First e-wrestling-related thing I've written in three years
Scene: Early-March of 2006...a small room that is currently being occupied by six men, seated at a roundtable. Those men?
Black Quicksilver -- masked man and former fWo World Champion. Yes, really.
Mike Heftel -- man-child who is best known for his ability to make anyone's offensive strike look good. Sometimes TOO good.
Jackhammer -- 7-foot tall man who doesn't matter. WILL break your neck if he feels like it.
Texas Kid -- masked man from Connecticut. Former doctor.
La Parka -- masked luchador from Mexico. Communicates via shimmy.
And last but certainly not least...
SPHERE -- GOD.
"Okay men, you all know why you're here.", Sphere said, addressing everyone else at the table. If you'd like to have an easier time picturing where everyone is, here ya go:
SPHERE. Duh.
Starting from his left and going all the way around back to him: Parka, Heftel, BQ, Jackhammer, and TK.
And now back to our story.
BQ raised his hand.
"Yes, Quicksilver.", Sphere said, pointing at his rival.
"Um, I don't know why I'm here.", BQ told him.
"Yeah, me neither.", Heftel added.
Sphere narrowed his eyes at his two longtime rivals, before looking at his other guests.
"How about everyone else? Parka?"
*Shimmy*
"You're one sick bastard, Parka. That's why you're going to be my right-hand man for today. How bout you, Scott?", Sphere asked as he turned toward TK.
"Sphere, really. That joke's pretty old.", a not-too-pleased TK informed him.
"Well as long as you walk around with cowpies in your spurs that you claim are bigger than preliminary wrestlers who have worked for me in the past, you'll be Scott Hart, comprende?", Sphere told him.
*Shimmy*
"Yes, that WAS Spanish, Parka. Thank you for noticing!"
*Shimmy*
"Oh, you're too kind. Unlike this drink of water over here.", Sphere muttered to Parka while throwing a thumb in the direction of Jackhammer, who was reading About The Author.
"Eh.", was all Jackhammer would say as he waved his hand at Sphere, almost "shooing" him away.
"Okay, I'll cut to the chase.", Sphere told the rest of the table, ignoring Jackhammer's motion. "We're here because it's been just a little over two months since the fWo closed it's doors and frankly, I've grown tired of sitting on my ass all day fondling the breasts of many lovely women. Wrestling is in my blood...you know, right next to the complete and utter AWESOMENESS...and because of this, I NEED to somehow be involved with a professional wrestling company in some capacity. However, I'm not so sure if I should bring back the fWEo, what, with all our investors getting totally PISSED that this ass winning the Sphere Heavyweight Title at our last show damn near nuked the whole city of Beaverton.", Sphere said, glancing angrily at Heftel.
"Hey, I can't help it if the Bizarro World version of me is STUPID.", Heftel shot back, being completely unaware of the irony in that statement. Then again, it IS Heftel.
"Wait, we had investors?", TK asked.
"Yes. Their names were Sphere and Sphere.", Sphere told him.
"Wow. Same names as you? What are the odds?", TK continued, seeming genuinely interested.
"About the same as you being reunited with my backscratcher if you keep asking stupid questions.", Sphere told his one-time stablemate.
*Shimmy*
Sphere turns toward Parka, apparently having HEARD the shimmy.
"Well, Waru and T were supposed to be here, yes. I haven't a clue as to what's keeping them, though."
Cut to some road in the middle of...somewhere. A car has pulled over to the side, and a police officer is walking toward it. Shortly before he reaches the driver's side, he can notice the two occupants moving around in the car. He shakes his head and rolls his eyes, knowing full well that they just pulled the "switcheroo" trick. He knocks on the window, and it comes down.
Mr. T is sleeping...or at least pretending to...in the passenger seat.
Waru is sitting in the backseat on the driver's side.
Facing the back window.
"What seems to be problem, officer and/or ambulance driver guy?", the "masked" man asked.
Aaaaaand cut back to Sphere's meeting.
"So anyways...", Sphere continued, "...you're all here today to give me ideas on what we should do if I should start fWEo up again. I mean, there's always the chance fWo could come back soon and we could just take it over again gangland-style, but I like to think somewhat realistically. After all, we're talking about a company that employed a vampire, a talking child's toy from the 1980's, a janitor who would eventually learn to travel via portal-hopping, the King of Poland, a few bottles of soda, and Hans Krueger. Quicksilver, since the internet crowd hates you the most, I'll take your suggestion first."
"Ah, yes. The internet...the place where you're not allowed to earn everyone's respect and THEN win a World Title. Hmm...now that I think about it...how about we build a time machine or get that Rubix Cube or whatever and go back in time to before I won the World Title? You know, this way I...well...*wouldn't* win the World Title and kickstart the fWo's resulting downfall."
Sphere strokes his chin, then responds to BQ's suggestion. "While that does sound like a good idea, I believe I loaned my only time machine out to either Jon Crisp or El Janito. I don't know, I can't tell them apart sometimes. Either way...I don't think I'm getting it back anytime soon. And if I do, it'll be broken. And a midget might be stuck inside. Parka? You're the second coolest guy in here, plus you're Mexican...surely you have an idea that will make me money and require you to work alot for very little."
*Start-Shimmy*
TEN MINUTES LATER
*End-Shimmy*
"Parka, you have a BRILLIANT mind for the business!", Sphere exclaimed. "Unfortunately, the last we saw of Mecha-Godzilla, he was setting up shop in a small town in Iowa that he had just destroyed...and from what I hear, he's quite happy there. But there's a GREAT chance I'd be able to obtain the services of El Santo's ghost and have him do battle with Evil Smokey aboard a spaceship that I command and you pilot. And that love triangle idea involving Siren and Beef sounds intriguing as well, even if I've never heard of the other guy. What'd you say his name was again?"
*Shimmy*
"Ah, Codemaster, yes.", Sphere remarked as he scribbled on a piece of paper.
SCRIBBLING: Google Codemaster and fake Claire porn
MORE SCRIBBLING: seperately
Sphere looks up from his paper and turns back to Parka.
"Wait, Codemaster IS a guy, right?"
*Shimmy*
"Gotcha.", Sphere tells Parka, before drawing not one, but *two* underlines under "seperately".
*Shimmy*
"Oh, he's black? Hmph."
Sphere stares at the paper for a few seconds, then completely scribbles over "seperately". He then looks up and smacks the table, looking in Jackhammer's direction.
"Okay...Jackhammer? Ideas?"
"Nah."
"Dick."
Jackhammer shrugged and kept reading his book.
"Okay. Scott?", Sphere asked, turning to TK.
"I'm going to pretend you didn't call me Scott and tell you my idea anyway."
"And *I'm* going to pretend you're not an obvious virgin. Please go on."
"Well, I think our main obstacle in the new fWEo should be dealing with an army of the undead. Like, let's say, Senor Funpants gets bitten by one of my stray sewer armadilloes and turns into a zombie, then he goes around and starts making more zombies, and a handful of survivors fight valiantly against them, and just when it looks like things are over, Jackhammer comes in and totally saves the day with about fifty Pilebombs. I mean, I've been on the receiving end of many, I could only imagine how much damage one would do to a zombie....like, their head would probably fall clean off, and hey, no more zombie, you know?"
Awkward silence.
Jackhammer looks up from his book, then points to TK.
"I like HIS idea."
Sphere buries his face in his hands, and Parka leans over, placing a hand on his shoulder.
*Comfort-Shimmy*
"Oh, and of course, Mike would get turned into a zombie about ten times during the whole thing and no one would ever question how he keeps turning back to normal.", TK adds.
"Sweet!", a giddy Heftel exclaims.
"Okay, okay...", Sphere says after looking back up, and right before taking a deep breath. "Heftel...your turn. And I highly doubt this could be any worse than Scott's idea."
"Texas.", TK says, correcting Sphere.
"North Dakota.", Sphere says, quickly smacking TK in the throat with his backscratcher that he pulled out of seemingly nowhere, before returning it to said nowhere, all while never taking his eyes off Heftel.
While TK grabs his throat and coughs, Heftel launches into his sales pitch.
"Alright, here we go...the fWEo closed in April of 2004...that'll be two years next month. I say we come back next month and act as if FOUR years have passed, but we still refer to the return show as happening in April of 2006. During this time, everyone can just go nuts and say they beat this guy and killed that guy and held this belt and got elected President, and everyone watching will HAVE to believe them! Eh? EH?", Heftel asked, his eyes wide as he looked around at the entire table.
Everyone looked back, not saying a word, until Sphere spoke up.
"That is the absolute dumbest idea I've ever heard."
"Oh."
"How...just how does that make sense? NO ONE will like that idea. It's insulting their intelligence, and the last thing someone wants to happen to themselves when watching a fWEo show is have their intelligence insulted! Heftel, you're lucky my arm isn't as long as my penis, or else I'd reach across this table and smack you right in the face."
Awkward silence.
"With my hand.", Sphere finished, after noticing the silence.
Sighs of relief could then be heard from everyone at the table.
"Well, it appears as if none of the ideas I've heard today will work. Parka, as I said, yours was very good, but we currently don't have the finances to pull everything off. I might need to steal from WCW again. Jackhammer...you can kiss my ass."
Jackhammer simply shakes his head "no" while still reading his book, as Sphere quickly moves on, not even really noticing Jackhammer's non-verbal response.
"Quicksilver, I'll let you know if I ever get that time machine back. In the meantime, tell your tag partner here to get his act together.", Sphere says, pointing to TK.
"Him? He isn't my tag partner.", BQ tells Sphere.
"Sure he is. Isn't that Wretch?"
"I haven't teamed with Wretch in six years."
"Oh, so it IS Wretch, but he's just not your tag partner anymore."
"Well...he's not my tag partn..."
"Dammit, Wretch!", Sphere shouted, cutting BQ off as he turned toward TK. "Why the hell are you wearing a mask and done up in mostly white, which I should point out is the contrasting color to black, the color that Quicksilver most prominently wears, if you're NOT teaming with him anymore?"
"But...*cough*...I never...*cough* teamed with him!", TK managed to get out, still holding his throat a bit.
"Do you not perform a variation of the superkick?"
"Yes, but..."
"WRETCH!", Sphere shouted, pointing directly at TK.
"If...*cough*...I'm Wretch..then why...*cough*...haven't I disappeared yet?"
Awkward silence.
Sphere slowly raises the backscratcher up from under the table.
"Do you reallllly want the backscratcher to go to SOUTH Dakota?"
"Um...no."
"Good. There you go, Quicksilver.", Sphere told BQ, slowly lowering the backscratcher. "We can always fall back on the "former tag partners feud" thing...hopefully this time you won't KILL his career like you did Crisp's, though."
"Hey! I killed no one's career but my own!", BQ protested.
"Would you rather me bring back Primetime and feed you to him?"
"Gah, PRIMETIME? What year is this, 2000? Why don't you just bring back Mike Bear and Erik Kelly while you're at it?"
Heftel, upon hearing the name "Erik Kelly", began to convulse and fell out of his chair.
Jackhammer, upon hearing the name "Mike Bear" looked up from his book and shivered.
"Dear Lord.", the giant said aloud to no one in particular. "If the fWo ever resumes operations and hires Mike Bear I just may have to cheat on my wife for the first time."
Jackhammer goes back to his book as BQ looks down at Heftel...not to help him or see if he's okay. Just to be entertained.
"Hehehe."
TK coughs a few more times.
Sphere and Parka turn to each other.
*Shimmy*
"Yes, Parka, it very well could have been ALOT worse."
Black Quicksilver -- masked man and former fWo World Champion. Yes, really.
Mike Heftel -- man-child who is best known for his ability to make anyone's offensive strike look good. Sometimes TOO good.
Jackhammer -- 7-foot tall man who doesn't matter. WILL break your neck if he feels like it.
Texas Kid -- masked man from Connecticut. Former doctor.
La Parka -- masked luchador from Mexico. Communicates via shimmy.
And last but certainly not least...
SPHERE -- GOD.
"Okay men, you all know why you're here.", Sphere said, addressing everyone else at the table. If you'd like to have an easier time picturing where everyone is, here ya go:
SPHERE. Duh.
Starting from his left and going all the way around back to him: Parka, Heftel, BQ, Jackhammer, and TK.
And now back to our story.
BQ raised his hand.
"Yes, Quicksilver.", Sphere said, pointing at his rival.
"Um, I don't know why I'm here.", BQ told him.
"Yeah, me neither.", Heftel added.
Sphere narrowed his eyes at his two longtime rivals, before looking at his other guests.
"How about everyone else? Parka?"
*Shimmy*
"You're one sick bastard, Parka. That's why you're going to be my right-hand man for today. How bout you, Scott?", Sphere asked as he turned toward TK.
"Sphere, really. That joke's pretty old.", a not-too-pleased TK informed him.
"Well as long as you walk around with cowpies in your spurs that you claim are bigger than preliminary wrestlers who have worked for me in the past, you'll be Scott Hart, comprende?", Sphere told him.
*Shimmy*
"Yes, that WAS Spanish, Parka. Thank you for noticing!"
*Shimmy*
"Oh, you're too kind. Unlike this drink of water over here.", Sphere muttered to Parka while throwing a thumb in the direction of Jackhammer, who was reading About The Author.
"Eh.", was all Jackhammer would say as he waved his hand at Sphere, almost "shooing" him away.
"Okay, I'll cut to the chase.", Sphere told the rest of the table, ignoring Jackhammer's motion. "We're here because it's been just a little over two months since the fWo closed it's doors and frankly, I've grown tired of sitting on my ass all day fondling the breasts of many lovely women. Wrestling is in my blood...you know, right next to the complete and utter AWESOMENESS...and because of this, I NEED to somehow be involved with a professional wrestling company in some capacity. However, I'm not so sure if I should bring back the fWEo, what, with all our investors getting totally PISSED that this ass winning the Sphere Heavyweight Title at our last show damn near nuked the whole city of Beaverton.", Sphere said, glancing angrily at Heftel.
"Hey, I can't help it if the Bizarro World version of me is STUPID.", Heftel shot back, being completely unaware of the irony in that statement. Then again, it IS Heftel.
"Wait, we had investors?", TK asked.
"Yes. Their names were Sphere and Sphere.", Sphere told him.
"Wow. Same names as you? What are the odds?", TK continued, seeming genuinely interested.
"About the same as you being reunited with my backscratcher if you keep asking stupid questions.", Sphere told his one-time stablemate.
*Shimmy*
Sphere turns toward Parka, apparently having HEARD the shimmy.
"Well, Waru and T were supposed to be here, yes. I haven't a clue as to what's keeping them, though."
Cut to some road in the middle of...somewhere. A car has pulled over to the side, and a police officer is walking toward it. Shortly before he reaches the driver's side, he can notice the two occupants moving around in the car. He shakes his head and rolls his eyes, knowing full well that they just pulled the "switcheroo" trick. He knocks on the window, and it comes down.
Mr. T is sleeping...or at least pretending to...in the passenger seat.
Waru is sitting in the backseat on the driver's side.
Facing the back window.
"What seems to be problem, officer and/or ambulance driver guy?", the "masked" man asked.
Aaaaaand cut back to Sphere's meeting.
"So anyways...", Sphere continued, "...you're all here today to give me ideas on what we should do if I should start fWEo up again. I mean, there's always the chance fWo could come back soon and we could just take it over again gangland-style, but I like to think somewhat realistically. After all, we're talking about a company that employed a vampire, a talking child's toy from the 1980's, a janitor who would eventually learn to travel via portal-hopping, the King of Poland, a few bottles of soda, and Hans Krueger. Quicksilver, since the internet crowd hates you the most, I'll take your suggestion first."
"Ah, yes. The internet...the place where you're not allowed to earn everyone's respect and THEN win a World Title. Hmm...now that I think about it...how about we build a time machine or get that Rubix Cube or whatever and go back in time to before I won the World Title? You know, this way I...well...*wouldn't* win the World Title and kickstart the fWo's resulting downfall."
Sphere strokes his chin, then responds to BQ's suggestion. "While that does sound like a good idea, I believe I loaned my only time machine out to either Jon Crisp or El Janito. I don't know, I can't tell them apart sometimes. Either way...I don't think I'm getting it back anytime soon. And if I do, it'll be broken. And a midget might be stuck inside. Parka? You're the second coolest guy in here, plus you're Mexican...surely you have an idea that will make me money and require you to work alot for very little."
*Start-Shimmy*
TEN MINUTES LATER
*End-Shimmy*
"Parka, you have a BRILLIANT mind for the business!", Sphere exclaimed. "Unfortunately, the last we saw of Mecha-Godzilla, he was setting up shop in a small town in Iowa that he had just destroyed...and from what I hear, he's quite happy there. But there's a GREAT chance I'd be able to obtain the services of El Santo's ghost and have him do battle with Evil Smokey aboard a spaceship that I command and you pilot. And that love triangle idea involving Siren and Beef sounds intriguing as well, even if I've never heard of the other guy. What'd you say his name was again?"
*Shimmy*
"Ah, Codemaster, yes.", Sphere remarked as he scribbled on a piece of paper.
SCRIBBLING: Google Codemaster and fake Claire porn
MORE SCRIBBLING: seperately
Sphere looks up from his paper and turns back to Parka.
"Wait, Codemaster IS a guy, right?"
*Shimmy*
"Gotcha.", Sphere tells Parka, before drawing not one, but *two* underlines under "seperately".
*Shimmy*
"Oh, he's black? Hmph."
Sphere stares at the paper for a few seconds, then completely scribbles over "seperately". He then looks up and smacks the table, looking in Jackhammer's direction.
"Okay...Jackhammer? Ideas?"
"Nah."
"Dick."
Jackhammer shrugged and kept reading his book.
"Okay. Scott?", Sphere asked, turning to TK.
"I'm going to pretend you didn't call me Scott and tell you my idea anyway."
"And *I'm* going to pretend you're not an obvious virgin. Please go on."
"Well, I think our main obstacle in the new fWEo should be dealing with an army of the undead. Like, let's say, Senor Funpants gets bitten by one of my stray sewer armadilloes and turns into a zombie, then he goes around and starts making more zombies, and a handful of survivors fight valiantly against them, and just when it looks like things are over, Jackhammer comes in and totally saves the day with about fifty Pilebombs. I mean, I've been on the receiving end of many, I could only imagine how much damage one would do to a zombie....like, their head would probably fall clean off, and hey, no more zombie, you know?"
Awkward silence.
Jackhammer looks up from his book, then points to TK.
"I like HIS idea."
Sphere buries his face in his hands, and Parka leans over, placing a hand on his shoulder.
*Comfort-Shimmy*
"Oh, and of course, Mike would get turned into a zombie about ten times during the whole thing and no one would ever question how he keeps turning back to normal.", TK adds.
"Sweet!", a giddy Heftel exclaims.
"Okay, okay...", Sphere says after looking back up, and right before taking a deep breath. "Heftel...your turn. And I highly doubt this could be any worse than Scott's idea."
"Texas.", TK says, correcting Sphere.
"North Dakota.", Sphere says, quickly smacking TK in the throat with his backscratcher that he pulled out of seemingly nowhere, before returning it to said nowhere, all while never taking his eyes off Heftel.
While TK grabs his throat and coughs, Heftel launches into his sales pitch.
"Alright, here we go...the fWEo closed in April of 2004...that'll be two years next month. I say we come back next month and act as if FOUR years have passed, but we still refer to the return show as happening in April of 2006. During this time, everyone can just go nuts and say they beat this guy and killed that guy and held this belt and got elected President, and everyone watching will HAVE to believe them! Eh? EH?", Heftel asked, his eyes wide as he looked around at the entire table.
Everyone looked back, not saying a word, until Sphere spoke up.
"That is the absolute dumbest idea I've ever heard."
"Oh."
"How...just how does that make sense? NO ONE will like that idea. It's insulting their intelligence, and the last thing someone wants to happen to themselves when watching a fWEo show is have their intelligence insulted! Heftel, you're lucky my arm isn't as long as my penis, or else I'd reach across this table and smack you right in the face."
Awkward silence.
"With my hand.", Sphere finished, after noticing the silence.
Sighs of relief could then be heard from everyone at the table.
"Well, it appears as if none of the ideas I've heard today will work. Parka, as I said, yours was very good, but we currently don't have the finances to pull everything off. I might need to steal from WCW again. Jackhammer...you can kiss my ass."
Jackhammer simply shakes his head "no" while still reading his book, as Sphere quickly moves on, not even really noticing Jackhammer's non-verbal response.
"Quicksilver, I'll let you know if I ever get that time machine back. In the meantime, tell your tag partner here to get his act together.", Sphere says, pointing to TK.
"Him? He isn't my tag partner.", BQ tells Sphere.
"Sure he is. Isn't that Wretch?"
"I haven't teamed with Wretch in six years."
"Oh, so it IS Wretch, but he's just not your tag partner anymore."
"Well...he's not my tag partn..."
"Dammit, Wretch!", Sphere shouted, cutting BQ off as he turned toward TK. "Why the hell are you wearing a mask and done up in mostly white, which I should point out is the contrasting color to black, the color that Quicksilver most prominently wears, if you're NOT teaming with him anymore?"
"But...*cough*...I never...*cough* teamed with him!", TK managed to get out, still holding his throat a bit.
"Do you not perform a variation of the superkick?"
"Yes, but..."
"WRETCH!", Sphere shouted, pointing directly at TK.
"If...*cough*...I'm Wretch..then why...*cough*...haven't I disappeared yet?"
Awkward silence.
Sphere slowly raises the backscratcher up from under the table.
"Do you reallllly want the backscratcher to go to SOUTH Dakota?"
"Um...no."
"Good. There you go, Quicksilver.", Sphere told BQ, slowly lowering the backscratcher. "We can always fall back on the "former tag partners feud" thing...hopefully this time you won't KILL his career like you did Crisp's, though."
"Hey! I killed no one's career but my own!", BQ protested.
"Would you rather me bring back Primetime and feed you to him?"
"Gah, PRIMETIME? What year is this, 2000? Why don't you just bring back Mike Bear and Erik Kelly while you're at it?"
Heftel, upon hearing the name "Erik Kelly", began to convulse and fell out of his chair.
Jackhammer, upon hearing the name "Mike Bear" looked up from his book and shivered.
"Dear Lord.", the giant said aloud to no one in particular. "If the fWo ever resumes operations and hires Mike Bear I just may have to cheat on my wife for the first time."
Jackhammer goes back to his book as BQ looks down at Heftel...not to help him or see if he's okay. Just to be entertained.
"Hehehe."
TK coughs a few more times.
Sphere and Parka turn to each other.
*Shimmy*
"Yes, Parka, it very well could have been ALOT worse."