epic post
i remain unemployeed, with no prospects in tampa. i've applied to a million and one places and have been told i'm either over-qualified (a lot of places are looking for kids still in college, looking for part-time/low wages), that i don't have enough experience (most places requiring 3-5+ years and not willing to trust my 1 1/2), or that they're flat out not hiring.
because bills remain to be paid and in an effort to not go crazy sitting alone in my apartment, i've spent the last week in orlando working at my mom's studio. it's getting me by, but barely. since i'm not a permanent employee, i just fill in when there are gaps in the schedule, or when my mom needs a break. i only make $8/hr, but at least i'm kept busy, and i dont have to buy groceries or pay a lot in gas, considering the studio is about 10 minutes from my parents' house.
however. even with the little bit of money i'm making here, i simply can't afford to stay in tampa. unless i get a call back literally within the next day or two, and get hired right away, and get a bangin' paycheck, i do not have money for rent, phone, car, cable/energy, student loans, etc. not enough money to pay the $1500 worth of bills that roll in every month. not including the $400-$500 worth of medical insurance i need to survive, groceries, gas, perscriptions or the limited amount of extras i sometimes permit myself to indulge in (coffee, books, etc.).
my mom has offered me a (more) permanent and higher paying managerial position at the studio. aka: a paycheck, every week. and rent-free living. and the ability to leave whenever i wanted, if another opportunity presented itself.
ideally, i would be able to work in orlando and keep paying rent for my apartment in tampa (because i still ultimately want to live there and go back to school at USF in august) just in case a position opens for me there. however, it doesnt really make sense to pay for a place and not live there, right?
SO. i'm considering moving back in with my parents. and this absolutely kills me. not because i have a bad relationship with my parents (although i definitely feel that moving out improved our relationship, and allows me to appreciate them more), but because i worked really hard to get out of orlando and everything it represents to me. granted, i have come to terms with a lot of the things that happened in orlando over the past five years. i realize now that nick was the cause of my ill-feelings toward a lot of people and definitely the reason why i felt completely destroyed while living here. however, there are other issues... mainly, the rash of people not doing anything with their lives, spending every cent they earn on drugs, the endless drama, and a boy i need to get out of my head and should probably stay far away from. if the past four days have shown me anything, its how easy it would be to get sucked back into that world. i went out every night and have never consumed alcohol in that capacity for that many consecutive days.
i know it's absolutely 100% my choice who i hang out with, and what i do with my time. i'm just saying, working a menial job (with my mom! so much mom time!) that i dont find rewarding or stimulating or challenging, it's really easy to think, "YES! i WILL go to karaoke or that party or this bar because i need some sort of release, and i know it will be fun." fun, yes. and with people i can have a genuinely good time with, but... what does that do to move me forward? how does that positively motivate me to seek new challenges, to find stimulus or reward?
there's also the issue of giving up the independence i've grown so fond of. not that my parents try to control me when i'm here. i don't have a curfew. they know that i'm a responsible adult capable of accepting resposibility for my actions, whether they are good or bad. but it was great, being in tampa, being able to throw a party, knowing that i could walk in at 4 in the morning and sleep til 4 in the afternoon if i wanted. knowing that, if i got wasted and suggested that someone should spend the night, it could happen. maybe tmi, and not that it happened (unlucky in love, ya know), but it was nice to know that i could have sex! all the sex i wanted! because it was MY place and i made the rules and had control of everything in my life. and it's not just a sex thing, the same could be said for eating a pint of ice cream for breakfast or not doing laundry or turning off my cell phone for a few hours to escape and not tell anyone where i was or staying in bed reading a book for a long afternoon.
see also: i feel like a big fucking failure and it makes me want to cry and die all day, every day.
i guess i'm just saying, i have a big decision to make. and here are my options.
OPTION 1: keep paying rent in tampa, therefore not leaving jeanette in a shitty situation by breaking my lease. i'd also maintain a home there just in case a job became available soon. move some of my things to my parents' house and work at the studio for a few months, saving what i would be paying for gas/groceries until i get a job in tampa.
OPTION 2: break my lease in tampa and completely move back to orlando. work at the studio/another job and save every penny so that i could find a new place of my own when i go back for my masters in august.
OPTION 3: break my lease, move to orlando and forgo my plans to go back to school at USF because, let's face it, i have to consider that i might not be able to find a job there in august, either. try to find a different career path/masters options, and take advantage of living rent-free.
OPTION 4: carleigh has offered to house my sorry-ass while joe's on tour in late summer so i don't hate my life so much. but what about a job? and when joe gets back, what if i still don't have my shit together?
OPTION 5: totally flee florida and live with one of my sisters. or talk to lj about job opportunities in DC. she said she's 85% sure she could get me a job with her, but thats a big risk (plus extremely high cost of living), so there are the same problems here as with option 4.
in other words: help. and quickly.