(no subject)
Nor am I missing or evaporated.
I have not absconded to Mexico and am typing this on a beach with a tasty senorita feeding me burritos from her cleavage.
I am not in Witness Protection for teabagging Big Tony Venucci. (We discussed our differences like gentlemen and came to an amicable resolution.)
I am just... Well, it's hard to explain where I'm at these days. I suppose, if prompted, I could weigh the pros and cons of my continued existence and boil it down to "I'm okay." But that's about it.
Life continues on, and I continue to wade my way through it. Splashing my feet and scaring off the youngsters in the kiddie pool.
Man, I'm tired today. I feel old. I always tend to feel so super freaking old lately. What with being 29 and a half here, I think I've definitely peaked... Even when I'm with friends and the objective is to get blasted, I don't drink as much as I used to. Even if I'm just home having a few drinks alone, I can't drink nearly as much without getting just as hungover the next day. This was definitely an annoyance on my vacation.
I had from the 8th to the 19th off work during April. I took this time off because on the 9th, my parents left for a 2 week cruise. They hit Miami on that Friday, then left on their cruise ship the following Sunday to take a tour of places like Cozumel, Aruba, Roatan, etc... Sailing back and forth along the islands near the equator. I, in the meantime, didn't go anywhere. I had the second week of April off so that I could watch the house, watch the dog, and just generally not work. I wish I could return to those idyllic days, because my job continues to annoy the tar outta me, but at the same time... Well, my vacation kind of sucked.
The first weekend was pretty great. With the family gone, I took a page out of the high school teenagers' handbook and had a party that Saturday night. It went okay. Pretty much everyone showed up, drinking booze and smoking on the back porch. It was a little chilly... Up until the last 2-3 days, it's been miserably cold and rainy here... But the weather was clear.
It was depressing at the same time, too.
See, I wanted to be a good host for my friends. I cleaned up most of the house before anyone got there. I put sheets on the spare bed downstairs and made sure my parents' bed was fully made too for people to crash in if needed. But then when people started to arrive a little after 8:00, the first two people were also the first two to leave at around 11:00 (due to one being sick). Then two more people left around midnight. Then it was just 4 of us until Roz, Mike and Eric showed up... They were the only three people who stayed any later than 1 in the morning, and they stayed over as well. We all slept in, and then the next day went out for breakfast and hung out for a while before everyone left.
It was disheartening to have people leave early, and to have so many people leave at all when I'd gone out of my way to ensure there was plenty of sleeping space. Another 3 or 4 people could have easily spent the night. It left me feeling glum, like I was a bad host or... As I often tend to fear... An uninteresting friend.
The rest of my vacation after that was exceedingly dull... I went out here and there, window-shopping or picking up groceries, but I didn't do anything. I didn't manage to reach April or Roz or Mike the next weekend as they were visiting a friend out near Fredericton. All I did was get high/get drunk and play video games or watch movies. By the time I had to start going back to work again I was miserable. And lonely. Always lonely.
Bah.
Now I'm flung back into the regular routine. My parents got back last Monday from their cruise, leaving me insanely jealous as I watched all the travel photos they showed off... I got a couple souvenirs from the trip myself, at least. A pair of Luchador wrestling masks that were picked up from Cozumel, and a pirate flag I can hang on the wall that reads "Time flies when you're having rum."
I'm very pleased with the Luchador masks. One looks like a horned demon, all orange and red. The other is covered in spider-webs, and as such is all Spider-Man-y. The problem, however, is that they're not actual Luchador masks, just a one-size-fits-all copy, and they're pretty tight.
I really, really, want to lose enough weight that my face gets thinner so I could comfortably wear one for Halloween this year. Mike said he would be my tag-team partner.
I helped Roz and Mike move to their new apartment building on last Saturday. I think it was a little sad that they aren't living next to April anymore. I would be sad if I was moving away from living next door to my best friend, able to drop by any time I wanted and drink/hang out late just to go down and sleep in my own bed. But their new place is very nice, very spacious, and very clean. It looked like the building was practically brand new.
It was a long, all-day affair... I met up with Roz, Jeremy, April and Al at the farmer's market around 11:30. After taking some time to smoke an early afternoon "treat" with the others, Jeremy took off (as he had family plans as an excuse not to chip in) and the rest of us starting loading up our three cars with boxes from Roz's place.
Against all odds, it seemed that I was actually the strongest one there. This was both baffling and pleasing to me, as I haven't really done a ton of heavy lifting on a regular basis since I left my warehouse job at Atlantic Grocers almost... Christ. Three years ago? But yes. I always expected Roz and April to be in much better shape than I, and they likely still are. But evidently I'm still stronger. Al was the only real 'competition' in that department, but I was easily carrying around boxes and containers single-handedly that he would have to ask someone else to give him a hand with.
It's a strange sensation to describe to someone who doesn't suffer from the kind of crippling self-esteem issues that I do. It's a reaffirming sense of worth, you can say, that made me feel needed. A welcome feeling of pride over the fact that I showed up and I was far more helpful, far more capable, then naturally my worry-wart self expected. I enjoyed hauling that TV up three flights of stairs emotionally, even though physically that friggen thing was a pain in the ass.
We managed to make two trips with loaded cars before 2:30, when Al left, and Mike arrived home from work. Roz still had a ton of stuff unpacked, so while the two of them worked on getting stuff together for another trip, April and I chilled out with a joint at her place and some music. Once the others had more boxes and stuff packed up, we made a third trip and finished unloading our cars at about 4:30, at which point April went home to grab a nap while Roz, Mike and I went out to Montana's for supper.
By the time we finished supper we were able to pick up a U-Haul that we had to wait on all day, and Al had returned, along with Eric, to April's place. With the huge truck and the six of us, we managed to get all the rest of the apartment gone, including all the super heavy furniture. Couches, desks, cabinets, dressers... All that insane stuff that is the bane of any moving day.
It was 8:30 by the time everything was unloaded and crammed into the new place. I had 3 beers, liquor provided freely by Roz and Mike to thank us for helping them, and even then I was so sweaty and tired that I didn't even feel the faintest buzz. No wonder so many people drink while working with heavy stuff. It's like the Anti-Booze. Get your liquor base built up for later that night without stumbling down drunk early!
I left the new place about close to 11:00, ran home and showered before heading out to Jamie and Christine's place in Shediac to hang out with people for the night. Roz and Mike were too busy with the new place to show up, but most everyone else was there. I smoked and drank until about 2:30 in the morning before I crashed in one of the guest rooms. The next day I hung around with the others for breakfast, and to help out with Eric and Brian in setting up a bunch of bricks for a fire pit in their back yard, before I headed back.
All in all, it was a super-sore weekend. So much physical activity. But I enjoyed it more than I had the last couple weekends before that, just because I got to hang out with people so much. Also, physical activity is not a bad thing for me. I need to lose weight, remember? I need to lose a lot of weight if I want to be a luchador.
I think my wrestling name will have to be El Belly De Bulgo, otherwise.
I've also got so many other things I need to do... I have to start saving up some serious cash. My mother and father keep talking about moving away sometime in the next year... I have no idea where I'll go. Or how I'll support myself. I think I might have to start looking for a new job, but my options are generally very limited. I'm making $12 an hour right now, and... Well, when you don't have a chosen profession, you're usually lucky to be making that much.
I'm also planning to quit smoking. I could use the money that I keep burning on cigarette packs, and I recently finished a self-help book that April lent me in regards to that. I still have 13 cigarettes left in my current pack... But I've decided that, with this paycheque I just got today, I'm not going to spend any more on smokes.
The secret is commitment. If you're committed to being a nonsmoker, if you can flip the switch in your brain successfully so that you label yourself as a nonsmoker, then you can do it. Commitment, though... Never been my strong suit.
It's going to be rough. But I have to remember not to go running back to the store in the first few days of cravings like I always tend to. I just have to go ahead and put my foot down for a change and force myself to... Well. To go silently insane and want to murder everyone? Something like that.
Lose weight. (Quit drinking Diet Coke is the most important part of that, but I'm more addicted to that than I am cigarettes...) Get more money. Stop smoking. Get my shit in order.
I have this monumental stretch of hurdles in front of me... Well, okay, not monumental. Maybe only a hundred meters or so. But when you haven't even pulled on your running shoes and they're just gathering dust in the closet, it feels monumental.
Oh, get laid. Yes. Yeeeees. The closest I've been to that in forever is getting hot pictures emailed to me to entice me into updating this diary again. I still have to find some way to accomplish that goal as well. Of course, all these other goals I'm timidly trying to set for myself are just a means to that end, in a way.
I feel like my life is just... Rough these days. Not in new, exciting, dangerous ways. Just the same old roughness as always, like a familiar coarseness. It makes it hard to sit down and write because I hate feeling like I'm rehashing the same stuff.
I feel like I'm rehashing the same stuff when I write about how I feel like I'm rehashing the same stuff...
So yeah. I'm stuck here at work, but I have this weekend off to have time to unwind and think about this. I'm hoping to see if I can get someone to go view the midnight showing of Iron Man 2 with me tonight. And I'll have to mow the lawn sometime this weekend.
But at the same time, the weather here is sunny, and bright, and gorgeously warm for the first time in forever... I work next weekend, so my number one goal for this weekend?
Go swimming.
God, I miss swimming.
The water always makes everything feel like it's going to be okay.
I have not absconded to Mexico and am typing this on a beach with a tasty senorita feeding me burritos from her cleavage.
I am not in Witness Protection for teabagging Big Tony Venucci. (We discussed our differences like gentlemen and came to an amicable resolution.)
I am just... Well, it's hard to explain where I'm at these days. I suppose, if prompted, I could weigh the pros and cons of my continued existence and boil it down to "I'm okay." But that's about it.
Life continues on, and I continue to wade my way through it. Splashing my feet and scaring off the youngsters in the kiddie pool.
Man, I'm tired today. I feel old. I always tend to feel so super freaking old lately. What with being 29 and a half here, I think I've definitely peaked... Even when I'm with friends and the objective is to get blasted, I don't drink as much as I used to. Even if I'm just home having a few drinks alone, I can't drink nearly as much without getting just as hungover the next day. This was definitely an annoyance on my vacation.
I had from the 8th to the 19th off work during April. I took this time off because on the 9th, my parents left for a 2 week cruise. They hit Miami on that Friday, then left on their cruise ship the following Sunday to take a tour of places like Cozumel, Aruba, Roatan, etc... Sailing back and forth along the islands near the equator. I, in the meantime, didn't go anywhere. I had the second week of April off so that I could watch the house, watch the dog, and just generally not work. I wish I could return to those idyllic days, because my job continues to annoy the tar outta me, but at the same time... Well, my vacation kind of sucked.
The first weekend was pretty great. With the family gone, I took a page out of the high school teenagers' handbook and had a party that Saturday night. It went okay. Pretty much everyone showed up, drinking booze and smoking on the back porch. It was a little chilly... Up until the last 2-3 days, it's been miserably cold and rainy here... But the weather was clear.
It was depressing at the same time, too.
See, I wanted to be a good host for my friends. I cleaned up most of the house before anyone got there. I put sheets on the spare bed downstairs and made sure my parents' bed was fully made too for people to crash in if needed. But then when people started to arrive a little after 8:00, the first two people were also the first two to leave at around 11:00 (due to one being sick). Then two more people left around midnight. Then it was just 4 of us until Roz, Mike and Eric showed up... They were the only three people who stayed any later than 1 in the morning, and they stayed over as well. We all slept in, and then the next day went out for breakfast and hung out for a while before everyone left.
It was disheartening to have people leave early, and to have so many people leave at all when I'd gone out of my way to ensure there was plenty of sleeping space. Another 3 or 4 people could have easily spent the night. It left me feeling glum, like I was a bad host or... As I often tend to fear... An uninteresting friend.
The rest of my vacation after that was exceedingly dull... I went out here and there, window-shopping or picking up groceries, but I didn't do anything. I didn't manage to reach April or Roz or Mike the next weekend as they were visiting a friend out near Fredericton. All I did was get high/get drunk and play video games or watch movies. By the time I had to start going back to work again I was miserable. And lonely. Always lonely.
Bah.
Now I'm flung back into the regular routine. My parents got back last Monday from their cruise, leaving me insanely jealous as I watched all the travel photos they showed off... I got a couple souvenirs from the trip myself, at least. A pair of Luchador wrestling masks that were picked up from Cozumel, and a pirate flag I can hang on the wall that reads "Time flies when you're having rum."
I'm very pleased with the Luchador masks. One looks like a horned demon, all orange and red. The other is covered in spider-webs, and as such is all Spider-Man-y. The problem, however, is that they're not actual Luchador masks, just a one-size-fits-all copy, and they're pretty tight.
I really, really, want to lose enough weight that my face gets thinner so I could comfortably wear one for Halloween this year. Mike said he would be my tag-team partner.
I helped Roz and Mike move to their new apartment building on last Saturday. I think it was a little sad that they aren't living next to April anymore. I would be sad if I was moving away from living next door to my best friend, able to drop by any time I wanted and drink/hang out late just to go down and sleep in my own bed. But their new place is very nice, very spacious, and very clean. It looked like the building was practically brand new.
It was a long, all-day affair... I met up with Roz, Jeremy, April and Al at the farmer's market around 11:30. After taking some time to smoke an early afternoon "treat" with the others, Jeremy took off (as he had family plans as an excuse not to chip in) and the rest of us starting loading up our three cars with boxes from Roz's place.
Against all odds, it seemed that I was actually the strongest one there. This was both baffling and pleasing to me, as I haven't really done a ton of heavy lifting on a regular basis since I left my warehouse job at Atlantic Grocers almost... Christ. Three years ago? But yes. I always expected Roz and April to be in much better shape than I, and they likely still are. But evidently I'm still stronger. Al was the only real 'competition' in that department, but I was easily carrying around boxes and containers single-handedly that he would have to ask someone else to give him a hand with.
It's a strange sensation to describe to someone who doesn't suffer from the kind of crippling self-esteem issues that I do. It's a reaffirming sense of worth, you can say, that made me feel needed. A welcome feeling of pride over the fact that I showed up and I was far more helpful, far more capable, then naturally my worry-wart self expected. I enjoyed hauling that TV up three flights of stairs emotionally, even though physically that friggen thing was a pain in the ass.
We managed to make two trips with loaded cars before 2:30, when Al left, and Mike arrived home from work. Roz still had a ton of stuff unpacked, so while the two of them worked on getting stuff together for another trip, April and I chilled out with a joint at her place and some music. Once the others had more boxes and stuff packed up, we made a third trip and finished unloading our cars at about 4:30, at which point April went home to grab a nap while Roz, Mike and I went out to Montana's for supper.
By the time we finished supper we were able to pick up a U-Haul that we had to wait on all day, and Al had returned, along with Eric, to April's place. With the huge truck and the six of us, we managed to get all the rest of the apartment gone, including all the super heavy furniture. Couches, desks, cabinets, dressers... All that insane stuff that is the bane of any moving day.
It was 8:30 by the time everything was unloaded and crammed into the new place. I had 3 beers, liquor provided freely by Roz and Mike to thank us for helping them, and even then I was so sweaty and tired that I didn't even feel the faintest buzz. No wonder so many people drink while working with heavy stuff. It's like the Anti-Booze. Get your liquor base built up for later that night without stumbling down drunk early!
I left the new place about close to 11:00, ran home and showered before heading out to Jamie and Christine's place in Shediac to hang out with people for the night. Roz and Mike were too busy with the new place to show up, but most everyone else was there. I smoked and drank until about 2:30 in the morning before I crashed in one of the guest rooms. The next day I hung around with the others for breakfast, and to help out with Eric and Brian in setting up a bunch of bricks for a fire pit in their back yard, before I headed back.
All in all, it was a super-sore weekend. So much physical activity. But I enjoyed it more than I had the last couple weekends before that, just because I got to hang out with people so much. Also, physical activity is not a bad thing for me. I need to lose weight, remember? I need to lose a lot of weight if I want to be a luchador.
I think my wrestling name will have to be El Belly De Bulgo, otherwise.
I've also got so many other things I need to do... I have to start saving up some serious cash. My mother and father keep talking about moving away sometime in the next year... I have no idea where I'll go. Or how I'll support myself. I think I might have to start looking for a new job, but my options are generally very limited. I'm making $12 an hour right now, and... Well, when you don't have a chosen profession, you're usually lucky to be making that much.
I'm also planning to quit smoking. I could use the money that I keep burning on cigarette packs, and I recently finished a self-help book that April lent me in regards to that. I still have 13 cigarettes left in my current pack... But I've decided that, with this paycheque I just got today, I'm not going to spend any more on smokes.
The secret is commitment. If you're committed to being a nonsmoker, if you can flip the switch in your brain successfully so that you label yourself as a nonsmoker, then you can do it. Commitment, though... Never been my strong suit.
It's going to be rough. But I have to remember not to go running back to the store in the first few days of cravings like I always tend to. I just have to go ahead and put my foot down for a change and force myself to... Well. To go silently insane and want to murder everyone? Something like that.
Lose weight. (Quit drinking Diet Coke is the most important part of that, but I'm more addicted to that than I am cigarettes...) Get more money. Stop smoking. Get my shit in order.
I have this monumental stretch of hurdles in front of me... Well, okay, not monumental. Maybe only a hundred meters or so. But when you haven't even pulled on your running shoes and they're just gathering dust in the closet, it feels monumental.
Oh, get laid. Yes. Yeeeees. The closest I've been to that in forever is getting hot pictures emailed to me to entice me into updating this diary again. I still have to find some way to accomplish that goal as well. Of course, all these other goals I'm timidly trying to set for myself are just a means to that end, in a way.
I feel like my life is just... Rough these days. Not in new, exciting, dangerous ways. Just the same old roughness as always, like a familiar coarseness. It makes it hard to sit down and write because I hate feeling like I'm rehashing the same stuff.
I feel like I'm rehashing the same stuff when I write about how I feel like I'm rehashing the same stuff...
So yeah. I'm stuck here at work, but I have this weekend off to have time to unwind and think about this. I'm hoping to see if I can get someone to go view the midnight showing of Iron Man 2 with me tonight. And I'll have to mow the lawn sometime this weekend.
But at the same time, the weather here is sunny, and bright, and gorgeously warm for the first time in forever... I work next weekend, so my number one goal for this weekend?
Go swimming.
God, I miss swimming.
The water always makes everything feel like it's going to be okay.