(no subject)
Long T* update follows
I've now been on T* for seven months. Exciting eh?
I've been trying to post an update for 3 days but I can't seem to get my shit together to actually do it - so here's attempt 4
Emotional/Mental stability:
Emotionally: I've changed. I'm more removed from my feelings but I'm much happier with the new perspective. It's easier for me to process things without talking about them and I feel much more put together. I experience fewer and fewer emotional outbursts, but on the same note I'm much more likely to speak up when I have an opinion. On the whole I'm a much more laid back person. My moods are different in that they will come on more strongly but fizzle out more quickly. I can go from 1-10 on the angry scale in .2 seconds but I don't have the energy or interest to maintain an angry 10 for more than a couple minutes. Mentally: I'm in what I think will be a long adjustment period. The way I think and process information has and is changing. Some days I'm on and some days I have to really work to listen and pay attention to instruction and/or conversation. It's no longer safe for me to walk and chew bubble gum. I have lost all ability to multi-task. My follow through on projects is also improving but this could just be part of growing up.
Social/Family:
I'm passing 90% of the time... although I think I'm done calling people reading me as male "passing". My coworkers (50+ direct contact co-workers) are pretty much all on board and using male pronouns and no one has referred to me by my birth name in quite a while (one exception for one person who just has a hard time remembering). I haven't gotten a lot of flak and only a few people have been remotely rude about my transition on the job. I haven't had to field too many questions... in fact my close friends at work probably take on most of the inquisitions. As it is anywhere that I'm out to people, some are fine and don't give it a second thought and some are supremely uncomfortable with it and would rather avoid me if at all possible. Overall it's been a piece of cake.
My family is not on board... in fact they're on the shore flipping off the boat. My mom has resorted to calling me by a genderless family nickname and frequently tells me (with a very sour face) that she will never call me "he". I keep loving her and telling her that she can take as much time as she needs... and I will. My dad and step mom are in deep deep denial and I think I won't be seeing much of them anymore. I have a 12 y.o. sister that I'm strictly not allowed to "burden" with my transition. It's bad enough that at 11 (I've been out since she was 2) she had to find out I was queer. Not that they might have wanted to try and raise their child in a tolerant environment or anything...rrrrr... My extended family is still in the dark as I attempt to respect the wishes of my Mother and Father... although I do think any kind of reunion would be a little awkward now.
Physically:
This has been the hardest part of transition for me. I'm post-hyst and on 100mg/2weeks. I had trouble in the beginning ramping up on T*. I was on 50mg/2 weeks and my body was totally starved for secondary hormones by the middle of the first week... It took me about a month to recover from a month of trying to cope with 50mg/2 weeks. My doc doubled my dose after the first month (100mg/2 weeks) and things were fine for a couple months. About March I started to have some mild swelling in my hands. It was annoying but I figured it was a result of binding and that my binder was restricting blood flow to my hands. Then in April the swelling in my hands got more painful and I started to have a major feeling of pressure in my head. I went into the doctor in mid-April and was diagnosed with allergies. In the first part of my I developed a nasty bruise behind my right knee and cramping/shooting pains in my right calf that have steadily gotten worse. I've missed 2 shots in the last 2 months in an attempt to sort this stuff out. Needless to say I'm a little cranky and concerned.
Outside of the physical problems I have really seen very few changes. The only change that's even really noticeable is my voice. I've also managed to gain some weight, and while I'm sure testosterone helped in this department I'm inclined to put most of the blame on 2 tech jobs that land my butt in a chair for 12 hours a day.
Does it sound like I'm bitter? Well yeah, I'm a little bitter, but mostly I'm just jealous... I wanted taking T* to be smooth and easy. I wanted my body to take to testosterone like it's been the missing piece to having a complete and healthy body, and that's just not how it's gone. I wanted to be able to grow chops in 2 to 3 months tops. I wanted my body to square out and I wanted to get a happy trail. Nada. My expectations for testosterone were far different than my results, but I'm realizing that I'm not as disappointed as I thought I would be. It's not a competition and when it's just me in front of the mirror I'm glad things are changing slowly. I can't imagine trying to emotionally and mentally catch up to having a full beard in 3 months. I'm confident things will get sorted out and I'll keep moving forward, albeit slowly.
Okay now for the links...
There are a couple new pictures up, but the last body set is from February I think. I'll get a new one up sometime in the near future.
Photo albums
Voice clips
I've now been on T* for seven months. Exciting eh?
I've been trying to post an update for 3 days but I can't seem to get my shit together to actually do it - so here's attempt 4
Emotional/Mental stability:
Emotionally: I've changed. I'm more removed from my feelings but I'm much happier with the new perspective. It's easier for me to process things without talking about them and I feel much more put together. I experience fewer and fewer emotional outbursts, but on the same note I'm much more likely to speak up when I have an opinion. On the whole I'm a much more laid back person. My moods are different in that they will come on more strongly but fizzle out more quickly. I can go from 1-10 on the angry scale in .2 seconds but I don't have the energy or interest to maintain an angry 10 for more than a couple minutes. Mentally: I'm in what I think will be a long adjustment period. The way I think and process information has and is changing. Some days I'm on and some days I have to really work to listen and pay attention to instruction and/or conversation. It's no longer safe for me to walk and chew bubble gum. I have lost all ability to multi-task. My follow through on projects is also improving but this could just be part of growing up.
Social/Family:
I'm passing 90% of the time... although I think I'm done calling people reading me as male "passing". My coworkers (50+ direct contact co-workers) are pretty much all on board and using male pronouns and no one has referred to me by my birth name in quite a while (one exception for one person who just has a hard time remembering). I haven't gotten a lot of flak and only a few people have been remotely rude about my transition on the job. I haven't had to field too many questions... in fact my close friends at work probably take on most of the inquisitions. As it is anywhere that I'm out to people, some are fine and don't give it a second thought and some are supremely uncomfortable with it and would rather avoid me if at all possible. Overall it's been a piece of cake.
My family is not on board... in fact they're on the shore flipping off the boat. My mom has resorted to calling me by a genderless family nickname and frequently tells me (with a very sour face) that she will never call me "he". I keep loving her and telling her that she can take as much time as she needs... and I will. My dad and step mom are in deep deep denial and I think I won't be seeing much of them anymore. I have a 12 y.o. sister that I'm strictly not allowed to "burden" with my transition. It's bad enough that at 11 (I've been out since she was 2) she had to find out I was queer. Not that they might have wanted to try and raise their child in a tolerant environment or anything...rrrrr... My extended family is still in the dark as I attempt to respect the wishes of my Mother and Father... although I do think any kind of reunion would be a little awkward now.
Physically:
This has been the hardest part of transition for me. I'm post-hyst and on 100mg/2weeks. I had trouble in the beginning ramping up on T*. I was on 50mg/2 weeks and my body was totally starved for secondary hormones by the middle of the first week... It took me about a month to recover from a month of trying to cope with 50mg/2 weeks. My doc doubled my dose after the first month (100mg/2 weeks) and things were fine for a couple months. About March I started to have some mild swelling in my hands. It was annoying but I figured it was a result of binding and that my binder was restricting blood flow to my hands. Then in April the swelling in my hands got more painful and I started to have a major feeling of pressure in my head. I went into the doctor in mid-April and was diagnosed with allergies. In the first part of my I developed a nasty bruise behind my right knee and cramping/shooting pains in my right calf that have steadily gotten worse. I've missed 2 shots in the last 2 months in an attempt to sort this stuff out. Needless to say I'm a little cranky and concerned.
Outside of the physical problems I have really seen very few changes. The only change that's even really noticeable is my voice. I've also managed to gain some weight, and while I'm sure testosterone helped in this department I'm inclined to put most of the blame on 2 tech jobs that land my butt in a chair for 12 hours a day.
Does it sound like I'm bitter? Well yeah, I'm a little bitter, but mostly I'm just jealous... I wanted taking T* to be smooth and easy. I wanted my body to take to testosterone like it's been the missing piece to having a complete and healthy body, and that's just not how it's gone. I wanted to be able to grow chops in 2 to 3 months tops. I wanted my body to square out and I wanted to get a happy trail. Nada. My expectations for testosterone were far different than my results, but I'm realizing that I'm not as disappointed as I thought I would be. It's not a competition and when it's just me in front of the mirror I'm glad things are changing slowly. I can't imagine trying to emotionally and mentally catch up to having a full beard in 3 months. I'm confident things will get sorted out and I'll keep moving forward, albeit slowly.
Okay now for the links...
There are a couple new pictures up, but the last body set is from February I think. I'll get a new one up sometime in the near future.
Photo albums
Voice clips