(Untitled)

[spicetrader]

i wanted to go to burning man. michelle just cannot will not must not let me go by myself. why is that? i've discovered the secret. she would not have control over me for more than one week. that sucks and i hate it. next year i'm aiming to go by myself.

Comments

[dawnd]

Umm, no, Jon. This still doesn't mean that the REASON she won't let you go is that she wouldn't have control over you. It simply means that this is the only way she could think of that would keep HER safe.

What happened:
She said "If you go you might not have a place to live when you get back."

Your interpretation:
"She wants to control me."

This may or may not be true, but logically speaking, it does not automatically follow. By jumping to the conclusion that the REASON she doesn't want you to go is that she wants to control you, you are missing all sorts of opportunities to develop new meanings, and therefore discover places for negotiation.

Possible alternate interpretations:

1) She's scared that you'll meet someone new and won't need her anymore.

2) She doesn't think you guys have the money to spend on it, and feels that if your priorities are that different from hers, then perhaps you're not a good match anymore.

3) She is afraid that you'll get hurt or injured and she won't be there to help.

4) Many other possibilities...

Mind you, her statement that you might not have a place to live is at least as much an interpretation, a "making it mean" as yours that she wants to control you. You are both leaping to conclusions, and therefore cutting off your noses to spite your face in this game of negotiation.

If you both don't leap to conclusions, you will probably find that you have far more latitude to negotiate and get both of your needs met.

[spicetrader]

Me staying home from Burning Man keeps Michelle safe? That's bullshit. Michelle staying home from BM keeps Michelle safe. What the hell? That's just control and you know it.

All of those points you make about possibilities for Michelle feeling unsafe or scared can happen anywhere....why pick BM to freak out over? Why not home? I have resources here and a city full of freaks to hang out with. I just can't buy into the safety thing. Sorry.

unasked for opinion

[dawnd]

Yes, you are right, all those things could happen anywhere. And they do.

You don't have to buy into the safety thing, Jon. But it's probably true, whether or not you believe it.

The world is not trying to control you. That's your issue, undoubtedly originating in your family of origin. And you are putting Michelle's face on it.

This is not to say that Michelle doesn't have her own unreasonable issues, or that her need for making safety is reasonable, sane and justifiable. She's blowing things out of proportion just as much as you are.

But make no mistake, you BOTH are blowing things out of proportion.