(no subject)
Its 5:30 in the morning and I haven’t slept a wink. So far I have finished a novel, watched a movie, wrote out a few dates and to dos in my organizer, surfed the net looking for vintage aprons and done some laundry … well that I am still doing.
Insomnia is a symptom of depression so let’s not beat around the bush here anymore. I have let myself get into a rut I want to get out of. I am sick of not being able to sleep until 3 or 4 in the morning and then waking at some ridiculous hour that most stay at home Mothers already have most of their stuff done by. That I burst into tears throughout the day because I think my life sucks. Of shutting out every emotion I have because I feel hurt more than anything so it’s just better to feel nothing at all.
So what is it I need in a time like this … my family!
I feel isolated up here and want more help with Sascha, family help, people I trust help. So I asked Aaron could we consider moving back to the country and he gave me list of things he would have to give up and a bunch of excuses. And all I could think through it was ‘you selfish bastard, once again you can’t just do something for me’.
I know it’s a huge ask and needs some time to digest and consider, but when he can see how depressed I am and he stands there listing all HIS issues with moving and he knows it would help me. It makes me wonder ‘how much does he really love me?’. Because if it were him I would do it in a heartbeat.
You know maybe I am to blame here. Maybe my ideas of love are foolish, that what I see when a crisis arises in a relationship, you prove how much you love someone by doing everything in your power to protect that other person even giving up your joy and happiness. Sometimes you just need to bite the bullet and blindly follow your lover because in the end they are all you have. Very romantic notions I think for another girl in another life time lived very long ago.
There is that saying that women have the power in sex, relationships and families. Well I think we are slaves to it and when it doesn’t work we view ourselves as failures when all we are really doing is setting ourselves free.