The Beast And The Fairy -- 12. Somewhere Nowhere
Title: The Beast And The Fairy -- Chapter 12. Somewhere Nowhere
Authors:
sphinxofthenile and
_ice_lady_
Fandom: Buck-Tick, Der Zibet
Pairing: Atsushi/Issay... eventually.
Rating: NC17 altogether, though we're far away from porn.
Disclaimer: Do not own. Make no money. Mean no harm.
Summary: "I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is: Try to please everybody." ~ Herbert Bayard Swope
Warning: A decade of UST. Adult topics like marriage, cheating, prostitution, coming out, mental disorders, drinking problems, abuse, parental issues and death.
A/N: Credits can be seen, in their entirety, here. Thanks to
chibipinkbunny for all things commas and common sense.
What should I do?
Where?
Which way? Here?
Where is this!
Which way?
Where!
Someone! Anyone!
Somewhere Nowhere, Imai Hisashi & Sakurai Atsushi
---
Tokyo, October 1991
It should have been a party. Well, for anyone else, it probably looked like one. There was booze, stripping girls (because apparently, choosing a strip club was for some reason compulsory for any self-respecting man who was saying goodbye to his freedom, or so Toll had enlightened him), his circle of band mates and closest few friends, and lots of teasing for the would-be husband and father.
Had that been anybody else, Atsushi would have probably even had an enjoyable evening. Like this, he just wanted to get wasted and forget about everything, especially tonight. His face was starting to hurt from all the fake smiling as it was. And why the hell did his friends insist that it was only proper to have a party like this? Like there was any reason to celebrate.
If they only knew. The sole reason why Atsushi wasn’t comparing it to a funeral was that the last one was still a bit too fresh on his mind to allow him to draw such parallels. And no matter how much Atsushi hated himself for his thoughts sometimes, that didn’t change the fact that he would have given an arm and a leg to be somewhere else.
Then again, if he wanted to be honest, it could have been worse. Sayuri was a wonderful girl. Any man would be happy to marry such a kind soul. And she was the mother of his child, wasn’t that the greatest wonder in the world? Regardless of the amount of sheer terror it made Atsushi feel at the moment, of course.
Getting wasted it was.
Having a girl at home expecting his child made Atsushi realise just how hard it was to enjoy the show before his eyes. Maybe that was just something that was supposed to happen, because everybody else seemed to have a hard time keeping their eyes off the women, even Satoru. But Atsushi decided his brother was just special. Or the gift of appreciation returned after a few years or something such.
At least the alcohol was free. Well, on someone, because the guys refused to say who the one financing this party was. Most likely Toll because he would be the type, and he was rich enough. No way it was Satoru, and no way in hell it could have been Issay.
Who was the second problem here.
Atsushi really didn’t want the man around during his own god damned stag party. Maybe he didn’t want the man around, period, but those thoughts just made him even more depressed. Still, the fact remained that just looking at him was making Atsushi so uncomfortable he would have rather just left. Perhaps it was simply because the man seemed so graciously disinterested, hiding it behind that dazzling smile. But something was definitely amiss. Atsushi would know, he had more than enough chances to see him have fun, and this wasn’t it. And obviously, he had been staring enough at Issay for the man to catch him at it, and the man shot him a little smile that for some reason made Atsushi feel so ashamed.
Then a long, sharp whistle pulled him out of his thoughts, and he was practically startled to notice one of the girls leaning close, a seductive smile on her lips while the rest of the guys were cheering. And good god, what was he supposed to do now?
“Kiss the groom, kiss, kiss, kiss!” they were chanting, and Atsushi just wanted to disappear. What the hell were these idiots thinking? Sure, it was a stag party, but that didn’t mean he had any wish to act like some stupid teen with raging hormones. As everyone else around seemed to behave, respect to the exceptions. Atsushi was starting to believe that the whole thing was just a handy excuse for the guys to go wild on someone else’s money. How... nice.
In the end, he just ended up hiding behind his glass with an embarrassed chuckle. Pretend that the monsters weren’t there and eventually they would go away, right? Well, the girl obviously thought so, because she pulled back with a wink and decidedly ignored them afterwards. Thank the heavens. One less problem on Atsushi’s growing list.
“Man, if you are going to be this shy on your wedding night too...” Someone patted him on the back, and Atsushi needed a moment to realise it was a very drunk Toll who made Atsushi wanted to drown someone. Preferably himself and in enough alcohol to fry each and every one of his brain cells.
And of course, trust the bunch of them to laugh at his expense, like they had done for the better part of the evening. Thank god for a new round being served. At least for a short while everyone was focused on the booze.
“Never thought I would see the day,” Satoru spoke up then, almost dreamily, which meant he was on his way to becoming wasted as well. “Lucky bastard, you.” He grinned, probably not even noticing the look Atsushi shot him. Then again, it wasn’t like Atsushi enlightened him about the true nature of this wedding in the first place, so he guessed he couldn’t exactly be as angry with his brother as he wanted to be. Given that they were all convinced that the whole thing was just a matter of time anyway, baby or not. “You’ll see, once you hold your child in your arms, you’ll see everything that is worth living for in the world,” Satoru explained to his beer, nodding sagely after every second word, which made him look like a broken toy.
Well, Atsushi certainly was hoping. Atsuko was a sweet kid, and Atsushi could understand her father’s infatuation with her, but by the end of the day, she turned into a hungry, messy noise machine, and Atsushi didn’t like any of those qualities.
“You’ll see what true love is,” the man added, and Atsushi smiled. Yes, that would have been nice indeed, but he had his doubts. “My baby brother’s getting married!” Satoru yelled, cheering up instantly as he squeezed Atsushi into a tight embrace threatening to break his ribcage. Atsushi was too damned shocked to respond to that, up until the moment it was over.
Well, at least someone deserved to be happy about it, he guessed. And, of all people, Atsushi was more than happy to know it was Satoru. If he himself couldn’t be.
---
Issay needed a smoke, and, even though it was perfectly acceptable to smoke inside the establishment, he thought he was going to suffocate. Getting some fresh air it was. While he filled his lungs with poison, of course.
They were bitter, his cigarettes, just the way he liked them. And the outside air was sharp, just as October nights tended to be. Good thing he brought a coat. Then again, he should have been smart enough to take it from the dressing room before stepping out right now. But he’d live. It was only a matter of two minutes, maybe three, and then he was going to be back inside.
Surrounded by drunken men doing their best impersonation of dogs as they cheered and howled at naked and stripping women. None of the things Issay personally enjoyed, unfortunately.
Granted, he enjoyed the reason for this party even less.
It was over. Atsushi was getting married tomorrow. Not that there had been any hope before or anything, but now it was final. Atsushi was getting married, having a child, and starting a family. Which selfishly meant less time for Issay. While he’d made peace with the fact that he was never going to fuck that ass (drunk? Maybe a bit...), the idea of losing his company seemed flat out agonising.
Bitter? Perhaps, but with everything else going on in his life (things he’d have normally shared with Atsushi, and just that fact would have made him feel better), this really seemed like the last nail in his coffin.
Their album was coming out Monday, the very same one he’d work so hard on (together with Atsushi, but hey, who was counting), which meant finally breaking it off with their current label. And it was a weight off Issay’s shoulders, considering that switch had been the worst thing his band had ever made. Ever since that little stunt he’d done for Homo Demens.
So they were free, like little birds with clipped wings, to go find some other house that would take them. And with the entire market showing the first signs of crumbling, it was going to be interesting indeed.
All of these things were so silly in the long run. They were Der Zibet, they were going to make it, they were going to prevail in the end. And their album sales were going to be good enough, god damn it. Not much doubt there.
Except, Atsushi was going to get married, spend a month fucking that deer-like little thing of his into the bedpost of whatever hotel they’d rented for their honeymoon, while Issay had no one to talk to.
About the label and sales and all those other silly things.
Well, he better snap out of this. And soon. Which was easier said than done, especially considering that the person stepping out of the club was none other than Atsushi himself, with that little smile of his that was doing things to Issay’s head even after all this time.
“Uhh, hi,” Atsushi offered somewhat sheepishly. On the other hand, he was smart enough to bring his coat. Which suddenly reminded Issay just how cold it was outside, but he'd be damned if he was going back there now. “Mind if I join?”
“I don’t see my name painted on this piece of pavement,” Issay shrugged with a small smile, then because Atsushi seemed drunk enough, he decided to add. “Really, why would I?”
It was Atsushi’s turn to shrug, apparently. He fumbled around in his pocket until he pulled out his own pack and lit one. It was quite remarkable how uncomfortable he looked. Of course, Issay had noticed it back inside (only the blind wouldn’t have, he guessed, and the drunk, obviously), but he assumed Atsushi was just bothered by all the attention that he was getting. Being that this was his party and all. Which, considering how crude it all was, probably would have made any healthy man cringe in Issay’s books.
But there was no one else here, and Atsushi still looked like he carried all the world’s problems on his shoulders.
“Something the matter?” Issay decided to ask. Not that it wasn’t quite obvious, but sometimes Atsushi needed a bit of nudging.
“No, not really.” Now there went the most pathetic answer of all answers in history. But Issay knew Atsushi well enough, and indeed the man decided to go on. “I’m just... I didn’t think it would be like this. Everything is just...”
“Happening too fast?” Issay tried to help out, and Atsushi slowly nodded.
“I guess.” He took another long drag of his cigarette, tucking his hair behind his ear. If anyone ever deserved an ode of... Issay made a mental note not to drink anymore.
He was obviously on the wrong side of drunk already. And he was also smoking the filter too, but the thought of going back inside seemed even less appealing than before.
“Gods, but I don’t want to go back there." Atsushi sighed then, echoing Issay’s own thoughts perfectly.
“Well, don’t?” he suggested, and had to suppress a chuckle once Atsushi looked at him like he had grown a second head all of a sudden.
“But, what would they think--”
“Oh, you mean after they recovered from those hangovers?” Issay asked with what he hoped was enough good humour, and it felt like winning a small war once Atsushi chuckled. “It is your party after all, isn’t it?”
“That’s true, I guess.” Atsushi obviously wasn’t convinced. Too bad, just the thought of having to endure more of that was making Issay feel a headache coming on. “But I think they’d still be pissed if I ditched them to go and have some fun.”
“Well, I can always just go and tell them you are feeling sick and throwing up like a fountain, and I’m taking you home,” Issay offered with a grin. “No one would complain, surely.”
“You can’t do that!” Atsushi laughed a bit too loudly, and Issay felt his grin widen.
“That better be a dare.”
---
Now, this was much better. This was a party, in Atsushi’s books. Issay and he, two bottles of good, overpriced wine (Issay insisted, regardless of the fact that had they not had to rely on an overnight working liquor store, they could have gotten the same quality for one third of the price), and some random bench in a park.
Atsushi felt like a teenager again. Issay was in one of his long winded monologues, this time about some poem, but Atsushi couldn’t even make himself focus on that. He just sat there, most likely staring dumbly at the man who only had to ask Atsushi to repeat what he’d just said, and Atsushi would have been embarrassed like hell. Instead he just grinned, grabbing the bottle from the floor and taking a very long drag of the wine.
Shame, they were almost out of it.
“I’m boring you. Like hell, aren’t I?” Issay teased, and it drove Atsushi into a head shaking fit in an instant.
“Gods, no,” he said, and Issay’s grin grew a fraction. “I’m having fun.”
“Well, you don’t look it,” the man teased, and Atsushi was very happy that the temperature outside was cold enough that he wasn't able to blush. “Was expecting you to yawn any second now.”
“It’s called being an attentive listener,” Atsushi said, quite surprised with his own ability to form remotely coherent sentences. Rather smart sounding to boot. So, of course, he had to grin like a doofus and ruin everything.
“So, you’re telling me you’d rather sit here, freezing your ass off on some random bench, listening to me rant about the weaknesses of Greek tragedy instead of enjoying a free stripper show,” Issay said, and his intelligence and wit were slightly diminished as he had to fight the urge to burp.
Well, they were both drunk enough to forgive each other’s shortcomings.
“I don’t believe in paying women to undress for me,” Atsushi said, and wanted to apologise that second, but unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, Issay burst out laughing. Atsushi got stuck enjoying the show. This he’d pay for, quite generously at that.
Not that he’d ever admit that one.
“True, you have that for free, don’t you?” Issay even dared adding a wink to the mix, and it just made Atsushi feel sick all of a sudden. Granted, he hoped it was just the wine.
“Well, I wouldn’t really equate what one gets from stripper with what one gets from a wife,” Atsushi offered meekly, and he blamed the wine. It had to be the wine. Issay, on the other hand, looked taken aback for a second, and the man had to notice just how guilty Atsushi must have looked, and the refined, classy gentleman that he was, he masterfully changed the topic.
“You do know that eros used to mean many kinds of love?” he started, and Atsushi was more than happy to just nod and turn back into listening the man gush over the things he so obviously loved. And knew so god damned much about. “Sure, today the porn industry is mad about the sexual aspects of it, but once, it was simply an affectionate love between spouses. Or between an adolescent boy and his teacher.” Atsushi decided not to comment on all the conclusions his brain happily supplied with that idea, and the fact that he and Issay were in a relationship similar to that.
And that Atsushi obviously needed to stop thinking about disgusting things like that.
“Or the madness you feel at first sight, the madness from the gods,” Issay continued, obviously unaware of the things going on inside Atsushi’s sick, sick mind. And then he grinned, eyes glazed with alcohol, as well as the fact that he was lost in thought, wherever his brain went when he had an... epiphany of sorts. Atsushi indeed loved those moments, but this time he just snagged the bottle to finish it quietly. “You know the story between Cupid and Psyche?” Atsushi shook his head before finally downing the wine. “Cupid was also known as Eros, you know?” Atsushi shrugged, feeling so god damned inadequate all of a sudden.
Granted, next to Issay, he tended to feel extremely inadequate most of the times. And so happy, but he wasn’t thinking about that now, either.
“It’s a very... well, fucked up story, to be honest,” Issay admitted with a chuckle, and Atsushi laughed. “Psyche was this girl who was so beautiful that the goddess Aphrodite... You know who Aphrodite was?” Issay asked, and Atsushi nodded.
Not exactly the truth, but he’d heard of her, that was obviously enough. Something about... love and sex and whatever. He decided to drink more wine while there was still some left in the bottle.
“She was Cupid’s mother. She was so jealous of the girl that she sent her own son to shoot his arrow at her, so she’d fall in love with the first creature she’d see. Something ugly, of course.” He made a small, mockingly knowing nod, and Atsushi snorted. “Because we tend to stare at fuck ugly creatures when we wake up, of course.” This time, Atsushi burst out laughing. “So,” Issay quickly continued, perking up, “we have this hot girl sleeping, and this god’s son falling in love with her at first sight, as all gods tended to, I guess.”
“Does this have some kind of a point, or?” Atsushi teased, pulling a chuckle out of Issay, who then shook his head.
“Just listen, okay?” he said, grinning. “Where was I?”
“Cupid fell in love with a hot, sleeping chick,” Atsushi supplied and Issay nodded.
“Yes, Cupid fell in love with the hot, sleeping chick, and went back home to mommy to tell her that.”
“Man, she must’ve been pissed,” Atsushi chimed in, making Issay snort again.
“Glad to see you’re listening,” he teased. “So, mommy curses the girl, so she’d never, ever get married. Cupid has a fit about it and refuses to shoot anyone else with his arrows. Darkness, decay and sexless nights ensue. Which causes a riot, as you can well imagine.” Atsushi nodded, even though from his current perspective he actually would have found that an improvement to his conditions.
But he wasn’t about to say that. Ever. Especially not to Issay. Never.
“But anyway... she lifts the curse, yadda, yadda, Cupid gets Psyche, they have lots of sex. In the dark because she can’t see his face,” Issay added.
“Why?” Atsushi blurted out.
“Sorry?” Issay blinked a few times, confused.
“Why can’t she see his face?” Atsushi asked, curious, and Issay rolled his eyes, bursting out laughing himself.
“Because that would’ve made for a very short story, now shut up!” he warned, and Atsushi was back to his grinning self. “Because no woman ever could actually listen if you ask her to do something, you know?” he added. Yes, Atsushi knew a thing or two about that one. “But, anyway, she of course turns the light on, blah blah, he leaves... and off she goes to his mommy to beg him to come back.”
“Wow...” Atsushi said, nodding slowly. “This is like... the dumbest story I’ve ever heard.”
Issay rolled his eyes once more, but he didn’t seem even remotely insulted. “Shut up!” he warned. “Here I am, trying nicely to teach you never to go against your lover’s mom, and you’re being so...”
“So...?” Atsushi urged, unable to stop his grin from surfacing.
“So... insolent!” Issay eventually said, looking surprisingly... victorious. Proud with himself. Well, considering how much wine they’d downed...
“Did Cupid stop shooting the arrows?” Atsushi found himself asking, and Issay obviously needed a few seconds to think about that one.
“Actually...” He grinned. “No. Can you imagine? So... he was just depressed, but people went on with their lives, sex included, obviously.”
“So, erm...” Atsushi butted in again. “What’s the moral of the story?” he tried.
Issay shrugged. “I don’t know...” he said, looking a tad dumb himself. Well, it was the alcohol, as always. Then the man grinned.
“Why did you tell it then?” he asked.
“Popped into my mind.” Issay shrugged again. “Well, life goes on. I guess. Carpe diem and all that jazz.” He paused as Atsushi most likely made the dumbest face in the history of dumb faces. “Oh, whatever. Not for you, anyway. Bohemians didn’t like monogamy, you know.” Issay was back to that thing again, lost in thought, grinning. “Damn, if you have time, remind me next time we’re somewhere more... well, book equipped, to show you some stuff Toulouse-Lautrec did with hookers,” he added, and Atsushi choked on his own spit. “Oh, the statue!”
“What statue?” Atsushi asked, feeling so ridiculously dumb. Issay, on the other hand, was beaming.
“Rodin’s statue,” he said, like it was the most obvious thing on the planet. “Of Cupid and Psyche, of course,” he added, jumping up from his seat. “It’s marvellous,” he continued, spreading his arms into some sort of an exaggerated gesture that just amused Atsushi. “The way they barely kiss, lips so close to one another... gods... I love it.” He slumped back onto the bench next to Atsushi, sighing. “To be so close to your lover and unable to kiss them for a whole eternity... can you just imagine?” Issay grinned, but he looked so... so far away, actually.
Could Atsushi imagine? Yes, yes he could. And then some.
This entry was originally posted at http://sphinxofthenile.dreamwidth.org/139598.html.