolt!Taaffe: Oh, most certainly.
Uwe!Taaffe: Wait! You can't kill me!
Zsolt!Taaffe: Says who? Death just said we can, and I think he knows. If you were a decent Taaffe at all, you'd learn who runs the place and play your cards accordingly.
Uwe!Taaffe: I am the original Death!
Zsolt!Taaffe: Yeah, but there have been other better ones after you, and we're choosing to obey him. Besides, it's not like you're very convincing as Death right now.
Uwe!Taaffe: Well, I'm still the original Death and now I'm Taaffe and I can boss everyone around! I run this place! I'm going to show you! You can't kill me! And if you try to do it, I will bring lots of harm upon you! *tries to be big, tough, bossy and evil*
Földes!Taaffe, Zsolt!Taaffe and Szilveszter!Death: *are unconvinced*
Földes!Taaffe: We certainly can kill you and will do so now.
Zsolt!Taaffe: Though a Taaffe doesn't do such things with his own hands. He uses minions.
Földes!Taaffe: True.
Földes!Taafe and Zsolt!Taaffe *bellow with the two biggest voices of the Operetta Theatre*: MINIONS!!!!
Minions: *turn up, and start to beat up Uwe!Taaffe*
Zsolt!Taaffe: That's for getting all those notes flat!
Földes!Taaffe: That's for screaming and shouting!
Zsolt!Taaffe: That's for looking ridiculous!
Földes!Taaffe: And having hair that stands up!
Zsolt!Taaffe: ...And is blond. There's nothing wrong with dark hair that stands up.
Földes!Taaffe: That's for totally lacking a proper evil powerful presence.
Zsolt!Taaffe: And that's for making a contorted face when you try to sing the high notes. A GOOD VILLAIN SINGS EFFORTLESSLY! Never forget this! How do you imagine to be a convincing threatening villain if you can't even sing your own songs without trouble?
Uwe!Taaffe: Ow! Ow! Ow! *tries to retreat from minions*
Minions: *pursue Uwe!Taaffe*
Uwe!Taaffe: *realises that trying to be bossy and evil didn't work, and goes for the other strategy... turn emo!* Gott, WARUM?? Kein lächeln war je so kalt! Kein Mädchen war wie Roseanne! Angst!!
Szilveszter!Death: I angst much better than you.
Uwe!Taaffe *grabs the nearest person to clutch against his chest à la Van Helsing and bursts into an emo angst song*
The nearest person: *is Stephanie*
Lilla!Stephanie: Hey! Hands off me! I'm not one of your pretty ex-Rudolf boys you can grab any time you want!
Zsolt!Taaffe *sees what is going on, drops out of character and shouts to Uwe!Taaffe*: HANDS OFF MY WIFE!!!
Uwe!Taaffe *releases Lilla!Stephanie*: Oh, sorry. I thought it was Wietske.
Lilla!Stephanie: *hurries off with angry crownprincessly steps*
Wietske!Stephanie: No, I'm up here in the Rebecca sets. When I've finally got a role where you have no excuse to paw me and kiss me so loudly you can hear it on the recording, I'm damn well taking advantage of that. *goes on to inspect Rebecca's room and wonders if it would commend respectability for her Imperial self to have one of her rooms at the Hofburg decorated in a similar manner*
Uwe!Taaffe: Aren't you going to help me? They want to kill me!
Wietske!Stephanie: For someone who sings as badly as you, good riddance.
Uwe!Taaffe: Nooooo! Everyone is against me! *out of sheer emo-ness, turns into Van Helsing*
Zsolt!Taaffe: Whatever, then we can have him killed for 'Roseanne'.
Földes!Taaffe: Right so. Minions, ATTACK!
Minions: *attack*
Uwe!Taaffe disguised as Van Helsing: *is killed*
Szilveszter!Death: I'm so glad that Hungarian Deaths don't have to kiss everyone who dies.
Földes!Taaffe: Good. Now one nuisance less in the world.
Zsolt!Taaffe: Fewer innocent notes tortured just for the sake of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Földes!Taaffe: Or rather, right place in the right time when the singer isn't.
Zsolt!Taaffe: Pffth. You call that a singer?
Földes!Taaffe: Only in the widest sense of the word. Hey, shouldn't we be okay with the torture of innocents? We're villains and evil politicians, after all.
Zsolt!Taaffe: Nah. It's not that civilised, and we're civilised villains.
Földes!Taaffe: True, true. Now let's go and continue plotting how to get rid of that pesky Rudolf.
Zsolt!Taaffe: And how to bed that Countess - No, I didn't say anything about that. Forget it.
Földes!Taaffe: Gladly.
Földes!Taaffe and Zsolt!Taaffe: *go away*
Szilveszter!Death: *now that the peace has returned, retreats into shadows and resumes angsting, brooding, being thoughtful, intelligent, and mysterious, and dreaming of Elisabeth*
A group of fangirls: *come up later, find the body and begin to investigate the murder*
Szilveszter!Death: *remains unnoticed in shadows, knowing that the fangirls would readily forget about the murder investigation and jump at him if they knew he was around, and is spared their attentions... for the time being, at least*
THE END