Ask Auntie Kali: How To Speak Up
For reasons that need not be explored at this juncture (tm Benton Fraser), I am instituting an advice column.
Our first question comes from a comment thread on my journal in a previous post. The questioner wishes to remain anonymous in this current post, but has graciously allowed me to quote her in a post on the subject of Speaking Up. Please respect her wishes regarding anonymity.
Questioner commented:
.... where I work I have to listen to these awful conversations about how "fat chicks have lower self-esteems so they're easier to get in bed" and how one of them is only going out with this "ugly girl" cause she has hot friends, and I can't say a damn thing because its my boss. And if I get upset I'm being "over emotional".
I answered:
Speak up. SPEAK UP. Do not get "over emotional". Just say, "I find your comments offensive in the workplace." Go to your boss and complain; you do NOT have to work in a sexually hostile environment. Ask if they have a sexual harassment policy. Speak to your female co-workers and ask them their opinion -- they'll probably say, "oh it's no biggie" because they, too, don't want to appear "over-emotional"... but I bet they're waiting for someone else to SPEAK UP. Be that person. You'll feel like Wonder Woman.
She replied, in part (ellipses mine):
I have talked to my female bosses about it, but short of scheduling me on different jobs than them not much has been done.... People talk about it a lot in the office and there are a lot of people that are unhappy with the way things are... they are allowed to get away with it.... this is just a small group of men in my firm (most of the guys there are really great guys)... The problem is the instigator is at a higher level and can do things to hurt people's career if you piss him off.....
This is the point where I asked if I could post on this subject.
The first thing you have to remember is that you are in the right. This is sexual harassment, and as such it's inappropriate in the workplace. Full stop. No "but", no "maybe". *Especially* if it's being instigated by someone with power over your job.
I'm going to quote from the official sexual harassment policy here at Gattaca (ellipses mine):
Sexual harassment is ... verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature when (1) submission to such conduct is made either explicitly or implicitly a term or condition of an individual’s employment, (2) submission to or rejection of such conduct by an individual is used as the basis for employment decisions affecting such individual, or (3) such conduct has the purpose or effect of unreasonably interfering with an individual’s work performance or creating an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment. Examples of prohibited conduct include .... Abusing a person’s dignity, interfering with a person’s ability to perform his/her job or creating an offensive work environment through insulting or degrading remarks, gestures, propositions, jokes....
Who in your office is in charge of Human Resources? There must be someone. Inform this person. If there isn't anyone officially assigned this duty, take it to the very, very top. You should also speak to the Instigator.
Okay. I can almost see the butterflies in your stomach from here. I know you really don't want to do this. It's scary, and you'd much rather have someone else do it. But you know what? Every other woman in the office is waiting for Someone Else to do it too.
I have made a vocation of being that Someone Else, because Someone Has To. You can be that Someone Else too. Here is how to do it:
(1) recognize that what you're upset about is legitimate. What Instigator is doing is nothing more than marking his territory. He's wagging his dick in public, and he enjoys that both the men and women around him have to suck up to him for fear of their jobs. You are right, he is wrong. Remember that.
(2) recognize that you feel afraid and nervous because, for the first time, you're noticing the bars of your cage. You were born into a prison called the Patriarchy, which is so amorphous, all-pervasive and deeply ingrained into our society that people don't even see it anymore. You are Neo, and you've just dropped the Red Pill. Of course you're afraid.
(3) recognize that you can act despite this fear. This is just stage fright; you'd feel the same way before going onstage and putting yourself in the limelight in any situation. Remember that you are Wonder Woman. Even if you don't feel that way, PRETEND to feel that way. Don't let them see you sweat. Pick some heroine, goddess or role model and channel her. I do suggest you choose a mature role model: examples from my own viewing pleasure include CJ Craig from West Wing, any of the women from Criminal Minds or -- going for the big guns here -- Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica. Can you imagine any of those women allowing sexist behavior in their presence? I THINK NOT. When you speak to your HR person, your Uberboss or the Instigator, every one of those women is standing right behind you, backing you up. Your battle cry is, "WHAT WOULD ROSLIN DO?" ... er, I'm talking about sweetly poisonous Roslin here; I do not suggest you resort to the airlock -- yet. And not only are your role models standing beside you, so is EVERY WOMAN IN YOUR OFFICE. You are their Heroine.
(4) The next time Instigator behaves offensively, Speak Up. Take a deep breath, pull up your big girl panties, and do it. Catch him in the act and say, "Hi. I couldn't help overhearing what you just said. I don't think you realize that what you could be overheard. What just said is really hurtful to the women you work with, including me. It makes me uncomfortable and it's inappropriate. Could you please not talk like that in the office." Notice that the last sentence is not a question. Notice that I'm coating the pill with honey -- this is not sucking up, this is diplomacy. This is Laura Roslin smiling sweetly before she cuts you off at the knees.
He might say, "Oh sorry, I didn't know/wasn't thinking/ whatever."
You smile and say, "That's okay, that's why I spoke up." Three hours (days) (weeks) later, he starts up again, and SO DO YOU.
He might say: "I wasn't talking to (or about) you."
You smile and say, "Yes, but I can hear you, and it's not appropriate for the office."
He might say: "Can't you take a joke?"
You smile and reply, "Can't you make one?"
He might say: "Don't you have a sense of humor?"
You smile and say, "I have a very good sense of humor, which is why I don't find what you say funny in the least."
He might say: "Don't you have work to do?"
You smile and reply, "Don't you?" Yeah, that's a tough one, I know. But do NOT let him intimidate you or brush you off.
He might say: "This is none of your business."
You do NOT smile, and you say, "This is *business*. Your remarks are inappropriate in the workplace. Please save them for somewhere else."
He probably will not say (but may be thinking), "You're fired." Or he may subtly threaten you in some other fashion.
If that happens, smile. You've just won. Turn to whoever he was talking to and say, "You're my witness. I was just fired (threatened) for objecting to sexual harassment in the workplace."
--> Oh, you know what would be even better? If you have one of those little pocket dictation tape recorders? Have one in your pocket, running, when you start to Speak Up. Don't let on about it, though.
Do not walk away. Stand there and look him in the eye. CJ and Laura and anyone else you can imagine are right there with you, so do not fear. This is pure primate behavior. If he looks away, if he turns and walks away, you've won. Be patient. Do not fidget. Wait. Him. Out.
Then, go to HR person or Uberboss. Tell them exactly what happened, calmly and professionally. Use the words Sexual Harassment, which will immediately set off alarms in the brain of any corporate administrator ("OMG she's going to sue us!"). If there's a harassment policy in the office, bring a copy with you and quote chapter and verse. If there isn't, state that there should be. Play your tape at them, but DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES let it out of your hands. (If at all possible, make a copy of it and keep it somewhere safe.)
If all else fails, tender your resignation. Your job isn't worth sacrificing your dignity, your mental health and your self esteem. And if you want, find a feminist lawyer. There are women's lawyers out there CHOMPING AT THE BIT to help you in situations like this.
Do not let them brush you off. Do not let them belittle you, or dismiss you, or tell you you are over-reacting. Your concerns are legitimate, and you are within your rights to do what you're doing.
Feel your heart pounding in your chest? Of course you do -- you've just scaled Everest. You are a Heroine. You are the Goddess.
Please, dear Questioner, let me know how this works. I love you and am standing right beside you. So is every woman who ever lived. You are not alone.
If you have a question for Auntie Kali -- on absolutely any topic at all -- e-mail me at the addy listed on my profile. Please remember that my opinions are entirely my own; I do not presume to speak for anyone else.
Our first question comes from a comment thread on my journal in a previous post. The questioner wishes to remain anonymous in this current post, but has graciously allowed me to quote her in a post on the subject of Speaking Up. Please respect her wishes regarding anonymity.
Questioner commented:
.... where I work I have to listen to these awful conversations about how "fat chicks have lower self-esteems so they're easier to get in bed" and how one of them is only going out with this "ugly girl" cause she has hot friends, and I can't say a damn thing because its my boss. And if I get upset I'm being "over emotional".
I answered:
Speak up. SPEAK UP. Do not get "over emotional". Just say, "I find your comments offensive in the workplace." Go to your boss and complain; you do NOT have to work in a sexually hostile environment. Ask if they have a sexual harassment policy. Speak to your female co-workers and ask them their opinion -- they'll probably say, "oh it's no biggie" because they, too, don't want to appear "over-emotional"... but I bet they're waiting for someone else to SPEAK UP. Be that person. You'll feel like Wonder Woman.
She replied, in part (ellipses mine):
I have talked to my female bosses about it, but short of scheduling me on different jobs than them not much has been done.... People talk about it a lot in the office and there are a lot of people that are unhappy with the way things are... they are allowed to get away with it.... this is just a small group of men in my firm (most of the guys there are really great guys)... The problem is the instigator is at a higher level and can do things to hurt people's career if you piss him off.....
This is the point where I asked if I could post on this subject.
The first thing you have to remember is that you are in the right. This is sexual harassment, and as such it's inappropriate in the workplace. Full stop. No "but", no "maybe". *Especially* if it's being instigated by someone with power over your job.
I'm going to quote from the official sexual harassment policy here at Gattaca (ellipses mine):
Sexual harassment is ... verbal or physical conduct of a sexual nature when (1) submission to such conduct is made either explicitly or implicitly a term or condition of an individual’s employment, (2) submission to or rejection of such conduct by an individual is used as the basis for employment decisions affecting such individual, or (3) such conduct has the purpose or effect of unreasonably interfering with an individual’s work performance or creating an intimidating, hostile or offensive work environment. Examples of prohibited conduct include .... Abusing a person’s dignity, interfering with a person’s ability to perform his/her job or creating an offensive work environment through insulting or degrading remarks, gestures, propositions, jokes....
Who in your office is in charge of Human Resources? There must be someone. Inform this person. If there isn't anyone officially assigned this duty, take it to the very, very top. You should also speak to the Instigator.
Okay. I can almost see the butterflies in your stomach from here. I know you really don't want to do this. It's scary, and you'd much rather have someone else do it. But you know what? Every other woman in the office is waiting for Someone Else to do it too.
I have made a vocation of being that Someone Else, because Someone Has To. You can be that Someone Else too. Here is how to do it:
(1) recognize that what you're upset about is legitimate. What Instigator is doing is nothing more than marking his territory. He's wagging his dick in public, and he enjoys that both the men and women around him have to suck up to him for fear of their jobs. You are right, he is wrong. Remember that.
(2) recognize that you feel afraid and nervous because, for the first time, you're noticing the bars of your cage. You were born into a prison called the Patriarchy, which is so amorphous, all-pervasive and deeply ingrained into our society that people don't even see it anymore. You are Neo, and you've just dropped the Red Pill. Of course you're afraid.
(3) recognize that you can act despite this fear. This is just stage fright; you'd feel the same way before going onstage and putting yourself in the limelight in any situation. Remember that you are Wonder Woman. Even if you don't feel that way, PRETEND to feel that way. Don't let them see you sweat. Pick some heroine, goddess or role model and channel her. I do suggest you choose a mature role model: examples from my own viewing pleasure include CJ Craig from West Wing, any of the women from Criminal Minds or -- going for the big guns here -- Laura Roslin from Battlestar Galactica. Can you imagine any of those women allowing sexist behavior in their presence? I THINK NOT. When you speak to your HR person, your Uberboss or the Instigator, every one of those women is standing right behind you, backing you up. Your battle cry is, "WHAT WOULD ROSLIN DO?" ... er, I'm talking about sweetly poisonous Roslin here; I do not suggest you resort to the airlock -- yet. And not only are your role models standing beside you, so is EVERY WOMAN IN YOUR OFFICE. You are their Heroine.
(4) The next time Instigator behaves offensively, Speak Up. Take a deep breath, pull up your big girl panties, and do it. Catch him in the act and say, "Hi. I couldn't help overhearing what you just said. I don't think you realize that what you could be overheard. What just said is really hurtful to the women you work with, including me. It makes me uncomfortable and it's inappropriate. Could you please not talk like that in the office." Notice that the last sentence is not a question. Notice that I'm coating the pill with honey -- this is not sucking up, this is diplomacy. This is Laura Roslin smiling sweetly before she cuts you off at the knees.
He might say, "Oh sorry, I didn't know/wasn't thinking/ whatever."
You smile and say, "That's okay, that's why I spoke up." Three hours (days) (weeks) later, he starts up again, and SO DO YOU.
He might say: "I wasn't talking to (or about) you."
You smile and say, "Yes, but I can hear you, and it's not appropriate for the office."
He might say: "Can't you take a joke?"
You smile and reply, "Can't you make one?"
He might say: "Don't you have a sense of humor?"
You smile and say, "I have a very good sense of humor, which is why I don't find what you say funny in the least."
He might say: "Don't you have work to do?"
You smile and reply, "Don't you?" Yeah, that's a tough one, I know. But do NOT let him intimidate you or brush you off.
He might say: "This is none of your business."
You do NOT smile, and you say, "This is *business*. Your remarks are inappropriate in the workplace. Please save them for somewhere else."
He probably will not say (but may be thinking), "You're fired." Or he may subtly threaten you in some other fashion.
If that happens, smile. You've just won. Turn to whoever he was talking to and say, "You're my witness. I was just fired (threatened) for objecting to sexual harassment in the workplace."
--> Oh, you know what would be even better? If you have one of those little pocket dictation tape recorders? Have one in your pocket, running, when you start to Speak Up. Don't let on about it, though.
Do not walk away. Stand there and look him in the eye. CJ and Laura and anyone else you can imagine are right there with you, so do not fear. This is pure primate behavior. If he looks away, if he turns and walks away, you've won. Be patient. Do not fidget. Wait. Him. Out.
Then, go to HR person or Uberboss. Tell them exactly what happened, calmly and professionally. Use the words Sexual Harassment, which will immediately set off alarms in the brain of any corporate administrator ("OMG she's going to sue us!"). If there's a harassment policy in the office, bring a copy with you and quote chapter and verse. If there isn't, state that there should be. Play your tape at them, but DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES let it out of your hands. (If at all possible, make a copy of it and keep it somewhere safe.)
If all else fails, tender your resignation. Your job isn't worth sacrificing your dignity, your mental health and your self esteem. And if you want, find a feminist lawyer. There are women's lawyers out there CHOMPING AT THE BIT to help you in situations like this.
Do not let them brush you off. Do not let them belittle you, or dismiss you, or tell you you are over-reacting. Your concerns are legitimate, and you are within your rights to do what you're doing.
Feel your heart pounding in your chest? Of course you do -- you've just scaled Everest. You are a Heroine. You are the Goddess.
Please, dear Questioner, let me know how this works. I love you and am standing right beside you. So is every woman who ever lived. You are not alone.
If you have a question for Auntie Kali -- on absolutely any topic at all -- e-mail me at the addy listed on my profile. Please remember that my opinions are entirely my own; I do not presume to speak for anyone else.