Crack!fic: Tentacle-Rape and Other Sexual Fetishes
title: Tentacle-Rape and Other Sexual Fetishes
author: duck
rating: NC-17 // AC
summary: The Doctor wants to explore human sexual fetishes. Rose is only too willing to oblige until she figures out what they are.
author's note: You have to understand one thing: this is all nostalgia_lj's fault. Thread one, thread two, and then thread three, which us completely pwning the shit out of Doctor Who on fandom_wank and everyone should read it. Tonight was possibly the silliest fandom night of my life.
Rose had heard him stomping around in the wardrobe all morning, but it wasn't until he actually came into her room that she thought anything of it.
"Rose?"
"What?"
"I've been exploring the concept of human sexual fetishes lately, and-"
"I don't think I like where this is headed."
"Well, it should be headed to my bedroom, where you've been trying to get for weeks, so-"
"I've changed my mind. Fire away."
He pulled a grey jumper and plaid skirt out from behind his back and grinned at her. "I want to start with this one."
"Schoolgirl thing. Okay, not too hard." Rose reached for the clothes, but he moved them just out of her reach. "What?"
"I want you to promise to just follow along with whatever I say," he said, ducking his head and twisting his smile just a little bit. Enough to let her know she should probably say no.
"I promise," she said, making another grab at the clothes. He let her take them this time. When he leaned against the doorjamb with his arms crossed over his chest, she swung the jumper at him. "Out!"
"Oh, no. You're doing everything I say. And I say I stay."
"Following along and doing everything you say are two different things. Now out."
He sniffed at her, plucked a tie from his pocket, and tossed it to her. He stepped backwards out of the room without a word, but didn't bother closing the door or breaking his stare. She just rolled her eyes and slammed the door in his face.
She skived out of her clothes and into the new ones as quickly as she could, hastily doing up the tie without much effort at getting it right. She gave herself a once over in the mirror and frowned. This couldn't be a…
She stalked over to the door and threw it open. The Doctor hadn't moved an inch. "You put me in a Harry Potter costume?!"
He shrugged. "Seemed like a good idea at the time. Second best schoolgirl outfit the wardrobe had and all."
"Where's the first, then?"
He looked vaguely annoyed with her. "It's not what I want. Are you going along with this or not?"
She groaned and tugged at the hem of the jumper. "Fine. Lead on, Professor."
The annoyance disappeared as another grin, this one wider than his usual, practically exploded onto his face. He took her hand and enthusiastically tugged her in the direction of his own room. "First things first. You haven't done your tie up properly and you'll have to spend an hour in detention."
"That's not necessarily a bad thing," she said, wondering what exactly would constitute detention for the Doctor as she trailed behind him.
"You'll have an assignment to complete in the hour, and it will be graded afterward, so no slagging off on it."
"Can I get off on it instead?" She stuck the tip of her tongue between her teeth and gave him a leer, but he just looked confused when he turned his head to look at her.
"If you really want to, I suppose."
He dragged her into his room and thrust her in the general direction of a desk. She didn't get much chance to look around before he pushed her into the chair and set paper and pen down in front of her. "Now, I want at least one thousand words of hentai set in the Stargate universe."
She looked up at him, her lips crinkling in confusion. "You want what in the what now?"
He rubbed his forehead slowly in a gesture that clearly said he thought he was talking to someone so painfully backward that it gave him a headache just to contemplate her existence. Or at least that's what she always imagined he was thinking.
"Hentai. Animated or drawn sexual intercourse. Common on the internet in your time period. Stargate. A science-fiction show, also from your time period, which only pretends to be about both science and good fiction. Now write."
She gingerly picked up the pen and eyed the Doctor as he started pacing back and forth. Maybe he'd finally cracked up completely. He was muttering something under his breath about how "Romana would never had had to ask what hentai was" and she just let him go on. Eventually he worked his way into "even K-9 would have just spit the definition back at me" and she decided to try this task to which she'd been set.
She'd only seen a couple episodes of Stargate when Mickey made her sit through them, but that didn't mean she couldn't write about it. And since hentai was an animated…art form, maybe she should write a story about some of the characters watching it. Yeah, watching it and getting off on it. That should get the Doctor in the right mood.
She started writing with a level of enthusiasm that surprised her and in the hour had produced a story of significant length. She shuffled it over to the edge of the desk and watched the Doctor as he leafed through it. His eyebrows rose steadily higher and higher as he read along.
"Ooh, very nice," he rumbled. "I give this the highest marks possible. Have I mentioned I like the tentacle hentai? Because I think it's a very interesting subject."
Rose ignored him. "Right, can we get on with the roleplay now."
"But the tentacle-rape hentai subgenre alone holds any number of possibilities. All the forms of life that can participate in such a glorious-"
"The Daleks had tentacles, remember?" Rose interrupted, hoping to detract him from the tentacle porn. Unfortunately, all he did was look very interested.
"I hadn't thought of that, actually," he said, tapping one finger against his mouth.
"Oh, never mind, Doctor! Can we just get on with it? D'you want to spank me or something next?"
He frowned at her, obviously puzzled. "Why would I want to do a thing like that?"
"I thought we were roleplaying. Exploring human sexual fetishes."
"Well, sure we are, but that's such a silly fetish." He reached down and grabbed her hand again, using it to tug her over to the bed. "C'mere."
Now we're getting somewhere! Rose thought gleefully. She sat down next to him on the bed, still clutching his hand. He gave her a beatific smile and squeezed her hand back. Oh, this was going to be glorious!
She waited for him to do something, tell her what he wanted to do. But he just sat there, holding her hand and smiling at her. Seconds dragged into moments, moments into minutes, until she finally had to say something. Because there was only so much unnecessarily sweaty hand she could take.
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"We gonna do-" she made a shoving motion with her free hand "-anything?"
He cocked his head at her. "We are doing-" he mirrored her motion "-something."
"We're sitting on your bed holding hands."
"I shared a fetish with you, now you share one with me."
"Uh, sexual fetishes involve…sex usually," she said, wondering what exactly was going on. A look of comprehension crossed his face.
"Oh, I see," he said with a smile that was probably supposed to be comforting but just ended up looking condescending. He did that a lot. "My people don't have sex, Rose."
"You…what?"
"We don't have sex. We reproduce with something called a Loom. We're woven into existence."
Okay, now she was the confused one. "Run that by me again?"
"Oh, it's very simple! You see-"
"I've changed my mind; I don't want to hear about it. No sex. That's that." She tore her hand out of the Doctor's grip and headed for the door.
"But what about the tentacles, Rose?! I want to talk about tentacle porn and its effects on the human subconscious!"
She counted to ten, and then turned very slowly to face him. "Doctor?"
"Yes?"
"I hate you."
[the end]
author: duck
rating: NC-17 // AC
summary: The Doctor wants to explore human sexual fetishes. Rose is only too willing to oblige until she figures out what they are.
author's note: You have to understand one thing: this is all nostalgia_lj's fault. Thread one, thread two, and then thread three, which us completely pwning the shit out of Doctor Who on fandom_wank and everyone should read it. Tonight was possibly the silliest fandom night of my life.
Rose had heard him stomping around in the wardrobe all morning, but it wasn't until he actually came into her room that she thought anything of it.
"Rose?"
"What?"
"I've been exploring the concept of human sexual fetishes lately, and-"
"I don't think I like where this is headed."
"Well, it should be headed to my bedroom, where you've been trying to get for weeks, so-"
"I've changed my mind. Fire away."
He pulled a grey jumper and plaid skirt out from behind his back and grinned at her. "I want to start with this one."
"Schoolgirl thing. Okay, not too hard." Rose reached for the clothes, but he moved them just out of her reach. "What?"
"I want you to promise to just follow along with whatever I say," he said, ducking his head and twisting his smile just a little bit. Enough to let her know she should probably say no.
"I promise," she said, making another grab at the clothes. He let her take them this time. When he leaned against the doorjamb with his arms crossed over his chest, she swung the jumper at him. "Out!"
"Oh, no. You're doing everything I say. And I say I stay."
"Following along and doing everything you say are two different things. Now out."
He sniffed at her, plucked a tie from his pocket, and tossed it to her. He stepped backwards out of the room without a word, but didn't bother closing the door or breaking his stare. She just rolled her eyes and slammed the door in his face.
She skived out of her clothes and into the new ones as quickly as she could, hastily doing up the tie without much effort at getting it right. She gave herself a once over in the mirror and frowned. This couldn't be a…
She stalked over to the door and threw it open. The Doctor hadn't moved an inch. "You put me in a Harry Potter costume?!"
He shrugged. "Seemed like a good idea at the time. Second best schoolgirl outfit the wardrobe had and all."
"Where's the first, then?"
He looked vaguely annoyed with her. "It's not what I want. Are you going along with this or not?"
She groaned and tugged at the hem of the jumper. "Fine. Lead on, Professor."
The annoyance disappeared as another grin, this one wider than his usual, practically exploded onto his face. He took her hand and enthusiastically tugged her in the direction of his own room. "First things first. You haven't done your tie up properly and you'll have to spend an hour in detention."
"That's not necessarily a bad thing," she said, wondering what exactly would constitute detention for the Doctor as she trailed behind him.
"You'll have an assignment to complete in the hour, and it will be graded afterward, so no slagging off on it."
"Can I get off on it instead?" She stuck the tip of her tongue between her teeth and gave him a leer, but he just looked confused when he turned his head to look at her.
"If you really want to, I suppose."
He dragged her into his room and thrust her in the general direction of a desk. She didn't get much chance to look around before he pushed her into the chair and set paper and pen down in front of her. "Now, I want at least one thousand words of hentai set in the Stargate universe."
She looked up at him, her lips crinkling in confusion. "You want what in the what now?"
He rubbed his forehead slowly in a gesture that clearly said he thought he was talking to someone so painfully backward that it gave him a headache just to contemplate her existence. Or at least that's what she always imagined he was thinking.
"Hentai. Animated or drawn sexual intercourse. Common on the internet in your time period. Stargate. A science-fiction show, also from your time period, which only pretends to be about both science and good fiction. Now write."
She gingerly picked up the pen and eyed the Doctor as he started pacing back and forth. Maybe he'd finally cracked up completely. He was muttering something under his breath about how "Romana would never had had to ask what hentai was" and she just let him go on. Eventually he worked his way into "even K-9 would have just spit the definition back at me" and she decided to try this task to which she'd been set.
She'd only seen a couple episodes of Stargate when Mickey made her sit through them, but that didn't mean she couldn't write about it. And since hentai was an animated…art form, maybe she should write a story about some of the characters watching it. Yeah, watching it and getting off on it. That should get the Doctor in the right mood.
She started writing with a level of enthusiasm that surprised her and in the hour had produced a story of significant length. She shuffled it over to the edge of the desk and watched the Doctor as he leafed through it. His eyebrows rose steadily higher and higher as he read along.
"Ooh, very nice," he rumbled. "I give this the highest marks possible. Have I mentioned I like the tentacle hentai? Because I think it's a very interesting subject."
Rose ignored him. "Right, can we get on with the roleplay now."
"But the tentacle-rape hentai subgenre alone holds any number of possibilities. All the forms of life that can participate in such a glorious-"
"The Daleks had tentacles, remember?" Rose interrupted, hoping to detract him from the tentacle porn. Unfortunately, all he did was look very interested.
"I hadn't thought of that, actually," he said, tapping one finger against his mouth.
"Oh, never mind, Doctor! Can we just get on with it? D'you want to spank me or something next?"
He frowned at her, obviously puzzled. "Why would I want to do a thing like that?"
"I thought we were roleplaying. Exploring human sexual fetishes."
"Well, sure we are, but that's such a silly fetish." He reached down and grabbed her hand again, using it to tug her over to the bed. "C'mere."
Now we're getting somewhere! Rose thought gleefully. She sat down next to him on the bed, still clutching his hand. He gave her a beatific smile and squeezed her hand back. Oh, this was going to be glorious!
She waited for him to do something, tell her what he wanted to do. But he just sat there, holding her hand and smiling at her. Seconds dragged into moments, moments into minutes, until she finally had to say something. Because there was only so much unnecessarily sweaty hand she could take.
"Well?"
"Well what?"
"We gonna do-" she made a shoving motion with her free hand "-anything?"
He cocked his head at her. "We are doing-" he mirrored her motion "-something."
"We're sitting on your bed holding hands."
"I shared a fetish with you, now you share one with me."
"Uh, sexual fetishes involve…sex usually," she said, wondering what exactly was going on. A look of comprehension crossed his face.
"Oh, I see," he said with a smile that was probably supposed to be comforting but just ended up looking condescending. He did that a lot. "My people don't have sex, Rose."
"You…what?"
"We don't have sex. We reproduce with something called a Loom. We're woven into existence."
Okay, now she was the confused one. "Run that by me again?"
"Oh, it's very simple! You see-"
"I've changed my mind; I don't want to hear about it. No sex. That's that." She tore her hand out of the Doctor's grip and headed for the door.
"But what about the tentacles, Rose?! I want to talk about tentacle porn and its effects on the human subconscious!"
She counted to ten, and then turned very slowly to face him. "Doctor?"
"Yes?"
"I hate you."
[the end]