wowsers
So I know it has been months, I am pretty sure no one even bothers to check anymore, which I am okay with. I guess I am okay with it either way.
Lately my head is just spinning...I feel completly out of control, yano that terrifying falling feeling. I even wake up from random nightmares physically holding on to something, grasping on for dear life cuz i am dreaming i am falling. Yup sounds like I am crazy.
Still stressed about the momster. Treatment is going okay, but everything has changed. I hate change, I dont do it, well not on purpose anyway. It's just so fricken scary. I HATE being scared even more then I hate change, I mean ask ANYONE that has tried to jump out at ,e from behind a tree or something, I dont take well to it.
So...about change. My 16 year old brother's 18 year old online girlfriend moved in to the house with him from Ohio last week. Surprised? So was the fam. He forgot to mention to the folks that he offered her (and her two big dogs) a place to live. I just don't get it. I mean, I met Nickie yesterday, she seems super sweet. And she gets along with everyone well. It's just fucking weird...and okay, maybe I feel a little bit replaced. I know, thats weird too, who woulda thunk I actually wished I was there more. It all just kinda makes my head spin. Plus, I mean, Kyle is a good kid, he really is, but lets not forget he is quite an individual. And now he is in love, and happy, and living with the perosn he loves...and i mean, i cant help but want to cross my arms and stomp my feet, and scream how it isnt fair. What's wrong with me that I cant even have one smiggen of that kind of happiness. It's fuckin frustrating and depressing as hell.
The apartment is so great. I love having all this space. Amazingly enough living with six other girls goes fairly smoothly, and i love my roomies to death. Sometimes there is drama, which I know is totally normal, but at this point in life i am trying to fight drama off with a stick, and it still finds me. Adds stress. I dont need more of that, I have enough of my own. And of course, cuz i am a freakshow, i scurry around like a mouse trying to make everything oksy for everyone, and thats the role i am comfortable in, but it doesnt always go over super well.
I feel like my friendships with some people who are EXTREMELY important to me are faltering, and I just can't figure out why. I am really trying, leaving messages saying hi, attempting to make plans, etc etc etc. I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I know everyone is totally busy, and that makes sense to me, but I am really worried I am inadvertanly shutting people out. I don't know what to do. A few weeks back I started spending some time with an old friend. He understood what was going on in my life, and him and I have always kinda been able to relate to each other. Talking to him was one of the only times I felt comfortable and okay. Unfortunatly that has ceased again. I miss it a lot, and I wish there was soemthing I could do so that we could keep spending some time together, but I think that too is out of my control.
Add crazy school work to that list, and you have Bethany, in tough shape. I dont know how long I can keep doing this. The term cracking under the pressure seems to work out pretty well here.
I guess thats it. Sorry it sucks so much.
Lately my head is just spinning...I feel completly out of control, yano that terrifying falling feeling. I even wake up from random nightmares physically holding on to something, grasping on for dear life cuz i am dreaming i am falling. Yup sounds like I am crazy.
Still stressed about the momster. Treatment is going okay, but everything has changed. I hate change, I dont do it, well not on purpose anyway. It's just so fricken scary. I HATE being scared even more then I hate change, I mean ask ANYONE that has tried to jump out at ,e from behind a tree or something, I dont take well to it.
So...about change. My 16 year old brother's 18 year old online girlfriend moved in to the house with him from Ohio last week. Surprised? So was the fam. He forgot to mention to the folks that he offered her (and her two big dogs) a place to live. I just don't get it. I mean, I met Nickie yesterday, she seems super sweet. And she gets along with everyone well. It's just fucking weird...and okay, maybe I feel a little bit replaced. I know, thats weird too, who woulda thunk I actually wished I was there more. It all just kinda makes my head spin. Plus, I mean, Kyle is a good kid, he really is, but lets not forget he is quite an individual. And now he is in love, and happy, and living with the perosn he loves...and i mean, i cant help but want to cross my arms and stomp my feet, and scream how it isnt fair. What's wrong with me that I cant even have one smiggen of that kind of happiness. It's fuckin frustrating and depressing as hell.
The apartment is so great. I love having all this space. Amazingly enough living with six other girls goes fairly smoothly, and i love my roomies to death. Sometimes there is drama, which I know is totally normal, but at this point in life i am trying to fight drama off with a stick, and it still finds me. Adds stress. I dont need more of that, I have enough of my own. And of course, cuz i am a freakshow, i scurry around like a mouse trying to make everything oksy for everyone, and thats the role i am comfortable in, but it doesnt always go over super well.
I feel like my friendships with some people who are EXTREMELY important to me are faltering, and I just can't figure out why. I am really trying, leaving messages saying hi, attempting to make plans, etc etc etc. I feel like I am not getting anywhere. I know everyone is totally busy, and that makes sense to me, but I am really worried I am inadvertanly shutting people out. I don't know what to do. A few weeks back I started spending some time with an old friend. He understood what was going on in my life, and him and I have always kinda been able to relate to each other. Talking to him was one of the only times I felt comfortable and okay. Unfortunatly that has ceased again. I miss it a lot, and I wish there was soemthing I could do so that we could keep spending some time together, but I think that too is out of my control.
Add crazy school work to that list, and you have Bethany, in tough shape. I dont know how long I can keep doing this. The term cracking under the pressure seems to work out pretty well here.
I guess thats it. Sorry it sucks so much.