Blah blah blah
Today was the end of year / breakup celebration at the local water park. I bought 4 tickets hoping he and I would have repaired by now… As you may know, it didn’t.
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I’ve attempted to write this post 4 times and I can’t get it all out. I can’t type fast enough. Im frantically writing while losing my thoughts. I can’t keep up.
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Doing things alone will always be the hardest the first time. Today was the first time I Adventure Park’d alone. I missed his energy and the fun he created. Today I was sad, sad that this is the reality. Next time I’ll take control, make fun. But unfortunately it doesn’t change today and today was hard.
I am alone (partnerless), for the first time in my life. I was ready to walk away from my first marriage. This time I was not. I am so broken, I don’t even know who I am.
I miss being able to share and discuss the day. Unwinding with someone, cuddling on a deeply intimate level. I know my actions called to this. (Side note, I need to look further into why I was lashing out)
I’ve pushed him to be direct and blunt with me. I feel it’s the only way to get the truth out of him. I need him to share freely with me, want connection with me. It’s clear he does not. A hard truth to swollow.
breakups suck. I’m surprised by my own reaction. Desperate and lashing out.
I read one of my last lj entries since reactivating. It was at the end of my marriage. Uncanny (not) that I am here again. This time with much more carnage. I’ve made fires everywhere, out of control. I know there is something wrong with me. I need to identify it so I can understand myself and learn to manage it.
Also how you learn to forgive yourself for your wrongdoings? I’m not sure if I’ve ever learned to forgive. It would explain all the important relationships I have broken.
What a mess
Quickly before I leave. Good things today
- going down the waterslide with the kids.
- watching them explore and experience the park independently. Deciding what to do next and how to prioritise and plan
- I swallowed 2 mouthfuls of water screaming down the tsunami slide. Note to self. Keep mouth shut!
- Got lots of sun and went for a walk. I debriefed with a close friend. I loosened my hips and lower back
- hung out the washing even though it’s noisy and late. I hope I didn’t scare the sleeping kids. at least they will have clean and dry uniform in the morning
- I spoke with the neighbours across the road. I was open and had a really nice discussion.
- I got to meet my daughter’s friend. She was a cool chick. Good taste in music too. Happy she has good influences in her life
It’s 1 am and I have a huge week ahead. Goodnight x
-
I’ve attempted to write this post 4 times and I can’t get it all out. I can’t type fast enough. Im frantically writing while losing my thoughts. I can’t keep up.
-
Doing things alone will always be the hardest the first time. Today was the first time I Adventure Park’d alone. I missed his energy and the fun he created. Today I was sad, sad that this is the reality. Next time I’ll take control, make fun. But unfortunately it doesn’t change today and today was hard.
I am alone (partnerless), for the first time in my life. I was ready to walk away from my first marriage. This time I was not. I am so broken, I don’t even know who I am.
I miss being able to share and discuss the day. Unwinding with someone, cuddling on a deeply intimate level. I know my actions called to this. (Side note, I need to look further into why I was lashing out)
I’ve pushed him to be direct and blunt with me. I feel it’s the only way to get the truth out of him. I need him to share freely with me, want connection with me. It’s clear he does not. A hard truth to swollow.
breakups suck. I’m surprised by my own reaction. Desperate and lashing out.
I read one of my last lj entries since reactivating. It was at the end of my marriage. Uncanny (not) that I am here again. This time with much more carnage. I’ve made fires everywhere, out of control. I know there is something wrong with me. I need to identify it so I can understand myself and learn to manage it.
Also how you learn to forgive yourself for your wrongdoings? I’m not sure if I’ve ever learned to forgive. It would explain all the important relationships I have broken.
What a mess
Quickly before I leave. Good things today
- going down the waterslide with the kids.
- watching them explore and experience the park independently. Deciding what to do next and how to prioritise and plan
- I swallowed 2 mouthfuls of water screaming down the tsunami slide. Note to self. Keep mouth shut!
- Got lots of sun and went for a walk. I debriefed with a close friend. I loosened my hips and lower back
- hung out the washing even though it’s noisy and late. I hope I didn’t scare the sleeping kids. at least they will have clean and dry uniform in the morning
- I spoke with the neighbours across the road. I was open and had a really nice discussion.
- I got to meet my daughter’s friend. She was a cool chick. Good taste in music too. Happy she has good influences in her life
It’s 1 am and I have a huge week ahead. Goodnight x