This is what happens after a 2-hour Grey's episode.
I have lots of thoughts swirling around in my head and I don't really know where to begin. I guess I haven't been on this in so long, I've forgotten how to format my entry correctly. Oh well, I'm sure it'll come back to me...
I watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy today. Fuck anyone who doesn't like that show, it's not about the "show" itself, it's about the concepts. The things they bring up, the questions they ask. Messes with my brain every time. One of the only things that can make me cry on a consistent basis, for that reason. Especially thinking about death. There's so much death on that show. People ripped from the ones they love as soon as things were just starting to look better. Heroes die and villians live. And there's always so much left to be said, so much left undone. It scares me. It makes me think of my own life in that way... like it could end in an instant. Like someone close to me could be gone just like that. No do-overs, no going back and getting closure, no finishing what you started, no starting anything you should have a long time ago. I try to live my life by the whole "carpe diem" rule... but that proves to be very difficult with the people surrounding me. When the things I want to "seize" are other people, things get more complicated. You can't really live your life to the fullest and do everything you've dreamed when other people get involved. You have to consider them, their emotions, their thoughts, what they want to "seize" throughout their day. This causes issues. I've always tried to be upfront and honest with people. It usually bites me in the ass. I tell people what I'm thinking and feeling, as a courtesy, to keep them in the know (it's what I WISH people would do for me)... and usually I get shit for it. But should I not tell people these things? Should I just keep it inside and then regret it immensley later on when I don't have the chance to tell them, to do something? When I do what I think is right, I fight with friends for stupid reasons, I cry, people start to think I'm crazy. Like not "Oh girl, you so crazy!" crazy, like "You need to get help" crazy. Perfect.
Not that my mother doesn't already feel that way. I sleep too much. I don't get out enough. I have too much stuff. I pick at my face. I'm gaining weight again. I'm OBVIOUSLY depressed... "and you're saying I don't need to worry about you??" Thanks. That's really what I want all throughout my two weeks of summer "vacation." And people wonder why I wait until the last day, the last MINUTE, to move out of the dorm? Don't get me wrong, I owe her a lot. But come onnnn. STOP already! Leave. Me. Alone. You're not helping, you're hurting.
I wish people saw the good in me. I wish people looked past things like I do and ever thought I was worth a shot. I can look at a guy and see past all his bullshit. Behind the questions, and the stories, and the bravado, and the pot, and the "show," I see a boy. I see a boy who has been hurt and wants to please and wants to, NEEDS to, be validated by someone else because he himself feels worthless even though he has so much to offer. Behind all the weird texts, and the ignoring, and the alcohol, and the constant behavior changes, and self-conciousness, I see a boy. I see a boy who is scared and alone and has been hurt and has a big heart but doesn't remember how to open it to someone else. I see someone who is tall, and strong, and handsome, and has sadness in his eyes, those beautiful eyes that are dying to sparkle again. Behind all of the mean comments, the shrugging off, the lack of communication, I see a boy. I see a boy who is funny and attractive and knows where he wants to go with his life and is on his way there. I see a boy who is driven and nice and caring. Behind all of the walls, I see a boy. I see a boy who has had a ridiculous childhood, and has middle child syndrome to the tenth degree, and wants to make something of himself, and IS something already. I get thrown all these curveballs and these mysteries and these riddles and I see through it all. I see potential in them all, so I deal with the bullshit; LOTS of bullshit. I take it because I see potential, and I believe in them, and want to trust them, want to give them the benefit of the doubt. And what do I get for it?? Nothing. Scratch that, I get more bullshit. I want to shake these guys and tell them to get over themselves because I'm not falling for their charades! I can see past it, but no one can see anything in me. In these shows there is always one who's so in love with the other, sees so much in the other, can't BREATHE without the other... I don't think anyone's ever felt that way about me. I care SO MUCH about the people I'm close to, I would do so much for so many people... and I constantly find out that less and less of these people are really what they seemed. I give guy after guy after guy after guy what they want, because I want them to be happy. I want them to have just a moment of release, of bliss. And at the time, I'm distracted. And then they leave. They always leave. And then I'm left alone again, back to where I started, stuck in a situation I was attempting to avoid by giving them what they wanted... and of course getting nothing in return. I need to stop. But I can't. It's like I'm stuck on repeat. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. ...so maybe I really I am crazy. Maybe I do need help. I'm reaching out, I'm grasping wildly, and I'm getting nothing. I'm just falling. And I'm scared to find out what happens when I hit bottom.
I watched the season finale of Grey's Anatomy today. Fuck anyone who doesn't like that show, it's not about the "show" itself, it's about the concepts. The things they bring up, the questions they ask. Messes with my brain every time. One of the only things that can make me cry on a consistent basis, for that reason. Especially thinking about death. There's so much death on that show. People ripped from the ones they love as soon as things were just starting to look better. Heroes die and villians live. And there's always so much left to be said, so much left undone. It scares me. It makes me think of my own life in that way... like it could end in an instant. Like someone close to me could be gone just like that. No do-overs, no going back and getting closure, no finishing what you started, no starting anything you should have a long time ago. I try to live my life by the whole "carpe diem" rule... but that proves to be very difficult with the people surrounding me. When the things I want to "seize" are other people, things get more complicated. You can't really live your life to the fullest and do everything you've dreamed when other people get involved. You have to consider them, their emotions, their thoughts, what they want to "seize" throughout their day. This causes issues. I've always tried to be upfront and honest with people. It usually bites me in the ass. I tell people what I'm thinking and feeling, as a courtesy, to keep them in the know (it's what I WISH people would do for me)... and usually I get shit for it. But should I not tell people these things? Should I just keep it inside and then regret it immensley later on when I don't have the chance to tell them, to do something? When I do what I think is right, I fight with friends for stupid reasons, I cry, people start to think I'm crazy. Like not "Oh girl, you so crazy!" crazy, like "You need to get help" crazy. Perfect.
Not that my mother doesn't already feel that way. I sleep too much. I don't get out enough. I have too much stuff. I pick at my face. I'm gaining weight again. I'm OBVIOUSLY depressed... "and you're saying I don't need to worry about you??" Thanks. That's really what I want all throughout my two weeks of summer "vacation." And people wonder why I wait until the last day, the last MINUTE, to move out of the dorm? Don't get me wrong, I owe her a lot. But come onnnn. STOP already! Leave. Me. Alone. You're not helping, you're hurting.
I wish people saw the good in me. I wish people looked past things like I do and ever thought I was worth a shot. I can look at a guy and see past all his bullshit. Behind the questions, and the stories, and the bravado, and the pot, and the "show," I see a boy. I see a boy who has been hurt and wants to please and wants to, NEEDS to, be validated by someone else because he himself feels worthless even though he has so much to offer. Behind all the weird texts, and the ignoring, and the alcohol, and the constant behavior changes, and self-conciousness, I see a boy. I see a boy who is scared and alone and has been hurt and has a big heart but doesn't remember how to open it to someone else. I see someone who is tall, and strong, and handsome, and has sadness in his eyes, those beautiful eyes that are dying to sparkle again. Behind all of the mean comments, the shrugging off, the lack of communication, I see a boy. I see a boy who is funny and attractive and knows where he wants to go with his life and is on his way there. I see a boy who is driven and nice and caring. Behind all of the walls, I see a boy. I see a boy who has had a ridiculous childhood, and has middle child syndrome to the tenth degree, and wants to make something of himself, and IS something already. I get thrown all these curveballs and these mysteries and these riddles and I see through it all. I see potential in them all, so I deal with the bullshit; LOTS of bullshit. I take it because I see potential, and I believe in them, and want to trust them, want to give them the benefit of the doubt. And what do I get for it?? Nothing. Scratch that, I get more bullshit. I want to shake these guys and tell them to get over themselves because I'm not falling for their charades! I can see past it, but no one can see anything in me. In these shows there is always one who's so in love with the other, sees so much in the other, can't BREATHE without the other... I don't think anyone's ever felt that way about me. I care SO MUCH about the people I'm close to, I would do so much for so many people... and I constantly find out that less and less of these people are really what they seemed. I give guy after guy after guy after guy what they want, because I want them to be happy. I want them to have just a moment of release, of bliss. And at the time, I'm distracted. And then they leave. They always leave. And then I'm left alone again, back to where I started, stuck in a situation I was attempting to avoid by giving them what they wanted... and of course getting nothing in return. I need to stop. But I can't. It's like I'm stuck on repeat. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. ...so maybe I really I am crazy. Maybe I do need help. I'm reaching out, I'm grasping wildly, and I'm getting nothing. I'm just falling. And I'm scared to find out what happens when I hit bottom.