(no subject)
Hey Everyone,
I know I've been absent for a while, but things have been mental with me lately. I didn't realize that when I entered into this new life of getting healthy and beating my disease that I would also be faced with a plethora of issues that built up in the past 10 years. It's taken a huge toll on me, and many hours talking to some close friends, but I think I'm starting to move on. It was as if I'd woken from a 10 year coma in a way, and was having to relearn everything I should have known already.
As far as the health stuff is concerned, I've now lost a total of 118lbs. That's more than a Hollywood starlet I think. It's like losing Lindsay Lohan.
I feel so different, and it has been really bizarre to adjust myself into this new body. For the first time in my life I'm not the fat friend. I'm not the one that doesn't fit in. I can go shopping in normal stores, and fit into clothes that I want to. For the first while that I realized that I kind of went a little crazy and was firing in every which way. I just didn't know what to do with myself really. I wasn't focusing on any sort of goal, or any style, or anything more than instant gratification. And all the while as much as I knew I felt better, I couldn't get beyond "fat girl syndrome". I couldn't manage to get past the idea that no one noticed me, and no guys found me attractive, and that I was just the awkward girl in the room.
Any girl who's ever been overweight will know what I'm talking about with this. You just get into a habit of thinking that you just aren't a beautiful person. And when I was overweight all I could think of was "if I just lose weight, I'll be attractive"... but it's not that simple. Because even when you lose weight, you still don't think you're attractive. That "fat girl" mentality is carried with you, and you realize it to be low self-esteem.
It has taken me A LOT to try and see myself in a way that other people see me. I see myself in the mirror every single day! It's hard to be objective about your own face :) hahaha... But I've started to learn to appreciate myself for who I am, and loving who I am, and loving how I look, and knowing that's all that matters. I'm never going to be anyone but myself, and comparing myself to others doesn't help me to be a better version of myself, it only adds to the uncertainty of who I am.
That being said...
I applied for a job working in a stock photography agency today, so I'll see how that works out. Cross your fingers people!
I hope everyone is doing well... I wish I had time to go through and read all of your LJs all the time, but I'm just bogged down right now.
talk to you soon!
Kat
(oh yeah... and a picture of the ever-shrinking me... 118lbs since September 30, 2005... wow, right?)
I know I've been absent for a while, but things have been mental with me lately. I didn't realize that when I entered into this new life of getting healthy and beating my disease that I would also be faced with a plethora of issues that built up in the past 10 years. It's taken a huge toll on me, and many hours talking to some close friends, but I think I'm starting to move on. It was as if I'd woken from a 10 year coma in a way, and was having to relearn everything I should have known already.
As far as the health stuff is concerned, I've now lost a total of 118lbs. That's more than a Hollywood starlet I think. It's like losing Lindsay Lohan.
I feel so different, and it has been really bizarre to adjust myself into this new body. For the first time in my life I'm not the fat friend. I'm not the one that doesn't fit in. I can go shopping in normal stores, and fit into clothes that I want to. For the first while that I realized that I kind of went a little crazy and was firing in every which way. I just didn't know what to do with myself really. I wasn't focusing on any sort of goal, or any style, or anything more than instant gratification. And all the while as much as I knew I felt better, I couldn't get beyond "fat girl syndrome". I couldn't manage to get past the idea that no one noticed me, and no guys found me attractive, and that I was just the awkward girl in the room.
Any girl who's ever been overweight will know what I'm talking about with this. You just get into a habit of thinking that you just aren't a beautiful person. And when I was overweight all I could think of was "if I just lose weight, I'll be attractive"... but it's not that simple. Because even when you lose weight, you still don't think you're attractive. That "fat girl" mentality is carried with you, and you realize it to be low self-esteem.
It has taken me A LOT to try and see myself in a way that other people see me. I see myself in the mirror every single day! It's hard to be objective about your own face :) hahaha... But I've started to learn to appreciate myself for who I am, and loving who I am, and loving how I look, and knowing that's all that matters. I'm never going to be anyone but myself, and comparing myself to others doesn't help me to be a better version of myself, it only adds to the uncertainty of who I am.
That being said...
I applied for a job working in a stock photography agency today, so I'll see how that works out. Cross your fingers people!
I hope everyone is doing well... I wish I had time to go through and read all of your LJs all the time, but I'm just bogged down right now.
talk to you soon!
Kat
(oh yeah... and a picture of the ever-shrinking me... 118lbs since September 30, 2005... wow, right?)