Ekks.. old shit I never posted and found on my pc
April 04 2007
2:59 AM ... April 04, 2007
How's that for a nice opening...
Ah the joys of thought related insomnia... I find myself here in my room. My messy room which has never been fully clean all at once since we moved.
I'm not known for my clean room really. It's always been a mess. I spoke to my therapist about it. I told her I though it was supposed to be telling me something. I think it's never being clean is because I never really deal with my problems. I put them aside. I fold them nicely.. And every once in a while I like to stick them in a bag andd chuck them in the back of my closet.
She seemed impressed by my observation.. She says I have potential. She says from last yr to now is night and day for me.
Lately I think she's wrong.
Yes, I've improved. No, I'm not fixed yet.
I'm in repair.
I'm not putting myself down, or being depressed. In fact I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of what I've learned to realize.
In the last yr I let go of a lot of things. I finally understood why my family couldn't stay together. I don't think things were handled as well as they could have been. But I did learn a lot about my parents. How talking to my dad sometimes can feel like running into a brick wall... again... and again... and again.
And just how much attention my mother doesn't pay to what people say to her. She too worried about what people will think on the outside.
Today I realized something.
I realized that I'm not the asshole. I voice how I feel because keeping it in in the past only got me hurt. I see that letting it out gets me hurt too... But at least I'm honest with myself. I'm blunt, because sugar coating only gives you cavities.
Sweet... but full of shit. Not me.
I also realized what it is I truely want out of life.
People think, what do I want.. what do I want...
I want a good job, and lots of money, and a nice family. Maybe some kids?
Sure that's well and nice. For them. Money is good to have, but not what I really want. A HUMMER? Suuuure, truck of my dreams. But not what I reaaalllly want.
Say what you want about this. I don't give a fuck anyone. It's what I want... and frankly I could give a fuck if you think it's realistic, or logical... or even possible.
I want comfort. I want love. I want myself back. My self-confidence that people shat all over for the first 18 years of my life.
Everytime someone said I couldn't do it. Everytime someone told me to dream up something else. Everytime someone told me love doesn't last. And no matter what relationship's will end. I refuse to listen. I WANT to work through something. It'll just have to be with the right person. Some one who can be my equal, and my opposite. But be his own person. Someone who can tell me not to stress, without getting upset that I am stressing. Someone to just hold me and not talk. Someone who'll take a weekend to go out with the guys, and let me and my friends go out. But doesn't mind being with my friends and my family. Because they mean the world to me. And if he can't love my friends, then I don't know if I can do it. I'll never put someone before my brothers, my family, and my friends. Never again, anyways. Someone who'll love me for me. Let me wear what I like, and not be embarassed to take me out when I look like abstract road kill, and my hair isn't brushed. Someone who'll let me go out barefoot and in my pjs, just cuz it makes me smile. Someone who tells me I'm beautiful. Not hot, not "hey baby nice tits".. no "I'm up for a little fun".. No no they can all blow me. I want this legit shit. I'm not scared anymore. I'm gonna trust my heart. I don't want to depend on anyone, and I don't want anyone to depend on me. I want us to trust eachother, and support eachother.
It has to just... work. And I think he's out there. Sometimes he seems really close. But I try to protect myself, and I run.
Oddly when I don't run, it lets me down. I know it happens for a reason... but sometimes it's exhausting.
I think, am I getting too excited? Will I set myself up to get hurt again? I play so many scenes in my head that I wear out the relationship before it even starts. There's very... very... veeeeery few people I've ever made it past that point with. That point of worrying till I wear it out. Crushes that have lasted... Since I left high school and really started trying to find what I wanted... they might have been 2 or 3.
And none of them were interested for a new and special reason.
It's always the same excuses too. I'm no good for you, We wouldnt work. I don't want a girlfriend. So on and so forth. Everyone seems amazed that I'm single... But then when I like a person they don't wanna hear it. Dan says I'm just picky. You know what... maybe I am.
I just know what I want. And I know it's out there. I've seen it. It just isn't interested....
I know I let go of some things though. And I did let go of my bad relationships. One in particular. The others were mediocre more than bad. Things just didn't work. I let go of peoples expectations of me. I let go of putting other peoples happiness first. I let go of all the harsh words, and the violence...
I built a wall... It's supposed to keep me safe... But it's really just keeping me down. Survival or bliss?
I mentioned that to my therapist too. I said it was like running into a brick wall, and not knowing how to get past it. It was like I did all I can do. And the rest is going to be really hard work. She said there's some things she knew I needed to deal with. Some big things. She had tried to bring it up a few times before, but I'd always found it really hard to talk about. I'd get upset, or defensive. And I'd tell her straight up that I didnt wanna hear it. I always found a way out of it.
So finally I said... next week. And later cancelled my apointment.
I've never been able to really talk about some things in my life. Shit I can bearly admit them to myself.
Love is a terribly painful thing. It just drives into you... and it twists.
It's all I ever dreamed of finding ... the rest is a bonus. My family went to shit before I got to understand what a family should have been. And it should never be a 5 year olds job to hold and comfort her crying mother while her dad walks out the door. But some of us had to grow up a lot faster then our friends. I'm not alone. I know that.
All I ever wanted was love. THE love. Not "oh we have things in common, and steady jobs... we think it would be an investment in our relationship if we started a family"
I wanted IT! And everyone told me it wouldn't happen. The one person who promised me forever is one of the people who've hurt me the most. And now, when I thought my and what's left of my family might be able to finally bond. We're being pulled apart. I'm supposed to feel like the jerk for expressing myself. Because in this house we act irrationally. Speaking isn't tolerated... Recklessness, random exploasions of yelling and insulting. Threats. Trying to have your girlfriends daughter thrown out. That's all tolerated, but a dirty cup, and putting my clothes in the dryer. Nope. Don't it it! It'll be World War III.
It's sad when that's what people have come down to. So piled in their own filth they try to cover it up by being clean. Nice and materialistic.
Ani DiFranco said it best. " I think we should all just come clean and relax "
I'm starting to get sleepie. But I know I won't fall asleep
I have one thing looping through my mind. "Is this what I think it is?" and you wanna tell me "you worry too much, mel"
It's just become hard to tell I guess.
I'm gonna lie down. This whole rant was useless... I don't even know if it made sence
have a good one people
-x0-
Melissa Josephine
----------------------------------------------------------
lmao ok this one's kinda odd....
April 23 2007
11:12 am April 23, 2007
I start my first day at Limite today! I'm worried I won't be dressed to par. But Whatever I'll go with the flow. So far I'd say I look damn cute! lol.
I'm pmsing. I know this cuz of the thoughts coming into my head, the urge to break down and lose control of my sanity. And the bloating and constant need to potty lol. The fun signs of premenstruation! I'm kinda relieved that Phil isn't around for this. It can be a pain to deal with. But at the same time his not being around is flooding my head with worried thoughts. And questions about how he really feels about us. But I learned from experience that acting on those worries is what ruins relationships! So I'm thinking rationally. It's only a week. I spoke to him this week, inface I spoke to him friday. I know how fast feelings can be swayed, but Phil isn't the typical guy. And you know what I'm learning to deal with my paranoid feelings right now, which will help us oput big time!
I kinda wanna call Anselmo and see what he said yesterday.. But I don't wanna be one of those girls. So I won't.
I'll call him tonight after work and see how he is. Maybe he'll call me... I kinda wish he would I'd make me feel better.
Why does caring about something or someone make the situation so much harder! I mean, I cared about Phil before, but he didn't care about me, and I was ok with that! And now that he does seem to care about me, I'm worried. If he were to stop, then it'd just be the same way it was all these yrs. Awkward, but tempting. Nothing will have changed! And if I could have delt with it then, I can definatly deal with it now, right?
Hmm...
I don't wanna think about it that way tho. I guess it's like Chris said yesterday, It's so much easier to stop caring, but is it really better for you? No, it's not. But you get hurt less.... But at the same time, how can you grow is you never get wounded. You mistakes and pains are your greatest lessons.
I gotta shower. I should stop thinking for a while, It'll be in my best interest to just enjoy my first day of work, and keep my personal life aside for the six and a half hours I'll be there...
Then I'm gonna see Hana! If she hasn't made other plans.
My tubs full
-x0-
MellieJ
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Jan 16, 08
Is it a sign?
Should I just go to sleep...
My gosh. What kind of mirror is this. How much closer am I to wanting to die, to hating, or loving myself.
I'm exhausted... Being with him makes me realize why I can't ever be in a relationship. Why I push away every guy I'm with. And then I stand there saying "WHY DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS WHO I AM?" Am I any better? Am I not understanding who he is? Do I care enough to try and understand? And at that point... Does he care enough to try and understand what I feel? I know he understands, but, once again I stand here being the only one giving up a part of myself. Or am I finding a part of myself? The mourning part of growing is always the hardest part of self discovery, I find anyways.... My ego's fighting this. But a part of me tells me that it's alright. That this is the way it's supposed to be.
I felt the energy around them. I can handle the cuddles, the kisses, the sex. But that energy was what hurt. The feeling of him caring about someone more than me did it. I would have rathered just been his friend and never let myself get attached. I could break free of it still, but I don't want to.
I ask and ask and ask for what I want. I try... And then I get it, and I realize more and more what an irrational shit I am.
I shouldn't beat myself up over this. I just don't want to talk anymore. I hate words. The uselessness of them. When I can feel the truth around me, are words really worth it. Do they really explain what we're really trying to say?
Do we actually mean what we're saying?
Do we even KNOW what we're saying?
I can't torture myself anymore. I need sleep.
I need answers...
2:59 AM ... April 04, 2007
How's that for a nice opening...
Ah the joys of thought related insomnia... I find myself here in my room. My messy room which has never been fully clean all at once since we moved.
I'm not known for my clean room really. It's always been a mess. I spoke to my therapist about it. I told her I though it was supposed to be telling me something. I think it's never being clean is because I never really deal with my problems. I put them aside. I fold them nicely.. And every once in a while I like to stick them in a bag andd chuck them in the back of my closet.
She seemed impressed by my observation.. She says I have potential. She says from last yr to now is night and day for me.
Lately I think she's wrong.
Yes, I've improved. No, I'm not fixed yet.
I'm in repair.
I'm not putting myself down, or being depressed. In fact I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of what I've learned to realize.
In the last yr I let go of a lot of things. I finally understood why my family couldn't stay together. I don't think things were handled as well as they could have been. But I did learn a lot about my parents. How talking to my dad sometimes can feel like running into a brick wall... again... and again... and again.
And just how much attention my mother doesn't pay to what people say to her. She too worried about what people will think on the outside.
Today I realized something.
I realized that I'm not the asshole. I voice how I feel because keeping it in in the past only got me hurt. I see that letting it out gets me hurt too... But at least I'm honest with myself. I'm blunt, because sugar coating only gives you cavities.
Sweet... but full of shit. Not me.
I also realized what it is I truely want out of life.
People think, what do I want.. what do I want...
I want a good job, and lots of money, and a nice family. Maybe some kids?
Sure that's well and nice. For them. Money is good to have, but not what I really want. A HUMMER? Suuuure, truck of my dreams. But not what I reaaalllly want.
Say what you want about this. I don't give a fuck anyone. It's what I want... and frankly I could give a fuck if you think it's realistic, or logical... or even possible.
I want comfort. I want love. I want myself back. My self-confidence that people shat all over for the first 18 years of my life.
Everytime someone said I couldn't do it. Everytime someone told me to dream up something else. Everytime someone told me love doesn't last. And no matter what relationship's will end. I refuse to listen. I WANT to work through something. It'll just have to be with the right person. Some one who can be my equal, and my opposite. But be his own person. Someone who can tell me not to stress, without getting upset that I am stressing. Someone to just hold me and not talk. Someone who'll take a weekend to go out with the guys, and let me and my friends go out. But doesn't mind being with my friends and my family. Because they mean the world to me. And if he can't love my friends, then I don't know if I can do it. I'll never put someone before my brothers, my family, and my friends. Never again, anyways. Someone who'll love me for me. Let me wear what I like, and not be embarassed to take me out when I look like abstract road kill, and my hair isn't brushed. Someone who'll let me go out barefoot and in my pjs, just cuz it makes me smile. Someone who tells me I'm beautiful. Not hot, not "hey baby nice tits".. no "I'm up for a little fun".. No no they can all blow me. I want this legit shit. I'm not scared anymore. I'm gonna trust my heart. I don't want to depend on anyone, and I don't want anyone to depend on me. I want us to trust eachother, and support eachother.
It has to just... work. And I think he's out there. Sometimes he seems really close. But I try to protect myself, and I run.
Oddly when I don't run, it lets me down. I know it happens for a reason... but sometimes it's exhausting.
I think, am I getting too excited? Will I set myself up to get hurt again? I play so many scenes in my head that I wear out the relationship before it even starts. There's very... very... veeeeery few people I've ever made it past that point with. That point of worrying till I wear it out. Crushes that have lasted... Since I left high school and really started trying to find what I wanted... they might have been 2 or 3.
And none of them were interested for a new and special reason.
It's always the same excuses too. I'm no good for you, We wouldnt work. I don't want a girlfriend. So on and so forth. Everyone seems amazed that I'm single... But then when I like a person they don't wanna hear it. Dan says I'm just picky. You know what... maybe I am.
I just know what I want. And I know it's out there. I've seen it. It just isn't interested....
I know I let go of some things though. And I did let go of my bad relationships. One in particular. The others were mediocre more than bad. Things just didn't work. I let go of peoples expectations of me. I let go of putting other peoples happiness first. I let go of all the harsh words, and the violence...
I built a wall... It's supposed to keep me safe... But it's really just keeping me down. Survival or bliss?
I mentioned that to my therapist too. I said it was like running into a brick wall, and not knowing how to get past it. It was like I did all I can do. And the rest is going to be really hard work. She said there's some things she knew I needed to deal with. Some big things. She had tried to bring it up a few times before, but I'd always found it really hard to talk about. I'd get upset, or defensive. And I'd tell her straight up that I didnt wanna hear it. I always found a way out of it.
So finally I said... next week. And later cancelled my apointment.
I've never been able to really talk about some things in my life. Shit I can bearly admit them to myself.
Love is a terribly painful thing. It just drives into you... and it twists.
It's all I ever dreamed of finding ... the rest is a bonus. My family went to shit before I got to understand what a family should have been. And it should never be a 5 year olds job to hold and comfort her crying mother while her dad walks out the door. But some of us had to grow up a lot faster then our friends. I'm not alone. I know that.
All I ever wanted was love. THE love. Not "oh we have things in common, and steady jobs... we think it would be an investment in our relationship if we started a family"
I wanted IT! And everyone told me it wouldn't happen. The one person who promised me forever is one of the people who've hurt me the most. And now, when I thought my and what's left of my family might be able to finally bond. We're being pulled apart. I'm supposed to feel like the jerk for expressing myself. Because in this house we act irrationally. Speaking isn't tolerated... Recklessness, random exploasions of yelling and insulting. Threats. Trying to have your girlfriends daughter thrown out. That's all tolerated, but a dirty cup, and putting my clothes in the dryer. Nope. Don't it it! It'll be World War III.
It's sad when that's what people have come down to. So piled in their own filth they try to cover it up by being clean. Nice and materialistic.
Ani DiFranco said it best. " I think we should all just come clean and relax "
I'm starting to get sleepie. But I know I won't fall asleep
I have one thing looping through my mind. "Is this what I think it is?" and you wanna tell me "you worry too much, mel"
It's just become hard to tell I guess.
I'm gonna lie down. This whole rant was useless... I don't even know if it made sence
have a good one people
-x0-
Melissa Josephine
----------------------------------------------------------
lmao ok this one's kinda odd....
April 23 2007
11:12 am April 23, 2007
I start my first day at Limite today! I'm worried I won't be dressed to par. But Whatever I'll go with the flow. So far I'd say I look damn cute! lol.
I'm pmsing. I know this cuz of the thoughts coming into my head, the urge to break down and lose control of my sanity. And the bloating and constant need to potty lol. The fun signs of premenstruation! I'm kinda relieved that Phil isn't around for this. It can be a pain to deal with. But at the same time his not being around is flooding my head with worried thoughts. And questions about how he really feels about us. But I learned from experience that acting on those worries is what ruins relationships! So I'm thinking rationally. It's only a week. I spoke to him this week, inface I spoke to him friday. I know how fast feelings can be swayed, but Phil isn't the typical guy. And you know what I'm learning to deal with my paranoid feelings right now, which will help us oput big time!
I kinda wanna call Anselmo and see what he said yesterday.. But I don't wanna be one of those girls. So I won't.
I'll call him tonight after work and see how he is. Maybe he'll call me... I kinda wish he would I'd make me feel better.
Why does caring about something or someone make the situation so much harder! I mean, I cared about Phil before, but he didn't care about me, and I was ok with that! And now that he does seem to care about me, I'm worried. If he were to stop, then it'd just be the same way it was all these yrs. Awkward, but tempting. Nothing will have changed! And if I could have delt with it then, I can definatly deal with it now, right?
Hmm...
I don't wanna think about it that way tho. I guess it's like Chris said yesterday, It's so much easier to stop caring, but is it really better for you? No, it's not. But you get hurt less.... But at the same time, how can you grow is you never get wounded. You mistakes and pains are your greatest lessons.
I gotta shower. I should stop thinking for a while, It'll be in my best interest to just enjoy my first day of work, and keep my personal life aside for the six and a half hours I'll be there...
Then I'm gonna see Hana! If she hasn't made other plans.
My tubs full
-x0-
MellieJ
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Jan 16, 08
Is it a sign?
Should I just go to sleep...
My gosh. What kind of mirror is this. How much closer am I to wanting to die, to hating, or loving myself.
I'm exhausted... Being with him makes me realize why I can't ever be in a relationship. Why I push away every guy I'm with. And then I stand there saying "WHY DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS WHO I AM?" Am I any better? Am I not understanding who he is? Do I care enough to try and understand? And at that point... Does he care enough to try and understand what I feel? I know he understands, but, once again I stand here being the only one giving up a part of myself. Or am I finding a part of myself? The mourning part of growing is always the hardest part of self discovery, I find anyways.... My ego's fighting this. But a part of me tells me that it's alright. That this is the way it's supposed to be.
I felt the energy around them. I can handle the cuddles, the kisses, the sex. But that energy was what hurt. The feeling of him caring about someone more than me did it. I would have rathered just been his friend and never let myself get attached. I could break free of it still, but I don't want to.
I ask and ask and ask for what I want. I try... And then I get it, and I realize more and more what an irrational shit I am.
I shouldn't beat myself up over this. I just don't want to talk anymore. I hate words. The uselessness of them. When I can feel the truth around me, are words really worth it. Do they really explain what we're really trying to say?
Do we actually mean what we're saying?
Do we even KNOW what we're saying?
I can't torture myself anymore. I need sleep.
I need answers...