(no subject)
My heart is fucking broken.
Christian the almost 5 year old I babysit is the only source of joy in my life.
Our crushed hopes just aren't cutting it these days.
I want to feel joy like I remember feeling at some point....
How long has it been really?
I have no idea.
I swore at my Mother for the first time on Saturday.
I cried a lot.
But not about swearing at her,
about what she and my father did to me.
About their utter disregard for my feelings,
for my well-being,
for my future.
I know I've always been the black sheep,
never said a-loud of course.
Nothing in my family ever is.
But I've always known, it's been made abundantly clear,
This is just the final straw I guess.
This made me snap.
I couldn't sit there and pretend it was ok.
I lost my cool. And I don't regret it.
Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself.
This just felt like one of those times.
My roomate got a kitten.
My roomate wants to be a rockstar.
Sometimes he gets drunk and falls down the stairs.
Sometimes he gets drunk and yells at me thinking I'm his girlfriend.
But I'm not almost 40 and I don't have kids and I'm not married,
so I guess I'm pretty much NOT his girlfriend.
I wish I had more purpose.
And more plants.
I wish I had more money.
And a job.
I wish I had a unlimited fresh fruit.
and a cell phone plan.
I wish I had freedom.
And less dependency.
I wish I smoked less.
My lungs hurt.
All I think about is running away.
I don't know to where.
Who would really miss me?
Christian the almost 5 year old I babysit is the only source of joy in my life.
Our crushed hopes just aren't cutting it these days.
I want to feel joy like I remember feeling at some point....
How long has it been really?
I have no idea.
I swore at my Mother for the first time on Saturday.
I cried a lot.
But not about swearing at her,
about what she and my father did to me.
About their utter disregard for my feelings,
for my well-being,
for my future.
I know I've always been the black sheep,
never said a-loud of course.
Nothing in my family ever is.
But I've always known, it's been made abundantly clear,
This is just the final straw I guess.
This made me snap.
I couldn't sit there and pretend it was ok.
I lost my cool. And I don't regret it.
Sometimes you need to stand up for yourself.
This just felt like one of those times.
My roomate got a kitten.
My roomate wants to be a rockstar.
Sometimes he gets drunk and falls down the stairs.
Sometimes he gets drunk and yells at me thinking I'm his girlfriend.
But I'm not almost 40 and I don't have kids and I'm not married,
so I guess I'm pretty much NOT his girlfriend.
I wish I had more purpose.
And more plants.
I wish I had more money.
And a job.
I wish I had a unlimited fresh fruit.
and a cell phone plan.
I wish I had freedom.
And less dependency.
I wish I smoked less.
My lungs hurt.
All I think about is running away.
I don't know to where.
Who would really miss me?