(no subject)
I feel like I've sunk back down into another one of my ruts lately. It's disheartening, and that does little to discourage the dark god Malaise. It only sinks the hooks in tighter. But there's not really a lot of other options for you once you're forced to bow down to his grumpy splendor.
Part of the problem is the fallout from Halloween, I'd say. I mean... Halloween was a fun night. I enjoyed it. But all the same, it suffered from the same problem that almost all my weekends do: a distinct lack of ack-shun.
When the weekend comes, or a big party/event that I'm looking forward to, I make the foolish mistake of allowing myself to hope. To hope that things will be different this time. That the stars will align and I'll meet someone. And something fun and carefree will fall into my lap. But when it doesn't, that's when I remember that hope can be a cruel backstabbing mistress. Like dangling a tasty carrot in front of a rabbit, and then leading it into the stew.
Halloween was supposed to be better, you know? As in... Maybe for once it didn't matter what I looked like, or how critical I am of myself. Because I'd be in a costume, I'd be getting judged on my clothes and creativity instead of just... Me. And maybe I'd get to slide by for once. But then nothing happened at the party (which I didn't expect anyway), and we didn't wind up hitting the bar so I didn't get to test it there... It was just the same cauldron of Fail that I'm always stirring.
I'm getting very lonely. Very discouraged these days. Trapped in the same pit of not liking where I am in life and how I look to others, but finding that whenever I try to change this I get overwhelmed with despair and frustration to the point that I arrive firmly back where I started.
Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
I wish I could change, but the willpower needed to do so is like mist. I can't grab onto it by myself. It's like... I need someone else to change for.
I was planning to quit smoking after Halloween, but I already had a full unopened package on November 1st that I never got around to. So I had to finish that. And then I discovered my parents were going to be gone today and tomorrow once I got back from work, so I figured I might as well keep it up a little longer...
I'm such a slave to temptation I should be wearing nipple clamps.
Okay, while I was typing all that, something happened that might actually help:
Our branch manager sent an email to the Tier2 agents how they would feel about going in for ten-hour shifts four days a week, as opposed to eight-hour shifts five days a week.
Awesome.
I used to do that when I was working the job at the packaging warehouse. Of course, although it was supposed to be ten hour shifts they were invariably 12-14 hour ones... But still. You may be a little crankier staying an extra two hours, but you get a full third day of the week off. This means that I'll have a day of the week free to go to the bank, schedule appointments, go for tune-ups or see doctors... It would make everything a lot easier.
Technically, it'd be like a ten and a half hour shift instead of ten... I was actually worried about that and had to check with the manager who was polling our opinions to verify that'd be the case, so we wouldn't wind up with 38 hours instead of 40 on the paystubs. But still, ten and a half's not so bad. It'd only be an extra two hours on top of what we're already doing.
With that extra day free, maybe I can look into actually getting a pool membership a bit more seriously. Probably wouldn't have a shot at all of going during the days I am working, but that'd be three days a week that I could go swimming at the Aquatic Center. That would be enough to help me get some impetus on losing weight, I think.
Anyway. I think that's all I can think of to say right now. If I keep typing I'm probably going to start reflecting on my crappy mood swing again... I think I've repeated the same old story enough for my liking today.
My balls are itchy.
Yeah, see? Out of ideas.
Part of the problem is the fallout from Halloween, I'd say. I mean... Halloween was a fun night. I enjoyed it. But all the same, it suffered from the same problem that almost all my weekends do: a distinct lack of ack-shun.
When the weekend comes, or a big party/event that I'm looking forward to, I make the foolish mistake of allowing myself to hope. To hope that things will be different this time. That the stars will align and I'll meet someone. And something fun and carefree will fall into my lap. But when it doesn't, that's when I remember that hope can be a cruel backstabbing mistress. Like dangling a tasty carrot in front of a rabbit, and then leading it into the stew.
Halloween was supposed to be better, you know? As in... Maybe for once it didn't matter what I looked like, or how critical I am of myself. Because I'd be in a costume, I'd be getting judged on my clothes and creativity instead of just... Me. And maybe I'd get to slide by for once. But then nothing happened at the party (which I didn't expect anyway), and we didn't wind up hitting the bar so I didn't get to test it there... It was just the same cauldron of Fail that I'm always stirring.
I'm getting very lonely. Very discouraged these days. Trapped in the same pit of not liking where I am in life and how I look to others, but finding that whenever I try to change this I get overwhelmed with despair and frustration to the point that I arrive firmly back where I started.
Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
I wish I could change, but the willpower needed to do so is like mist. I can't grab onto it by myself. It's like... I need someone else to change for.
I was planning to quit smoking after Halloween, but I already had a full unopened package on November 1st that I never got around to. So I had to finish that. And then I discovered my parents were going to be gone today and tomorrow once I got back from work, so I figured I might as well keep it up a little longer...
I'm such a slave to temptation I should be wearing nipple clamps.
Okay, while I was typing all that, something happened that might actually help:
Our branch manager sent an email to the Tier2 agents how they would feel about going in for ten-hour shifts four days a week, as opposed to eight-hour shifts five days a week.
Awesome.
I used to do that when I was working the job at the packaging warehouse. Of course, although it was supposed to be ten hour shifts they were invariably 12-14 hour ones... But still. You may be a little crankier staying an extra two hours, but you get a full third day of the week off. This means that I'll have a day of the week free to go to the bank, schedule appointments, go for tune-ups or see doctors... It would make everything a lot easier.
Technically, it'd be like a ten and a half hour shift instead of ten... I was actually worried about that and had to check with the manager who was polling our opinions to verify that'd be the case, so we wouldn't wind up with 38 hours instead of 40 on the paystubs. But still, ten and a half's not so bad. It'd only be an extra two hours on top of what we're already doing.
With that extra day free, maybe I can look into actually getting a pool membership a bit more seriously. Probably wouldn't have a shot at all of going during the days I am working, but that'd be three days a week that I could go swimming at the Aquatic Center. That would be enough to help me get some impetus on losing weight, I think.
Anyway. I think that's all I can think of to say right now. If I keep typing I'm probably going to start reflecting on my crappy mood swing again... I think I've repeated the same old story enough for my liking today.
My balls are itchy.
Yeah, see? Out of ideas.