Trust
The thing I do best is push people away. I used to think I was a very trusting sort. Back when I used to hitch-hike around all the time. But that wasn't trust, that was foolish, self-destructive behavior, just utter disregard for my own safety. What's dawning on me lately is, I guess I've never really trusted anybody. And this lack of trust, this thing I thought I had (or do?) but now realize I don't have...or don't do...is really pulling everything I know into question. Who can I trust when I never learned to trust anyone...or rather, when I learned to trust no one? I don't even know how to do it.
I went on a retreat once with my psychology class in college. The class was called Theories of Personality and we were supposed to learn how major figures in psychology came upon their theories. But really it was about figuring out who you are and why you're the way you are. One of the exercises we had to do was a trust walk. We took turns guiding our blindfolded partners around the woods. One guy actively led his partner into spider webs, over sharp, thorny objects, made her walk into trees, pretty much inspiring terror-the opposite of trust.
My partner and I giggled through most of our respective turns. Needless to say, we weren't taking this too seriously. During my turn, I walked tentatively, haltingly. The world was a void. Danger was to be avoided. Maybe it was nervous laughter now that I think about it. But toward the end, say the last couple of a twenty-minute walk, I do recall feeling a certain lightness. A moment of clarity if you will. Is this trust? When you can let someone carry your burden for you, even if only momentarily, even if they're just guiding you through a safe as bunnies state forest?
I'd hate to think that is the only time I've ever known trust. So fleetingly. In such a contrived manner. Certainly I've trusted other people? In other instances? On the other hand, it's not like I'm paranoid. I don't necessarily think everyone's out to get me or anything. No, it's even less than that. It's more like apathy. I guess I just don't believe it when other people say they care. All my current working relationships are too new, too young. I haven't had that long-term relationship where the other person hasn't let me down in some really hurtful and profound way. How long is long enough to know someone before you can trust them?
I went on a retreat once with my psychology class in college. The class was called Theories of Personality and we were supposed to learn how major figures in psychology came upon their theories. But really it was about figuring out who you are and why you're the way you are. One of the exercises we had to do was a trust walk. We took turns guiding our blindfolded partners around the woods. One guy actively led his partner into spider webs, over sharp, thorny objects, made her walk into trees, pretty much inspiring terror-the opposite of trust.
My partner and I giggled through most of our respective turns. Needless to say, we weren't taking this too seriously. During my turn, I walked tentatively, haltingly. The world was a void. Danger was to be avoided. Maybe it was nervous laughter now that I think about it. But toward the end, say the last couple of a twenty-minute walk, I do recall feeling a certain lightness. A moment of clarity if you will. Is this trust? When you can let someone carry your burden for you, even if only momentarily, even if they're just guiding you through a safe as bunnies state forest?
I'd hate to think that is the only time I've ever known trust. So fleetingly. In such a contrived manner. Certainly I've trusted other people? In other instances? On the other hand, it's not like I'm paranoid. I don't necessarily think everyone's out to get me or anything. No, it's even less than that. It's more like apathy. I guess I just don't believe it when other people say they care. All my current working relationships are too new, too young. I haven't had that long-term relationship where the other person hasn't let me down in some really hurtful and profound way. How long is long enough to know someone before you can trust them?