my heart has been ripped away...where do i begin...
It's been a very very long week. Let me make it short and sweet and I'll explain the details furthur on.
- I've been continuing to have anxiety attacks
- Jake has been taken from me. He got in serious trouble with his parents, and they have forbidden him to be with me anymore. Our relationship is cut off.
- On Friday night my mom took me into a psychiatriac hospital because I couldn't handle anything anymore. They said I was suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome. I was severely emotionally unstable and everyone was afraid I was going to try and hurt myself.
So, Thursday night Jake called me around midnight, like he usually does. His parents are really strict and we rarely get to talk on the phone for very long during the day, so we always talk late at night when both of our parents are asleep. But if his parents ever found out...his ass would be on a platter.
So he calls me and says, "I'm grounded for 2 weeks. I've been slacking off on my schoolwork. I'm grounded from talking to you on the phone for 2 weeks." So I'm thinking, oh man, that really sucks. So we continue to talk, and I'm thinking, "Wow he'd be in so much shit if anyone picked up the phone right now. Especially since he's grounded."
Then I hear the phone click. We are both sitting there in silence. Terrified. Then I hear his door swing open and his mom starts screaming at him. "I have to go." There is pure terror in his voice. I hung up the phone and was silently chanting "Oh shit, oh shit" over and over. I kept thinking, "that's it. It's over. He's in so much trouble." I was so so scared.
So I finally managed to drift into sleep at about 2 in the morning. Then I wake up because someone is pounding on my door. I look down stairs and it's Jake. At my door. He had ridden his bike ALL the way to my house. He's sweating and he looks terrified. I opened the door and pulled him into my house. "What are you DOING here?!" I asked.He said, "I had to get away. I'm sorry. I had to get away."
My mom and Dale came down the stairs and was like, "what the hell is going on?" We just told them that he got into a fight with his parents and had to get away. So they went back up to bed for a little while to let us talk through it.
We sat on the couch and he tells me, "My parents said, 'that's it. It's over. The relationship is over. You're going to have to tell Emily that you can't see her anymore. It's over.'"
I had already begun to shake. I was shivering. "Come here." He said and held me close to him. I was freezing and shaking. My whole body was trembling. I think I was going into shock. He took his coat off and wrapped it around me. We just sat there. Holding each other. Crying. Neither of us knowing what the hell we were going to do without each other.
"It'll be ok. It's ok." He kept telling me.
"I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't make it.." I knew I would go crazy without him.
He kissed my forehead. "I'll wait for you. I promise. I'll wait for the girl I was meant to be with."
Both of us realized that we would find each other again. But we would have to wait until we were both 18. Both adults who could make our own decisions. And by that time, his parents wouldn't be able to tell him he couldn't see me.
And then I kissed him. A real kiss. Tears streaming down my cheeks I looked up at him and kissed him hard on the mouth. Our first REAL kiss. I knew it would be the last time I would ever kiss him for a long time. It was a fierce, hungry kiss. Then I just broke down and starting trembling and crying again. I was the one crying the whole time. He was just so upset and in so much shock he just sat there rubbing my back and staring off ahead. Probably wondering what the hell he was going to do without me.
Then my stepdad came downstairs and said "Jake, I need to take you home. I can't let you ride your bike all the way back home, its too dangerous."
He got up off the couch and handed me his hat. "Here. Keep it. Something to remember me by."
I tried to speak but I couldn't. I just sat there and held his hat in my hands.
Then I hugged him and kissed him goodbye and watched him leave.
After he left, I just sat back on the couch shaking, and staring off into space. My mom sat next to me and I just broke down. "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. What am I going to do without him?!?" I was bawling.
All that night I didn't sleep. I just lay in my bed clutching his hat in my hands. It still smelled like him. It still had his sweat on it. It never left my hands.
The next morning he called me from work. "did you make it home ok?" I asked. He did. His parents didn't even know he sneaked out.
"I'm going to try to work something out with my parents" he said.
"I don't know what I'm going to do..."
"I'm still with you... I love you, remember that."
I try to remember that every day.
" I better go. I'll be loving you..."
And that was the last time I spoke to him.
Friday night my mom decided to take me to a psychiatriac hospital. I was so incredibly emtionally unstable at that point, that I wasn't even sure whether or not I would have killed myself. I just didn't know how to handle the situation, and there was nothing I could do.
Jake was gone. I couldn't be with him anymore because his parents are insane and decided to rip us apart.
So I got to the hospital and I kept thinking, "I don't belong here. I don't belong here!" Three days later I got out. They told me I had Post Truamatic Stress Syndrome.
I guess too many things happened at once in my life. My cat dies, I have torturous panic attacks about the rape, Jake is taken from me. It was just..a HUGE blow. I still don't know how to handle it.
I had found the most amazing guy...and I finally had realized that I DESERVED to be truly loved. And respecting. And I WAS. And now he's gone.
Now he's gone and I'll never know love like that again...
I hope we find each other again.
- I've been continuing to have anxiety attacks
- Jake has been taken from me. He got in serious trouble with his parents, and they have forbidden him to be with me anymore. Our relationship is cut off.
- On Friday night my mom took me into a psychiatriac hospital because I couldn't handle anything anymore. They said I was suffering from post-traumatic stress syndrome. I was severely emotionally unstable and everyone was afraid I was going to try and hurt myself.
So, Thursday night Jake called me around midnight, like he usually does. His parents are really strict and we rarely get to talk on the phone for very long during the day, so we always talk late at night when both of our parents are asleep. But if his parents ever found out...his ass would be on a platter.
So he calls me and says, "I'm grounded for 2 weeks. I've been slacking off on my schoolwork. I'm grounded from talking to you on the phone for 2 weeks." So I'm thinking, oh man, that really sucks. So we continue to talk, and I'm thinking, "Wow he'd be in so much shit if anyone picked up the phone right now. Especially since he's grounded."
Then I hear the phone click. We are both sitting there in silence. Terrified. Then I hear his door swing open and his mom starts screaming at him. "I have to go." There is pure terror in his voice. I hung up the phone and was silently chanting "Oh shit, oh shit" over and over. I kept thinking, "that's it. It's over. He's in so much trouble." I was so so scared.
So I finally managed to drift into sleep at about 2 in the morning. Then I wake up because someone is pounding on my door. I look down stairs and it's Jake. At my door. He had ridden his bike ALL the way to my house. He's sweating and he looks terrified. I opened the door and pulled him into my house. "What are you DOING here?!" I asked.He said, "I had to get away. I'm sorry. I had to get away."
My mom and Dale came down the stairs and was like, "what the hell is going on?" We just told them that he got into a fight with his parents and had to get away. So they went back up to bed for a little while to let us talk through it.
We sat on the couch and he tells me, "My parents said, 'that's it. It's over. The relationship is over. You're going to have to tell Emily that you can't see her anymore. It's over.'"
I had already begun to shake. I was shivering. "Come here." He said and held me close to him. I was freezing and shaking. My whole body was trembling. I think I was going into shock. He took his coat off and wrapped it around me. We just sat there. Holding each other. Crying. Neither of us knowing what the hell we were going to do without each other.
"It'll be ok. It's ok." He kept telling me.
"I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't make it.." I knew I would go crazy without him.
He kissed my forehead. "I'll wait for you. I promise. I'll wait for the girl I was meant to be with."
Both of us realized that we would find each other again. But we would have to wait until we were both 18. Both adults who could make our own decisions. And by that time, his parents wouldn't be able to tell him he couldn't see me.
And then I kissed him. A real kiss. Tears streaming down my cheeks I looked up at him and kissed him hard on the mouth. Our first REAL kiss. I knew it would be the last time I would ever kiss him for a long time. It was a fierce, hungry kiss. Then I just broke down and starting trembling and crying again. I was the one crying the whole time. He was just so upset and in so much shock he just sat there rubbing my back and staring off ahead. Probably wondering what the hell he was going to do without me.
Then my stepdad came downstairs and said "Jake, I need to take you home. I can't let you ride your bike all the way back home, its too dangerous."
He got up off the couch and handed me his hat. "Here. Keep it. Something to remember me by."
I tried to speak but I couldn't. I just sat there and held his hat in my hands.
Then I hugged him and kissed him goodbye and watched him leave.
After he left, I just sat back on the couch shaking, and staring off into space. My mom sat next to me and I just broke down. "I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. What am I going to do without him?!?" I was bawling.
All that night I didn't sleep. I just lay in my bed clutching his hat in my hands. It still smelled like him. It still had his sweat on it. It never left my hands.
The next morning he called me from work. "did you make it home ok?" I asked. He did. His parents didn't even know he sneaked out.
"I'm going to try to work something out with my parents" he said.
"I don't know what I'm going to do..."
"I'm still with you... I love you, remember that."
I try to remember that every day.
" I better go. I'll be loving you..."
And that was the last time I spoke to him.
Friday night my mom decided to take me to a psychiatriac hospital. I was so incredibly emtionally unstable at that point, that I wasn't even sure whether or not I would have killed myself. I just didn't know how to handle the situation, and there was nothing I could do.
Jake was gone. I couldn't be with him anymore because his parents are insane and decided to rip us apart.
So I got to the hospital and I kept thinking, "I don't belong here. I don't belong here!" Three days later I got out. They told me I had Post Truamatic Stress Syndrome.
I guess too many things happened at once in my life. My cat dies, I have torturous panic attacks about the rape, Jake is taken from me. It was just..a HUGE blow. I still don't know how to handle it.
I had found the most amazing guy...and I finally had realized that I DESERVED to be truly loved. And respecting. And I WAS. And now he's gone.
Now he's gone and I'll never know love like that again...
I hope we find each other again.