I really screwed up this time
I should be sleeping. I should be happy. I should be dreaming of my girlfriend. I should not feel regret. I should not feel discouraged.
But I screwed up tonight. I'll be surprised if my girlfriend ever gets over the shit I pulled tonight. I'll be surprised if I haven't screwed up this relationship in a number of ways.
We were fine earlier in the evening. Many of my stupid feelings about certain situations were fixed, and I felt loved. So very loved. There was one thing that was left unfinished though. And I had to bring it up. All I meant for it to do was to help a certain aspect of our relationship. All I wanted was to help her see something through my eyes. See why it's important to me. See what I feel if the tables were reversed. See how good, and happy, and close, intimately close i feel when the tables are reversed. How much love is shown...
However she doesn't feel the same way. And I got discouraged for many reasons. I never knew how she felt. I always had this picture perfect idea that we felt the same way regarding this situation. I felt that it was one of the most ultimate ways one can express their love for another. She felt it doesn't compare to other expressions of love. As if it was beneath the magic realm of our conversation. I was hurt.
Then in trying to figure out why she felt different, and why things have slowed down with respect to this situation, our arguement ensues. It escalated. I started to act selfish. I started to say things I would never ever EVER say in a million years to someone I care about... selfish things. I mean I was shocked, and sad at the newfound revelation I had, but for some reason, due to it, it had taken over my sense of judgement and even though I was trying to figure out why it all is the way it is, I ended up turning myself into "the victim". Was I going to miss out on this part of our relationship? yes... perhaps. But suddenly, due to my hurt, I began to disregard her views on the situation. I disregarded her feelings. I just kept asking why? when I knew the answer. And the worst part, was that I never realized I did it. I mean I did, but I didn't realize it was wrong... I kept trying to justify it.
What had happened, was that the arguement was finished. I was sad, dejected, and I felt lost as to what I believed for a year and a half of my life. And she was mad that I was arguing over it, and being selfish about it too... But at 4 in the morning, I saw her away message stating that it was the worst night of her life. And that got me even angrier because it was dumb. The situation did not warrant this being the worst night of her life. Actually, before I retaliated back at that comment, I still don't see how it was the "worst night of her life" because I know she's had to have felt worse. Anyway, I could not speak to her just yet, because I was helping my friend out with some problems. I figured, by 4 oclock, I'll go to bed, and get a small amount of sleep. But I had to criticize her comment about being the worst night ever, and then start the whole thing over again. This time I kept going around in circles. It was endless... once one thing was sort of finalized, I magically found another thing to complain about... all in attempts to figure out why it was the way it was.
Things escalated so much to the point that she had given up on me. And because she was giving up on me, I did everything I could to keep her there... even if it meant continue arguing. And that's what I did. It kept getting worse and worse, and finally, it hit me how deep I had gotten. At this point, everything came crashing down on me. Past 5 in the morning, I just broke down. I didn't want her to give up on me. I didn't want her to stop talking to me. I didn't want to be arguing like that anymore. I didn't want to lose what I had... even though I was... but at the same time, I didn't want to further fuck my the situation... and at the same time, I WAS. Which just added a whole new level to my dispair. Because then, it became more than just the situation and conversation that got us into this mess, but I knew our whole relationship was in jeopardy. And as I said, I crashed down. I had a nervous breakdown right there. I screwed up so much.
And I realized something now. I'm stubborn. Which was also a factor in why I was so adamant about figuring out why she would feel differently about our situation. So it was that mixed with hurt and confusion that kept that argument going. At this point, I don't know what to expect. The ball is in her court now. If she wants to speak to me, I'll be glad. But I highly doubt it. We had just come out of a fight last night, and things were great for a whole 2 or 3 hours. And in by best attempts to make our relationship stronger, I ended up weakening it. It's all my fault. I wish I could turn back the clock and stop myself at the point where I learn her feelings and remind myself that her feelings (or lack there of regarding this situation) cannot be changed... not even with my point of view of feelings which I wanted to share with her in the beginning.
She and I talked on the phone afterwards... but I know it was only out of necessity. She probably felt it necessary to stay on the phone with me during my mental breakdown. I don't blame her. But I won't be alright anytime soon. If things could go back to the way they were, and she'd be alright... well, I'd be just dandy. But that's not the way the world turns. We'd be alright now. We'd be sleeping now. I wouldn't have pushed her farther away from me than I ever have before. I worry about us and our future, because I'm afraid of scenarios like this. And I don't know what to do.
I'm going to sleep so I can get 1 1/2 hours of sleep before I wake up for classes.
But I screwed up tonight. I'll be surprised if my girlfriend ever gets over the shit I pulled tonight. I'll be surprised if I haven't screwed up this relationship in a number of ways.
We were fine earlier in the evening. Many of my stupid feelings about certain situations were fixed, and I felt loved. So very loved. There was one thing that was left unfinished though. And I had to bring it up. All I meant for it to do was to help a certain aspect of our relationship. All I wanted was to help her see something through my eyes. See why it's important to me. See what I feel if the tables were reversed. See how good, and happy, and close, intimately close i feel when the tables are reversed. How much love is shown...
However she doesn't feel the same way. And I got discouraged for many reasons. I never knew how she felt. I always had this picture perfect idea that we felt the same way regarding this situation. I felt that it was one of the most ultimate ways one can express their love for another. She felt it doesn't compare to other expressions of love. As if it was beneath the magic realm of our conversation. I was hurt.
Then in trying to figure out why she felt different, and why things have slowed down with respect to this situation, our arguement ensues. It escalated. I started to act selfish. I started to say things I would never ever EVER say in a million years to someone I care about... selfish things. I mean I was shocked, and sad at the newfound revelation I had, but for some reason, due to it, it had taken over my sense of judgement and even though I was trying to figure out why it all is the way it is, I ended up turning myself into "the victim". Was I going to miss out on this part of our relationship? yes... perhaps. But suddenly, due to my hurt, I began to disregard her views on the situation. I disregarded her feelings. I just kept asking why? when I knew the answer. And the worst part, was that I never realized I did it. I mean I did, but I didn't realize it was wrong... I kept trying to justify it.
What had happened, was that the arguement was finished. I was sad, dejected, and I felt lost as to what I believed for a year and a half of my life. And she was mad that I was arguing over it, and being selfish about it too... But at 4 in the morning, I saw her away message stating that it was the worst night of her life. And that got me even angrier because it was dumb. The situation did not warrant this being the worst night of her life. Actually, before I retaliated back at that comment, I still don't see how it was the "worst night of her life" because I know she's had to have felt worse. Anyway, I could not speak to her just yet, because I was helping my friend out with some problems. I figured, by 4 oclock, I'll go to bed, and get a small amount of sleep. But I had to criticize her comment about being the worst night ever, and then start the whole thing over again. This time I kept going around in circles. It was endless... once one thing was sort of finalized, I magically found another thing to complain about... all in attempts to figure out why it was the way it was.
Things escalated so much to the point that she had given up on me. And because she was giving up on me, I did everything I could to keep her there... even if it meant continue arguing. And that's what I did. It kept getting worse and worse, and finally, it hit me how deep I had gotten. At this point, everything came crashing down on me. Past 5 in the morning, I just broke down. I didn't want her to give up on me. I didn't want her to stop talking to me. I didn't want to be arguing like that anymore. I didn't want to lose what I had... even though I was... but at the same time, I didn't want to further fuck my the situation... and at the same time, I WAS. Which just added a whole new level to my dispair. Because then, it became more than just the situation and conversation that got us into this mess, but I knew our whole relationship was in jeopardy. And as I said, I crashed down. I had a nervous breakdown right there. I screwed up so much.
And I realized something now. I'm stubborn. Which was also a factor in why I was so adamant about figuring out why she would feel differently about our situation. So it was that mixed with hurt and confusion that kept that argument going. At this point, I don't know what to expect. The ball is in her court now. If she wants to speak to me, I'll be glad. But I highly doubt it. We had just come out of a fight last night, and things were great for a whole 2 or 3 hours. And in by best attempts to make our relationship stronger, I ended up weakening it. It's all my fault. I wish I could turn back the clock and stop myself at the point where I learn her feelings and remind myself that her feelings (or lack there of regarding this situation) cannot be changed... not even with my point of view of feelings which I wanted to share with her in the beginning.
She and I talked on the phone afterwards... but I know it was only out of necessity. She probably felt it necessary to stay on the phone with me during my mental breakdown. I don't blame her. But I won't be alright anytime soon. If things could go back to the way they were, and she'd be alright... well, I'd be just dandy. But that's not the way the world turns. We'd be alright now. We'd be sleeping now. I wouldn't have pushed her farther away from me than I ever have before. I worry about us and our future, because I'm afraid of scenarios like this. And I don't know what to do.
I'm going to sleep so I can get 1 1/2 hours of sleep before I wake up for classes.