Reflections...
So I'm at work now. But I feel I need to take time and write this because emotions have felt so warped in different ways the past few days. I've had the biggest fight with my girlfriend this weekend. I really yelled at her. There aren't many other things out there that would make me yell at her that way. So it was pretty serious. However, it tends to happen when you feel hurt and betrayed.
I'm trying to grow though. But it's very difficult. I still feel so many emotions about the entire situation. Plus I'm still confused because I'll never get an answer to a question that has bugged me since the beginning. Yet I still love her. I miss her. I mean I just saw her just 12 hours ago, but I miss her. She wants to remain friends with the person who helped cause these problems. Due to the recent events, that idea seems asinine. It pains me to think about Saturday night. Yet a sort of calm comes over me when I think about how I'm trying to be an understanding person regarding giving a person I don't know a chance. This whole ordeal won't be easily forgotten, and I will probably be affected for some time. Every morning since our huge blowout, (which has only really been three mornings) has been filled with confusion, hurt, sorrow and love. I wake up feeling unhappy, and then eventually I feel the complete opposite. I know I'm not bipolar, just very confused and in love.
I don't know how long it is going to take me to accept the fact that she's going to be friends with him. I don't think I'll ever understand why the events that occured on Saturday night happened, from the phone call to her sudden trust of him. I keep thinking about how for the past year and 4 months, there has nothing but loathing for this guy (by both of us), and then within one month, it's as if there was never an infraction in the first place. It will never make sense to me. At least this all hit me too quickly. I was really blindsided by this. Not the first time I've been blindsided in life, but nobody ever walks away from a blindsided hit without some altering effect.
I also almost sort of hate myself for allowing this jealousy get the best of me, and the reaction that came along with it. Granted, I did not get violent, (with her... the inanimate objects around me such as the gas pedal and steering wheel need a band-aid) but I was so angry and hurt. I rarely if anything flash anger. Very few people have ever seen my full temper. I now have one more person to add to the list of people who have seen it... a number I could count with on one hand. Nevertheless, I know I was justified by the situation, because as I stated in the last entry, what happened was inexcusable. If they were to ever happen again, devastation would only be part of my reaction. I'm not saying that I won't accept the fact that they will eventually hang out because they are friends... but if it ends up happening the same way they did that night... I can't take that, no matter how much I accept their friendship.
We finally had a talk Monday night. It was a long long talk, over 2 full hours, in person. There were tears shed on both sides. I was confronted with the full effects of my anger. I said a few things that were downright mean. I am not proud of that... which is the very main contributor to my almost hating myself for yelling at her. However, even though they were mean, they were things that I had either been denying all this time or things that were bound to come out, if not now, in the future. Things regarding her history, her upbringing, and stuff I can't totally remember. But they were stuff that had apparently been bothering me for a long time, which I may not have had any control over, but I never directly confronted with her. I just started bawling when our whole confess-a-thought session started. We were practically on the verge of starting another argument when I asked her to pull over because I was not leaving her car with the both of us angry, and that's where it started.
And from that point on, we really started to discuss the problems I'd been having. It was all very long and in-depth.I am hoping she really sees the multitude of reasons why I found that night unacceptable and why it will take me a long while for any progress in understanding and accepting their friendship. I can understand how she wants to grow too, and how it's a good thing to learn to not only be civil, but to become friends with an ex-boyfriend, but I just felt the way it happened was too big of a leap waaaay too soon. Ugh I hate this whole thing so much.
Then top off all the weirdness, after I leave my girlfriend, after all the tears and the I love you's, and me forgiving her (not to say that that I'm not still very much bothered and not to say that our relationship is like the way it was 5 days ago), I get a call from her during dinner that she got into a car accident. She's fine, but the asshole of a driver who hit her and toppled her SUV over ran off without even hesitating to see if she was alright. This also lead to my emotionally distraught thinking these past few mornings. I'm just so happy she walked away without a scratch and seems really okay after such an experience. Yet at the same time, I keep empathizing with her and what she must have gone through, and it makes me sad that she had to go through it all. I mean it's obviously partially her fault... but that doesn't mean the event wasn't scary as hell. So that also was added to my plate full of confusion the past few days.
I talked to Hayley last night about her reaction to my yelling, and I hope I didn't alienate her because of it. We got into one of our simple silly arguments yesterday. Nothing bad at all, just typical stuff you find when you're so comfortable with a person that you can argue and be fine 3 minutes later. However, this time, the look on her face wasn't good. And I knew it was because of the way I yelled at her on Sunday. So we had a discussion about how that wasn't me, and how I hope she can see me the way she did for 1 year and 5 months instead of one day out of the entire package... and it led back to the whole weekend's events. I even asked her if she realized why I was that way. She also pointed out to me that she realizes that this isn't going to just go away, since Sunday night I said I wouldn't bring it back up unless she did, yet both yesterday and the day before, it was brought up by me... And when I had told her that, I meant it, but even until this morning, the whole thing still bothers me.
I know I'm not perfect. And of course she isn't either... but heck, on certain things, I trust her more than I do myself. This situation won't be forgotten, but I think we are a lot better than we were 3 days ago. There are a myriad of things I am going to have to live with, regarding her past, our fight, my reaction, her friendship, the realization that things could have been worse (regarding the car accident), and probably more. I needed to get this all down. It's all scrambled in my head... and probably the same on this entry, but I'm just so out of it (it doesn't help that I'm running on very little sleep and I'm about get sick if I don't start taking care of myself lol)
I'm trying to grow though. But it's very difficult. I still feel so many emotions about the entire situation. Plus I'm still confused because I'll never get an answer to a question that has bugged me since the beginning. Yet I still love her. I miss her. I mean I just saw her just 12 hours ago, but I miss her. She wants to remain friends with the person who helped cause these problems. Due to the recent events, that idea seems asinine. It pains me to think about Saturday night. Yet a sort of calm comes over me when I think about how I'm trying to be an understanding person regarding giving a person I don't know a chance. This whole ordeal won't be easily forgotten, and I will probably be affected for some time. Every morning since our huge blowout, (which has only really been three mornings) has been filled with confusion, hurt, sorrow and love. I wake up feeling unhappy, and then eventually I feel the complete opposite. I know I'm not bipolar, just very confused and in love.
I don't know how long it is going to take me to accept the fact that she's going to be friends with him. I don't think I'll ever understand why the events that occured on Saturday night happened, from the phone call to her sudden trust of him. I keep thinking about how for the past year and 4 months, there has nothing but loathing for this guy (by both of us), and then within one month, it's as if there was never an infraction in the first place. It will never make sense to me. At least this all hit me too quickly. I was really blindsided by this. Not the first time I've been blindsided in life, but nobody ever walks away from a blindsided hit without some altering effect.
I also almost sort of hate myself for allowing this jealousy get the best of me, and the reaction that came along with it. Granted, I did not get violent, (with her... the inanimate objects around me such as the gas pedal and steering wheel need a band-aid) but I was so angry and hurt. I rarely if anything flash anger. Very few people have ever seen my full temper. I now have one more person to add to the list of people who have seen it... a number I could count with on one hand. Nevertheless, I know I was justified by the situation, because as I stated in the last entry, what happened was inexcusable. If they were to ever happen again, devastation would only be part of my reaction. I'm not saying that I won't accept the fact that they will eventually hang out because they are friends... but if it ends up happening the same way they did that night... I can't take that, no matter how much I accept their friendship.
We finally had a talk Monday night. It was a long long talk, over 2 full hours, in person. There were tears shed on both sides. I was confronted with the full effects of my anger. I said a few things that were downright mean. I am not proud of that... which is the very main contributor to my almost hating myself for yelling at her. However, even though they were mean, they were things that I had either been denying all this time or things that were bound to come out, if not now, in the future. Things regarding her history, her upbringing, and stuff I can't totally remember. But they were stuff that had apparently been bothering me for a long time, which I may not have had any control over, but I never directly confronted with her. I just started bawling when our whole confess-a-thought session started. We were practically on the verge of starting another argument when I asked her to pull over because I was not leaving her car with the both of us angry, and that's where it started.
And from that point on, we really started to discuss the problems I'd been having. It was all very long and in-depth.I am hoping she really sees the multitude of reasons why I found that night unacceptable and why it will take me a long while for any progress in understanding and accepting their friendship. I can understand how she wants to grow too, and how it's a good thing to learn to not only be civil, but to become friends with an ex-boyfriend, but I just felt the way it happened was too big of a leap waaaay too soon. Ugh I hate this whole thing so much.
Then top off all the weirdness, after I leave my girlfriend, after all the tears and the I love you's, and me forgiving her (not to say that that I'm not still very much bothered and not to say that our relationship is like the way it was 5 days ago), I get a call from her during dinner that she got into a car accident. She's fine, but the asshole of a driver who hit her and toppled her SUV over ran off without even hesitating to see if she was alright. This also lead to my emotionally distraught thinking these past few mornings. I'm just so happy she walked away without a scratch and seems really okay after such an experience. Yet at the same time, I keep empathizing with her and what she must have gone through, and it makes me sad that she had to go through it all. I mean it's obviously partially her fault... but that doesn't mean the event wasn't scary as hell. So that also was added to my plate full of confusion the past few days.
I talked to Hayley last night about her reaction to my yelling, and I hope I didn't alienate her because of it. We got into one of our simple silly arguments yesterday. Nothing bad at all, just typical stuff you find when you're so comfortable with a person that you can argue and be fine 3 minutes later. However, this time, the look on her face wasn't good. And I knew it was because of the way I yelled at her on Sunday. So we had a discussion about how that wasn't me, and how I hope she can see me the way she did for 1 year and 5 months instead of one day out of the entire package... and it led back to the whole weekend's events. I even asked her if she realized why I was that way. She also pointed out to me that she realizes that this isn't going to just go away, since Sunday night I said I wouldn't bring it back up unless she did, yet both yesterday and the day before, it was brought up by me... And when I had told her that, I meant it, but even until this morning, the whole thing still bothers me.
I know I'm not perfect. And of course she isn't either... but heck, on certain things, I trust her more than I do myself. This situation won't be forgotten, but I think we are a lot better than we were 3 days ago. There are a myriad of things I am going to have to live with, regarding her past, our fight, my reaction, her friendship, the realization that things could have been worse (regarding the car accident), and probably more. I needed to get this all down. It's all scrambled in my head... and probably the same on this entry, but I'm just so out of it (it doesn't help that I'm running on very little sleep and I'm about get sick if I don't start taking care of myself lol)