Aching
I went to Napa yesterday for a bit and hung with my old Boss and friend Wendy and her friend(mine too) Dina. We went to BV and to V. Sattui and had some snackins. It was a good time. I'm glad I made it up there. I nearly flaked. I get to this point after plans are made where the closer the event comes to happening the more I want to bail out of it and just be shitty all alone. Of course that is NOT want I want to do. But there is this thing there that does it to me. I'm glad I got out.
Napa pics: http://flickr.com/photos/jamonit/sets/72157613479223429/
I think I'm just not good at pretending to be okay. I'm not okay.
I'm aching inside.
That's really the only way I can describe how my emotions are right now. I don't want this. I wish I could make it better and do something different.
It was a bit more clear cut when my trust was betrayed in the past to realize I am better off. But now, it's not that way. I'm thinking back about choices I made and ways I acted and making justifications, but it all leads back to me just wanting it back. Her back. Even if I was getting only a percentage of what I wanted and needed from her. That percentage was enough, because it was with her.
Looking at old photo albums just makes me love her more.
Okay, enough of this for now. I can write for hours on the subject.
Today is my birthday! Hooray the fuck for me.
I do however look forward to going to brunch with Joe and Kelly and Gabs is coming along I believe.
I wanted to go the dog park too, but the fucking rain ruined that. I'm going to climb in my basement now and run some cat 5.