(no subject)
I can't sleep.
I don't go out of the house, ever. Unless there's something I want to see, or do, or if I have to go to work. I'm an absolute shut-in. Always have been. People have to drag me out to the pub or whatnot. Even then I wrangle my way out of it, make excuses not to leave the house. To sit and wallow in self-created misery.
The only person who really changed that was Sami. When we were dating I was hardly ever in my room, we'd always be somewhere. Even if it was wandering around K-Hill campus, carrying my guitar and playing poorly. First year of uni I got out a fair bit. After we broke up, in second year, I went out a lot less. Stayed in more, stopped going to lectures most of the time. Alright, I spent a fair bit of time with Dave, but that was basically going to the store, which was essentially going to work without the pay. Even so, I found more excuses not to go to gigs, or to the pub, or bacchus. It's always been the way, and I wish I could change it. But I can't, especially in Dubai where I have absolutely zero friends.
For the past few years I've spent my time basically running roughshod over other people's feelings. If I was happy, it didn't matter what I did or said to other people. If I wasn't happy, then their feelings mattered even less. I've upset a lot of people, and never once even stopped to apologise.
I'm sorry.
I know it's too little, and it's way too late, but for now it's the best I can do. I hope you understand. I've closed up to the point where I can't even articulate my feelings face to face, no matter how hard I try. It just stops, and chokes me, so I just take another swig of drink and hope if I'm drunk it might come out. But it doesn't.
Shit, I'm going to try and sleep again. I have to be up in less than 5 hours. Maybe next time I can't sleep I'll post more controversial revelations. I doubt it.
I don't go out of the house, ever. Unless there's something I want to see, or do, or if I have to go to work. I'm an absolute shut-in. Always have been. People have to drag me out to the pub or whatnot. Even then I wrangle my way out of it, make excuses not to leave the house. To sit and wallow in self-created misery.
The only person who really changed that was Sami. When we were dating I was hardly ever in my room, we'd always be somewhere. Even if it was wandering around K-Hill campus, carrying my guitar and playing poorly. First year of uni I got out a fair bit. After we broke up, in second year, I went out a lot less. Stayed in more, stopped going to lectures most of the time. Alright, I spent a fair bit of time with Dave, but that was basically going to the store, which was essentially going to work without the pay. Even so, I found more excuses not to go to gigs, or to the pub, or bacchus. It's always been the way, and I wish I could change it. But I can't, especially in Dubai where I have absolutely zero friends.
For the past few years I've spent my time basically running roughshod over other people's feelings. If I was happy, it didn't matter what I did or said to other people. If I wasn't happy, then their feelings mattered even less. I've upset a lot of people, and never once even stopped to apologise.
I'm sorry.
I know it's too little, and it's way too late, but for now it's the best I can do. I hope you understand. I've closed up to the point where I can't even articulate my feelings face to face, no matter how hard I try. It just stops, and chokes me, so I just take another swig of drink and hope if I'm drunk it might come out. But it doesn't.
Shit, I'm going to try and sleep again. I have to be up in less than 5 hours. Maybe next time I can't sleep I'll post more controversial revelations. I doubt it.