55 + 1 Thinkies About "The Eleventh Hour"
I am sure I am not alone in anticipating this particular episode of Doctor Who and thinking, "AT LAST! FINALLY!" Dear heavens, we have waited so long for this, the new incarnation not only of our Doctor, but of the entire Doctor Who dynasty. I have made no bones about the fact that ever since the prolonged sadistic torture that was Children of Earth ended I have been just sitting here gritting my teeth, waiting for the RTD (DIE IN A FIRE!) tenure to finish. AND THANK ALL THE GODS IT IS OVER. KAPUT. FINIS.
This new era means a few changes, not only in canon, but in the way these Thinkies are going to be done. It is to my infinite joy that at long last I have someone with whom to share my life, my fandom and my squee; however, that means I am no longer doing Thinkies on my first run-through of the episode. I tried doing that with "End of Time", and while it didn't go all that badly, I do feel somewhat uncomfortable doing Thinkies with Boy here because it isn't fair to him. When I do Thinkies I have to pause and start the playback over and over again and spend some time writing down my thoughts. This means that anyone who's watching the episode with me has to put up with me pausing the playback and ignoring them for however long it takes for me to write what I need to write; it also means that I'm not sharing my squee with the person who is actually in the room with me because I'm saving it all for you, my lovely readers. That's just not cool, you know?
FORTUNATELY FOR YOU THERE IS ENOUGH SQUEE TO OVERFLOW INTO AN INFINITE NUMBER OF VIEWINGS! Also, by doing this on the second view, I'll be able to catch a few things I've tended to miss the first time around, which in the past y'all have been so kind to point out to me in comments. Note: that ain't sarcasm! I love it when people point things out to me that I missed; it gives me an excuse to watch it all again! WHEE!
Since this is a Whole New Game Of Cricket (as it were), let's run through the ground rules again. Those too have changed slightly to reflect the new viewing parameters.
(1) This is my running commentary as I watch the ep for the first time AS IF I AM WATCHING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME. After I'm done, I clean up the grammar and such, but I don't go back and change any of my stupid guesses and speculation or embarrassingly overenthusiastic reactions. That means that these Thinkies WILL be filled with stupid speculations, CAPSLOCK LIEK WHOA, embarrasing overenthusiasm, and brain kittens. (2) Oh yeah, that's right: when I watch these episodes I stuff my brain with fluffy kittens until there's no room for anything but glitter and squee. Any thought of any substance whatsoever has snuck in entirely by accident. (3) NO SPOILERS ARE ALLOWED IN COMMENTS. This means YOU. If you spoil me in any way (that includes by icon), I will delete your comment and hate you forever. SRSLY. An unspoiled Arachnid is a happy arachnid, and you wouldn't like me when I'm unhappy. WHAT CONSTITUTES A SPOILER: any info you've gleaned from any source that does not include the episode, the teaser for the next episode(s), or the Confidential. Also, if you refer to the teaser for the upcoming episode(s), please be as vague as possible so as not to ruin the surprise for anyone who doesn't watch the teasers, okay? Thanks! (4) On the subject of Companions: We hereby wipe the slate clean. If you've read anything I've ever written about Doctor Who, you know I ship Doctor/Rose like burning, but I also think that Martha is the Queen of Badass and Donna is the Queen of Awesome. I am ready to open my arms to Eleven and any of his new Companions so I may love and adore them. I hope you will do the same!
ONE LAST THING before we start (I can practically hear you yelling, "GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT ALREADY!"). A new Doctor means a new drinking game! WHEE! Once again we wipe the slate clean. As of before the new episode starts, the only things I can definitely say we will be DRINK!ing for are:
1 for "Geronimo!"
1 for "Doctor who?"
1 for "It's bigger on the inside!"
1 for first sonic screwdriver sighting
We will add others as we go along.
OKAY OKAY OKAY LET'S LIGHT THIS CANDLE. ARE YOU READY? GODS KNOW I AM!
1) Notice how every series starts the same? With the long shot of the Big Blue Marble that starts zooming in? It already makes me feel like I'm home, you know? *Brain kittens crawl into Spider's lap for cuddles*
2) HI TARDIS! Oh shit HI NEW DOCTOR! OMG the sonic screwdriver is in his teeth! We already have a DRINK! *Spider chugs beer*
3) I really do not like the new riff on the theme song. REALLY. NO. It's too plastic and the melody line has changed!
4) Hi, little girl! I like you. You have real chutzpah. And you're smart to pray to Santa. He is guaranteed to answer your prayers at least once a year, as opposed to any standard Deity! And isn't it the greatest childhood fantasy of all for something like the TARDIS to just crash into your garden in the dead of night so you can Investigate With A Torch? DOCTOR WHO: IT'S FOR KIDS! *hearts*
5) Listen to the music as the anchor gets thrown out of the smoking TARDIS: one hand emerges, then the other, then.... DA DAAAAA! "Thus Spake Zarathustra"! It's the iconic chord progression from 2001: A Space Odyssey, and up pops the Doctor's head asking for an apple!
6) "I'm the Doctor. Do everything I tell you, don't ask stupid questions, and don't wander off." Uh-huh, because that always works so very well! *Spider rolls eyes* "Steering's a bit off." HA!
7) Okay, this scene with all the food is not as funny to me as it is probably intended to be. I don't think it's cute, I think it's RUDE. I don't give a shit if you're a Time Lord. You walk into someone's house, demand food and spit it out again and again? Somebody BOUGHT that food, bucko. Somebody worked for the money to pay for that food, and you're WASTING it. You're even making a child cook for you, which is the kind of thing that is probably perfectly natural and accepted in every part of the world except the USA, where such a thing would be considered a safety hazard (OMG UNSUPERVISED CHILD AROUND OPEN FLAME!). BAD Time Lord! NO fish custard!
8) Also, where are this kid's parents? A strange man is yelling and banging around their kitchen in the dead of night with their child and nobody notices? That's how you know this is a "fairy tale". In the best stories, children are always abandoned by their parents and entirely on their own when the Magic arrives. *hearts* Ah, here we go: she doesn't have a mum and dad, "just an aunt", and "she's out", and Amelia just sits there... because in fairy tales, they don't teach kids about STRANGER DANGER. Then again, as the Doctor surmises, sitting in your kitchen with the archetypal Strange Man your aunt always told you about isn't half as scary as the crack in your wall!
9) "Wibbly wobbly timey wimey." Okay, I declare that a DRINK! *Spider chugs beer*
10) FIRST HANDHOLD! I DECLARE A DRINK! *Spider chugs beer* Yes, yes, so what if I'm making up excuses to drink? Isn't that what drinking games are all about? Sheesh!
11) HOLY CRAPTASTIC! IT'S A BIG MUTHERFUCKIN' EYE! How much you wanna bet that the aliens are HUGE and to them the Doctor and Amelia are the size of dolls? OMG LOOK IN THE DOLLHOUSE! LOOK IN THE DOLLHOUSE! PRISONER ZERO IS PROBABLY IN THE DOLLHOUSE!
(Note: Remember, I've already seen this episode, but I endeavor to recreate the flail and squee that I experienced on my first viewing.)
12) PSYCHIC PAPER! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer, pauses playback, runs to get another beer*
13) AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! That's the CLOISTER BELL! It rings when the TARDIS is in mortal danger! *Spider clutches brain kittens*
(I must break in to say that I am so glad and relieved that Moffat is deliberately tying this episode and this Doctor into the ongoing legacy. RTD (DIE IN A FIRE!)'s "new face, new man, new Doctor" can go shove its new head up its new arse!)
14) "Give me 5 minutes." Oh dear. "Trust me, I'm the Doctor." SQUEEEEEEEEEE! "Geronimo!" DRINK! *Spider chugs beer*
15) Aaaaannnnnd welcome to "Girl In The Fireplace MARK 2.0". Moffat wrote that one as well, you know.
16) Cricket bat! What is this, a zombie flick? Hee!
17) Is the Doctor in the hospital now? Oh, right, change of scene "Doctor." Aaaannnnnd back again. OMG the tweety birds as he wakes up! LOLZ! Huh, that's an awfully short skirt for a constable...
18) HANDCUFFS! DOCTOR IN BONDAGE! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer*
19) Even if I hadn't been INUNDATED with the promo photos and interviews and such, I'd know that this "constable" was Amelia from the glimpse of red hair and the way she said, "Amelia Pond?" But then, I know I'm watching a TV show so I expect things to hang together -- *Brain kittens clonk Spider with a cricket bat* RIGHT. STOP. THAT'S PLOT. WE DON'T CARE ABOUT PLOT. Onward!
20) Six months? Six months my broad pale arse! SEAMED STOCKINGS? POLICE CONSTABLE MY BROAD PALE ARSE! There's no way a constable would wear a miniskirt and seamed stockings. Not only would it be impossible to run, and impossible to keep those stockings from laddering, but she could just wave goodbye to any semblance of respect and authority the uniform demands. MY THEORY: IT MUST BE BUNNIES SHE'S A STRIPPER.
21) The hospital doctor is a meanie. Roy (Rory?) is a wimp. Close-up on the photo of man and dog means they will be important in the near future.
22) "Because it will change your life... look where you don't want to look, where you never want to look..." Hee! See, that gives me the shivers, that creepy kind of thing is what tells me that not only am I watching Doctor Who, but I'm watching a script written by Stephen Moffat. *hearts! hearts!*
23) "Do not touch that door! Why does nobody ever listen to me?" Because then you'd never ever have a Companion! *hearts!* Eeek! It's a CGI Moray Eel -- WITH BIG NASTY TEETH! "It's an interdimensional multiform from outer space; they're all terrified of wood!" HA!
24) "I'm a kissogram!" I KNEW SHE WAS A STRIPPER! "Kissogram" is just a prewatershed word for stripper! DOCTOR WHO -- IT'S FOR KIDS!
25) It's not so scary that the dog's growl comes from the man, but the way they both stare without blinking and turn their heads in concert -- AND THOSE TEETH OMG OMG OMG! *Brain kittens hide behind Spider*
26) Amelia, if you're going to be a Companion, you need to be a bit quicker and back the Doctor's play! You can't be his backup if you don't agree that you called for backup! "It was either this or a French maid." See? STRIPPER!
27) The Doctor tasted the shed with his tongue! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Brain kittens wonder how the Doctor is supposed to taste something if not with his tongue. Spider tells brain kittens to shut up*
Oh wait, he didn't taste it with his tongue. He just sniffed it, rubbed his fingers on it and tasted them. OH WELL, TOO LATE! WHEE!
28) "Twelve years and four psychiatrists!" "Four?" "I kept fighting (biting?) them." Oh honey, I've been there. I know your pain... *hearts*
29) When I saw the ice cream man first I thought he was Seven! LOL! Okay, with the hat and the jacket, he looked a bit like Seven, you know? And the moment we heard "VACATE THE HUMAN RESIDENCE" coming from all those speakers I KNEW they were talking about the whole damn planet! OH NOES! THE EARTH IS IN DEADLY DANGER! *Brain kittens cavort!*
30) "Amelia, are you a police woman now? I thought you were a nurse... or a nun." See? STRIPPER!
31) "I'm the Doctor, I'm worse than everybody's aunt!" SO. FUCKING. GAY. Well, helllllloooo there pretty hunky boy! Who may you be? Yeah, Doctor, get in his grill! SO. FUCKING. GAY.
32) That eye is not as scary when it's flitting around on the television. It's even LESS scary when it's bulging out of a CGI space ship. In fact, it's kinda goofy!
33) "What happened?" "I grew up." "You never want to do that." The Doctor as Peter Pan. Check!
34) I do not like this "Doctor-cam" snapshot vision at all. It's too mechanical. I've always thought that the Doctor's thought process is more fluid than that. The Doctor IS the quantum leap, the lateral jump in thinking that no digital or analog machine can replicate because a machine must go step-by-step. The Doctor's flashes of intuition are the human thought process taken to their ultimate divine extreme -- *Brain kittens thwap Spider* SORRY! SORRY! NO DEEP THOUGHTS! TREE PRETTY, BEER FOAMY! *Spider chugs beer just because she can.*
35) "Twenty minutes and the planet burns. Run to your loved ones and say goodbye or stay and help me." THAT'S MY DOCTOR. "No!" THAT'S where I fall in love with Amy! HA! She insists on having her questions answered before she runs off with the Crazy Man. GOOD FOR YOU, AMY! "Go and have coffee." And that's where I reveal myself as an ignorant Yank who can't tell the difference between a Scottish accent and a Welsh one, because at that moment Amy sounds so much like Gwen Cooper I nearly had a tear in my eye. Or maybe it's the constable's vest? @_@
36) Apple. Temptation. The fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. And right on cue comes the seduction scene. "Just believe me for 20 minutes."
---> OKAY there's a streak of blue across the middle of the screen that just blew me right out of the scene. Is that just my copy of the video or does everyone see that? Is that a technical glitch or deliberate? Because if it's deliberate it SUCKS.
37) "Boyfriend." "Sort of boyfriend." Oh gods. It's Mickey and Rose all over again. Rory is the Tin Dog. Please don't do this to us, Moff! "You made me dress up as him!" THE FANFIC WRITES ITSELF! "Your friend, not him, the good looking one." Make that: the SLASHFIC writes itself! HA!
38) Oooh! Beer foamy, Mini Cooper pretty -- and OMG THE DOCTOR BARGES IN ON HUNKY JEFF IN HIS BEDROOM! WHILE JEFF HAS HIS WEBCAM ON! CUE THE PORNO SOUNDTRACK! *Brain kittens boogie: Bowm chickka bowm* "Blimey, get a girlfriend, Jeff." OMG!
39) Who's Patrick Moore? *Spider pauses playback, does a quick Google search* AHA! .... wait.... what? Did Patrick Moore just say, "Who is your lady friend?" About JEFF? @_@ THE SQUICKFIC WRITES ITSELF!
40) LITTLE GIRLS IN PARTY FROCKS ARE FREAKY. MULTIPLE LITTLE GIRLS IN IDENTICAL PARTY FROCKS ARE DOUBLE-SQUARED FREAKY. THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW THEY ARE EEEEEEEEEEEVIL! EEEEEEVIL!
41) "The universe is cracked. The Pandorica(?) will open. Silence will fall." "Aaaaand we're off." Yes. Yes, we are. I presume we just got the catch phrase for the rest of this series, hmmm? Okay, here's speculation time. "Silence will fall." I'm tying that to "Silence in the Library" because that refers back Handsy McSue River Song. I heard the weird word as "Pandorica" which may be entirely wrong, but ties in not only with the Greco-Roman world of "Fires of Pompeii" but with the opening-the-box-of-whupass that is implied by Pandora. Pay no mind to me, though; my predictions for this stuff are usually 180 degrees in the wrong direction, so as far as I know it'll be bunnies. Onward!
42) "WHO DA MAN?.... oh, I'm never saying that again." THANK YOU. OH DEAR GODS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT.
43) Now, about this CGI moray eel thing. WHAT is it hanging from? WHY do we not see the tail end of it? WHY is it always suspended from the ceiling? WOULD IT NOT be more mobile and dangerous and frightening if it could slither and ooze all over the -- *Brain kittens thwap Spider.* RIGHT! YES! WE DON'T NEED NO STEEEENKIN' LOGIC! DOCTOR WHO -- IT'S FOR KIDS!
Hey.... I haven't had a DRINK! in a while! Boo! *Spider chugs beer* Whee!
44) "Silence will fall." Yeah, yeah, we heard you the first time. I'm sure it won't be the last.
45) SHADOW PROCLAMATION! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer* I guess I spoke too soon about that "haven't had a drink" bit. Heh. Whee!
46) "Did he just save the world from aliens and then bring all the aliens back again?" Why yes, Tin Dog! That is exactly what he did! Because he is the Doctor and this is where he starts to KICK ARSE AND TAKE NAMES.
47) Again, he gives not a fig for the owners of all those clothes, just throwing them all over the place. Yes, I know the Doctor loves us, but this is one of those times when we're reminded that he doesn't necessarily RESPECT us. We're just a bunch of apes, you know. ;)
48) HELLO! NEKKID DOCTOR ALERT! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer* Okay, we don't SEE him naked, but just the implication of UNEXPECTED NAKED DOCTOR is worth a drink, if not an entire bottle of champagne. And Amy doesn't seem to disagree in the least! What did I tell you? STRIPPER!
49) "You are not of this world." "No, but I've put a lot of work into it." "Is this world important?" "Important? What's that mean, important? Six billion people live here, is that important? Is this world a threat to the Atraxii?" Marching Nazis, atomic bombs.... but on the other hand, Jesus. Gandhi. "No." "Are the people of this world guilty of any crime by the laws of the Atraxii?" "No." "Is this world protected?" OMG OMG OMG. Cybermen! Daleks! Arachnid queens (nasty ones, not me!)! The thingys with time -- oh and those I don't recognize -- OOD! Um, the things that Martha -- OH! SONTARANS! And -- OMG THEY ARE GOING BY TOO FAST BUT IT'S EVERY VILLAIN EVER! SQUEE! "What you've got to ask is, what happened to them?" OMG OMG OMG IT'S EVERY DOCTOR! EVERY FACE OF THE DOCTOR EVER! EVEN POOR MALIGNED EIGHT! THIS IS SO AWESOME I COULD JUST PLOTZ! AND OMG Eleven just WALKS out of the projection and says, "Hello, I'm the Doctor." SQUEE! OMG OMG! *Brain kittens fall over DED and wake up again and fall over DED again and start throwing confetti and forming a conga line!* "Basically... run." I LOVE MY SHOW!
50) OKAY WHERE DID THE TARDIS KEY COME FROM? It's one thing with the bow tie appearing out of nowhere because even though it wasn't one of the ties around his neck I can handwave that as one of the things Tin Dog was holding and Eleven put it on while the aliens were showing the recap reel, but where did he pull the TARDIS key from if he was wearing new clothes, hmmm?
AND ANOTHER THING: the Atraxii were the aliens who invented 8traxii tapes in the 1970s. TRU FAX!
*ahem* Onward!
51) So, this is the new TARDIS. It's taller than the old one. "Oh, you sexy thing." OH. MY. GODS. THE FANFIC WRITES ITSELF! Doctor/TARDIS -- IT'S FOR KIDS! Or... something... *Spider rolls eyes*
52) LOLZ! He takes off without Amy again! I know I should feel sorry for her -- oh wait she's a little girl again -- oh she's not? Was that in a dream? Is this a dream? No, I guess it isn't. "Other planets, wanna check some out?" "Where?" "Wherever. You. Like." What a slick line of patter this Eleven has, it's like he's chatting her up at a bar! "You wanted to come fourteen years ago." "I grew up." "Don't worry, I'll soon fix that." Peter goddamned Pan.
This is what the Doctor is all about: returning us to the wonder of childhood, when adventure was all around us waiting to be discovered. It's something we lost at the end of the RTD (DIE IN A FIRE!) years. And it's why, no matter how much I joke about it, that we have to remember that Doctor Who IS for kids. Not just the chronological kids for whom Eleven will be their first Doctor, but for us, the ones who are supposed to "outgrow all that", who still -- like Amelia Pond -- make our art and share our stories and no matter how grown-up we look with our business suits or constable's uniforms, still in our hearts wait for the Blue Box to land in our garden. Amelia Pond isn't really a grown up; she's not a constable or a maid or a nurse or a nun, she just play acts them. And let's admit it, just between ourselves: how many times have you seen a streak of blue out of the corner of your eye, or heard something that just might be a groaning rattle, and for one brief moment, hoped and BELIEVED? "Just believe me for 20 minutes." It doesn't even take that long; all it takes is a flash of a moment, and for that one moment, you can FLY.
Er... that was rather a bit more profound than I intended. Sorry. Back to the squee!
53) HELLO NEW TARDIS, YOU BEAUTY! Well, hell! First impression? It looks like the set for a steampunk roadshow of Starlight Express. "Any... passing remarks?" SAY IT! SAY IT! *Spider readies beer* ...... ooorrrrrr ..... not? WELL ALL RIGHTY THEN. The console is AMAZING. So many bits of gorgeous! "What's tomorrow?" "Nothing, just... stuff." Ooookay... NEW SONIC SCREWDRIVER SIGHTING! DRINK! *Spider chugs be-- and spits all over!* TYPEWRITER! HA! Oscilloscope? Do we already have weirdness going on with the TARDIS? SILLY ARACHNID, OF COURSE WE DO! :D
54) "Amy Pond, there is something you'd better understand about me and it's important because one day your life may depend on it: I am DEFINITELY a madman with a box." I LOVE MY DOCTOR.
55) In conclusion: I am SO FUCKING GLAD my show is back! I don't care that the story for this ep seems cobbled together from "The Christmas Invasion", "Girl in the Fireplace" and half a dozen other episodes (with a chaser of "Runaway Bride" at the last moment). It's the feeling of joy and hope that I'm welcoming back. For the first time in a long time, I don't have to worry; there won't be any atomic bombs, genocide, concentration camps, global slavery, gruesome death (except the fun kind!) or gutwrenching emotional manipulation (barring, y'know, peeking at Teh Skeery Monsters from between your fingers). No matter what Threat To The Earth comes a-calling, the Doctor is here and IT IS PROTECTED. Mr Moffat, I love you.
And here's a Plus One for the teaser trailer for the entire new series: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS GOING TO ROCK! And it all starts NEXT WEEK! EVERYBODY WINS FOREVER! \0/
This new era means a few changes, not only in canon, but in the way these Thinkies are going to be done. It is to my infinite joy that at long last I have someone with whom to share my life, my fandom and my squee; however, that means I am no longer doing Thinkies on my first run-through of the episode. I tried doing that with "End of Time", and while it didn't go all that badly, I do feel somewhat uncomfortable doing Thinkies with Boy here because it isn't fair to him. When I do Thinkies I have to pause and start the playback over and over again and spend some time writing down my thoughts. This means that anyone who's watching the episode with me has to put up with me pausing the playback and ignoring them for however long it takes for me to write what I need to write; it also means that I'm not sharing my squee with the person who is actually in the room with me because I'm saving it all for you, my lovely readers. That's just not cool, you know?
FORTUNATELY FOR YOU THERE IS ENOUGH SQUEE TO OVERFLOW INTO AN INFINITE NUMBER OF VIEWINGS! Also, by doing this on the second view, I'll be able to catch a few things I've tended to miss the first time around, which in the past y'all have been so kind to point out to me in comments. Note: that ain't sarcasm! I love it when people point things out to me that I missed; it gives me an excuse to watch it all again! WHEE!
Since this is a Whole New Game Of Cricket (as it were), let's run through the ground rules again. Those too have changed slightly to reflect the new viewing parameters.
(1) This is my running commentary as I watch the ep for the first time AS IF I AM WATCHING IT FOR THE FIRST TIME. After I'm done, I clean up the grammar and such, but I don't go back and change any of my stupid guesses and speculation or embarrassingly overenthusiastic reactions. That means that these Thinkies WILL be filled with stupid speculations, CAPSLOCK LIEK WHOA, embarrasing overenthusiasm, and brain kittens. (2) Oh yeah, that's right: when I watch these episodes I stuff my brain with fluffy kittens until there's no room for anything but glitter and squee. Any thought of any substance whatsoever has snuck in entirely by accident. (3) NO SPOILERS ARE ALLOWED IN COMMENTS. This means YOU. If you spoil me in any way (that includes by icon), I will delete your comment and hate you forever. SRSLY. An unspoiled Arachnid is a happy arachnid, and you wouldn't like me when I'm unhappy. WHAT CONSTITUTES A SPOILER: any info you've gleaned from any source that does not include the episode, the teaser for the next episode(s), or the Confidential. Also, if you refer to the teaser for the upcoming episode(s), please be as vague as possible so as not to ruin the surprise for anyone who doesn't watch the teasers, okay? Thanks! (4) On the subject of Companions: We hereby wipe the slate clean. If you've read anything I've ever written about Doctor Who, you know I ship Doctor/Rose like burning, but I also think that Martha is the Queen of Badass and Donna is the Queen of Awesome. I am ready to open my arms to Eleven and any of his new Companions so I may love and adore them. I hope you will do the same!
ONE LAST THING before we start (I can practically hear you yelling, "GET THE FUCK ON WITH IT ALREADY!"). A new Doctor means a new drinking game! WHEE! Once again we wipe the slate clean. As of before the new episode starts, the only things I can definitely say we will be DRINK!ing for are:
1 for "Geronimo!"
1 for "Doctor who?"
1 for "It's bigger on the inside!"
1 for first sonic screwdriver sighting
We will add others as we go along.
OKAY OKAY OKAY LET'S LIGHT THIS CANDLE. ARE YOU READY? GODS KNOW I AM!
1) Notice how every series starts the same? With the long shot of the Big Blue Marble that starts zooming in? It already makes me feel like I'm home, you know? *Brain kittens crawl into Spider's lap for cuddles*
2) HI TARDIS! Oh shit HI NEW DOCTOR! OMG the sonic screwdriver is in his teeth! We already have a DRINK! *Spider chugs beer*
3) I really do not like the new riff on the theme song. REALLY. NO. It's too plastic and the melody line has changed!
4) Hi, little girl! I like you. You have real chutzpah. And you're smart to pray to Santa. He is guaranteed to answer your prayers at least once a year, as opposed to any standard Deity! And isn't it the greatest childhood fantasy of all for something like the TARDIS to just crash into your garden in the dead of night so you can Investigate With A Torch? DOCTOR WHO: IT'S FOR KIDS! *hearts*
5) Listen to the music as the anchor gets thrown out of the smoking TARDIS: one hand emerges, then the other, then.... DA DAAAAA! "Thus Spake Zarathustra"! It's the iconic chord progression from 2001: A Space Odyssey, and up pops the Doctor's head asking for an apple!
6) "I'm the Doctor. Do everything I tell you, don't ask stupid questions, and don't wander off." Uh-huh, because that always works so very well! *Spider rolls eyes* "Steering's a bit off." HA!
7) Okay, this scene with all the food is not as funny to me as it is probably intended to be. I don't think it's cute, I think it's RUDE. I don't give a shit if you're a Time Lord. You walk into someone's house, demand food and spit it out again and again? Somebody BOUGHT that food, bucko. Somebody worked for the money to pay for that food, and you're WASTING it. You're even making a child cook for you, which is the kind of thing that is probably perfectly natural and accepted in every part of the world except the USA, where such a thing would be considered a safety hazard (OMG UNSUPERVISED CHILD AROUND OPEN FLAME!). BAD Time Lord! NO fish custard!
8) Also, where are this kid's parents? A strange man is yelling and banging around their kitchen in the dead of night with their child and nobody notices? That's how you know this is a "fairy tale". In the best stories, children are always abandoned by their parents and entirely on their own when the Magic arrives. *hearts* Ah, here we go: she doesn't have a mum and dad, "just an aunt", and "she's out", and Amelia just sits there... because in fairy tales, they don't teach kids about STRANGER DANGER. Then again, as the Doctor surmises, sitting in your kitchen with the archetypal Strange Man your aunt always told you about isn't half as scary as the crack in your wall!
9) "Wibbly wobbly timey wimey." Okay, I declare that a DRINK! *Spider chugs beer*
10) FIRST HANDHOLD! I DECLARE A DRINK! *Spider chugs beer* Yes, yes, so what if I'm making up excuses to drink? Isn't that what drinking games are all about? Sheesh!
11) HOLY CRAPTASTIC! IT'S A BIG MUTHERFUCKIN' EYE! How much you wanna bet that the aliens are HUGE and to them the Doctor and Amelia are the size of dolls? OMG LOOK IN THE DOLLHOUSE! LOOK IN THE DOLLHOUSE! PRISONER ZERO IS PROBABLY IN THE DOLLHOUSE!
(Note: Remember, I've already seen this episode, but I endeavor to recreate the flail and squee that I experienced on my first viewing.)
12) PSYCHIC PAPER! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer, pauses playback, runs to get another beer*
13) AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! That's the CLOISTER BELL! It rings when the TARDIS is in mortal danger! *Spider clutches brain kittens*
(I must break in to say that I am so glad and relieved that Moffat is deliberately tying this episode and this Doctor into the ongoing legacy. RTD (DIE IN A FIRE!)'s "new face, new man, new Doctor" can go shove its new head up its new arse!)
14) "Give me 5 minutes." Oh dear. "Trust me, I'm the Doctor." SQUEEEEEEEEEE! "Geronimo!" DRINK! *Spider chugs beer*
15) Aaaaannnnnd welcome to "Girl In The Fireplace MARK 2.0". Moffat wrote that one as well, you know.
16) Cricket bat! What is this, a zombie flick? Hee!
17) Is the Doctor in the hospital now? Oh, right, change of scene "Doctor." Aaaannnnnd back again. OMG the tweety birds as he wakes up! LOLZ! Huh, that's an awfully short skirt for a constable...
18) HANDCUFFS! DOCTOR IN BONDAGE! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer*
19) Even if I hadn't been INUNDATED with the promo photos and interviews and such, I'd know that this "constable" was Amelia from the glimpse of red hair and the way she said, "Amelia Pond?" But then, I know I'm watching a TV show so I expect things to hang together -- *Brain kittens clonk Spider with a cricket bat* RIGHT. STOP. THAT'S PLOT. WE DON'T CARE ABOUT PLOT. Onward!
20) Six months? Six months my broad pale arse! SEAMED STOCKINGS? POLICE CONSTABLE MY BROAD PALE ARSE! There's no way a constable would wear a miniskirt and seamed stockings. Not only would it be impossible to run, and impossible to keep those stockings from laddering, but she could just wave goodbye to any semblance of respect and authority the uniform demands. MY THEORY: IT MUST BE BUNNIES SHE'S A STRIPPER.
21) The hospital doctor is a meanie. Roy (Rory?) is a wimp. Close-up on the photo of man and dog means they will be important in the near future.
22) "Because it will change your life... look where you don't want to look, where you never want to look..." Hee! See, that gives me the shivers, that creepy kind of thing is what tells me that not only am I watching Doctor Who, but I'm watching a script written by Stephen Moffat. *hearts! hearts!*
23) "Do not touch that door! Why does nobody ever listen to me?" Because then you'd never ever have a Companion! *hearts!* Eeek! It's a CGI Moray Eel -- WITH BIG NASTY TEETH! "It's an interdimensional multiform from outer space; they're all terrified of wood!" HA!
24) "I'm a kissogram!" I KNEW SHE WAS A STRIPPER! "Kissogram" is just a prewatershed word for stripper! DOCTOR WHO -- IT'S FOR KIDS!
25) It's not so scary that the dog's growl comes from the man, but the way they both stare without blinking and turn their heads in concert -- AND THOSE TEETH OMG OMG OMG! *Brain kittens hide behind Spider*
26) Amelia, if you're going to be a Companion, you need to be a bit quicker and back the Doctor's play! You can't be his backup if you don't agree that you called for backup! "It was either this or a French maid." See? STRIPPER!
27) The Doctor tasted the shed with his tongue! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer. Brain kittens wonder how the Doctor is supposed to taste something if not with his tongue. Spider tells brain kittens to shut up*
Oh wait, he didn't taste it with his tongue. He just sniffed it, rubbed his fingers on it and tasted them. OH WELL, TOO LATE! WHEE!
28) "Twelve years and four psychiatrists!" "Four?" "I kept fighting (biting?) them." Oh honey, I've been there. I know your pain... *hearts*
29) When I saw the ice cream man first I thought he was Seven! LOL! Okay, with the hat and the jacket, he looked a bit like Seven, you know? And the moment we heard "VACATE THE HUMAN RESIDENCE" coming from all those speakers I KNEW they were talking about the whole damn planet! OH NOES! THE EARTH IS IN DEADLY DANGER! *Brain kittens cavort!*
30) "Amelia, are you a police woman now? I thought you were a nurse... or a nun." See? STRIPPER!
31) "I'm the Doctor, I'm worse than everybody's aunt!" SO. FUCKING. GAY. Well, helllllloooo there pretty hunky boy! Who may you be? Yeah, Doctor, get in his grill! SO. FUCKING. GAY.
32) That eye is not as scary when it's flitting around on the television. It's even LESS scary when it's bulging out of a CGI space ship. In fact, it's kinda goofy!
33) "What happened?" "I grew up." "You never want to do that." The Doctor as Peter Pan. Check!
34) I do not like this "Doctor-cam" snapshot vision at all. It's too mechanical. I've always thought that the Doctor's thought process is more fluid than that. The Doctor IS the quantum leap, the lateral jump in thinking that no digital or analog machine can replicate because a machine must go step-by-step. The Doctor's flashes of intuition are the human thought process taken to their ultimate divine extreme -- *Brain kittens thwap Spider* SORRY! SORRY! NO DEEP THOUGHTS! TREE PRETTY, BEER FOAMY! *Spider chugs beer just because she can.*
35) "Twenty minutes and the planet burns. Run to your loved ones and say goodbye or stay and help me." THAT'S MY DOCTOR. "No!" THAT'S where I fall in love with Amy! HA! She insists on having her questions answered before she runs off with the Crazy Man. GOOD FOR YOU, AMY! "Go and have coffee." And that's where I reveal myself as an ignorant Yank who can't tell the difference between a Scottish accent and a Welsh one, because at that moment Amy sounds so much like Gwen Cooper I nearly had a tear in my eye. Or maybe it's the constable's vest? @_@
36) Apple. Temptation. The fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. And right on cue comes the seduction scene. "Just believe me for 20 minutes."
---> OKAY there's a streak of blue across the middle of the screen that just blew me right out of the scene. Is that just my copy of the video or does everyone see that? Is that a technical glitch or deliberate? Because if it's deliberate it SUCKS.
37) "Boyfriend." "Sort of boyfriend." Oh gods. It's Mickey and Rose all over again. Rory is the Tin Dog. Please don't do this to us, Moff! "You made me dress up as him!" THE FANFIC WRITES ITSELF! "Your friend, not him, the good looking one." Make that: the SLASHFIC writes itself! HA!
38) Oooh! Beer foamy, Mini Cooper pretty -- and OMG THE DOCTOR BARGES IN ON HUNKY JEFF IN HIS BEDROOM! WHILE JEFF HAS HIS WEBCAM ON! CUE THE PORNO SOUNDTRACK! *Brain kittens boogie: Bowm chickka bowm* "Blimey, get a girlfriend, Jeff." OMG!
39) Who's Patrick Moore? *Spider pauses playback, does a quick Google search* AHA! .... wait.... what? Did Patrick Moore just say, "Who is your lady friend?" About JEFF? @_@ THE SQUICKFIC WRITES ITSELF!
40) LITTLE GIRLS IN PARTY FROCKS ARE FREAKY. MULTIPLE LITTLE GIRLS IN IDENTICAL PARTY FROCKS ARE DOUBLE-SQUARED FREAKY. THIS IS HOW YOU KNOW THEY ARE EEEEEEEEEEEVIL! EEEEEEVIL!
41) "The universe is cracked. The Pandorica(?) will open. Silence will fall." "Aaaaand we're off." Yes. Yes, we are. I presume we just got the catch phrase for the rest of this series, hmmm? Okay, here's speculation time. "Silence will fall." I'm tying that to "Silence in the Library" because that refers back Handsy McSue River Song. I heard the weird word as "Pandorica" which may be entirely wrong, but ties in not only with the Greco-Roman world of "Fires of Pompeii" but with the opening-the-box-of-whupass that is implied by Pandora. Pay no mind to me, though; my predictions for this stuff are usually 180 degrees in the wrong direction, so as far as I know it'll be bunnies. Onward!
42) "WHO DA MAN?.... oh, I'm never saying that again." THANK YOU. OH DEAR GODS, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT.
43) Now, about this CGI moray eel thing. WHAT is it hanging from? WHY do we not see the tail end of it? WHY is it always suspended from the ceiling? WOULD IT NOT be more mobile and dangerous and frightening if it could slither and ooze all over the -- *Brain kittens thwap Spider.* RIGHT! YES! WE DON'T NEED NO STEEEENKIN' LOGIC! DOCTOR WHO -- IT'S FOR KIDS!
Hey.... I haven't had a DRINK! in a while! Boo! *Spider chugs beer* Whee!
44) "Silence will fall." Yeah, yeah, we heard you the first time. I'm sure it won't be the last.
45) SHADOW PROCLAMATION! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer* I guess I spoke too soon about that "haven't had a drink" bit. Heh. Whee!
46) "Did he just save the world from aliens and then bring all the aliens back again?" Why yes, Tin Dog! That is exactly what he did! Because he is the Doctor and this is where he starts to KICK ARSE AND TAKE NAMES.
47) Again, he gives not a fig for the owners of all those clothes, just throwing them all over the place. Yes, I know the Doctor loves us, but this is one of those times when we're reminded that he doesn't necessarily RESPECT us. We're just a bunch of apes, you know. ;)
48) HELLO! NEKKID DOCTOR ALERT! DRINK! *Spider chugs beer* Okay, we don't SEE him naked, but just the implication of UNEXPECTED NAKED DOCTOR is worth a drink, if not an entire bottle of champagne. And Amy doesn't seem to disagree in the least! What did I tell you? STRIPPER!
49) "You are not of this world." "No, but I've put a lot of work into it." "Is this world important?" "Important? What's that mean, important? Six billion people live here, is that important? Is this world a threat to the Atraxii?" Marching Nazis, atomic bombs.... but on the other hand, Jesus. Gandhi. "No." "Are the people of this world guilty of any crime by the laws of the Atraxii?" "No." "Is this world protected?" OMG OMG OMG. Cybermen! Daleks! Arachnid queens (nasty ones, not me!)! The thingys with time -- oh and those I don't recognize -- OOD! Um, the things that Martha -- OH! SONTARANS! And -- OMG THEY ARE GOING BY TOO FAST BUT IT'S EVERY VILLAIN EVER! SQUEE! "What you've got to ask is, what happened to them?" OMG OMG OMG IT'S EVERY DOCTOR! EVERY FACE OF THE DOCTOR EVER! EVEN POOR MALIGNED EIGHT! THIS IS SO AWESOME I COULD JUST PLOTZ! AND OMG Eleven just WALKS out of the projection and says, "Hello, I'm the Doctor." SQUEE! OMG OMG! *Brain kittens fall over DED and wake up again and fall over DED again and start throwing confetti and forming a conga line!* "Basically... run." I LOVE MY SHOW!
50) OKAY WHERE DID THE TARDIS KEY COME FROM? It's one thing with the bow tie appearing out of nowhere because even though it wasn't one of the ties around his neck I can handwave that as one of the things Tin Dog was holding and Eleven put it on while the aliens were showing the recap reel, but where did he pull the TARDIS key from if he was wearing new clothes, hmmm?
AND ANOTHER THING: the Atraxii were the aliens who invented 8traxii tapes in the 1970s. TRU FAX!
*ahem* Onward!
51) So, this is the new TARDIS. It's taller than the old one. "Oh, you sexy thing." OH. MY. GODS. THE FANFIC WRITES ITSELF! Doctor/TARDIS -- IT'S FOR KIDS! Or... something... *Spider rolls eyes*
52) LOLZ! He takes off without Amy again! I know I should feel sorry for her -- oh wait she's a little girl again -- oh she's not? Was that in a dream? Is this a dream? No, I guess it isn't. "Other planets, wanna check some out?" "Where?" "Wherever. You. Like." What a slick line of patter this Eleven has, it's like he's chatting her up at a bar! "You wanted to come fourteen years ago." "I grew up." "Don't worry, I'll soon fix that." Peter goddamned Pan.
This is what the Doctor is all about: returning us to the wonder of childhood, when adventure was all around us waiting to be discovered. It's something we lost at the end of the RTD (DIE IN A FIRE!) years. And it's why, no matter how much I joke about it, that we have to remember that Doctor Who IS for kids. Not just the chronological kids for whom Eleven will be their first Doctor, but for us, the ones who are supposed to "outgrow all that", who still -- like Amelia Pond -- make our art and share our stories and no matter how grown-up we look with our business suits or constable's uniforms, still in our hearts wait for the Blue Box to land in our garden. Amelia Pond isn't really a grown up; she's not a constable or a maid or a nurse or a nun, she just play acts them. And let's admit it, just between ourselves: how many times have you seen a streak of blue out of the corner of your eye, or heard something that just might be a groaning rattle, and for one brief moment, hoped and BELIEVED? "Just believe me for 20 minutes." It doesn't even take that long; all it takes is a flash of a moment, and for that one moment, you can FLY.
Er... that was rather a bit more profound than I intended. Sorry. Back to the squee!
53) HELLO NEW TARDIS, YOU BEAUTY! Well, hell! First impression? It looks like the set for a steampunk roadshow of Starlight Express. "Any... passing remarks?" SAY IT! SAY IT! *Spider readies beer* ...... ooorrrrrr ..... not? WELL ALL RIGHTY THEN. The console is AMAZING. So many bits of gorgeous! "What's tomorrow?" "Nothing, just... stuff." Ooookay... NEW SONIC SCREWDRIVER SIGHTING! DRINK! *Spider chugs be-- and spits all over!* TYPEWRITER! HA! Oscilloscope? Do we already have weirdness going on with the TARDIS? SILLY ARACHNID, OF COURSE WE DO! :D
54) "Amy Pond, there is something you'd better understand about me and it's important because one day your life may depend on it: I am DEFINITELY a madman with a box." I LOVE MY DOCTOR.
55) In conclusion: I am SO FUCKING GLAD my show is back! I don't care that the story for this ep seems cobbled together from "The Christmas Invasion", "Girl in the Fireplace" and half a dozen other episodes (with a chaser of "Runaway Bride" at the last moment). It's the feeling of joy and hope that I'm welcoming back. For the first time in a long time, I don't have to worry; there won't be any atomic bombs, genocide, concentration camps, global slavery, gruesome death (except the fun kind!) or gutwrenching emotional manipulation (barring, y'know, peeking at Teh Skeery Monsters from between your fingers). No matter what Threat To The Earth comes a-calling, the Doctor is here and IT IS PROTECTED. Mr Moffat, I love you.
And here's a Plus One for the teaser trailer for the entire new series: OH MY FUCKING GOD THIS IS GOING TO ROCK! And it all starts NEXT WEEK! EVERYBODY WINS FOREVER! \0/