Fucking Unreal Man... C'est La Vie
I know they say life is full of ups and downs... I know they say life is like a rollercoaster... I know they say "c'est la vie"... but the last few weeks have been just ridiculous... and ironic (which will be understood by the end)... and I know that this entry should be 4 separate entries… but hey, this is called a good example of procrastination… c'est la vie!
Part 1 - The Plan
Hmmm how far back shall we go?? Let's go real back... like 4 weeks ago. I went to Yale University with the Forensics team. It was such a great trip. It was like a mini vacation for me. I enjoyed hanging out with old friends of mine and I had so much fun. I roomed with Tom Bond and Zach Habib, and we had a blast. So many jokes were made and the Giants played well that week and Zorro the Gay Blade was hysterical and I coached some pieces and they ended up doing pretty well so I was proud of that and I just realized this is one long run on sentence. I probably came back pretty tired, but it was worth it. It sooo lifted my spirits... c'est la vie!
Sometime before the trip... or was it soon after?... i don't know... inconsequential anyhow... Andrew says to me while working out... "So when are we taking a trip up to Binghamton??" and I was like... huh?? who are you kidding?? lollol... Now that I think about it, it must have been before... because on the way home from Yale, Monte told me there was another meet at UPenn three weeks afterwards. So then one day I tell Andrew... clear your schedule... we're going up to Binghamton on Columbus Day weekend!! I contacted Mike Rohm and Laura and told them to be ready for our arrival… I was going to surprise Hayley on Columbus Day weekend!!!! In Rohm’s words, “you are the last person she’ll be expecting to be there”. Laura’s words… “She’s going to die!!” lol.
Part 2 - The Weekend
Well, let's fast forward about 1.5 weeks... As we all know, I had been feeling insecure about my relationship with Hayley ever since beginning-middle September due to the communication issue. Well, it lead to many things, including drudging up old feelings of fear and jealousy that starts bringing the rollercoaster back into the picture. I think it was a Wednesday when I saw an away message that Hayley posted which I was curious as to... it said that "she was right" about something... and we always joke around about how I'm always right... no she's always right... back and forth... it's cute. Well, not only was I curious as to what she was "right" about, but I felt it was going to be something I'd find cute... well it wasn't at the time. I read the reason why, and it all just plummeted... I was referring to her friend, who shall remain nameless... who just so happens to be her ex-boyfriend or whatever. She was being a good friend to him and trying to cheer him up in his (then) current, depressed state. I took it way out of line and context and became insanely jealous of their friendship, and what I perceived as their ability to communicate better than I do with my own girlfriend. And it didn't help that I didn't like him from events from a few months prior that should have never taken place the way they did. The argument became bitter and fast and I guess hurtful. I just couldn't understand why their friendship was even there, especially when she was the one who forbade her best friend from talking to him in the past and stuff from their past had taken place where she personally hated him. And I confronted her with it. The argument lasted for two days... and even began to involve her best friend who talked to me and convinced me to just let it be... because it wasn't worth it anymore... no matter how much it didn't make sense to anybody except Hayley.
And I agreed... but that argument did some damage. Then it got even worse. Even though I was making an effort to accept the friendship and really make great strides to being a better person, I get the news dumped on me that Hayley made plans with him to spend time with him the same night we had planned to be together for over a month... because of the argument!!! (I mean he had his Jewish holiday to celebrate the rest of the weekend, but it was supposed to be OUR night lol)... I was off the wall at that point. I mean I really was trying... but 15 minutes (literally 15 minutes) doesn't change a person from being insanely jealous to totally accepting. There was hardcore yelling and I ended up breaking down right in the Student Government office trying to call Krystina back because things didn't get better like they were supposed to. She eventually calmed me down after 2 hours of trying to contact her in my fragile state, and helped me realize that if it WASN'T her ex-boyfriend, and just simply her or one of Hayley's other friends, I wouldn't be making such a big deal out of it... and while Hayley shouldn't have made different plans and disregarded ours and tried to push them to a later date, I should be treating this as if nameless is one of her girlfriends... that helped a lot.
So, I knew she was coming home that weekend and all... and by Thursday night, I really hoped it would be behind us somewhat... because after all the downhill arguing... and after we talked and apologized to each other... I really couldn't wait to see her. She told me that she would see me on Saturday... because she was going to hang out with her girls on Friday night... and I secretly was hoping she would surprise me in the middle of the night (on Friday night) and stop by my house like she had done in the past just for a hello kiss or something... but nothing :-\...
C'est la vie! So there was a big downer (that huge argument)... and a little rise up (the ending of the arguing and knowing my sweetie was safe on the Island and that I was going to be a better person and learn from that argument and change my ways and thinking about them... because I have nothing to be jealous or worried about and because I knew she was home and I was only a few hours from seeing her)... but of course, my Friday went down some more, because I attended a memorial service of a CSI alumnus who passed away this summer... it was so nice yet so sad... and it only made me miss my girlfriend more. (which probably also contributed why I was really hoping she'd stop by my house before she went to sleep that night :-\ )
Later that night, after she made a really quick goodnight to me because she said she was "tired", I receive an IM from the boy who will remain nameless saying that I'm an idiot for the way I'm acting and all... and I tried to reason with him, and told him that he didn't know what he was talking about because Hayley and I were working on it and that things would be alright... we were done arguing and I have accepted it all and I explained to him the past month and what we both have been going through and that it wasn't me hurting her the majority of the time, but rather her sadness stemmed from the distance and her missing me. Little did I know that I was making a complete fool of myself to a guy I wasn’t thrilled with in the first place… because of what happened only 6 hours later… a definite c'est la vie moment.
Hayley of course was aware of the entire conversation between me and nameless, she was both on the phone and online when it happened. Eventually, he stopped talking to me and I thought she had gone to sleep… only a few hours later, after a Friday that was both long and depressing and stressing, at like 8 AM Saturday morning, get a call from Hayley and she was saying that we need to talk… and here begins the worst day… or heck, the worst weekend I’ve had in the looooooooongest time. I wait until the coast is clear in my house, make sure nobody is awake, and then call her back and tell her to come over. My heart was racing… heck just typing all this out right now… my heart is racing now!! It was that fuckin bad!!
She apparently didn’t sleep more than 1 hour the night before because she knew that today was going to be the day she breaks up with me. I was heart broken. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that she would give up and fold so easily for something that I know she put so much effort into, and had her heart so far into. I couldn’t comprehend how we could have possibly gotten to this point. I mean I knew that the past month had been rough on both of us, but I knew it started because she was acting totally different than she used to… it wasn’t like she was never away at school before… the last time she was away at school for an entire semester, she hadn’t been acting the way she did within that one month… which is why we had our first argument about the communication problem…
Apparently, all the arguments we had had that month of September took a toll on her heart. She was hurt. We both are stubborn people… one of our best and worst qualities. And I never knew it, but she had lost trust in me to care for her heart… or so it can be said… like… the arguments hurt her so much that she was afraid to “give” me her heart… because she was afraid that I would hurt her again in no time the next time we argued. However, I wasn’t about to let go. I cherish ever moment I talk to her, ever moment I spend with her, ever moment she is on my mind, which practically is every moment… I wasn’t about to give that up without a fight… and by fight, I mean a looong talk about what has been going on.
Part of me has to thank that nameless fellow for IMming me the night prior… because if he hadn’t, she may have never seen the side of me that I tried very hard to be… the understanding, calm, well-thought out Michael. We spent a long time in the family room of my house, holding her and both of us crying… then she was just so exhausted that we went to my room and laid down for a bit… we kept talking for a long time… spilling our heart and what we were feeling… Also, everyone knew that she was going to break up with me… All her closest friends, her sister and parents, and even Mr. Nameless over there. Apparently, the night before, she had spent the entire night at McDonald’s with Krys and Lindsey, discussing the breakup. After finding this all out, and both of us crying our eyes out, I eventually had to take a breather, so I let her sleep for a while and I took a shower to calm my nerves and think about what we had discussed…
We agreed that it was probably best not to break up, but to go on a “break”. To stay true to each other, not see anyone else, but to basically slow it down a lot, basically, so she can heal. In other words, all the plans for the weekend were shot, I would not be spending time with my love, and I would only probably get a goodbye hug on Tuesday morning before she left for school, maybe a kiss if I was lucky. I was devastated… but if it meant getting my old Hayley back, the girl who trusted me, who felt loved by me, who could always talk to me no matter what the situation, who was my best friend at one point… well I’ll do whatever it takes. She left my house and I felt that watching her drive away was so hard. I immediately IMmed Rohm and told him the whole trip was off. There was no way I was going to see her since she needed her space. I hadn’t felt so low in soooo long. C'est la vie.
I called up Andrew, and went over his house… I needed a friend… and he’s the only one I could think of going to in this situation. I watched him play Final Fantasy VII and then we watched some Buffy the Vampire Slayer after telling him the entire story. While I’m there, he receives an IM from guess who… Hayley. I tell him, “tell her I am right here, that you’ll talk to her later, so she isn’t asking you for advice while I’m standing right there!” Little did I know that she wanted to know if I was there because she needed to talk to me again. Since I get shitty reception in his room, I went outside and called her up, concerned, naturally. She was crying hysterical, more than she was at my house. Basically, she needed me. She needed to repair her heart, but she at least wanted to do it with me in her life. She couldn’t deal being away from me like we had planned… and I reciprocated those feelings. We talked for a bit and agreed that we shouldn’t slow things down the way we had planned. We then made plans to see each other later. Which made me very happy. She hadn’t made plans with nameless (for Saturday) after all, since she knew she planned on breaking up with me, and her friends were going to have a cheer-Hayley-up sleepover with lots of booze and stupidity. Instead, we just had a good night of hanging out, because we didn’t break up after all. We all went to Krys’s house… the proposed sleepover spot, and played taboo and had a lot of fun. The night was still weird, because I wasn’t sure whether I should be lovey to her or not. Then through a series of events, I found out that Hayley discovered an email I sent to Rohm asking for directions and my plans to clearly surprise Hayley up at Binghamton. I was very angry at that point because my surprise was ruined. However, she held me so tight and teared and told me to please come up anyway, regardless of the slowing things down. (she also said she didn’t know when the thing was going down) So I agreed.
The next day was Sunday, and it was the Columbus Day Parade here on Staten Island. Hayley and I went to see the parade and it was perfect. We had a lot of fun, not even because the parade was that spectacular, but because we were together. Then, we then hung out on Monday, and got into a little fight, but it ended quickly… The weekend just plain sucked. No other words to describe it. The whole Hayley situation, plus the fact my mother was on my case because I was hardly home that weekend and she just wanted to make sure that I get a good amount of studying done… well I broke down in her room… I couldn’t take it… I mean she came in and held me… but I was just soo angry about it all… it didn’t help one bit. I just wanted to run away. I felt so apathetic to it all. I didn’t feel the warmness inside when Hayley tries to comfort me. I didn’t feel anything. I needed to get my mind off it all… so we headed back downstairs to watch the rest of a movie. As the movie progressed, I calmed down, and all I could do is watch the movie and look at the girl right in front of me and think about how much I love her. We ended off the day showing our love for each other, and things seemed almost right again. She left the next day. We watched the last two episodes of Boy Meets World together before she left. We said goodbye and then I went to work out with Andrew.
Basically, that weekend was the fastest, yet slowest, steepest, yet most level roller coaster within the roller coaster described in this uber-long journal entry. It sucked so much, yet ended pretty well. C'est la vie.
Part 3 - The “Forensics” Trip
A week past, and I was looking forward to going away that weekend to you know where :-D. Andrew and I drove up and surprised Hayley, who I told that I was going to Upenn for a Forensics trip… and we were just soooo happy. We spent Friday night going out to a few bars and danced all night. It was so wonderful and hormone filled. I drank some, and Hayley was tipsy… and She is SOOOOOOO cute when she’s tipsy!! The night ended not so good for two reasons… 1) poor Laura had way way way too much to drink. She ended up getting sick… which lead to # 2) she had to stay home that night… meaning all the pent up “energy” for waxing the linoleum that was acquired by dancing would have to be put on hold since the roommate would be right there next to us in the dorm room :-\. However, friends come first lol.
The next night, we waxed plenty :-D
Oh yea, before that, there was a big argument. Simply put, I’m not a fan of playing games while driving a car, and one started momentarily, and it ended up in us getting into a big argument. I don’t want people I love to die because of car accidents, and she felt I was attacking her, specifically, and her driving abilities… when I really wasn’t. Andrew had to pull me to the side and calm me down and stop me from crying, because I just hate getting Hayley upset and angry. We eventually made up, after calming down of course, and had a good night of taboo and… um… well u read the last paragraph :-D
That weekend was so amazing. I got to stay at Binghamton and play football, and watch football, and play tackle (with my girlfriend), and we were so happy. Even with the argument, I wouldn’t change a thing about that weekend. It was so great… c'est la vie right?? Well…
Part 4 - The Car Accident
Andrew and I get home late on Sunday night from our 3.5 hour trip. And I go on Facebook and read a note by Crystal Igneri titled, “R.I.P. Brett Adam Anderson”. I’m like wtf?? I read it and it’s a poem, a very heartfelt poem and at the bottom it read “R.I.P. Brett Anderson APRIL 7, 1986 - OCTOBER 8, 2006” I was like OH MY GOD… I immediately told Andrew. I fished around the internet for some answers, and I learned that it was a Car accident!!!! I just couldn’t help the irony of it all… I mean I just got into an argument over the weekend of not wanting a good friend of mine to die because of an automobile accident, and low and behold… my childhood friend dies!! One kid told me he heard that it was alcohol related. But I didn’t put much stock into it since it could be a vicious rumor that is unproven and I wasn’t about to say anything unless I had proof. I told everyone I saw who knew Brett. All but maybe 2 were like NO FUCKING WAY… the other two had heard before I said anything.
This entire week has been difficult. The wake was today. It was so sad. He was such a great guy with such a promising future. He was always in the Honors classes from elementary school up until HS, and he wanted to be a Mechanical Engineer. During the week, it was confirmed that he had a fake ID on him, and the police reports state that he was driving home with a friend from two “night spots” on Staten Island and was going 70 mph before colliding with some parked cars and then hitting a pole or a tree or something. He died within 1 hour of arriving at the hospital.
At the wake, I saw so many people from my past. It was so weird. First thing I did was I got on line to go to the open casket. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I’ve never seen someone just laying there before. When it got to my turn to kneel next to him, I felt nothing. I was really sad right before… however it was so weird. I was suddenly void of emotion. Something in me was blocked. However I said a prayer and went to give my regards to his folks. After that, I spent a long time with Matt, Mike Santoro, JayVal, Andrew, Nina, Devon, and Kenny. I saw Crystal on the couch, crying her eyes out unbearably. The last time I remember seeing her was back in HS. I felt so bad for her. They were best friends. That started to get me going again. Then I was looking at the slideshow they had up on the screen and that was very very saddening. There were quite a few instances where the tears almost started flowing. But I stopped them. I saw old friends from Farrell, I saw old friends from childhood. Dineen, Jamie Zuckerman, Ross Eison, and Brandon Fanny came in… I hadn’t seen Brandon since 5th grade. After being there a while, I saw the tears on Dinneen’s face and Jamie’s. I felt so shitty at that point. Kenny was taking it very badly. Jayson had a tear I think. I remember how Dinneen was my very first crush back in the 5th grade. So seeing her sad was also a shot to the heart, since we go so far back since 2nd grade. I then saw Jamie writing something down. I saw that it was a booklet with pieces of paper where people write their fondest memory, or A memory of Brett for a scrap book. When Jamie was finished, I wrote down the first time Brett ever said anything to me.
It was the day in 5th grade when the Honors class played the Backup honors class in kickball. It was legendary (for the 5th grade) By the time I was at the plate, they pitched the ball and I kicked it farther than any of the other kids did… even the athletic John Franklino… it went so far over everyone’s head, I was able to make my way around the bases before they could get me out. I think we (backup honors) won that game. After the game, Brett, who was standing on line for his class, says to me “Hey Mike, nice kick!”
And those were his first words to me ever.
We spent every year of our lives in school together until College. We weren’t close. But we would always say hi if we passed each other and all. I even found out he went to the same pre-school as me… and I never even knew.
Today was just a very very very sad day. "C'est la vie" eh?? “That is life”?? Ironic… because it’s ironic that everyone lives to only die in the end. I really hope there is a heaven up there. Because if there is, I’m sure he was way too good for this world.
Ugh. I need to stop typing. I’m going to get my pajamas all wet with tears. Just to think… I started writing this thing 3 hours ago… this has been such a horrible day… week… past few weeks even… well, not all of it… only certain parts. But After today, I can’t seem to focus on the good… I mean my schoolwork does keep the focus off his death, but today was all about it… and I’m just so not in the mood for “life”… Heh… "c'est la vie"… Heh…
Part 1 - The Plan
Hmmm how far back shall we go?? Let's go real back... like 4 weeks ago. I went to Yale University with the Forensics team. It was such a great trip. It was like a mini vacation for me. I enjoyed hanging out with old friends of mine and I had so much fun. I roomed with Tom Bond and Zach Habib, and we had a blast. So many jokes were made and the Giants played well that week and Zorro the Gay Blade was hysterical and I coached some pieces and they ended up doing pretty well so I was proud of that and I just realized this is one long run on sentence. I probably came back pretty tired, but it was worth it. It sooo lifted my spirits... c'est la vie!
Sometime before the trip... or was it soon after?... i don't know... inconsequential anyhow... Andrew says to me while working out... "So when are we taking a trip up to Binghamton??" and I was like... huh?? who are you kidding?? lollol... Now that I think about it, it must have been before... because on the way home from Yale, Monte told me there was another meet at UPenn three weeks afterwards. So then one day I tell Andrew... clear your schedule... we're going up to Binghamton on Columbus Day weekend!! I contacted Mike Rohm and Laura and told them to be ready for our arrival… I was going to surprise Hayley on Columbus Day weekend!!!! In Rohm’s words, “you are the last person she’ll be expecting to be there”. Laura’s words… “She’s going to die!!” lol.
Part 2 - The Weekend
Well, let's fast forward about 1.5 weeks... As we all know, I had been feeling insecure about my relationship with Hayley ever since beginning-middle September due to the communication issue. Well, it lead to many things, including drudging up old feelings of fear and jealousy that starts bringing the rollercoaster back into the picture. I think it was a Wednesday when I saw an away message that Hayley posted which I was curious as to... it said that "she was right" about something... and we always joke around about how I'm always right... no she's always right... back and forth... it's cute. Well, not only was I curious as to what she was "right" about, but I felt it was going to be something I'd find cute... well it wasn't at the time. I read the reason why, and it all just plummeted... I was referring to her friend, who shall remain nameless... who just so happens to be her ex-boyfriend or whatever. She was being a good friend to him and trying to cheer him up in his (then) current, depressed state. I took it way out of line and context and became insanely jealous of their friendship, and what I perceived as their ability to communicate better than I do with my own girlfriend. And it didn't help that I didn't like him from events from a few months prior that should have never taken place the way they did. The argument became bitter and fast and I guess hurtful. I just couldn't understand why their friendship was even there, especially when she was the one who forbade her best friend from talking to him in the past and stuff from their past had taken place where she personally hated him. And I confronted her with it. The argument lasted for two days... and even began to involve her best friend who talked to me and convinced me to just let it be... because it wasn't worth it anymore... no matter how much it didn't make sense to anybody except Hayley.
And I agreed... but that argument did some damage. Then it got even worse. Even though I was making an effort to accept the friendship and really make great strides to being a better person, I get the news dumped on me that Hayley made plans with him to spend time with him the same night we had planned to be together for over a month... because of the argument!!! (I mean he had his Jewish holiday to celebrate the rest of the weekend, but it was supposed to be OUR night lol)... I was off the wall at that point. I mean I really was trying... but 15 minutes (literally 15 minutes) doesn't change a person from being insanely jealous to totally accepting. There was hardcore yelling and I ended up breaking down right in the Student Government office trying to call Krystina back because things didn't get better like they were supposed to. She eventually calmed me down after 2 hours of trying to contact her in my fragile state, and helped me realize that if it WASN'T her ex-boyfriend, and just simply her or one of Hayley's other friends, I wouldn't be making such a big deal out of it... and while Hayley shouldn't have made different plans and disregarded ours and tried to push them to a later date, I should be treating this as if nameless is one of her girlfriends... that helped a lot.
So, I knew she was coming home that weekend and all... and by Thursday night, I really hoped it would be behind us somewhat... because after all the downhill arguing... and after we talked and apologized to each other... I really couldn't wait to see her. She told me that she would see me on Saturday... because she was going to hang out with her girls on Friday night... and I secretly was hoping she would surprise me in the middle of the night (on Friday night) and stop by my house like she had done in the past just for a hello kiss or something... but nothing :-\...
C'est la vie! So there was a big downer (that huge argument)... and a little rise up (the ending of the arguing and knowing my sweetie was safe on the Island and that I was going to be a better person and learn from that argument and change my ways and thinking about them... because I have nothing to be jealous or worried about and because I knew she was home and I was only a few hours from seeing her)... but of course, my Friday went down some more, because I attended a memorial service of a CSI alumnus who passed away this summer... it was so nice yet so sad... and it only made me miss my girlfriend more. (which probably also contributed why I was really hoping she'd stop by my house before she went to sleep that night :-\ )
Later that night, after she made a really quick goodnight to me because she said she was "tired", I receive an IM from the boy who will remain nameless saying that I'm an idiot for the way I'm acting and all... and I tried to reason with him, and told him that he didn't know what he was talking about because Hayley and I were working on it and that things would be alright... we were done arguing and I have accepted it all and I explained to him the past month and what we both have been going through and that it wasn't me hurting her the majority of the time, but rather her sadness stemmed from the distance and her missing me. Little did I know that I was making a complete fool of myself to a guy I wasn’t thrilled with in the first place… because of what happened only 6 hours later… a definite c'est la vie moment.
Hayley of course was aware of the entire conversation between me and nameless, she was both on the phone and online when it happened. Eventually, he stopped talking to me and I thought she had gone to sleep… only a few hours later, after a Friday that was both long and depressing and stressing, at like 8 AM Saturday morning, get a call from Hayley and she was saying that we need to talk… and here begins the worst day… or heck, the worst weekend I’ve had in the looooooooongest time. I wait until the coast is clear in my house, make sure nobody is awake, and then call her back and tell her to come over. My heart was racing… heck just typing all this out right now… my heart is racing now!! It was that fuckin bad!!
She apparently didn’t sleep more than 1 hour the night before because she knew that today was going to be the day she breaks up with me. I was heart broken. I was shocked. I couldn’t believe that she would give up and fold so easily for something that I know she put so much effort into, and had her heart so far into. I couldn’t comprehend how we could have possibly gotten to this point. I mean I knew that the past month had been rough on both of us, but I knew it started because she was acting totally different than she used to… it wasn’t like she was never away at school before… the last time she was away at school for an entire semester, she hadn’t been acting the way she did within that one month… which is why we had our first argument about the communication problem…
Apparently, all the arguments we had had that month of September took a toll on her heart. She was hurt. We both are stubborn people… one of our best and worst qualities. And I never knew it, but she had lost trust in me to care for her heart… or so it can be said… like… the arguments hurt her so much that she was afraid to “give” me her heart… because she was afraid that I would hurt her again in no time the next time we argued. However, I wasn’t about to let go. I cherish ever moment I talk to her, ever moment I spend with her, ever moment she is on my mind, which practically is every moment… I wasn’t about to give that up without a fight… and by fight, I mean a looong talk about what has been going on.
Part of me has to thank that nameless fellow for IMming me the night prior… because if he hadn’t, she may have never seen the side of me that I tried very hard to be… the understanding, calm, well-thought out Michael. We spent a long time in the family room of my house, holding her and both of us crying… then she was just so exhausted that we went to my room and laid down for a bit… we kept talking for a long time… spilling our heart and what we were feeling… Also, everyone knew that she was going to break up with me… All her closest friends, her sister and parents, and even Mr. Nameless over there. Apparently, the night before, she had spent the entire night at McDonald’s with Krys and Lindsey, discussing the breakup. After finding this all out, and both of us crying our eyes out, I eventually had to take a breather, so I let her sleep for a while and I took a shower to calm my nerves and think about what we had discussed…
We agreed that it was probably best not to break up, but to go on a “break”. To stay true to each other, not see anyone else, but to basically slow it down a lot, basically, so she can heal. In other words, all the plans for the weekend were shot, I would not be spending time with my love, and I would only probably get a goodbye hug on Tuesday morning before she left for school, maybe a kiss if I was lucky. I was devastated… but if it meant getting my old Hayley back, the girl who trusted me, who felt loved by me, who could always talk to me no matter what the situation, who was my best friend at one point… well I’ll do whatever it takes. She left my house and I felt that watching her drive away was so hard. I immediately IMmed Rohm and told him the whole trip was off. There was no way I was going to see her since she needed her space. I hadn’t felt so low in soooo long. C'est la vie.
I called up Andrew, and went over his house… I needed a friend… and he’s the only one I could think of going to in this situation. I watched him play Final Fantasy VII and then we watched some Buffy the Vampire Slayer after telling him the entire story. While I’m there, he receives an IM from guess who… Hayley. I tell him, “tell her I am right here, that you’ll talk to her later, so she isn’t asking you for advice while I’m standing right there!” Little did I know that she wanted to know if I was there because she needed to talk to me again. Since I get shitty reception in his room, I went outside and called her up, concerned, naturally. She was crying hysterical, more than she was at my house. Basically, she needed me. She needed to repair her heart, but she at least wanted to do it with me in her life. She couldn’t deal being away from me like we had planned… and I reciprocated those feelings. We talked for a bit and agreed that we shouldn’t slow things down the way we had planned. We then made plans to see each other later. Which made me very happy. She hadn’t made plans with nameless (for Saturday) after all, since she knew she planned on breaking up with me, and her friends were going to have a cheer-Hayley-up sleepover with lots of booze and stupidity. Instead, we just had a good night of hanging out, because we didn’t break up after all. We all went to Krys’s house… the proposed sleepover spot, and played taboo and had a lot of fun. The night was still weird, because I wasn’t sure whether I should be lovey to her or not. Then through a series of events, I found out that Hayley discovered an email I sent to Rohm asking for directions and my plans to clearly surprise Hayley up at Binghamton. I was very angry at that point because my surprise was ruined. However, she held me so tight and teared and told me to please come up anyway, regardless of the slowing things down. (she also said she didn’t know when the thing was going down) So I agreed.
The next day was Sunday, and it was the Columbus Day Parade here on Staten Island. Hayley and I went to see the parade and it was perfect. We had a lot of fun, not even because the parade was that spectacular, but because we were together. Then, we then hung out on Monday, and got into a little fight, but it ended quickly… The weekend just plain sucked. No other words to describe it. The whole Hayley situation, plus the fact my mother was on my case because I was hardly home that weekend and she just wanted to make sure that I get a good amount of studying done… well I broke down in her room… I couldn’t take it… I mean she came in and held me… but I was just soo angry about it all… it didn’t help one bit. I just wanted to run away. I felt so apathetic to it all. I didn’t feel the warmness inside when Hayley tries to comfort me. I didn’t feel anything. I needed to get my mind off it all… so we headed back downstairs to watch the rest of a movie. As the movie progressed, I calmed down, and all I could do is watch the movie and look at the girl right in front of me and think about how much I love her. We ended off the day showing our love for each other, and things seemed almost right again. She left the next day. We watched the last two episodes of Boy Meets World together before she left. We said goodbye and then I went to work out with Andrew.
Basically, that weekend was the fastest, yet slowest, steepest, yet most level roller coaster within the roller coaster described in this uber-long journal entry. It sucked so much, yet ended pretty well. C'est la vie.
Part 3 - The “Forensics” Trip
A week past, and I was looking forward to going away that weekend to you know where :-D. Andrew and I drove up and surprised Hayley, who I told that I was going to Upenn for a Forensics trip… and we were just soooo happy. We spent Friday night going out to a few bars and danced all night. It was so wonderful and hormone filled. I drank some, and Hayley was tipsy… and She is SOOOOOOO cute when she’s tipsy!! The night ended not so good for two reasons… 1) poor Laura had way way way too much to drink. She ended up getting sick… which lead to # 2) she had to stay home that night… meaning all the pent up “energy” for waxing the linoleum that was acquired by dancing would have to be put on hold since the roommate would be right there next to us in the dorm room :-\. However, friends come first lol.
The next night, we waxed plenty :-D
Oh yea, before that, there was a big argument. Simply put, I’m not a fan of playing games while driving a car, and one started momentarily, and it ended up in us getting into a big argument. I don’t want people I love to die because of car accidents, and she felt I was attacking her, specifically, and her driving abilities… when I really wasn’t. Andrew had to pull me to the side and calm me down and stop me from crying, because I just hate getting Hayley upset and angry. We eventually made up, after calming down of course, and had a good night of taboo and… um… well u read the last paragraph :-D
That weekend was so amazing. I got to stay at Binghamton and play football, and watch football, and play tackle (with my girlfriend), and we were so happy. Even with the argument, I wouldn’t change a thing about that weekend. It was so great… c'est la vie right?? Well…
Part 4 - The Car Accident
Andrew and I get home late on Sunday night from our 3.5 hour trip. And I go on Facebook and read a note by Crystal Igneri titled, “R.I.P. Brett Adam Anderson”. I’m like wtf?? I read it and it’s a poem, a very heartfelt poem and at the bottom it read “R.I.P. Brett Anderson APRIL 7, 1986 - OCTOBER 8, 2006” I was like OH MY GOD… I immediately told Andrew. I fished around the internet for some answers, and I learned that it was a Car accident!!!! I just couldn’t help the irony of it all… I mean I just got into an argument over the weekend of not wanting a good friend of mine to die because of an automobile accident, and low and behold… my childhood friend dies!! One kid told me he heard that it was alcohol related. But I didn’t put much stock into it since it could be a vicious rumor that is unproven and I wasn’t about to say anything unless I had proof. I told everyone I saw who knew Brett. All but maybe 2 were like NO FUCKING WAY… the other two had heard before I said anything.
This entire week has been difficult. The wake was today. It was so sad. He was such a great guy with such a promising future. He was always in the Honors classes from elementary school up until HS, and he wanted to be a Mechanical Engineer. During the week, it was confirmed that he had a fake ID on him, and the police reports state that he was driving home with a friend from two “night spots” on Staten Island and was going 70 mph before colliding with some parked cars and then hitting a pole or a tree or something. He died within 1 hour of arriving at the hospital.
At the wake, I saw so many people from my past. It was so weird. First thing I did was I got on line to go to the open casket. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I’ve never seen someone just laying there before. When it got to my turn to kneel next to him, I felt nothing. I was really sad right before… however it was so weird. I was suddenly void of emotion. Something in me was blocked. However I said a prayer and went to give my regards to his folks. After that, I spent a long time with Matt, Mike Santoro, JayVal, Andrew, Nina, Devon, and Kenny. I saw Crystal on the couch, crying her eyes out unbearably. The last time I remember seeing her was back in HS. I felt so bad for her. They were best friends. That started to get me going again. Then I was looking at the slideshow they had up on the screen and that was very very saddening. There were quite a few instances where the tears almost started flowing. But I stopped them. I saw old friends from Farrell, I saw old friends from childhood. Dineen, Jamie Zuckerman, Ross Eison, and Brandon Fanny came in… I hadn’t seen Brandon since 5th grade. After being there a while, I saw the tears on Dinneen’s face and Jamie’s. I felt so shitty at that point. Kenny was taking it very badly. Jayson had a tear I think. I remember how Dinneen was my very first crush back in the 5th grade. So seeing her sad was also a shot to the heart, since we go so far back since 2nd grade. I then saw Jamie writing something down. I saw that it was a booklet with pieces of paper where people write their fondest memory, or A memory of Brett for a scrap book. When Jamie was finished, I wrote down the first time Brett ever said anything to me.
It was the day in 5th grade when the Honors class played the Backup honors class in kickball. It was legendary (for the 5th grade) By the time I was at the plate, they pitched the ball and I kicked it farther than any of the other kids did… even the athletic John Franklino… it went so far over everyone’s head, I was able to make my way around the bases before they could get me out. I think we (backup honors) won that game. After the game, Brett, who was standing on line for his class, says to me “Hey Mike, nice kick!”
And those were his first words to me ever.
We spent every year of our lives in school together until College. We weren’t close. But we would always say hi if we passed each other and all. I even found out he went to the same pre-school as me… and I never even knew.
Today was just a very very very sad day. "C'est la vie" eh?? “That is life”?? Ironic… because it’s ironic that everyone lives to only die in the end. I really hope there is a heaven up there. Because if there is, I’m sure he was way too good for this world.
Ugh. I need to stop typing. I’m going to get my pajamas all wet with tears. Just to think… I started writing this thing 3 hours ago… this has been such a horrible day… week… past few weeks even… well, not all of it… only certain parts. But After today, I can’t seem to focus on the good… I mean my schoolwork does keep the focus off his death, but today was all about it… and I’m just so not in the mood for “life”… Heh… "c'est la vie"… Heh…