The Beast And The Fairy -- 07. Killed By The Sun
Title: The Beast And The Fairy -- Chapter 07. Killed By The Sun
Authors:
sphinxofthenile and
_ice_lady_
Fandom: Buck-Tick, Der Zibet
Pairing: Atsushi/Issay... eventually.
Rating: NC17 altogether, though we're far away from porn.
Disclaimer: Do not own. Make no money. Mean no harm.
Summary: "I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure, which is: Try to please everybody." ~ Herbert Bayard Swope
Warning: A decade of UST. Adult topics like marriage, cheating, prostitution, coming out, mental disorders, drinking problems, abuse, parental issues and death.
A/N: Credits can be seen, in their entirety, here. Thanks to
chibipinkbunny for being awesome!
And then the curtain closes, to deep melancholy
“Aren’t I dead? Aren’t I alive? Searching for something…”
“Is it a lie? Is it the truth? It doesn’t matter at all”
I was killed
by the sun…
Before I could say
goodbye...
Killed By The Sun, Sakurai Atsushi
---
Yamagata, March 1990
It was hard to believe it had come to this. A few months ago they were dreading the future (if there even was one), and then came the Dome and here they were, catapulted to the greatest heights almost overnight and already hitting the road on a nationwide tour with the Flowers, their most extensive one up-to-date too. It was nothing short of a miracle, a pact with the Devil, a rope from above you just had to hold onto and never let go.
Everybody was in a soaringly good mood, so it seemed. Well, almost everyone. Atsushi knew he should have been happy. Okay, he was happy. No, he really was very happy. But there was just something that wouldn’t let him be. Worst of all, he had no idea what it even was. Easy enough to ignore when they were hard at work, during the lives, the nights out. Much harder when it came to the quiet of the nights, the breaks, waking up.
Or, as it was, long hours of travelling.
Sure, Atsushi had taken a couple of books with him (earning a few eyebrow raises, but hell if he cared), but at this point it was hard to even focus on what he was reading. Edmond Dantés' experiences of lifetime incarceration was resonating disturbingly well with this strange sort of restlessness. What Atsushi was feeling didn’t help one bit.
It was seriously starting to be ridiculous.
“Atsushi... Atsushi?” A chipper voice pulled him out of his thoughts, and he cast a quick glance at Yutaka squeezing himself into the chair next to him. “Ah, do I have your attention now?” The man grinned. Atsushi wanted to roll his eyes, but that would have been just mean.
“What’s the matter, Uta?”
“Exactly what I wanted to ask,” Yutaka beamed, holding up a pair of cans. “Want one?”
“Please tell me you are not drinking beer. Please.” There was still a concert to be had in the evening, and Atsushi felt close to panicking for a second.
“Peach green tea.” Yutaka cast him a look that clearly signified who the crazy one here was. Yeah, right. “So?”
“No, thanks.”
“Okay. So, what’s the matter?” Atsushi quirked an eyebrow, but then Yutaka smiled some more. “I’m not dumb, you know,” he started and Atsushi was kind of tempted to be mean, but decided against it. The only thing worse than a drunk Yutaka was an insulted, pouting one. And since the man tended to pout a lot when he was drunk and things weren’t going his way (which translated to almost always), no wonder most people ran away from him whenever he was drinking.
“I’m reading a book,” Atsushi decided to say. Well, it was partly true. Then again, he wasn’t quite sure how capable he was of lying if Yutaka, of all people, realised something was wrong. “In lieu of that--” Atsushi started, but Yutaka just smiled.
“What’s it about?” he asked.
Atsushi sighed. “A man betrayed by his best friend and lover, who then spends twenty years plotting his revenge.”
“Tough.” Yutaka whistled. “You think he manages?”
“How about I let you know once I’m done?” Atsushi asked, pointing to the book and the fact that he was barely half through.
“Sure, thanks,” Yutaka said with a smile. “Now tell me what’s wrong?” Yes, so much about being off the hook. Atsushi was tempted to roll his eyes, but again, he decided against it. “No need to lie,” Yutaka added. “I mean, ever since we started the tour, you’ve seemed a little... off.” Yes, coming from Yutaka, of all people. Atsushi was tempted to go and drink some cyanide, end this misery once and for all. “Do you miss Issay?”
Oh, gods. Atsushi was actually afraid of Yutaka pissing his pants once his eyes snapped at the man. Granted, he did visibly shake, so at least there was that. Still, Yutaka was back to his warm, smiling self. “Why would you... why would you even say that?”
Yutaka shrugged. “Well, we all kind of think you two are sleeping together.”
“We are not sleeping together!” Atsushi found himself yelling out, far, far too loudly, and suddenly he had the attention of the entire bus. Granted, it took everyone another second to start pretending they weren’t listening to him, but considering the sudden rather tense silence, Atsushi knew damned well everyone was now focused on one thing alone. The bastards. “Are you out of your mind? I’m straight!” Atsushi continued in a loud whisper.
Yutaka’s smile grew a fraction. “It’s okay, we’re your friends. We don’t mind,” he offered, even daring to pat Atsushi’s hand. A gesture that was greeted with a glare, and Yutaka knew better than to continue down that path. Focusing on his tea it was, while that obviously deranged brain tried to process what it was that the man actually did wrong.
Atsushi wanted to hit himself again. Yutaka always meant well. Granted, the presentation generally lacked, to put it lightly, but the man just wanted to help. “I miss the opera,” Atsushi decided to say then, sighing. Definitely not the answer Yutaka was expecting, obviously, and his face showed it. Atsushi couldn’t help but chuckle. “I know, it sounds ridiculous, but,” Atsushi chuckled again, “I just miss someone to talk to about these things,” he added, pointing to his book again.
Yutaka’s smile grew rather wide. “Oh, so you do miss Issay,” he said, somewhat victoriously.
Atsushi actually chuckled. “Bye, Uta,” he said, opening his book again and completely ignoring his companion until Yutaka grew tired and finally left to bug someone else.
---
They should have put a warning on the front door about this place. It was surely contagious. Contagious music, far too loud, contagious people far too young, dancing, smiling, having fun. Far too young, because while Atsushi was approaching thirty with light speed, these children had barely left their high schools. If even that.
But the drink was good, and nobody was bugging them, and most importantly, Toll managed to snag them a table before the crowd pushed in.
At first, Atsushi didn’t want to be here, because he was tired and a bit depressed, but two beers in, and he definitely started feeling the atmosphere. The only problem was, still, that the group of them combined probably had more years behind them than half the club.
Third beer in and that stopped mattering also.
It was probably obvious that they were rich, at least richer than people still living off their parents. Hard to miss that one, considering there were quite a number of girls keeping their attention on them like they were nothing but a pack of freaky animals on display.
Fourth beer and that stopped mattering as well. Eye candy, in the end; Atsushi couldn’t complain against such a number of scantily dressed girls having no issues showing off what they owned. At least he kept on telling himself that.
Imai had already pulled himself into a corner of their seat with a girl, probably wowing her with god knows what, not that Atsushi even wanted to think about that one. For some reason, as annoying as Imai could be, he obviously knew his way around girls. Hell, he knew his way around people, period, and there was a reason why the rest of the band generally listened to what he had to say.
Why did Hidehiko and Toll end up discussing work was anyone’s guess, and definitely nothing Atsushi wanted to ponder on. The sad fact was that he ended up being the only remotely available (and interesting, so to speak) thing to Yutaka, who wiggled his way through the seats until he was sitting right next to Atsushi, with that damned smile. Atsushi wanted to think it condescending, but Yutaka did not know what that meant, anyway.
“Finished the book?” he asked, and Atsushi rolled his eyes, yawning.
“Not yet, Uta,” he lied. He really didn’t feel like discussing all those god damned happy endings that he obviously had no right to.
“Wasn’t that something we were supposed to read in school?” Yutaka obviously failed to notice Atsushi’s glare. Then again, two beers tended to do that to the man.
Atsushi just wanted another. “Not in my class, you didn’t,” he said, downing the rest of his beer and deciding to actually use his new, annoying company for something. “Mind getting us another? On me?” he asked, squeezing a few bills into Yutaka’s hand, and then he could finally smile, happy that he had some sort of peace to observe the dancing floor. Gods, were these people young. And pretty.
And one of the girls obviously noticed his eyes on her, smiling once she recognised something she liked. As socially inept as he could sometimes be (because the world suffered from problems called people), he knew that people, especially women, found him pretty. Nothing he hadn’t used before, whether for sales or lives or just to charm that cute granddaughter of the company’s president, because they needed to do something no label alive would have let them.
He just smiled at the girl, nodding, and that was all that it took for her to lean towards her friend’s ear, whisper something, and skip down the dance floor.
“I didn’t know they let the geriatrics inside,” she said, taking up Yutaka’s chair and crossing those long, thin legs of hers as she snatched the cigarette from the table’s communal pack. Long, lean fingers, Atsushi noted. For some reason, his favourite.
His smile grew a fraction as he elbowed his head onto the wall, looking at the girl the entire time. “Kazu,” he said, extending his other arm for a handshake. “You’re cute, you know that?”
The girl grinned. He didn’t even know her name, but for some reason, he just knew that his evening was going to go well. She’d do.
---
Tokyo, July 1990
The release party was going nicely. Granted, it was a bit more stuck up and less like the typical ones they tended to have, but since they were celebrating the release of the symphonic album, Atsushi could very well just relax and enjoy himself. And use this as an excuse to be preened and proper and suited up nicely.
This had been another battle between himself and the rest of the band. Who the hell was going to listen to the symphonic versions of their songs? Worst of all, Atsushi refused to enlighten certain individuals of little faith, that this wasn’t a symphonic but a chamber orchestra that they’d booked.
God forbid anyone knew the difference, except for the company’s accountants.
In the end, it was all worth it. And thanks to their previous success with the tour and the remix album hitting the stores, Atsushi could insist they actually took the whole production to Europe instead of doing it here, which really took the cake. Of course, Imai, forever the responsible one, was shitting kittens over such an unnecessary expense. But once the orchestra started playing beneath the inlaid wooden ceiling of the Meistersaal, Atsushi knew this was the real thing that no new, high-tech auditorium or arena could provide.
And if only--
“Why, I thought this was a party, not a funeral.”
“Issay!” Atsushi turned around with a wide smile, feeling his mood lift instantly. “I was just thinking of you this second.”
“That’s very flattering indeed.” Issay chuckled, and damn, Atsushi had almost forgotten in all these months how absolutely beautiful the man really was. Or how much those smiles could spin Atsushi’s head.
“I was starting to think you wouldn’t come after all. Please sit, sit.”
“And what is the star of the party doing alone in a corner?” Issay teased, taking the offered seat and pulling out his pack of cigarettes.
“Ah, please.” Atsushi waved him off with a smile. “I was just thinking of Berlin. I’m sure you would’ve loved it.”
“I’m so sorry about that, myself.” Issay nodded. “To see all that... The cathedral, the Martin-Gropius-Bau, Alexanderplatz. Go shopping on the Kurfürstendamm. Listen to Schiller in the Staadsoper.” He shook his head with a thin smile, lighting up the cigarette. “But we are almost done recording, really not the best of times. I hope you did have fun, though.”
“I did try, not that there was too much time,” Atsushi murmured uncomfortably. But he really wasn’t about to tell Issay that most of the time he just didn’t care to go out into a city all alone that was packed with people who didn’t even speak a word that Atsushi could understand. Tokyo was bad enough, Berlin was closer to a nightmare. “But I did get to see the Aida by the State Opera,” he added and Issay instantly perked up, lips spreading into a wide smile.
“If you’re trying to make me jealous, you’re on a very good path,” Issay teased, and Atsushi felt his cheeks burn again. “So, liked?”
“Liked?” Atsushi shot back, grinning. “You should see the set for our next concert!”
Issay grinned himself. “What, the August thing?”* Atsushi nodded, just too damned happy to be able to impress Issay, of all people, that it didn’t even occur to him to ask Issay when he started to follow Buck-Tick’s career. “I hope I make it. If... you wouldn’t mind,” Issay added with something in his voice that definitely confused Atsushi.
“You’re always welcome,” Atsushi said, and Issay smiled. “Just... let me know, and I’ll snatch you a pass.”
“How very kind of you.” Granted, those words, no matter how designed they were for irony, simply didn’t sound anything like it. Issay was indeed... happy. Happy to see Atsushi sing live. Which, no matter how Atsushi looked at it, made his head spin. Issay, someone Atsushi admired, someone Atsushi in a way wanted to become, was actually looking forward to seeing him sing.
It made his head hurt. “Oh, god, I’m such an awful host,” Atsushi said then, rolling his eyes. “Anything to drink?”
If Issay noticed the absolute lack of smoothness in changing the topic, he didn’t show it. “No, thank you. Came straight from the studio, just stopped by the apartment to change. At this point, I think a glass of wine could do me in.” He chuckled, and it really wasn’t fair how it absolutely didn’t show on him that he had what was most likely a long working day behind him. Atsushi's guess as to where the man found the energy was as good as anyone else’s.
Atsushi was really tempted to say something down the line of still owing the man after that one drunken time in London, and not liking debts, but not like he would have done that. Ever. “I’m sorry for dragging you from your schedule. You should’ve just stayed home.”
“And miss the lovely opportunity to see you after such a long while?” Issay shot back in a chiding tone, but he was smiling too, so all was well. Perhaps aside from the fact that the all too familiar burn was back in Atsushi’s cheeks. Again. “Booze I can have anytime. Good company, on the other hand...”
“You are too kind.” Atsushi tried to fight the smile that was threatening to overtake his face. No apparent luck there. Not that it mattered all that much.
“More like selfish.” Issay took a final deep drag of his smoke before stubbing it out. “I really did miss our training sessions. I had so much fun with them.”
“Gods, I miss them too,” Atsushi found himself blurting out, and he instantly just wanted to disappear into thin air. Oh gods, when would he learn? Probably never. And now he probably looked like the statue of embarrassment, painted in blinding red. Well, at least one of them found it funny, if the amused look Issay shot him was any indication. “How are Naomi and the cats?” Yes, today was definitely one for smooth topic changes.
“They are doing well. Did you heed her message?” Issay teased, and if Atsushi thought he couldn’t feel more embarrassed, he was mistaken.
He remembered that night of the tour all too well. The note that Issay had left for him at the hotel reception, which came as an unexpected gift, about being busy with work and Naomi sending her regards. Oh, and a bit about how she threatened to make Atsushi’s life a living hell if she found out he was singing from his throat. And she would find out or so the message went.
Atsushi remembered because the next moment he was kicking out the girl he had picked up earlier and then stayed up writing until the wee hours of morning. Words that would, once again, never see anything but the underwear from the bottom of his drawer until he forgot they even existed in the first place.
“What? You seem so lost in thought,” Issay observed, lighting up another cigarette.
“She is going to kill me.” Atsushi forced a smile, but he had a feeling it wasn’t all that convincing. Unlike Issay, his strength obviously wasn’t in acting.
“Oh, don’t you worry, she’ll set you straight,” Issay gloated, and Atsushi could swear he never was closer to choking in his life.
“Oh, hi there!” Saved by the bell, or in this case, by Yutaka appearing from somewhere, beaming face with an ear to ear smile and everything. “I would offer my hand for a shake, but...” He apologetically raised his arms a bit, showing the two glasses he was holding. “But I just couldn’t pass by without saying hi. It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”
“Indeed, Yutaka, how have you been?” Issay smiled back, and for the first time, Atsushi actually noticed a hint of tiredness in that face. Covered up well, but there definitely.
“Fine, fine, thank you. A little bit tired, thanks to a certain someone here.” The man shot a playfully disapproving glance Atsushi’s way, obviously unperturbed by the daggers Atsushi was glaring at him in return. “Swear to god, neither of us is going to share a room with him. Ever again. Or a wall, for that matter.” Yutaka shrugged, breaking into a grin all over again. “Well, gotta get going, drinks won’t deliver themselves. Was such a pleasure to meet you again.” He beamed at Issay for one last time before disappearing into the crowd.
For a moment there was silence, and Atsushi felt like it was going to suffocate him. If only... At this point death would have been a mercy.
“Well, at least one of you was having fun, I guess,” Issay finally offered with a smile, but something in those eyes was suddenly making Atsushi feel like the lowest of the low.
“And you?” The mother of all topic changes that lacked any kind of smoothness, but Atsushi really didn’t care.
Issay definitely did, but he was too much of a gentleman to show it in any way, besides that little smile that escaped to his lips. Almost chiding, and carrying just too many things Atsushi refused to think about. “I really wish I could afford the luxury of just disappearing for a few weeks and do nothing but the things I love.”
“Oh,” Atsushi made the smallest of sounds before he focused on the ashtray, thinking whether he too should light one. “Seems like we’re reaching that point as well,” he added and Issay chuckled in a way that could only be described as bitter.
“I hope not,” he said, and Atsushi decided not to ask him to elaborate. Curiosity or not, it was only polite. “But anyway,” the man seemed to have cheered up in an instant, and Atsushi did look up this time, “wanted to ask you about your schedule for the next few weeks... Well, after the concerts, I mean.”
“Oh?” Atsushi asked in return, perking up a bit himself.
“See, since we’re almost done with the album, I thought about snagging Naomi for a few hours. If you’re interested, of course,” Issay said, and Atsushi lifted his eyebrows, not quite sure where this was going. “Ever since the Sound of Silence, I’ve been fiddling with the idea of a duet... I mean, it’s just a stupid thought, but...” Was Issay actually blushing here? Atsushi refused to even waste another second of his mind’s processes on that fact. Simply because the idea of doing anything with Issay was far more important, of course.
“Oh, god, I’d love to do that,” Atsushi blurted out, feeling so awfully embarrassed with his sudden outburst of enthusiasm.
---
* A Midsummer Night's Dream, which had a very Egyptian theme. You can see a couple screenshots here. There used to be a video available at YT, but the only one we've managed to track now is here. Which most likely, comes from one of Buck-Tick's Picture Product DVDs. Please, don't ask which one.