Not over it, not past it
I think I can finally talk about what crashed me. It was a week ago and I'm still not "over it". I don't think I'm ever going to be "over" it; some things you don't get over, you just get past. I know I'll have to get past it someday, but I don't know when and I don't know how. I certainly don't know whether I want to.
Here's the deal. If you read this LJ with any regularity, you know I've been a part of the Boston Occupation since the beginning. Most of my work had been done with the Legal working group, which is under the sponsorship of the National Lawyers Guild.
I busted ass for them; I kicked ass for them; I literally took names for them. I provided on-site services, administration and coordination for them. I worked closely with members and the director of the Massachusetts NLG chapter, and we came to know each other very well. The chapter director, named Urszula, was well aware how dedicated I was to the cause, that I was a professional admin, and that I'd volunteered my services as admin to NLG office several times.
A few weeks ago, they sent around a job description looking for a Legal Referral Coordinator/Administrative Assistant. In other words, the exact job I'd volunteered for again and again; the exact profession I've been working at for nearly 20 years. Of course I applied.
Last Wednesday I had my interview; one of the interviewers was Urzsula. I didn't refer to my friendship with Urzsula at all; I just stressed my experience, my skills, my Occupy work and my work with other radical groups like the Lucy Parsons center and the LGBT community. Just like I would do in any other interview. The other people who were waiting to interview were law students and young associates, not professional admins. They'd only want do do this job for a year or two, I figured. They'd see this as a step on their career ladder rather than the pinnacle of their career. I thought of this as the job I was "born to do," the kind of place I've wanted to work at since I became a legal admin.
I allowed myself to get my hopes up. I knew I shouldn't have because I'm superstitious enough not to want to jinx myself, but I did anyway.
On Friday I learned that I didn't get the job. When Urzsula called to tell me, she was very hesitant and stumbly on the phone. She knew how badly I'd wanted this. She knew how I'd react.
Evidently, somebody else had "more exact skills" that they were looking for. As opposed to me, who was with them through rain and freezing cold and day and night and cops and crazy people and marches and protests and legal observing, and who had defended them in front of people who thought legal was a bunch of elitists, and who was there from the very beginning of the occupation to the very end.
I resigned from the legal group. Not a single person asked me why. Only one person out of everyone who I'd grown so close to contacted me to say it had been good working with me and they were sorry to see me go.
Solidarity forever.
I haven't left the house since. Yeah, I crashed. Do you blame me? It took me two days to be able to get out of bed. Sometimes I can't sleep at all, sometimes I fall asleep every 2 hours, sometimes I sleep for 12 hours at a time. I can barely eat. I can barely think.
I've had to resign from the phund phactory. I can no longer deal with the stress. I can't make my hours quota. I can't bring myself to keep up with current politics because it's just too much for me to deal with.
If I'm not qualified for the job which I've pretty much been building up to for most of my working life, what else is left for me? I can't bring myself to look for another dead-end job at another soulless commercial firm. Besides, back before the occupation when I was on an active job search, there were so many people competing for the same position that the employers could be very picky. Again, I didn't seem to have the "exact skills" they were looking for.
I can't go back to being smacked in the face again and again and again, in hopes I can get a job for a company I'll hate working for.
Basically, I'm back to where I was more than six months ago: without a job, without a cause, without prospects, without hope. Face down in the dirt, ground to dust.
So there you go. That's what's going on.
This entry was originally posted at http://spiderine.dreamwidth.org/532564.html. There are
comments over there. I've disabled LJ's Facebook and Twitter cross-posting idiocy as much as I can, but if you're especially concerned, feel free to comment there.
Here's the deal. If you read this LJ with any regularity, you know I've been a part of the Boston Occupation since the beginning. Most of my work had been done with the Legal working group, which is under the sponsorship of the National Lawyers Guild.
I busted ass for them; I kicked ass for them; I literally took names for them. I provided on-site services, administration and coordination for them. I worked closely with members and the director of the Massachusetts NLG chapter, and we came to know each other very well. The chapter director, named Urszula, was well aware how dedicated I was to the cause, that I was a professional admin, and that I'd volunteered my services as admin to NLG office several times.
A few weeks ago, they sent around a job description looking for a Legal Referral Coordinator/Administrative Assistant. In other words, the exact job I'd volunteered for again and again; the exact profession I've been working at for nearly 20 years. Of course I applied.
Last Wednesday I had my interview; one of the interviewers was Urzsula. I didn't refer to my friendship with Urzsula at all; I just stressed my experience, my skills, my Occupy work and my work with other radical groups like the Lucy Parsons center and the LGBT community. Just like I would do in any other interview. The other people who were waiting to interview were law students and young associates, not professional admins. They'd only want do do this job for a year or two, I figured. They'd see this as a step on their career ladder rather than the pinnacle of their career. I thought of this as the job I was "born to do," the kind of place I've wanted to work at since I became a legal admin.
I allowed myself to get my hopes up. I knew I shouldn't have because I'm superstitious enough not to want to jinx myself, but I did anyway.
On Friday I learned that I didn't get the job. When Urzsula called to tell me, she was very hesitant and stumbly on the phone. She knew how badly I'd wanted this. She knew how I'd react.
Evidently, somebody else had "more exact skills" that they were looking for. As opposed to me, who was with them through rain and freezing cold and day and night and cops and crazy people and marches and protests and legal observing, and who had defended them in front of people who thought legal was a bunch of elitists, and who was there from the very beginning of the occupation to the very end.
I resigned from the legal group. Not a single person asked me why. Only one person out of everyone who I'd grown so close to contacted me to say it had been good working with me and they were sorry to see me go.
Solidarity forever.
I haven't left the house since. Yeah, I crashed. Do you blame me? It took me two days to be able to get out of bed. Sometimes I can't sleep at all, sometimes I fall asleep every 2 hours, sometimes I sleep for 12 hours at a time. I can barely eat. I can barely think.
I've had to resign from the phund phactory. I can no longer deal with the stress. I can't make my hours quota. I can't bring myself to keep up with current politics because it's just too much for me to deal with.
If I'm not qualified for the job which I've pretty much been building up to for most of my working life, what else is left for me? I can't bring myself to look for another dead-end job at another soulless commercial firm. Besides, back before the occupation when I was on an active job search, there were so many people competing for the same position that the employers could be very picky. Again, I didn't seem to have the "exact skills" they were looking for.
I can't go back to being smacked in the face again and again and again, in hopes I can get a job for a company I'll hate working for.
Basically, I'm back to where I was more than six months ago: without a job, without a cause, without prospects, without hope. Face down in the dirt, ground to dust.
So there you go. That's what's going on.
This entry was originally posted at http://spiderine.dreamwidth.org/532564.html. There are
comments over there. I've disabled LJ's Facebook and Twitter cross-posting idiocy as much as I can, but if you're especially concerned, feel free to comment there.