Neverending tapeworm of a series
Title: Adapt Or Die
Authors: _ice_lady_ and sphinxofthenile
Fandom: Alice nine, Dir en grey
Pairing: Toshiya/Tora
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: Do not own. Make no money. Mean no harm.
Summary: Everything was already set, his parents were waiting and all Tora had to do was pick up his bags and leave. It couldn't have been easier than that.
Warning: Hints of parental abuse and homophobia. Toshiya and his antics.
Word count: 4314
A/N: Our take on this. With just enough artistic freedom. And Toshiya. Always Toshiya. Part of a series which will never end. Ever.
---
Toshiya had no idea what he was thinking. Had someone asked why the hell did he even bother, he probably would have just smiled and shrugged. Besides temporary insanity, there was simply no logical reason for him being there, in a crowd of raving fans waiting for the doors to open. On second thought, he probably could have pulled a favour and gotten a backstage pass for free. Then again, he didn't know if Tora would be comfortable with so many people seeing Toshiya of all people wander around at an Alice nine gig. The rumours, they would never end.
Not that Toshiya cared much. But Tora did. Ridiculously so, in Toshiya's humble opinion, but he didn't want to upset the tiger any further. The concert, his very last, was going to be hard enough on the man as it was. Not that Toshiya was worried or anything.
In fact, if anyone asked, Toshiya was here for the sole reason of this being the very last concert Alice nine gave. Or at least the very last with its original line up. Maybe they would find another guitarist, though Toshiya doubted they would ever get a hold of anyone half as good as Tora. Or at least half as dedicated. The kid was a total workaholic, but it wasn't like Toshiya couldn't respect that one. Very much so, actually.
Once the gates opened the mass of fans (mostly girls, no surprise there) started flooding in. It was pretty damn weird, being in the crowd for a change. Toshiya lingered in the back, letting the other bodies carry him. For one last time he looked down at his hard earned ticket, wondering if he was really about to do this. Well judging from what he saw of the band so far, it was still pretty cheap for an almost two hour long show of pretty men groping on stage.
Even if the music sucked.
Inside it was hot and stuffy, but dark enough for Toshiya to be comfortable. Given his height he could see very well from the back, so all was well. Briefly he wondered what he might look like to these young people, but no one really seemed to pay attention anywhere else but the stage, and he quickly abandoned the thought. It only made him feel old and uncomfortable.
Then the lights went on in a blinding flash and the crowd went wild, shouting and cheering as the band members appeared on stage. Toshiya had to hand it to them, despite the fact that they were standing there with the knowledge that they ended here, they appeared to keep themselves in check just fine. Even Tora looked his usual self, gorgeous and stoic. The man was either holding up a lot better than Toshiya gave him credit for, or he had one hell of a good make up artist. At this point, Toshiya's money was not on the first.
The concert was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. As one song came after the other, the cracks started to widen. Everyone in the band appeared to be touched and the audience seemed to catch on. Some girls were holding their hands before their mouths, crying or looking like they were about to. Not like it mattered much. Toshiya had eyes only for the stage. Where yes, there was some friendly teasing, some more straightforward bits of fanservice, but all in all it was pretty reserved in comparison. While Toshiya personally wouldn't have minded a bit more spice to the show, he couldn't exactly blame his fellow musicians for not being their usual hyperactive selves.
Then there was Tora. Toshiya could see it, the effort it took for the tiger to keep his calm. He could only guess how it must have felt for the other man. Toshiya was lucky to make it with Dir en grey within the time limit he set for himself. They were lucky, all of them. They never had to think about a tomorrow without the band. And after so many years, Toshiya didn't think he even could. It was what they wanted to do, after all.
Just like it was what Tora wanted to do, but could not. Toshiya wanted to be angry with him. For giving up his dream, for caving in under the pressure... Toshiya saw too many talents disappear like that. And Tora was talented. Hell, even like this he was playing like nothing else mattered. A true musician through and through. But instead of anger, all Toshiya could muster was some rueful disdain at the world and a strange sort of sadness for Tora. Just as Kaoru often said, his sense of justice would put Toshiya in his grave, because the whole situation was all so... unfair.
Toshiya's eyes scanned the crowd, trying to catch sight of Tora's family, but he couldn't see anyone who could have fit the role. He could only hope they weren't heartless enough not to even attend. Not after he had seen the tiny invitation cards Tora made. Tora, who admittedly hated writing personal messages of all sorts with a passion.
They probably were up on the first floor or something. That had to be it.
Then suddenly his attention was grabbed again as the momentary stillness setting over the stage steadily broke and blew up into such a whirlwind of emotion that it was hard to keep track of everything that was going on. Their skinny vocalist (Shou, was it?) yelled into the mic, and all of a sudden the cute little one broke into tears, soon to be followed by half of the fans while the other members kept moving about like they were at a complete loss, which they probably were.
Except for Tora who was on the ground, doubled over and hiding his face. Toshiya didn't even notice when the man sank to his knees. The concept would have delighted him at any other time. This one sadly didn't belong in that group. Stunned, he watched as someone tried to shake some life into Tora, but obviously to no avail. All the band members were tearing up, running around randomly and hugging each other tightly.
Finally, Tora seemed to gather himself. At that point everyone seemed to be crying, and yet the sight of the tiger's tear-streaked face was like a wholly unexpected blow to Toshiya. Proud, sweet, bastardy Tora breaking at the seams in front of a hall full of people. Watching him stumble around the stage like a man without direction, Toshiya only wished he could do something for him. Like this, he could only hope it was all worth it in the end.
If only he could believe that. Whatever he was expecting to see, this was definitely not it. Then again, who was he kidding. Tora was just human too.
Not even waiting for the end, Toshiya decided to sneak out before the fans flooded the entrance again. The outside air was warm, but for a while it seemed almost chilly after the heat of the live house. Stopping under a light, Toshiya pulled out a cigarette. The noise from inside was tamed down but still very much present. He knew he should have left, but he didn't have the heart to just walk away. Then again, he had a feeling this was not the perfect occasion to congratulate Tora on a concert well done. Leaning his head back he blew the smoke towards the sky, watching it swirl against the lamp's light.
Well one thing was for sure, Toshiya didn't want to be around when the fans started to flock out. The less he was seen the better it was. Coming here was already pushing it pretty damn hard. The last thing Toshiya needed was to be recognised. Kaoru would be shitting kittens for sure. That could have actually been a rather tempting thought, but Toshiya just wasn't in the mood to mess around this time. Aimlessly, he wandered further towards the back of the building.
Apparently not even cigarettes lasted forever, and Toshiya actually contemplated lighting another, but that would have been the most pathetic of excuses for buying some more time to... well he wasn't sure, but it wasn't that important anyway.
The sound of a door opening and closing snapped him out of his thoughts. Someone came out of the building, fumbling with a lighter and a pack of cigarettes, seemingly unaware of Toshiya's presence. It kind of made sense, with the person probably accustomed to the light inside while Toshiya was cast in shadows. There was something familiar about him, and the moment the little flame lit up, Toshiya found his lips spreading into a little grin. The cute little one, what was his name...
"Hey, shorty." Toshiya stepped forward, obviously starling the other man who whirled around as if trying to determine where the sound came from. Then he finally noticed Toshiya and he dropped his cigarette in shock. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." Toshiya held up his hands with a chuckle. "If I would be into stalking pretty guitarists, I would be doing it better."
"To-Toshiya?" the cute little blond stuttered, covering up with a nervous, apologetic chuckle. "Sorry, I just... didn't expect anyone around." Least of all Toshiya, that much was obvious.
"Oh, please. If anyone should be apologising, it's me. Here." Toshiya flicked the cap of his pack open and offered a new cigarette, which the other accepted with a little smile and a quick thank you. Toshiya decided he could have another one too after all. It was just solidarity. "I'm so sorry, I know we've sort of met before, but your name is just eluding me at the moment--"
"Oh, sorry! I'm Ogata Hiroto. Very honoured to make your acquaintance. I know we haven't been properly introduced before--"
"My bad. Please don't worry about it." Toshiya smiled, and the two of them lapsed into silence. Blondie was obviously fishing for words, always changing his mind in the last moment and deciding not to speak his mind until Toshiya decided he didn't have the patience for this. "Oh, for the love of, just spit it out already."
"Oh, no, it's just... well, I just thought it was really great you came. I mean, I'm sure Tora will appreciate it..." Hiroto stuttered, and Toshiya would have laughed at the man's obvious embarrassment, had the words not been reminding him a bit too sharply why he was there in the first place.
"Have my doubts about that one," Toshiya offered with a small grimace, taking a deep drag of his cigarette.
"I don't think so," Hiroto added, offering a little too big of a smile with that. Toshiya had to chuckle, stopping only to finish his cigarette. "I mean, you came here and everything, you sure you don't want me to...?" Hiroto let it linger in the air between them, together with the last puffs of cigarette smoke.
Toshiya should have known better, but what the hell. He'd come all this way just to see Tora from afar, and one never refused those little things that fate offered. He shrugged. "Lead the way."
Hiroto's features instantly lit up, and the man turned on his heel, not even checking whether Toshiya was following him.
The inside of the hall seemed to be wrapped in a completely different atmosphere than the outside. Toshiya had had far too many concerts behind him to be more than used to the lazy rush so typical of the post show recovery. This, on the other hand, was nothing alike. Sure, there was a stillness there, quiet that could only happen after the show when everyone was tired and their ears were buzzing happily with the abuse of that hour and a half on stage.
Everyone was speaking in hushed tones, moving slowly and carefully as though they were afraid of making a sound that would disturb the tense air. Had Toshiya no recollection of what was going on, he still would have been able to guess something was amiss by now.
"Wow," he muttered, not realising that the words actually left his mouth until Hiroto turned around, looking a bit confused. Toshiya just shrugged, thought about asking whose funeral this was but he knew the joke was pretty damned tasteless. After all, Hiroto was part of that band as much as Tora was.
"You know, he locked himself inside the dressing room the moment we left the stage," Hiroto said, and Toshiya would have laughed had he not known any better. So much for Hiroto just wanting to do Toshiya a favour. The little bastard decided to do it the other way round. So it was Toshiya's job to pull the tiger out of it, or something similar. "Before I left, Shou's been trying to get him to unlock the door."
"And you think I'll have better luck," Toshiya continued the thought that was surely pestering Hiroto, and the man practically turned crimson under the artificial lights of the hallway.
"You can't blame me for trying," he said eventually, right after they took a turn at the end of the hallway. Toshiya could recognise the three men sitting on the chairs grouped around one specific door. Hiroto froze on the spot, and Toshiya wanted to ask him what was going on, but looking at those other three faces it was pretty damned obvious things weren't faring well. Not with the slouched shoulders, worried eyes, and everything.
Toshiya had no idea he'd been rushing to greet them until the point he was right in front of them, his heart beating faster than mere seconds ago.
"Toshiya?" one of them asked, and Toshiya could remember him being the drummer, but he'd be damned if he could remember the man's name. "What's he doing here?" the other asked, eyes seeking Hiroto's this time instead. There was no accusation in the tone, no condescending -- just plain old curiosity. Well, Toshiya couldn't exactly blame him.
"What happened?" Hiroto asked, completely ignoring the question.
"They're inside, his parents." Shou looked up from where he was slouched on the floor and Toshiya couldn't remember a time he'd ever seen the man look so crushed. Tired, yes. Creepy, definitely. But it wasn't the man's eyes that scared Toshiya this time. "Been ever since you left, and we kind of can't hear anything."
"Oh, for the love of god," Toshiya blurted out, rolling his eyes. With friends like these, did Tora really need enemies? He walked past them instantly, literally barging through the door that was luckily unlocked, though if it hadn't been, Toshiya's determination would not have been stopped as easily.
What did stop him once he found himself inside the room was seeing Tora standing there in the middle, looking a bit too much like a deer in the headlights, while an older pair was seated in one of the room's corners, obviously waiting for Tora.
Toshiya didn't feel like an introduction was necessary, but he'd be damned if he ever expected Tora to do something even remotely as crazy as practically jumping at Toshiya and pulling him into a hug that was as powerful as it was terrifying Toshiya.
"Dammit, tiger," Toshiya managed once he got Tora to peel off him. In any other situation, Toshiya would have been more than happy to continue this, but he knew this time Tora wasn't doing it for him. Hell, he had no idea what Tora was doing this for, considering Tora was the one always adamant in keeping things hidden, to the astronomical levels at that.
Pulling away, Toshiya noticed that the pair got up from their chairs, the woman looking at Toshiya as if he were some sort of a monster while the man seemed pretty much unreadable.
"Shinji, what are you doing?" the woman demanded, and Tora finally stepped back from Toshiya, managing to glare as though it was Toshiya who fucked it all up.
"Mom, please," Tora tried, hands flying through the air as though he wanted to press them to the sides of his head, but he never managed. No, Toshiya didn't feel his heart break seeing that. Tora, the stubborn, annoying, bitchy bastard looking so distressed he was breaking at the seams. Not even crying in front of thousands of people looked as horrible as this.
"Shin, is this the man who's been making you--" the woman started, but Tora practically growled.
"He's not making me do anything. No one is making me do anything!" he yelled, and Toshiya forced himself to look back towards the door that he obviously managed to close, though he couldn't remember when. Still, there was no way those outside weren't hearing this.
"Shin! You promised."
"And I changed my mind, I--" Tora started, eyes glancing towards Toshiya, seeking some sort of help, though neither of them probably knew what Toshiya could really do to help him. Except hug him again, but Tora didn't look like he'd receive it well.
"It's a set deal," his mother insisted, and Toshiya could see Tora squeeze his palms into tight fists, knuckles turning white. There was no way that this woman couldn't see her son, her very own child look as though someone was skinning him alive. How could she then, still demand in spite of it? "You promised."
"I never promised anything," Tora said, tone of voice so flat Toshiya felt his heart ache. It was obvious this was something that had been going on in circles for most of Tora's life, and the man at this point just didn't have the strength.
"Even if he did, nothing's set in stone," Toshiya interrupted, suddenly getting all the eyes in the room stuck on him. Not that it made him feel uncomfortable enough to actually stop. "He's a grown man, he has the right to change his mind."
Toshiya could see the disgust in the eyes of Tora's mother as she looked at him for another second, regarding him as though he was lesser than a bug before she turned her eyes back to Tora. "Is he the reason why you're being like this? Is he making you--?"
"No one's making me anything," Tora interrupted, knuckles turning white once more. His mother tried to say something, opened her mouth, but Tora was too quick. "This is me, don't you see it? This is something I'm doing for myself. Something I always wanted to do!"
"But this is just a band, this isn't real!" his mother was adamant, and Toshiya felt the greatest eye roll in all existence approaching. "Time to grow up, love. Time to finally be--"
"Stop it!" Tora interrupted once more, and my, did Toshiya feel proud of the tiger. "I am being a grown up. It took me this long to realise this is something I've always wanted. Why can't you just--?"
"This isn't what serious people do," she said, voice much louder, but still far from a shout. "What about us? What about your family?"
"And what about me?" Tora yelled, even louder than before. Yes, Toshiya thought, the guys on the other side of the door were surely getting their money's worth, though he had a distinct feeling they weren't really enjoying it.
"You're not being rational," she dismissed it with a hint of impatience.
"Stop telling me that!" Tora practically screamed this time, making Toshiya wonder whether people in the front hall could hear him by now. "I am being rational, damn it! I am being rational for the first time in my life!"
"But what about--?"
"But what about me? Me?!"
"Haven't we always taught you the real values?" his mom countered, and my, the biggest eye roll in human history was approaching with light speed indeed. Toshiya was at the verge of throwing the woman off a balcony. How the hell could someone like Tora come up from someone like her? And no, Toshiya wasn't even trying to be objective. "If you'd just listen to us for a second instead of these people who you keep calling your friends, then you'd--"
"Then I'd what?" Tora demanded, his entire body tensing as though he was a string waiting to snap. It was the sort of thing that would have made even Toshiya run away, but Tora's mother was obviously more stubborn than that. In any other situation, Toshiya might have actually been able to appreciate it.
"Then you'd finally realise we're doing this for your own good," she declared, gripping her husband's arm in reassurance. "You're already packed, why don't you just come with us?" She even had the audacity to sigh.
"And since you're in such a hurry, why don't you just leave without him?" Toshiya blurted out, his eyes snapping towards Tora instantly, searching for any sign of anger in the man's eyes. But all he got in return was the smallest flicker of a smile in the corner of Tora's lips. And my, did that fill Toshiya's heart with hope.
"Yes, I think Toshiya has a point," Tora said, still a bit loud, but already pulling himself together at remarkable speed.
"See?" Toshiya just had to, and my, did Tora's mother contemplate glaring, but she just didn't have it in her, so it seemed. At least not compared to her son, and Toshiya was more than used to that one anyway.
"This is a private family conversation," she decided to turn back to Tora instead. "Shinji, can't you make him leave?"
"I just wonder," Toshiya continued. He wasn't interested in idle threats and psychological blackmail. Those things never worked on him anyway. "What the hell constitutes as safe word in your family?" Not the brightest of questions, if Tora's glare was anything to go by. And by the heavens, did Tora glare. "I mean, is there any way for your obviously legally adult son to tell you he doesn't want to do it just because he doesn't want to do it that would make you back down?"
"Shinji." It was the first time ever since Toshiya had barged in that Tora's father actually spoke, and Toshiya pretty much felt all his ships sink as he saw Tora visibly shudder, needing several long seconds just to recuperate enough to actually speak.
Dirty tricks didn't work on Toshiya, though. He was just about to come up with something pretty juicy to break the old man's stone cold shell, but Tora obviously sensed something was up, and he quickly glanced at Toshiya who instantly smiled and offered, "Let's go, shall we?"
"No," Tora said flatly, his voice sounding so very sad. Toshiya opened his mouth to say something, but Tora was once again faster. "Please, leave."
"Tora," Toshiya demanded.
"Tosh, please." Tora sighed. "Just leave the room."
"I'm not going unless--"
"Toshiya," Tora's voice was pretty adamant, and Toshiya was surprised to see so much similarity with what he'd heard in the father's voice. But then that very same corner of Tora's mouth twitched again, and Toshiya felt himself relax, if only a bit. "This is something I have to do alone, remember?"
"Fine," Toshiya said, sighing, and damn there was a smile on his lips that he couldn't hide. So the kitty was growing a spine, and wasn't that just too adorable? "Do I get a goodbye kiss?"
Tora wanted to glare, that much was obvious, but his lips were practically trembling with the pent up need to grin. Good. Toshiya's favourite type of reaction when it came to Tora, so it seemed. It was enough. More than enough. Hell, it was even better than a kiss, so Toshiya just raised his hands up in defeat, giving a little grin of his own. Tora could pretty much read into his reaction and, knowing that he wasn't supposed to give one, he pretty much jumped into offering it, which made Toshiya's ego practically burst to the sky.
Well, if Tora's parents weren't foaming at the mouth then they weren't trying hard enough, but Toshiya kind of liked having Tora's lips on his own rather than actually bothering to check. And well, in case they didn't, squeezing his hands into the back pockets of Tora's pants was surely going to stop a heart or two. Unfortunately, it was also something that made Tora stop and pull away if ever so slightly. A perfect opportunity for Toshiya to make sure the tiger was feeling better than before. Sure, he was sad. More than just sad. But there was also that little spark of life in his eyes that reassured Toshiya enough to leave the room, because there was no way Tora would dare to go back to being that weak young man that he'd been before.
Good. And a very good time to squeeze that butt too, though that ensured Tora practically jumping away and glaring. Toshiya grinned probably as widely and goofy as ever, but damn, this was victory.
He contemplated offering a wink to Tora's parents, but decided against it. They obviously had far, far too much to digest without Toshiya adding some oil to the fire.
"I'll be waiting outside," he offered with what he hoped was enough warmth. Then he stepped out, back to the hallway where Tora's band mates were still sitting around and waiting. Though instead of listening in, they seemed to have been chatting about something, probably tired of trying to make something out of random bits of information that actually slipped through the closed door. Of course as they spotted Toshiya, it was all eyes on him once again. Were it not so sad, Toshiya would have been laughing. And probably offering to do tricks for treats, because these pretty men looked quite the type.
Not this time, though.
"You better still want him," he said, grinning. "Because you're pretty much stuck with him."
This entry was originally posted at http://sphinxofthenile.dreamwidth.org/135700.html.
Authors: _ice_lady_ and sphinxofthenile
Fandom: Alice nine, Dir en grey
Pairing: Toshiya/Tora
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: Do not own. Make no money. Mean no harm.
Summary: Everything was already set, his parents were waiting and all Tora had to do was pick up his bags and leave. It couldn't have been easier than that.
Warning: Hints of parental abuse and homophobia. Toshiya and his antics.
Word count: 4314
A/N: Our take on this. With just enough artistic freedom. And Toshiya. Always Toshiya. Part of a series which will never end. Ever.
---
Toshiya had no idea what he was thinking. Had someone asked why the hell did he even bother, he probably would have just smiled and shrugged. Besides temporary insanity, there was simply no logical reason for him being there, in a crowd of raving fans waiting for the doors to open. On second thought, he probably could have pulled a favour and gotten a backstage pass for free. Then again, he didn't know if Tora would be comfortable with so many people seeing Toshiya of all people wander around at an Alice nine gig. The rumours, they would never end.
Not that Toshiya cared much. But Tora did. Ridiculously so, in Toshiya's humble opinion, but he didn't want to upset the tiger any further. The concert, his very last, was going to be hard enough on the man as it was. Not that Toshiya was worried or anything.
In fact, if anyone asked, Toshiya was here for the sole reason of this being the very last concert Alice nine gave. Or at least the very last with its original line up. Maybe they would find another guitarist, though Toshiya doubted they would ever get a hold of anyone half as good as Tora. Or at least half as dedicated. The kid was a total workaholic, but it wasn't like Toshiya couldn't respect that one. Very much so, actually.
Once the gates opened the mass of fans (mostly girls, no surprise there) started flooding in. It was pretty damn weird, being in the crowd for a change. Toshiya lingered in the back, letting the other bodies carry him. For one last time he looked down at his hard earned ticket, wondering if he was really about to do this. Well judging from what he saw of the band so far, it was still pretty cheap for an almost two hour long show of pretty men groping on stage.
Even if the music sucked.
Inside it was hot and stuffy, but dark enough for Toshiya to be comfortable. Given his height he could see very well from the back, so all was well. Briefly he wondered what he might look like to these young people, but no one really seemed to pay attention anywhere else but the stage, and he quickly abandoned the thought. It only made him feel old and uncomfortable.
Then the lights went on in a blinding flash and the crowd went wild, shouting and cheering as the band members appeared on stage. Toshiya had to hand it to them, despite the fact that they were standing there with the knowledge that they ended here, they appeared to keep themselves in check just fine. Even Tora looked his usual self, gorgeous and stoic. The man was either holding up a lot better than Toshiya gave him credit for, or he had one hell of a good make up artist. At this point, Toshiya's money was not on the first.
The concert was like watching a train wreck in slow motion. As one song came after the other, the cracks started to widen. Everyone in the band appeared to be touched and the audience seemed to catch on. Some girls were holding their hands before their mouths, crying or looking like they were about to. Not like it mattered much. Toshiya had eyes only for the stage. Where yes, there was some friendly teasing, some more straightforward bits of fanservice, but all in all it was pretty reserved in comparison. While Toshiya personally wouldn't have minded a bit more spice to the show, he couldn't exactly blame his fellow musicians for not being their usual hyperactive selves.
Then there was Tora. Toshiya could see it, the effort it took for the tiger to keep his calm. He could only guess how it must have felt for the other man. Toshiya was lucky to make it with Dir en grey within the time limit he set for himself. They were lucky, all of them. They never had to think about a tomorrow without the band. And after so many years, Toshiya didn't think he even could. It was what they wanted to do, after all.
Just like it was what Tora wanted to do, but could not. Toshiya wanted to be angry with him. For giving up his dream, for caving in under the pressure... Toshiya saw too many talents disappear like that. And Tora was talented. Hell, even like this he was playing like nothing else mattered. A true musician through and through. But instead of anger, all Toshiya could muster was some rueful disdain at the world and a strange sort of sadness for Tora. Just as Kaoru often said, his sense of justice would put Toshiya in his grave, because the whole situation was all so... unfair.
Toshiya's eyes scanned the crowd, trying to catch sight of Tora's family, but he couldn't see anyone who could have fit the role. He could only hope they weren't heartless enough not to even attend. Not after he had seen the tiny invitation cards Tora made. Tora, who admittedly hated writing personal messages of all sorts with a passion.
They probably were up on the first floor or something. That had to be it.
Then suddenly his attention was grabbed again as the momentary stillness setting over the stage steadily broke and blew up into such a whirlwind of emotion that it was hard to keep track of everything that was going on. Their skinny vocalist (Shou, was it?) yelled into the mic, and all of a sudden the cute little one broke into tears, soon to be followed by half of the fans while the other members kept moving about like they were at a complete loss, which they probably were.
Except for Tora who was on the ground, doubled over and hiding his face. Toshiya didn't even notice when the man sank to his knees. The concept would have delighted him at any other time. This one sadly didn't belong in that group. Stunned, he watched as someone tried to shake some life into Tora, but obviously to no avail. All the band members were tearing up, running around randomly and hugging each other tightly.
Finally, Tora seemed to gather himself. At that point everyone seemed to be crying, and yet the sight of the tiger's tear-streaked face was like a wholly unexpected blow to Toshiya. Proud, sweet, bastardy Tora breaking at the seams in front of a hall full of people. Watching him stumble around the stage like a man without direction, Toshiya only wished he could do something for him. Like this, he could only hope it was all worth it in the end.
If only he could believe that. Whatever he was expecting to see, this was definitely not it. Then again, who was he kidding. Tora was just human too.
Not even waiting for the end, Toshiya decided to sneak out before the fans flooded the entrance again. The outside air was warm, but for a while it seemed almost chilly after the heat of the live house. Stopping under a light, Toshiya pulled out a cigarette. The noise from inside was tamed down but still very much present. He knew he should have left, but he didn't have the heart to just walk away. Then again, he had a feeling this was not the perfect occasion to congratulate Tora on a concert well done. Leaning his head back he blew the smoke towards the sky, watching it swirl against the lamp's light.
Well one thing was for sure, Toshiya didn't want to be around when the fans started to flock out. The less he was seen the better it was. Coming here was already pushing it pretty damn hard. The last thing Toshiya needed was to be recognised. Kaoru would be shitting kittens for sure. That could have actually been a rather tempting thought, but Toshiya just wasn't in the mood to mess around this time. Aimlessly, he wandered further towards the back of the building.
Apparently not even cigarettes lasted forever, and Toshiya actually contemplated lighting another, but that would have been the most pathetic of excuses for buying some more time to... well he wasn't sure, but it wasn't that important anyway.
The sound of a door opening and closing snapped him out of his thoughts. Someone came out of the building, fumbling with a lighter and a pack of cigarettes, seemingly unaware of Toshiya's presence. It kind of made sense, with the person probably accustomed to the light inside while Toshiya was cast in shadows. There was something familiar about him, and the moment the little flame lit up, Toshiya found his lips spreading into a little grin. The cute little one, what was his name...
"Hey, shorty." Toshiya stepped forward, obviously starling the other man who whirled around as if trying to determine where the sound came from. Then he finally noticed Toshiya and he dropped his cigarette in shock. "Sorry, didn't mean to scare you." Toshiya held up his hands with a chuckle. "If I would be into stalking pretty guitarists, I would be doing it better."
"To-Toshiya?" the cute little blond stuttered, covering up with a nervous, apologetic chuckle. "Sorry, I just... didn't expect anyone around." Least of all Toshiya, that much was obvious.
"Oh, please. If anyone should be apologising, it's me. Here." Toshiya flicked the cap of his pack open and offered a new cigarette, which the other accepted with a little smile and a quick thank you. Toshiya decided he could have another one too after all. It was just solidarity. "I'm so sorry, I know we've sort of met before, but your name is just eluding me at the moment--"
"Oh, sorry! I'm Ogata Hiroto. Very honoured to make your acquaintance. I know we haven't been properly introduced before--"
"My bad. Please don't worry about it." Toshiya smiled, and the two of them lapsed into silence. Blondie was obviously fishing for words, always changing his mind in the last moment and deciding not to speak his mind until Toshiya decided he didn't have the patience for this. "Oh, for the love of, just spit it out already."
"Oh, no, it's just... well, I just thought it was really great you came. I mean, I'm sure Tora will appreciate it..." Hiroto stuttered, and Toshiya would have laughed at the man's obvious embarrassment, had the words not been reminding him a bit too sharply why he was there in the first place.
"Have my doubts about that one," Toshiya offered with a small grimace, taking a deep drag of his cigarette.
"I don't think so," Hiroto added, offering a little too big of a smile with that. Toshiya had to chuckle, stopping only to finish his cigarette. "I mean, you came here and everything, you sure you don't want me to...?" Hiroto let it linger in the air between them, together with the last puffs of cigarette smoke.
Toshiya should have known better, but what the hell. He'd come all this way just to see Tora from afar, and one never refused those little things that fate offered. He shrugged. "Lead the way."
Hiroto's features instantly lit up, and the man turned on his heel, not even checking whether Toshiya was following him.
The inside of the hall seemed to be wrapped in a completely different atmosphere than the outside. Toshiya had had far too many concerts behind him to be more than used to the lazy rush so typical of the post show recovery. This, on the other hand, was nothing alike. Sure, there was a stillness there, quiet that could only happen after the show when everyone was tired and their ears were buzzing happily with the abuse of that hour and a half on stage.
Everyone was speaking in hushed tones, moving slowly and carefully as though they were afraid of making a sound that would disturb the tense air. Had Toshiya no recollection of what was going on, he still would have been able to guess something was amiss by now.
"Wow," he muttered, not realising that the words actually left his mouth until Hiroto turned around, looking a bit confused. Toshiya just shrugged, thought about asking whose funeral this was but he knew the joke was pretty damned tasteless. After all, Hiroto was part of that band as much as Tora was.
"You know, he locked himself inside the dressing room the moment we left the stage," Hiroto said, and Toshiya would have laughed had he not known any better. So much for Hiroto just wanting to do Toshiya a favour. The little bastard decided to do it the other way round. So it was Toshiya's job to pull the tiger out of it, or something similar. "Before I left, Shou's been trying to get him to unlock the door."
"And you think I'll have better luck," Toshiya continued the thought that was surely pestering Hiroto, and the man practically turned crimson under the artificial lights of the hallway.
"You can't blame me for trying," he said eventually, right after they took a turn at the end of the hallway. Toshiya could recognise the three men sitting on the chairs grouped around one specific door. Hiroto froze on the spot, and Toshiya wanted to ask him what was going on, but looking at those other three faces it was pretty damned obvious things weren't faring well. Not with the slouched shoulders, worried eyes, and everything.
Toshiya had no idea he'd been rushing to greet them until the point he was right in front of them, his heart beating faster than mere seconds ago.
"Toshiya?" one of them asked, and Toshiya could remember him being the drummer, but he'd be damned if he could remember the man's name. "What's he doing here?" the other asked, eyes seeking Hiroto's this time instead. There was no accusation in the tone, no condescending -- just plain old curiosity. Well, Toshiya couldn't exactly blame him.
"What happened?" Hiroto asked, completely ignoring the question.
"They're inside, his parents." Shou looked up from where he was slouched on the floor and Toshiya couldn't remember a time he'd ever seen the man look so crushed. Tired, yes. Creepy, definitely. But it wasn't the man's eyes that scared Toshiya this time. "Been ever since you left, and we kind of can't hear anything."
"Oh, for the love of god," Toshiya blurted out, rolling his eyes. With friends like these, did Tora really need enemies? He walked past them instantly, literally barging through the door that was luckily unlocked, though if it hadn't been, Toshiya's determination would not have been stopped as easily.
What did stop him once he found himself inside the room was seeing Tora standing there in the middle, looking a bit too much like a deer in the headlights, while an older pair was seated in one of the room's corners, obviously waiting for Tora.
Toshiya didn't feel like an introduction was necessary, but he'd be damned if he ever expected Tora to do something even remotely as crazy as practically jumping at Toshiya and pulling him into a hug that was as powerful as it was terrifying Toshiya.
"Dammit, tiger," Toshiya managed once he got Tora to peel off him. In any other situation, Toshiya would have been more than happy to continue this, but he knew this time Tora wasn't doing it for him. Hell, he had no idea what Tora was doing this for, considering Tora was the one always adamant in keeping things hidden, to the astronomical levels at that.
Pulling away, Toshiya noticed that the pair got up from their chairs, the woman looking at Toshiya as if he were some sort of a monster while the man seemed pretty much unreadable.
"Shinji, what are you doing?" the woman demanded, and Tora finally stepped back from Toshiya, managing to glare as though it was Toshiya who fucked it all up.
"Mom, please," Tora tried, hands flying through the air as though he wanted to press them to the sides of his head, but he never managed. No, Toshiya didn't feel his heart break seeing that. Tora, the stubborn, annoying, bitchy bastard looking so distressed he was breaking at the seams. Not even crying in front of thousands of people looked as horrible as this.
"Shin, is this the man who's been making you--" the woman started, but Tora practically growled.
"He's not making me do anything. No one is making me do anything!" he yelled, and Toshiya forced himself to look back towards the door that he obviously managed to close, though he couldn't remember when. Still, there was no way those outside weren't hearing this.
"Shin! You promised."
"And I changed my mind, I--" Tora started, eyes glancing towards Toshiya, seeking some sort of help, though neither of them probably knew what Toshiya could really do to help him. Except hug him again, but Tora didn't look like he'd receive it well.
"It's a set deal," his mother insisted, and Toshiya could see Tora squeeze his palms into tight fists, knuckles turning white. There was no way that this woman couldn't see her son, her very own child look as though someone was skinning him alive. How could she then, still demand in spite of it? "You promised."
"I never promised anything," Tora said, tone of voice so flat Toshiya felt his heart ache. It was obvious this was something that had been going on in circles for most of Tora's life, and the man at this point just didn't have the strength.
"Even if he did, nothing's set in stone," Toshiya interrupted, suddenly getting all the eyes in the room stuck on him. Not that it made him feel uncomfortable enough to actually stop. "He's a grown man, he has the right to change his mind."
Toshiya could see the disgust in the eyes of Tora's mother as she looked at him for another second, regarding him as though he was lesser than a bug before she turned her eyes back to Tora. "Is he the reason why you're being like this? Is he making you--?"
"No one's making me anything," Tora interrupted, knuckles turning white once more. His mother tried to say something, opened her mouth, but Tora was too quick. "This is me, don't you see it? This is something I'm doing for myself. Something I always wanted to do!"
"But this is just a band, this isn't real!" his mother was adamant, and Toshiya felt the greatest eye roll in all existence approaching. "Time to grow up, love. Time to finally be--"
"Stop it!" Tora interrupted once more, and my, did Toshiya feel proud of the tiger. "I am being a grown up. It took me this long to realise this is something I've always wanted. Why can't you just--?"
"This isn't what serious people do," she said, voice much louder, but still far from a shout. "What about us? What about your family?"
"And what about me?" Tora yelled, even louder than before. Yes, Toshiya thought, the guys on the other side of the door were surely getting their money's worth, though he had a distinct feeling they weren't really enjoying it.
"You're not being rational," she dismissed it with a hint of impatience.
"Stop telling me that!" Tora practically screamed this time, making Toshiya wonder whether people in the front hall could hear him by now. "I am being rational, damn it! I am being rational for the first time in my life!"
"But what about--?"
"But what about me? Me?!"
"Haven't we always taught you the real values?" his mom countered, and my, the biggest eye roll in human history was approaching with light speed indeed. Toshiya was at the verge of throwing the woman off a balcony. How the hell could someone like Tora come up from someone like her? And no, Toshiya wasn't even trying to be objective. "If you'd just listen to us for a second instead of these people who you keep calling your friends, then you'd--"
"Then I'd what?" Tora demanded, his entire body tensing as though he was a string waiting to snap. It was the sort of thing that would have made even Toshiya run away, but Tora's mother was obviously more stubborn than that. In any other situation, Toshiya might have actually been able to appreciate it.
"Then you'd finally realise we're doing this for your own good," she declared, gripping her husband's arm in reassurance. "You're already packed, why don't you just come with us?" She even had the audacity to sigh.
"And since you're in such a hurry, why don't you just leave without him?" Toshiya blurted out, his eyes snapping towards Tora instantly, searching for any sign of anger in the man's eyes. But all he got in return was the smallest flicker of a smile in the corner of Tora's lips. And my, did that fill Toshiya's heart with hope.
"Yes, I think Toshiya has a point," Tora said, still a bit loud, but already pulling himself together at remarkable speed.
"See?" Toshiya just had to, and my, did Tora's mother contemplate glaring, but she just didn't have it in her, so it seemed. At least not compared to her son, and Toshiya was more than used to that one anyway.
"This is a private family conversation," she decided to turn back to Tora instead. "Shinji, can't you make him leave?"
"I just wonder," Toshiya continued. He wasn't interested in idle threats and psychological blackmail. Those things never worked on him anyway. "What the hell constitutes as safe word in your family?" Not the brightest of questions, if Tora's glare was anything to go by. And by the heavens, did Tora glare. "I mean, is there any way for your obviously legally adult son to tell you he doesn't want to do it just because he doesn't want to do it that would make you back down?"
"Shinji." It was the first time ever since Toshiya had barged in that Tora's father actually spoke, and Toshiya pretty much felt all his ships sink as he saw Tora visibly shudder, needing several long seconds just to recuperate enough to actually speak.
Dirty tricks didn't work on Toshiya, though. He was just about to come up with something pretty juicy to break the old man's stone cold shell, but Tora obviously sensed something was up, and he quickly glanced at Toshiya who instantly smiled and offered, "Let's go, shall we?"
"No," Tora said flatly, his voice sounding so very sad. Toshiya opened his mouth to say something, but Tora was once again faster. "Please, leave."
"Tora," Toshiya demanded.
"Tosh, please." Tora sighed. "Just leave the room."
"I'm not going unless--"
"Toshiya," Tora's voice was pretty adamant, and Toshiya was surprised to see so much similarity with what he'd heard in the father's voice. But then that very same corner of Tora's mouth twitched again, and Toshiya felt himself relax, if only a bit. "This is something I have to do alone, remember?"
"Fine," Toshiya said, sighing, and damn there was a smile on his lips that he couldn't hide. So the kitty was growing a spine, and wasn't that just too adorable? "Do I get a goodbye kiss?"
Tora wanted to glare, that much was obvious, but his lips were practically trembling with the pent up need to grin. Good. Toshiya's favourite type of reaction when it came to Tora, so it seemed. It was enough. More than enough. Hell, it was even better than a kiss, so Toshiya just raised his hands up in defeat, giving a little grin of his own. Tora could pretty much read into his reaction and, knowing that he wasn't supposed to give one, he pretty much jumped into offering it, which made Toshiya's ego practically burst to the sky.
Well, if Tora's parents weren't foaming at the mouth then they weren't trying hard enough, but Toshiya kind of liked having Tora's lips on his own rather than actually bothering to check. And well, in case they didn't, squeezing his hands into the back pockets of Tora's pants was surely going to stop a heart or two. Unfortunately, it was also something that made Tora stop and pull away if ever so slightly. A perfect opportunity for Toshiya to make sure the tiger was feeling better than before. Sure, he was sad. More than just sad. But there was also that little spark of life in his eyes that reassured Toshiya enough to leave the room, because there was no way Tora would dare to go back to being that weak young man that he'd been before.
Good. And a very good time to squeeze that butt too, though that ensured Tora practically jumping away and glaring. Toshiya grinned probably as widely and goofy as ever, but damn, this was victory.
He contemplated offering a wink to Tora's parents, but decided against it. They obviously had far, far too much to digest without Toshiya adding some oil to the fire.
"I'll be waiting outside," he offered with what he hoped was enough warmth. Then he stepped out, back to the hallway where Tora's band mates were still sitting around and waiting. Though instead of listening in, they seemed to have been chatting about something, probably tired of trying to make something out of random bits of information that actually slipped through the closed door. Of course as they spotted Toshiya, it was all eyes on him once again. Were it not so sad, Toshiya would have been laughing. And probably offering to do tricks for treats, because these pretty men looked quite the type.
Not this time, though.
"You better still want him," he said, grinning. "Because you're pretty much stuck with him."
This entry was originally posted at http://sphinxofthenile.dreamwidth.org/135700.html.