(no subject)
This is something I wrote a while ago. I don't know why I'm putting it here, mostly because I haven't used livejournal for a really long time, and also because I don't even know if anyone ELSE still uses it (besides a couple people who post regularly). Anyway, it was called "We often don't know."
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When I was a little kid, I was awake one night in my room. I don't know exactly what I was thinking about or why, but I eventually ran up to my mom's room crying, woke her up, and said, "I don't want to die!" I've always been "wise beyond my years," in the sense that I'm more "life-intelligent" than most people, if you know what I mean. Even when I was a little kid, I remember being much more mature in mind, even more so than a lot of adults seem to be these days. I had real thoughts, real considerations, real cares... and when that night happened where I ran to my mom crying, I really was afraid of death. Pretty serious thing to be worrying about for a little kid, huh?
"Koppel on Discovery: Living With Cancer" is on right now. It caught my attention as I was finally doing some correspondence homework, and I had to set it down and watch.
No, I've never had cancer, obviously. But it already scares me, a lot. I had a daydream. Specifically... I'm diagnosed with cancer. I go through an initial shock and breakdown phase for either hours or days, or however long. I haven't told anyone. The only people that know are my parents and family, and the doctors. The most important person in my life right now and hopefully for the rest of my life is Shea. In this daydream, we get together to spend time with each other, as always. We're at my house, sitting in my room, watching TV or something. All of the sudden, I turn it off and look at her. She doesn't know what's going on. She has no idea what I'm about to tell her. "Shea.. there's something I need to talk to you about," I say, as I can start to feel my throat closing up because I'm about to cry my eyes out. I can see the worried look on her face, mostly onset by confusion and sensing my worried tone. "I don't know how to tell you this. I never imagined something like this happening… I don't think anyone does." And she says, anxiously wanting me to spit it out, "would you just tell me already?"
I hear her voice shake as that sentence is finished. She's scared, and she doesn't know why. Her face is white with nervousness, as I tell her, "I've been diagnosed with cancer."
Pause. Stop everything. The world closes in, time stops, nothing exists except for that moment, which, even in its single existence, is drowned out by a shockwave that clouds your thoughts. She's thinking everything and nothing at the same time. Everything, for obvious reasons, and nothing, because of everything she is thinking moving too fast to pick out anything specific to form into a clear thought.
At this point, I'm in silent tears. My throat is in agony because I'm trying my hardest not to let out that first blast of breath that comes when you cry violently. Everything is cold and clammy. Shea stares and I stare back, and her eyes look at me like a dog when they tilt their head in curiosity, only this time it's a questioning look… the saddest look you'll ever see. Her eyes ask me, "what?" in that moment of disbelief. A ring of tears forms at the bottom of her eyelids, and they're bloodshot. We're both shaking. Now we cry. I love you, you're amazing, I don't want to lose you, I can't live without you. It's all there.
The realization comes that I'm not going to be around much longer. When that hits you, it's unlike anything you could describe with bricks or freight trains. It's the moment when you realize the person you love more than anything in the universe is going away, and you have to be there for that. You have to live with them, knowing that it's only a matter of time before they're gone, whether it be weeks, months, or years.
As I had this daydream, I got to this point where that realization came, and I started to cry. I started to shake. And then I realized... "but I'm not dying. I'm here. I'm alive." If a daydream can do that much, I can only imagine what it might be like for it to be real. And when I say I can only imagine, I mean I can't. I can't even begin to fathom that daydream being real. I can't imagine having to tell someone like Shea, "I'm not going to be around. You have to let me go, no matter how much you don't want to, no matter how much it's going to hurt, no matter how much it affects you." I can't handle even thinking about that. I start to cry every instant it hits me.
I'm not expecting this to mean anything to anyone. I just know that I don't want to take anything for granted, especially those people that change your life for the better; the ones that make you truly happy, beyond the definition of happiness that a human brain can comprehend; the ones that you can look at and just cry because you're so happy that they're part of your life.
You're not taken for granted. You've changed my life; I'll be affected forever. I love you, and you're the most amazing and wonderful person I've ever known. You're my partner, you're part of my life, and you're part of me. Don't forget what you live for. Live and love as much as you can, the best you can, while you can.
I love you.
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When I was a little kid, I was awake one night in my room. I don't know exactly what I was thinking about or why, but I eventually ran up to my mom's room crying, woke her up, and said, "I don't want to die!" I've always been "wise beyond my years," in the sense that I'm more "life-intelligent" than most people, if you know what I mean. Even when I was a little kid, I remember being much more mature in mind, even more so than a lot of adults seem to be these days. I had real thoughts, real considerations, real cares... and when that night happened where I ran to my mom crying, I really was afraid of death. Pretty serious thing to be worrying about for a little kid, huh?
"Koppel on Discovery: Living With Cancer" is on right now. It caught my attention as I was finally doing some correspondence homework, and I had to set it down and watch.
No, I've never had cancer, obviously. But it already scares me, a lot. I had a daydream. Specifically... I'm diagnosed with cancer. I go through an initial shock and breakdown phase for either hours or days, or however long. I haven't told anyone. The only people that know are my parents and family, and the doctors. The most important person in my life right now and hopefully for the rest of my life is Shea. In this daydream, we get together to spend time with each other, as always. We're at my house, sitting in my room, watching TV or something. All of the sudden, I turn it off and look at her. She doesn't know what's going on. She has no idea what I'm about to tell her. "Shea.. there's something I need to talk to you about," I say, as I can start to feel my throat closing up because I'm about to cry my eyes out. I can see the worried look on her face, mostly onset by confusion and sensing my worried tone. "I don't know how to tell you this. I never imagined something like this happening… I don't think anyone does." And she says, anxiously wanting me to spit it out, "would you just tell me already?"
I hear her voice shake as that sentence is finished. She's scared, and she doesn't know why. Her face is white with nervousness, as I tell her, "I've been diagnosed with cancer."
Pause. Stop everything. The world closes in, time stops, nothing exists except for that moment, which, even in its single existence, is drowned out by a shockwave that clouds your thoughts. She's thinking everything and nothing at the same time. Everything, for obvious reasons, and nothing, because of everything she is thinking moving too fast to pick out anything specific to form into a clear thought.
At this point, I'm in silent tears. My throat is in agony because I'm trying my hardest not to let out that first blast of breath that comes when you cry violently. Everything is cold and clammy. Shea stares and I stare back, and her eyes look at me like a dog when they tilt their head in curiosity, only this time it's a questioning look… the saddest look you'll ever see. Her eyes ask me, "what?" in that moment of disbelief. A ring of tears forms at the bottom of her eyelids, and they're bloodshot. We're both shaking. Now we cry. I love you, you're amazing, I don't want to lose you, I can't live without you. It's all there.
The realization comes that I'm not going to be around much longer. When that hits you, it's unlike anything you could describe with bricks or freight trains. It's the moment when you realize the person you love more than anything in the universe is going away, and you have to be there for that. You have to live with them, knowing that it's only a matter of time before they're gone, whether it be weeks, months, or years.
As I had this daydream, I got to this point where that realization came, and I started to cry. I started to shake. And then I realized... "but I'm not dying. I'm here. I'm alive." If a daydream can do that much, I can only imagine what it might be like for it to be real. And when I say I can only imagine, I mean I can't. I can't even begin to fathom that daydream being real. I can't imagine having to tell someone like Shea, "I'm not going to be around. You have to let me go, no matter how much you don't want to, no matter how much it's going to hurt, no matter how much it affects you." I can't handle even thinking about that. I start to cry every instant it hits me.
I'm not expecting this to mean anything to anyone. I just know that I don't want to take anything for granted, especially those people that change your life for the better; the ones that make you truly happy, beyond the definition of happiness that a human brain can comprehend; the ones that you can look at and just cry because you're so happy that they're part of your life.
You're not taken for granted. You've changed my life; I'll be affected forever. I love you, and you're the most amazing and wonderful person I've ever known. You're my partner, you're part of my life, and you're part of me. Don't forget what you live for. Live and love as much as you can, the best you can, while you can.
I love you.