Giving Back A Little
There's a lot of misguided and confused teens out there, and I know a lot of times all they're looking for is a little help and some answers to the questions they might be asking. Every now and then, I get letters from teens who are just discovering their puberty and getting some scary feelings. I just wanted to take some time out to help provide some answers for the questions they might have.
Here's one from a girl writing from Salt Lake City Mississippi, she asks:
Dear Jolly,
I want to save myself for my husband because I will know for DEFINITE that he will never leave me and that he really, really does love me. But I can't help but feel like the various men I've been with might be the right one! How do I know that I'm not passing up a potentially fun sexual experience?
Sincerely,
Holly McMeatqueen
Dear Meat Queen,
Your concern about multiple pre-marital partners is understandable, during puberty our lust swells like a balloon filled with yeast. No offense dear, but how naive could you be to actually believe that your husband isn't going to just leave you when your fuckhole turns to rubber after popping out one too many unwanted parasites?! Keep in mind that 50% of marriages end in divorce, 30% in suicide, and the other 20% ends in homicide. If your having problems with loving more then one person in your teenage years, your gonna have to make a choice, your either gonna have to lie about who you've slept with, or try to replace your sexual vices with something more chic, like drinking or gambling. I mean, you wouldn't want to be known as the class slut amongst your female peers would you? But who wouldn't want to hang out with the most drinkingest party girl in the whole high school?!
With a creepy kind of love,
Jolly The Octopus
With that out of the way, heres one from Jacksonville, New Mexico
Dear Jolly,
I know that contraception is a sin, but my best friend tells me that I shouldn't worry about it once my BOYF knows the "withdrawal method". However, my dad said that it takes a lot of 'experience' to get it right...i want to trust he knows what he's talking about when it comes to that. But i'm having trouble deciding who I should listen to? What's the worst thing that could happen if by accident my BF did "ejacumalate" inside me? The health teacher says, it could lead to aids or unwanted pregnancy, but I know my BF is clean, and we would accept any child the lord might give us. Should I just not worry then?
Please help me Jolly, my boyfriend says he'll hit me if I don't give it up to him soon.
Sincerely,
Tara "Where's the cream filling" Houston
Dear Tara,
Im gonna guess that your dad was either piss drunk during your conception or he's just lying to scare you. The "pull out" method isn't all that hard to learn. Most guys know when they're gonna blow their load. They should pull out during this time and just jerk off on the chicks boobs. Don't worry about all that "pre-cum" crap that they're might try to feed you. I mean do you really believe that some microscopic dribble of cum is gonna find its way into your uterus without a bunch of friends to help it there? Get real, girl!!!
Worse case scenario, your boyfriend is retarded and he squirts inside of you, there's really nothing to worry about. AIDS takes at least like 10 years to kill you, and who really wants to live that long anyway. And pregnancy is a curable ailment. As for all the other diseases, theres make-up for that, and think of all the guys who called you fat when you were little, what better way to get back at them then giving them syphilis the next time you pass out at one of their keggers.
Your sassy black friend,
Jolly The Cookiepus
And finally, we end with a letter from Woodbridge, Nevada.
Naomi Butterknockers writes:
Dear Jolly,
I listened to your advice on to how to raise money for the abortion, but im afraid my parent's might be catching on! Mom started hiding the money shes saving to pay for our little sister's chemotherapy and I can't find it anywhere! I'm worried that she might know that i've been taking money from it. I'm also really starting to get second thoughts about this, my pastour told me that abortion is murder and that jesus wouldn't possibly forgive me if I went through with it? What am I to do?! Please hurry, theres only about a month left before this abortion turns to pre-natal garabage disposal!
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Should Have Thought Twice About Accepting A "Chill Pill" From A Random Drunken Frat Boy
Dear Victim,
As for the stealing money from your parents, yeah perhaps its getting too risky. You might have one of those anal parents that would call the cops if they caught you. You probably want to go with something thats more reliable and will fetch you more money in a shorter amount of time, like prostitution or drug dealing. I mean at least you could say you earned it this way. Just remember that they have to tell you that there a cop if you ask, otherwise it's entrapment.
And the actual abortion, don't worry about it. Should you really be listening to the same old pervert that probably jerked off your boyfriend in the confession booth 10 years ago? I mean whats worse a dead baby, or a baby thats going to have to live with an alcoholic mother whos never there cause she's to busy whoring herself in front of the local retirement home, so she can get enough cash for a bottle of Wild Turkey and a bucket of chicken? Neither of wich she has any intention of sharing with her neglected child. Might as well end its suffering now. It's not like you can't just make another one later.
With a kind but unsettling smile,
Jolly The Octoroc
Well, thats all the questions I'm willing to answer today. Everyone else is going to have to wait.
If you or your friends have any questions about life, please feel free to write us at extraspecialhoney@ gmail.com. Your problems might be made public here!
Until next time, It's only a sin if you regret it! LIVE FAST! DIE YOUNG!
Here's one from a girl writing from Salt Lake City Mississippi, she asks:
Dear Jolly,
I want to save myself for my husband because I will know for DEFINITE that he will never leave me and that he really, really does love me. But I can't help but feel like the various men I've been with might be the right one! How do I know that I'm not passing up a potentially fun sexual experience?
Sincerely,
Holly McMeatqueen
Dear Meat Queen,
Your concern about multiple pre-marital partners is understandable, during puberty our lust swells like a balloon filled with yeast. No offense dear, but how naive could you be to actually believe that your husband isn't going to just leave you when your fuckhole turns to rubber after popping out one too many unwanted parasites?! Keep in mind that 50% of marriages end in divorce, 30% in suicide, and the other 20% ends in homicide. If your having problems with loving more then one person in your teenage years, your gonna have to make a choice, your either gonna have to lie about who you've slept with, or try to replace your sexual vices with something more chic, like drinking or gambling. I mean, you wouldn't want to be known as the class slut amongst your female peers would you? But who wouldn't want to hang out with the most drinkingest party girl in the whole high school?!
With a creepy kind of love,
Jolly The Octopus
With that out of the way, heres one from Jacksonville, New Mexico
Dear Jolly,
I know that contraception is a sin, but my best friend tells me that I shouldn't worry about it once my BOYF knows the "withdrawal method". However, my dad said that it takes a lot of 'experience' to get it right...i want to trust he knows what he's talking about when it comes to that. But i'm having trouble deciding who I should listen to? What's the worst thing that could happen if by accident my BF did "ejacumalate" inside me? The health teacher says, it could lead to aids or unwanted pregnancy, but I know my BF is clean, and we would accept any child the lord might give us. Should I just not worry then?
Please help me Jolly, my boyfriend says he'll hit me if I don't give it up to him soon.
Sincerely,
Tara "Where's the cream filling" Houston
Dear Tara,
Im gonna guess that your dad was either piss drunk during your conception or he's just lying to scare you. The "pull out" method isn't all that hard to learn. Most guys know when they're gonna blow their load. They should pull out during this time and just jerk off on the chicks boobs. Don't worry about all that "pre-cum" crap that they're might try to feed you. I mean do you really believe that some microscopic dribble of cum is gonna find its way into your uterus without a bunch of friends to help it there? Get real, girl!!!
Worse case scenario, your boyfriend is retarded and he squirts inside of you, there's really nothing to worry about. AIDS takes at least like 10 years to kill you, and who really wants to live that long anyway. And pregnancy is a curable ailment. As for all the other diseases, theres make-up for that, and think of all the guys who called you fat when you were little, what better way to get back at them then giving them syphilis the next time you pass out at one of their keggers.
Your sassy black friend,
Jolly The Cookiepus
And finally, we end with a letter from Woodbridge, Nevada.
Naomi Butterknockers writes:
Dear Jolly,
I listened to your advice on to how to raise money for the abortion, but im afraid my parent's might be catching on! Mom started hiding the money shes saving to pay for our little sister's chemotherapy and I can't find it anywhere! I'm worried that she might know that i've been taking money from it. I'm also really starting to get second thoughts about this, my pastour told me that abortion is murder and that jesus wouldn't possibly forgive me if I went through with it? What am I to do?! Please hurry, theres only about a month left before this abortion turns to pre-natal garabage disposal!
Sincerely,
The Girl Who Should Have Thought Twice About Accepting A "Chill Pill" From A Random Drunken Frat Boy
Dear Victim,
As for the stealing money from your parents, yeah perhaps its getting too risky. You might have one of those anal parents that would call the cops if they caught you. You probably want to go with something thats more reliable and will fetch you more money in a shorter amount of time, like prostitution or drug dealing. I mean at least you could say you earned it this way. Just remember that they have to tell you that there a cop if you ask, otherwise it's entrapment.
And the actual abortion, don't worry about it. Should you really be listening to the same old pervert that probably jerked off your boyfriend in the confession booth 10 years ago? I mean whats worse a dead baby, or a baby thats going to have to live with an alcoholic mother whos never there cause she's to busy whoring herself in front of the local retirement home, so she can get enough cash for a bottle of Wild Turkey and a bucket of chicken? Neither of wich she has any intention of sharing with her neglected child. Might as well end its suffering now. It's not like you can't just make another one later.
With a kind but unsettling smile,
Jolly The Octoroc
Well, thats all the questions I'm willing to answer today. Everyone else is going to have to wait.
If you or your friends have any questions about life, please feel free to write us at extraspecialhoney@ gmail.com. Your problems might be made public here!
Until next time, It's only a sin if you regret it! LIVE FAST! DIE YOUNG!