Like A Rainbow In The Dark
Whenever I stay up for a long time and im alone. Its like I can feel flowers blooming in my brain. And but for a few fleeting hours I almost start to not hate everything. It makes me want to put the razor blade down for a moment and smile, about something.
Its like my maternal instinct kicking in or something. I want to hold all the people I love and make it so that they dont get hurt or feel bad. I actually want to protect them and guide them. Rather then bring them down into my world of drugged up misery and hopelessness.
I wish I could look the way that I feel during these moments. Sort of like the radiant White Crow that is the counterpart to the Black Swan. I'd like to actually be able to instill feelings of admiration and joy in the people that I love. Rather then just disgust and sympathy.
I don't really want to be the pill popping, alky, stoner waste of life that everyone sees me as. I want to hang out with my straight edge friends and play cards, drink soda and listen to Weird Al. I miss being a little dorky video game playing nerd who wouldnt even take a sip of Budweiser.
I wanna be the person I was when I was 15. Minus all the swastikas. I'll keep the inverted crosses and pentagrams though, Since Satan Is Love. And evil never hurt anyone.
I just know that as soon as I fall asleep and wake up tomorrow, my brain will have shut off again. And its back to wasting my life on this stupid computer then going out at night to get drunk and come home bitter and wasted, like I do every fucking night.
But what can you do. Right now, im not sad. Im okay, and thats actually a lot coming from me. 99% of the time the only reason im not trying to hang myself is that im keeping myself distracted from thinking of all the reasons my life is completely pointless. I guess now im to delirious to realize that.
Gosh Bless Delirium, maybe one day it will set me free.
Until then.........
Its like my maternal instinct kicking in or something. I want to hold all the people I love and make it so that they dont get hurt or feel bad. I actually want to protect them and guide them. Rather then bring them down into my world of drugged up misery and hopelessness.
I wish I could look the way that I feel during these moments. Sort of like the radiant White Crow that is the counterpart to the Black Swan. I'd like to actually be able to instill feelings of admiration and joy in the people that I love. Rather then just disgust and sympathy.
I don't really want to be the pill popping, alky, stoner waste of life that everyone sees me as. I want to hang out with my straight edge friends and play cards, drink soda and listen to Weird Al. I miss being a little dorky video game playing nerd who wouldnt even take a sip of Budweiser.
I wanna be the person I was when I was 15. Minus all the swastikas. I'll keep the inverted crosses and pentagrams though, Since Satan Is Love. And evil never hurt anyone.
I just know that as soon as I fall asleep and wake up tomorrow, my brain will have shut off again. And its back to wasting my life on this stupid computer then going out at night to get drunk and come home bitter and wasted, like I do every fucking night.
But what can you do. Right now, im not sad. Im okay, and thats actually a lot coming from me. 99% of the time the only reason im not trying to hang myself is that im keeping myself distracted from thinking of all the reasons my life is completely pointless. I guess now im to delirious to realize that.
Gosh Bless Delirium, maybe one day it will set me free.
Until then.........