[fanfic fifty] [heart no kuni] 45. Morph

[spicy_diamond]

Title: I'm Not Myself Today
Author: spicy_diamond
Fandom: Heart no Kuni no Alice
Characters: Nightmare Gottschalk / Alice Liddell
Table: Four
Prompt: 45. Morph
Rating: PG-13
Challenge: fanfic50
Summary: [AU-Heart, **Major Spoilers for Truth End**] Alice Liddell, catatonic victim of manic depression. Nightmare Gottshalk, hemophiliac, roommate, and inpatient

Comments

[spicy_diamond]

Thanks! Glad you liked it!

It always seemed to me that, for all we knew, Alice's real body was in a coma somewhere when Peter and Nightmare had yoinked her through via her dreams of her sister. (Which, in the morbid fashion which Wonderland operates, had me initially curious if there wasn't a point where Alice's real world body would die and seal her in Wonderland with them... and, that being the case, if it wasn't Nightmare who could see when she 'died')

It is interesting to see that he can draw unrelated people into dreams in Wonderland itself. (Gives you another reason why people in Wonderland are so scared of him.) Though, I wonder if part of that is due to how thin Wonderland's existence seems sometimes. (Like how the Circus and Prison are two sides of the same coin and how Ace can get 'lost'.)

I'm also curious how the 12 hour thing works with the extra characters we have as well. Are Gray and Pierce supposed to take Julius and Gowland's 'roles' in her time? (Which would put a whole new spin on the abrasiveness between Gray and Julius.) Or does it mean, as she's attached herself to Wonderland that has no 'time' Alice opens herself to more aspects of her emotions? (Thus, why she can already see faces on the faceless if she tries?) Giving us a flat number for who's who would be some nice fanservice on Quinrose's part though...*shrug* guess we're sorta stuck in ignorance at this point.

Alice mode is an excellent mode to be in! Wonderland has the best cookies tea! XD

[auburn_leaves]

I thought this way for a long time, too. The idea about Alice's body being left in the real world is very interesting (and tempting, especially with the possibility of it dying). The truth end shows us that she had the bottle (I think it was both a metaphor for her guilt and an actual object) with her when she got back, and it can mean that either Alice had it with her before and just forgot about it (and unconsciously made it a symbol of her guilt while she was in the dream), or she was physically in Wonderland and that bottle was something that existed there. It didn't seem like a lot of time passed in the real world while she was in Wonderland, so it most likely means that the time there passes much more slowly than in the real world. That is assuming Wonderland is real, otherwise it's easy to explain how barely any time passed while she was "asleep", since a lot can happen in a dream in a very short amount of time.

The part about Nightmare being able to bring people into dreams comes from the mobile novel (and while he himself can stay there unlimited amount of time, anyone who is brought by him into the dream world in their body will end up being locked there forever after a set period of time. and yeah, it'd be weird if no one feared Nightmare with everything that he can do xD Omochabako showed us another of his scary abilities, too). That novel adds a lot to Nightmare's character. An important thing about him is that, through dreams, he is connected with every other role holder (this is what he meant by saying that they're all similar in a way, so he knows what the others feel) and he shares their feelings. It turns out that this is a very dangerous ability that is capable of destroying both him and Alice. There was a point where he could no longer contain all of the emotions inside of him, so he put himself into a deep sleep in order not to hurt Alice (according to Gray this meant that he may never wake up again and so a new muma would be chosen to replace him). However she was intent on bringing him back, and finally she managed to find him inside the dream world. There she met a completely different Nightmare, who was also Peter and Ace at the same time (or more specifically, he was a personification of their intensive feelings towards Alice) and he tried to kill her so no one else could have her. In the end Alice managed to bring back the "real" Nightmare though, and the other feelings were sealed (aka Nightmare was able to control them again). He started avoiding Alice afterwards though, because he was afraid he can hurt her like that yet again. <- very short summary Sadly, I have no idea how this all ended because QR still haven't released the last chapter, orz. It's an awesome novel and I wish they published it somewhere else, too... It was written by the scenario writer for the original games, and was better than the actual game routes because that was the first time Alice was visibly worried about him and for the first time she expressed her true feelings for him. It'd be awesome if they made this into a route *w*

[auburn_leaves]

(I had to split my original comment into two because of the character limit ^^;; I swear only Alice talk makes me do that, lolol)

I was actually thinking along the same lines for Pierce and Gray being there to replace Gowland and Julius somehow, but while we can explain one of them being a replacement for Julius (because he is technically still in a different "country", connected to this one through the dimensional door), it's hard to explain Gowland being back there... I was thinking that maybe Gray is different than the other role holders in a way that he doesn't represent an hour since he was given his role by Nightmare (I'd LOVE to see more details about that), but this is nothing but pure speculation at this point. The addition of Joker messed things up even more, lol. Unless he is also outside the hour reference by being a representation of feelings instead. Maybe QR will give us some explanation one day, maybe not. For now at least it's really fun thinking up various theories xD Another thing that bugs me is why does Nightmare have so many abilities that the other role holders don't? If Wonderland is a representation of Alice's feelings, would he be the part of her that doesn't want to go back to reality and is responsible for keeping her there? Because that's pretty much what he's doing. Why does Wonderland itself need someone who is able to read everyone's minds and affect their dreams? If Wonderland is a real place, then one of the possible answers would be that he is somewhat a keeper of the balance between the two worlds, as he takes care of the only place that connects them. So his actual role would be to take care that no one crosses the borders without him knowing and without his consent (kinda reminds me of Sailor Pluto from Sailor Moon, if you saw/read it xD *bricked*)... or maybe it's something else altogether lol. There's so many possibilities and so little answers ;w;

[spicy_diamond]

Geh, I wish I could read Japanese well enough to get the novels now. That scenario with Nightmare sounds really neat. I never considered that he might be affected by the emotions of the other role holders beyond just his normal ability to read their thoughts. (Maybe that's why he reads 'hearts' and not 'minds'??)

The bottle, though. The bottle! We always had it as the representation of Alice's 'heart' and 'guilt. 'But now I'm especially curious to know how Joker got his slimy paws on it in Omochabako. (In Clover, at least, we know Alice is still apt to carry it with her.) Something solidifying further in the prison after Alice's guilt at just being able to stand there while Joker 'kills' her sister? Considering that the Jokers want to entrap Alice with her guilt so she stays with them... it would make since that the manifestation of Lorina in the prison had more than one meaning. If the bottle is a representation of Wonderland that comes back with Alice, the separation might not be as potentially permanent as they thought. (Ace certainly blasts his way through to go pick Alice back up when she thinks she's gone home in Anni during the Non-Stay route... but maybe that's just 'cause getting lost and breaking stuff are Ace's talents?)

The fact that Gray was appointed by Nightmare does make sense for why he would be outside the hours reference. Ditto for the Jokers because they seem to be above the game in that regard, representing Alice's happiness and guilt at remaining in Wonderland. But... Gowland and Pierce are the funny ones. (Lets just kill the King and then there's room for Pierce on the clock. XD) Ooh, I do like the idea that Nightmare also represents the part of her that doesn't want to go back. He's the only one other than Peter who says flat out in the beginning that he loves Alice, you have to guess that his attachment runs just as deep as Peters. And Nightmare is the one who shows up whenever she has doubts as to what's she's doing. The idea that he is devoted to keeping Alice there and happy in Wonderland is interesting and it would explain why he's so powerful. (He certainly takes on the role of Alice's 'knight' when Joker comes to muck with her dreams.) And we know that he does take part in enforcing the rules of the game, in that he helps Clock Tower remain neutral. I'd definitely acknowledge him as keeping Wonderlands 'border' safe. (Though, I lol at the idea of him in a sailor fuku.((Hey! Pluto's colors would even sorta go!)) *snicker*)

[auburn_leaves]

That novel is really awesome (at least seen from a Nightmare fan's perspective xD) <333 The only minus (and a big one) is that it's available only for Japanese mobile phones :/ Right now even if QR published the last chapter I wouldn't be able to read it because I'm not in Japan anymore ;w; It's really not fair that they did it this way... As for Nightmare reading "hearts" and not "minds", it can be simply because that's how you write "mind reading" in Japanese. I believe Alice alternates between using the words "heart" and "thoughts" as well (I didn't really pay enough attention to this so I may be wrong), because in Japanese it can mean exactly the same thing. In the end I believe that Nightmare is capable of both literally hearing other people's thoughts and reading/feeling their emotions.

In Omochabako she keeps the bottle in a drawer in her room... but I don't know how Joker got his hands on it. Could he have stolen it? Or maybe he is capable of "summoning" the bottle, like Nightmare can? Maybe they're able to materialize it whenever Alice starts feeling guilty? It's hard to say... The bottle may be something less substantial in Wonderland, turning into a normal bottle in our world, after Alice faces her guilt and comes to terms with it. The truth end clearly states that Wonderland is real (at least I don't think they'd call that end a "truth" one if they didn't mean it), but Alice decides to make it into a dream because otherwise she wouldn't be able to live in the normal world. Nightmare and Peter did not want her to forget about their world or sum it up as just a dream, that's why they left the bottle with her. Nightmare also told Alice that Wonderland "adjusted" itself to Alice, so it may explain why so many things in there seem like a reflection of her psyche. She is able to see the faces of minutes and seconds because she truly cares for and values every single moment she could spend with her sister (one of the reasons why "time" fell in love with her). Through almost whole end Nightmare refers to himself as "time" and says that Wonderland is a world he controls (this is not literal, it's more like he indicates that Wonderland is governed by time, and they're all it's representations, so he also meant every other resident of Wonderland by this) I can't say much about Ace, because I didn't play his non-stay route in Anniversary yet. But now I'm very tempted to do it xD

I don't know much about Pierce because I didn't play his routes (minus Omochabako one)... did the games ever mention how did he become a role holder? (lolol killing the King solves a lot of problems, poor guy, he really is not needed XD) I'm thinking of replaying some of the characters and playing the ones I haven't yet in all of the games, and then think about all this again XD

[auburn_leaves]

(splitting again ^^;;)

After going through the truth end (yet) again, I think it also answers us why Nightmare is as attached to Alice as Peter is (adding to that what novel gave us, it makes a lot of sense I think): the only way to go between both worlds is through dreams and that's Nightmare's domain. If Peter could see Alice in his dreams, then Nightmare could do the same. That's why Peter asked Nightmare for help in getting Alice to Wonderland, he wasn't able to do it without Nightmare knowing and without him opening the passage first. So Nightmare has known and loved Alice through Peter's dreams. That is of course assuming that Wonderland is real.
Going further with the "Wonderland is a reflection of Alice's mind" concept (or acknowledging that Wonderland wrapped itself around Alice's feelings), Nightmare has a few other features that may indicate he represents everything that Alice wants to forget about and/or refuses to accept about herself. His fear of hospitals, for example... Alice mentioned that she doesn't feel good with hospitals and that she doesn't like them because they remind her of her mother's death (if she remembered about her sister I'm sure she'd feel even more uncomfortable about them). She lost both her mother and her sister to some kind of sickness, and Nightmare is the only one who is constantly sick. Every other character is abnormally healthy/strong. One more thing, Nightmare tries to avoid work no matter what, and that's what Alice has to face in the real world, even if she wouldn't want to, because that's how the society works and her feeling of responsibility wouldn't let her do otherwise. Nightmare barely has any feelings of responsibility, much less than the other characters, so he may represent the part of Alice that wants to live more freely, without being so bound by the rules and her own conscience... aaand I could go on like this, lol. (sorry for the mental image I gave you there XD;; Now I kinda wish someone drew a fanart of Naito in Pluto's costume ahhhh *bricks self*)

[spicy_diamond]

Double drat. You'd think Quinrose would make these things more easily available considering that their fans are global now.

I wouldn't be surprised if Joker has some way to materialize the bottle. Considering that the prisoners are entrapped by their own guilt, it would make sense that, as Warden, he'd have the means to keep them 'locked' as it were.

Geh, I really just love how complex Wonderland is. Alice does cherish life/(time) so much more than the people in Wonderland because she knows it's value where they make a mockery of all the rules of time. (Aging, the order of the day, life/death) Now I want to redo a bunch of Anni to refresh myself. XDD (*cough* And, I do actually have the completed save data if you'd rather watch than play Ace's non-stay... His is really intriguing for reasons beyond just being able to pick Alice up. >.> Heaven knows turns makes the games long. Both disappointed and glad that Omochabako skipped em.)

It never really mentioned how Pierce became a role holder other than to say that he'd 'tried really hard' (I think?) to be one and indicating that he'd been a normal rat before getting a role. (Rather like how Peter mentions that he'd been a normal faceless rabbit, with family even, before his role.)

I think the idea that Nightmare reflects the things that Alice wants to forget makes a lot of sense as well... Though, I also wonder, Wonderland conforming itself to Alice and all, if Nightmare doesn't take those things unto himself in exchange for Alice being able to forget? (And like the things she wishes to forget he's hovering there, mysteriously, just out of reach.) Nightmare is her biggest constant in Wonderland, after all. No matter the route she takes.

(Am now deeply intrigued at the idea that Nightmare's 'closeness' with Alice rivals Peters... ack, too many good ideas for ficcage!)