They say honesty is the best policy
I was going to post a super long and random entry about, well everything really. I was just going to write about the 2308984 things that have been going through my head lately but when I clicked post, I suddenly lost all interest in writing... but I'll still write a little.
That doesn't make any sense.
I've done a lot of thinking lately, I've come to terms with some things that weren't so easy for me to come to terms with but it had to be done. I think I'm in a fairly good state of mind and I know what I want in life, I'm just having some trouble getting there. I'm hoping that will change soon but it seems like every time something good happens, something equally as bad happens to make me forget about the good thing. Does that makes sense ?
I really need a new job, I love my job now but they just don't pay me enough, at all. My job isn't the most difficult thing in the world to do, but I've done a lot for my work and went above and beyond what my job calls for, I think they could show me a little appreciation. Plus I want to start saving for things, like my own place and my own car. I want to be able to support myself, and that is not going to happen with the job I have now.
I've been thinking about drinking lately... a lot. I don't know if that's necessarily a bad thing, but I'm sure it's not a good thing either. I really do miss drinking and having a good time with my friends, or even just sitting at home and having a beer with my family. It was nice, I won't lie, but part of me misses the drinking to get completely fucked up so I'd forget how I sad and down I was feeling. Now that is bad, I know, and I know that had I not stopped drinking I would have ended up being an alcoholic like my mother. I don't want to be like her, in that sense, at all. And even though I do miss drinking, I don't know if I started again I'd be able to control myself like most people do. Maybe I could, maybe I'd be able to just have enough to have fun and not get so drunk that I threw up and did dumb things... then again, maybe I couldn't. Who knows.
Speaking of my mother, her & I are finally are really really good terms and I couldn't be happier. We talk every day and I tell her everything, and I mean everything. She's also stopped drinking, and I'm hoping this time it's for good. It sucks that we're finally on awesome terms and she lives all the way out in Churubusco and I only get to see her once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. :/
I'm really sick of Fort Wayne. There's nothing to do here, the people suck, the weather is shitty. It's just an overall disappointing town. I haven't really traveled much, so I don't have much to compare Fort Wayne to, but even when I go down to Indy I like it sooo much better than here. I think I'd like living in a BIG city. I know Fort Wayne is the 2nd biggest city in Indiana, but to someone who's lived here their WHOLE life and never really been anywhere else, it's really not all that big. It's just stupid & boring, and I'm ready for a change. Not that that'll be happening anytime soon since I'm broke and still in school, but it'd just be nice.
Diana and I have been hanging out a lot lately and it rules. I love her, sooo much. It makes me almost miss high school when we hung out like 24/7... but I don't really miss high school, just the getting to see DP a lot. I really hope Grey changes, I don't know if he will or not but I really hope he does. I think him & Diana are a really good couple and I just really want things to work out, for the both of them.
Other than Diana, I don't really have anyone else that is a close friend. I've drifted away from pretty much everyone, which really sucks, but at the same time people seem like they've gotten way shadier than I remember them being. Maybe that's just what happens when you're not close with people anymore, I don't know. It makes me miss summer 2007 & 2211 a lot. I'd do that summer all over again, in a heart beat. I miss being so close to everyone like we were then, but I don't really feel like anyone else misses it like I do. Maybe I should just let that go.
I shouldn't have said that Diana is my only close friend, Scott's been an awesome friend. Everyone makes jokes about us liking each other & dating or whatever but in all honesty he's like my big brother & I'm like his little sister. There's nothing more than that. It's nice having an older guy friend who's like an older brother figure, especially since my actual older brother is a pretty big dickhead. I'm glad Scott & I became close.
I also should include Megan & Spencer, they rule. I don't get to see them as much I'd like, which bums me out, but every time I hang out with them is awesome. It's never awkward, no matter how long it's been since we last hung out. I like that they date, they're the cutest. I miss spending so much time over there, I'd like to start going over there a lot.
I miss spending a lot of time at Brandon's too. That seriously became like my second home. Last night when I was over there it didn't even feel awkward even though I hadn't been there in like 3 months. It's just cozy and comfy and I love it there, even with Caleb & Drew being silly and making lots of noise. I think I like sleeping there more than at my own house, I definitely like Brandon's bed better than mine even though mine is wayyy bigger than his. I wish I was there now...
Speaking of Mr. Wynn, I sure do miss him a lot. But I'm pretty frustrated with him too. What a bad situation. I don't think I'm over reacting anymore, but I'm trying not to be MAD about it (even though I feel like getting mad about it), but it certainly is frustrating. We've already had one talk, one in person talk that is; we've had lots of text talks, and tonight I told him that I had more things to talk to him about so hopefully that'll happen soon. I'd like for things to work out, but I'm also not trying to get my hopes up... but I'm not very good at that. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. But I'm not very patient.
As for Mr. Bricker, well he needs to grow up. I'm not quite sure what his issue is but I haven't done anything to him for him to act like such a jerk to me... but then again, that's just the way he is. Oh well. I'm not going to dwell on it, I'm over the idea of him & I... well I shouldn't say I'm over it, I've just stopped hoping for something that's probably never going to happen. It doesn't do me any good. But he was my first love and I'll always have feelings for him. I'm just going to stop acting on them. (Attention Spencer Hansen : do not tell me "I told you so" because you are not, by any means, right.) I tried to be friendly with him a few weeks ago at a show but he wasn't having it. whatever. I don't have anything against him, overall he's a good guy... he just chooses to do stupid shit because people expect it out of him.
This is my last week of break, what a bummer. I don't feel like going back to school, I don't feel like I've done anything really over break. I guess that's my own fault though, then again 2 weeks isn't really a long time. Most people get like a month for Christmas break, but I don't go to college I go to beauty school so I can't exactly expect to get the same treatment. I'm excited that we're almost up on the floor though, but I'm also a little nervous. I can't wait till we've been up there for like a month and everything just seems so natural. That'll be a lot of fun.
I wish I wasn't at home, I'm bored and restless. I wish it was summer, because even if I was alone I could go walk around down town. A walk sounds nice right about now.
So much for me not feeling like writing and only writing a little. I really didn't intend to write all of that, it just sort of happened. It's funny how things happen like that...
I guess.