Shit. Fuck. God Damn.
I never would have chosen Adam. What does that mean? It means that if things had just stopped Friday night with scrabble, things would have been great. I would rather have been Adam’s friend. things would have been fine. They would have been great. Adam could have just been another Peter, Scott, Maxwell, or someone’s random roommate. I didn’t want to date Adam.
Gina was right. I’m a tease. I want to be wanted. But I don’t actually want. That makes me feel so dirty. I’m the siren. I sing out songs to the sailors, but don’t actually want them to come join me on the rocks. I don’t even want them to jump. Adam was the fucking sailor who jumped. And that’s where I crossed the line. I made Adam think that I actually wanted him. And now I’m in to deep. I’m stuck in the mud. Up to my elbows in mud. Adam is now the boy I kiss goodnight. The boy who puts his arms around me. The person I have to eat every meal with, and go to every event with. I stepped over the line when I kissed him at the foam dance. I thought it was all in good fun. Just one of those things you do in college. Kiss a random boy at a foam dance. I even said Sunday that I would rather it be a one night thing. An “oops! I kissed a boy”, rather than anything else. I wouldn’t have minded sacrifice Adam to the awkward moments in the cafeteria epidemic. And then things got way out of hand. I picked a bad random boy. The girls on the third floor started muttering. The girls on the first floor started muttering. I started muttering out loud. Muttering out loud makes me dim witted. Having never been in this situation before I didn’t know how to proceed. I liked having Adam on a string. (a personal trait that now makes me sick). I just didn’t realize that I was tying that string to my own wrist. And in so doing, tying myself to Adam. I tested the waters during the week. I’d text him, and go talk to him in his room. And I must admit I felt a lot of pressure. But I’m not exactly sure from whom. Everyone I guess, even from myself. I was asked so many times what my decision was, that I couldn’t make a decision. Fuck. I was still testing the waters Friday. I didn’t really want to go out WITH Adam. I just wanted to go out. But I’d already stepped over the line, and by the end of the night I couldn’t even see the line. I couldn’t see the fucking continent where the line was. I’m just not the kind of girl that wants a boy waiting outside her door while she gets ready. I wanted to go to the 80s dance with my friends. My friends who are girls. And instead I ended up sitting with Adam kissing o the steps of the Alumni Gym. And saying good bye to Erik Born.
Now I just have to figure out if I want to pull the plug and go running back to the line and stay there hanging on for dear life. Or if being with Adam just ensures I wont cross that line again. But being with Adam has its own set of lines. And I’ve passed them all too. I’d really just like a week to think this over and let things be chill. Be with Adam a week, and see what happens. With a little less kissing please.
Gina was right. I’m a tease. I want to be wanted. But I don’t actually want. That makes me feel so dirty. I’m the siren. I sing out songs to the sailors, but don’t actually want them to come join me on the rocks. I don’t even want them to jump. Adam was the fucking sailor who jumped. And that’s where I crossed the line. I made Adam think that I actually wanted him. And now I’m in to deep. I’m stuck in the mud. Up to my elbows in mud. Adam is now the boy I kiss goodnight. The boy who puts his arms around me. The person I have to eat every meal with, and go to every event with. I stepped over the line when I kissed him at the foam dance. I thought it was all in good fun. Just one of those things you do in college. Kiss a random boy at a foam dance. I even said Sunday that I would rather it be a one night thing. An “oops! I kissed a boy”, rather than anything else. I wouldn’t have minded sacrifice Adam to the awkward moments in the cafeteria epidemic. And then things got way out of hand. I picked a bad random boy. The girls on the third floor started muttering. The girls on the first floor started muttering. I started muttering out loud. Muttering out loud makes me dim witted. Having never been in this situation before I didn’t know how to proceed. I liked having Adam on a string. (a personal trait that now makes me sick). I just didn’t realize that I was tying that string to my own wrist. And in so doing, tying myself to Adam. I tested the waters during the week. I’d text him, and go talk to him in his room. And I must admit I felt a lot of pressure. But I’m not exactly sure from whom. Everyone I guess, even from myself. I was asked so many times what my decision was, that I couldn’t make a decision. Fuck. I was still testing the waters Friday. I didn’t really want to go out WITH Adam. I just wanted to go out. But I’d already stepped over the line, and by the end of the night I couldn’t even see the line. I couldn’t see the fucking continent where the line was. I’m just not the kind of girl that wants a boy waiting outside her door while she gets ready. I wanted to go to the 80s dance with my friends. My friends who are girls. And instead I ended up sitting with Adam kissing o the steps of the Alumni Gym. And saying good bye to Erik Born.
Now I just have to figure out if I want to pull the plug and go running back to the line and stay there hanging on for dear life. Or if being with Adam just ensures I wont cross that line again. But being with Adam has its own set of lines. And I’ve passed them all too. I’d really just like a week to think this over and let things be chill. Be with Adam a week, and see what happens. With a little less kissing please.