The funny thing about that is I'm sleeping right now
Life has been crazy for me lately. Not in the sense that a lot is going on around me, but more that there is so much going on inside of my brain. I've reached this point many times before yet I never seem to do anything about it, which is really frustrating. So here it goes.. Work has become hell to me, not for any one reason, but many small ones. Make no mistake I still enjoy a challange and I am still told that I am doing better than most who came before me. I just feel like I have no support and without that support I'm trying to hold up too much weight.. which means soon my knees will buckle and I'll be crushed beneath the very thing I was trying to fix. (This also applies to many other things in my life but I'll wait to get into that.) On top of all of this my mind has begun the isn't there more out there. Some greater purpose in life should it be helping the less fortunate or being on the cutting edge of something truly amazing. I'm 19 and I run a KFC... When I think about it like that yeah thats a pretty decent accomplishment. Then I think when I'm 29, what then? Will I be running a KFC/Taco Bell, an Area Director, or something that makes a greater impact on this world than just serving chicken and shooting the shit with strangers. I want to go back to school, but then I don't, why go back to school if I Can't even say what I want to do. Why loose the money I'm making now (Its not bad), why only work for money shouldn't I enjoy my job a little bit. I do enjoy my job though, or I did, so is this just a bad time or is this a permenant feeling, how longs should I wait around to see, a month? a year? I want to move out, I don't want to be one of those 21 year old guys living in his parnets house (this also ties into other things). I'm finacially secure enough to do it, but what town, should I live alone find a room mate? if yes that someone I know? if yes then who? Then the big one, I'm not getting any younger. I want a meaningful relationship, be it a great 20 year friendship or a 20 year marrage. I just want to feel that there is someone important enough to me that I will always be there for them, and to feel the security that comes in knowing that person will always be there for me. However this is a hard task when you 1. Work 45-60 hours a week at kfc (not including all the take home work and phone calls about stupid shit) 2. Live at home (What girl falls for a guy who takes her back to his parents house) 3. Have so much stress about so much shit that all you want to do is sleep in your free time, and you feel as though you could just explode and be a complete asshole at any moment for no good reason due to the fact that your constantly being asked questions this or that? these or those? yes or no? To top the whole cake when you do get a moment of peace you have all of these internal battles that are being waged over your heart, your brain, your stomach. A war so fierce the very shockwaves of it leave you in a constant feeling of sickness that makes you want to jump out a window. This fight goes all day and all night. About the things above and the people I know. I never know what to do. Im only 19 but Im already 19. Can't you see? I need something I just dont know what that something is. I am really planning on a trip to Europe this spring or summer though. I will probably go alone I think that will give me some time to straighten shit out. Just away from everything. I love and I hate being alone. Does that mean I'm crazy? or am I just never going to be happy or satisfied rather. No I think I love being alone because when I'm alone I can... think about whatever I want. Maybe not I think it is more than likely that there is something very wrong in my brain, which also lowers that chances of finding someone. Oh well. Life will be what it is and I will continue to breath just to live until one day when I finally figure all of this shit out or I die. Wow is it just me or did this whole thing just remind you of an emo kid joke? shit I better go do some super non emo shit so I dont become one of those things. Also I was thinking about cutting my hair but I'm so on the fence on that one its insane. BUDBWONDIOWND IWHBYD. P.S. this is just a small taste of what goes on in my brain every 15 minutes, does this seem odd to anyone?