Challenge #233: Lost Angel
Title: Lost Angel
Author: Kyla (525600_journeys)
Feedback: is much appreciated
Pairing: Mostly Roger/Angel, mentions of Roger/April, Collins/Angel, and Roger/Mimi
Word Count: 2,174
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance/tragedy/drama
Summary: Roger knew Angel before Collins did...this is their story from beginning to end.
Notes: pre-RENT to during-RENT
Special thanks: Readers and reviewers
Spoilers: Roger and Angel have AIDS, Roger was a druggie
Warnings: Drug use, some adult language, boy-kissing
Disclaimer: RENT and its characters are the sole property of Jonathan Larson
Roger set the flowers against the tombstone. He crouched in front of it, touching his hand to the carved inscription. April Ericsson. 1965-1987.
“Hi, baby,” he said. “I miss you…I miss you so fuckin’ much….”
Roger blinked away the tears and took a deep breath as he stood up. There was nothing else to say. Nothing else that mattered. He crossed the cemetery and headed for the familiar alleyway next to the lot. The Man should be there.
Burying his hands in his pockets, Roger lightly fingered the bill. The Man smiled when he saw Roger.
“Well, well, well…if it isn’t my favorite customer. You got my money, PrettyBoy?”
“Twenty.”
The Man nodded and pulled out a small baggie. Roger handed the cash over and took the baggie. The Man smiled and turned to another approaching customer.
Roger slipped away, his body aching for the release he knew he’d get in a minute. He snorted a quick, short line. He hated doing it that way, but Mark had confiscated his needles and taken to checking his arms for new track marks. Roger hated snorting, hated the burning, tearing sensation that ripped through him until the high kicked in.
He didn’t take enough to get a good high. Much as he wanted to, his uncertainty about where to get money for the next high made him ration it out. He only took enough to keep the withdrawals at bay.
Roger strode out of the alleyway, his body calmer and heart aching a little less. He turned from the cemetery and went to the park. As he maneuvered his way through the crowded New York City sidewalks, Roger wondered what it was that drew him to the park. He knew it would only bring back memories of April. They’d had their first date there. She loved that park. They’d spent so much time there together…
A short while later, Roger was seated on a bench, watching the people. Parents and their kids, groups of friends, happy young couples. Each smiling face felt like a kick in his stomach. These people had life, love, happiness…hope. He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, anyone sitting here?” a young man asked.
Roger shook his head. “Knock yourself out.”
He set an empty tub on the ground and dropped his backpack in it before sitting down. Roger couldn’t help but wonder what the hell the tub was for.
As though reading his mind, the young man said, “It’s my drum.”
“What?”
He shrugged. “Can’t afford a real drum. Make do just fine with my empty ten-gallon tub.”
“You’re a drummer?”
The guy nodded. “Angel.”
“Huh?”
“That’s my name. I’m Angel.”
“Oh. Roger.”
Angel held out a hand and Roger shook it, wondering just how old this guy was. He looked a little young to be on his own. They sat in silence for a few moments.
“You play?” Angel asked, holding up a pair of drumsticks.
Roger shook his head. “Guitar.”
“Nice,” Angel said, smiling. “Look, um, are you okay?”
“What?”
“You just, I don’t know…you look upset.”
“You always strike up conversations with strangers in the middle of the city?” he snapped.
Angel’s smile dimmed and Roger felt a wave of guilt. Angel stood up. “Didn’t mean to bother you. I’ll just-”
Angel reached to pick up his bag. Roger shot his hand out to Angel’s wrist. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. You don’t have to go.”
Angel smiled again and sat back down. It struck Roger how sweet that smile was.
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry too.”
Roger shrugged. “Don’t be. You’re kind of right….just a rough time right now, ya know?”
Angel nodded, not saying anything.
“Girlfriend killed herself three weeks ago.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry,” Angel said. His hand patted Roger’s back.
“Thanks.”
“I might be out of line here, but if you want to talk about it…”
Roger wasn’t sure what made him blurt out the next part. Something about the kindness in Angel’s eyes. Maybe he’d understand. Maybe he’d make this okay. “She did it because she found out she had AIDS.”
Angel winced. Roger thought he’d get up and leave but he didn’t.
“She, uh, she left me a note. Said ‘Baby, we got AIDS.’ That’s all it said…”
“Do you know for sure that you…”
Roger nodded. “Got tested right away. Came back positive.”
“I have it too,” Angel said quietly.
“HIV?”
Angel nodded. “Ex-boyfriend.”
“You gay?” It seemed like a stupid question as soon as he said it.
“Yeah.”
Roger blushed slightly.
“Something wrong?”
“Nah, nah…just, um…I’m bisexual and it’s been a while since I met a guy I’ve been attracted to.”
Angel smiled. “You saying you’re attracted to me.”
Roger shrugged. “Yeah.”
“Good. Think you’re pretty cute yourself.”
***
Their relationship began slowly. Roger still missed April, still loved April. Angel didn’t expect that to go away overnight. At first, they kept it to meetings in the park. They’d sit and talk or go ride the subway through the city. They were both broke so they couldn’t really afford anything beyond that. Roger couldn’t bring himself to tell Angel about the drugs. Especially not after Angel mentioned that his best friend was a user.
“It drives me insane! She’s so much better than that. I don’t understand how she could just throw her life away like that.”
Roger felt a twinge of guilt but kept quiet. He didn’t want Angel mad at him. More than that, he didn’t want Angel on his case too.
***
They walked through the park one afternoon when Roger stopped.
“Roger? What are you doing? Are you-”
Roger put a hand to either side of Angel’s face and kissed him gently. When he pulled back, Angel smiled.
“Just been wanting to do that and finally worked up the nerve.”
Angel’s grin widened. “It’s about time.”
Roger slipped his arms around Angel’s waist and kissed him again, longer this time. Angel’s arms slipped up around his neck. When they pulled apart again, Angel was still smiling. Roger kept one arm around his waist as they continued their walk.
***
Roger sat in the kitchen of Angel’s tiny apartment. They never went to the loft. Angel didn’t ask why.
“Angel? Babe, what the hell are you doing in there?”
Angel said he wanted to show Roger what he bought. He went to get it twenty minutes ago.
“Just a second!” Angel called.
He emerged from the bathroom and smiled. Roger’s jaw dropped as he took in the sight. Angel wore a green miniskirt with striped stockings, black knee-high boots, and a rainbow-colored sweater. He was also wearing makeup and a black bobbed wig.
“Angel…”
Angel smiled, blushing slightly under Roger’s gaze. “I just always wondered what it would be like to be able to dress like this…”
“You look…”
“Ridiculous?”
Roger shook his head. “Amazing.”
Angel giggled. “Really?”
“Yeah…never thought about how nicely a skirt would show off those legs.”
Roger stood up and crossed the room, pulling Angel into a kiss.
“That mean you still love me?”
“Angel, I’ll always love you. No matter what you wear.”
***
“Something wrong, babe?” Roger asked.
“Huh?”
“You’ve been really quiet this afternoon. Something going on?”
Angel sighed and pulled away from his embrace, shifting to sit on the other end of the couch. “Yesterday I was out drumming and this guy came up to me. He said he knows you.”
“Oh?”
“He asked me to tell you that he wants his money by Friday.”
Roger’s eyes widened.
“He said he’s your dealer and you owe him.”
“Shit.”
“Roger, please tell me he was lying. Tell me you’re not on drugs, that he was confused.” Angel’s voice was pleading.
“Angel…”
“Damn it, Roger!” Angel’s eyes filled with tears of anger and hurt. “How long?”
“What?”
“How long have you been using?”
“Since before we met…before April died…”
Angel’s tears slipped down one cheek. Roger reached out to brush them away, wishing he could say something to make it right, but Angel pulled away from him.
“You…you lied to me.”
“No, I didn’t. You never asked if I was on drugs.”
“All those times I told you about friends I’ve lost to that shit, friends I am losing to it, and you’re doing it too?”
“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t….I didn’t want you to be mad.”
“So just not telling me and letting me find out from your dealer was your way of not making me mad?”
“Babe, please-”
“Stop it.”
“What?”
“Stop using.”
Roger shook his head. “It’s not that simple.”
“Yes it is. Make that decision. Right now.”
“Angel, I’m not using that much. I-I hardly use at all. Just enough so I don’t go into withdrawals. It’s hardly-”
Angel stood up. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare try and justify it with ‘it’s not really that much.’ Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Of course not!”
“Stop using.”
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or don’t want to?”
Roger looked up at Angel, his own eyes now full of tears.
“We’re over,” Angel said.
“What? No, Angel-”
“I won’t do this, Roger. I won’t watch you through your life away. Not when you have so much talent and so much good in you. No.”
“Angel, please…I’m sorry. I-”
“Are you going to quit? Completely and totally quit today?”
“Angel…”
“Then we’re done.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too. That’s why I’m doing this.”
Roger stood up. “I’m sorry.”
“Get clean. Maybe then we can try and work this out. Maybe. Not before then.”
Roger stepped forward, wanting one last hug, one last kiss. Angel held him tightly for a minute before pulling away and kissing his cheek.
“You need to leave,” Angel whispered.
Roger nodded and slipped out of Angel’s apartment. He brushed the tears away as best as he could, though they were still falling. He went to the alleyway where he knew The Man would be.
“You got my money?”
Roger pulled a fistful of cash and shoved it at him. He turned and walked away before The Man could ask if he wanted more. Roger went home to the empty loft, lay down on his bed, and cried.
***
“Gentlemen, our benefactor on this Christmas Eve, whose charity is only matched by talent, I believe, a new member of the Alphabet City avant-garde, Angel Dumott Schunard!”
Roger’s heart stopped. Angel? He watched in awe as Angel sang, danced, and jumped around the loft. His Angel…The Angel he’d gotten clean for and then been unable to find. Roger smiled weakly.
***
“Roger,” Angel said as they neared the protest. “Could I talk to you alone for a second?”
Roger nodded. Mark looked to Collins, who only shrugged.
“I didn’t know…when he said his roommate Roger, I didn’t know he meant you-Roger.”
“I’m clean.”
Angel smiled. “Collins told me. I’m so proud of you, honey…”
“But you…I tried to find you. I went back to your apartment and you weren’t there.”
“I was evicted.”
“But…”
Angel put a hand on his arm. “Roger, we can’t be together again.”
“Why not?”
“Because…I like Collins. And Mimi likes you.”
“Mimi…is she the friend who…”
Angel nodded. “I think it’s best that we don’t tell them how we knew each other.”
Roger nodded, staring at the ground.
“Hey,” Angel said softly, using a hand to guide Roger’s face up. “I just think it would only complicate things if they knew our history.”
“Do you regret it?”
“What?”
“Do you regret it? Us?”
“No, of course not. I don’t regret anything.”
“But now you want us to be just friends?”
Angel nodded. “Our time passed, Roger.”
Roger nodded slowly. “Okay…okay…”
“So we can be friends?”
“I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all,” Roger said.
Angel pulled him into a hug.
“I still love you,” Roger whispered.
“I know.”
As Angel turned and pranced back towards Collins, Roger realized it was the first time he’d said he loved Angel without Angel saying it back. He fought back the tears and forced a smile when Mark approached.
“What was that about?”
“Oh, um…Angel just wanted to make sure I’m okay since I didn’t want to go to Life Support.”
“And?”
Roger rolled his eyes. “I’m fine, Mark.”
***
Roger sat in the front of the church staring at the coffin. Angel was gone. His Angel. He leaned forward, hands clasped, arms leaning on the pew in front of him. Collins had asked them who wanted to speak. Roger couldn’t bring himself to. Collins and the others still didn’t know about him and Angel. Instead, Roger sat in the pew, not bothering to wipe the tears as they streamed down his face.
He knew Mark thought he was just upset because of the breakup with Mimi, combined with the death of a close friend and dealing with his own mortality. Roger couldn’t tell him it was because he’d lost his Angel. Again.
Author: Kyla (525600_journeys)
Feedback: is much appreciated
Pairing: Mostly Roger/Angel, mentions of Roger/April, Collins/Angel, and Roger/Mimi
Word Count: 2,174
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Romance/tragedy/drama
Summary: Roger knew Angel before Collins did...this is their story from beginning to end.
Notes: pre-RENT to during-RENT
Special thanks: Readers and reviewers
Spoilers: Roger and Angel have AIDS, Roger was a druggie
Warnings: Drug use, some adult language, boy-kissing
Disclaimer: RENT and its characters are the sole property of Jonathan Larson
Roger set the flowers against the tombstone. He crouched in front of it, touching his hand to the carved inscription. April Ericsson. 1965-1987.
“Hi, baby,” he said. “I miss you…I miss you so fuckin’ much….”
Roger blinked away the tears and took a deep breath as he stood up. There was nothing else to say. Nothing else that mattered. He crossed the cemetery and headed for the familiar alleyway next to the lot. The Man should be there.
Burying his hands in his pockets, Roger lightly fingered the bill. The Man smiled when he saw Roger.
“Well, well, well…if it isn’t my favorite customer. You got my money, PrettyBoy?”
“Twenty.”
The Man nodded and pulled out a small baggie. Roger handed the cash over and took the baggie. The Man smiled and turned to another approaching customer.
Roger slipped away, his body aching for the release he knew he’d get in a minute. He snorted a quick, short line. He hated doing it that way, but Mark had confiscated his needles and taken to checking his arms for new track marks. Roger hated snorting, hated the burning, tearing sensation that ripped through him until the high kicked in.
He didn’t take enough to get a good high. Much as he wanted to, his uncertainty about where to get money for the next high made him ration it out. He only took enough to keep the withdrawals at bay.
Roger strode out of the alleyway, his body calmer and heart aching a little less. He turned from the cemetery and went to the park. As he maneuvered his way through the crowded New York City sidewalks, Roger wondered what it was that drew him to the park. He knew it would only bring back memories of April. They’d had their first date there. She loved that park. They’d spent so much time there together…
A short while later, Roger was seated on a bench, watching the people. Parents and their kids, groups of friends, happy young couples. Each smiling face felt like a kick in his stomach. These people had life, love, happiness…hope. He jumped when he felt a hand on his shoulder.
“Hey, anyone sitting here?” a young man asked.
Roger shook his head. “Knock yourself out.”
He set an empty tub on the ground and dropped his backpack in it before sitting down. Roger couldn’t help but wonder what the hell the tub was for.
As though reading his mind, the young man said, “It’s my drum.”
“What?”
He shrugged. “Can’t afford a real drum. Make do just fine with my empty ten-gallon tub.”
“You’re a drummer?”
The guy nodded. “Angel.”
“Huh?”
“That’s my name. I’m Angel.”
“Oh. Roger.”
Angel held out a hand and Roger shook it, wondering just how old this guy was. He looked a little young to be on his own. They sat in silence for a few moments.
“You play?” Angel asked, holding up a pair of drumsticks.
Roger shook his head. “Guitar.”
“Nice,” Angel said, smiling. “Look, um, are you okay?”
“What?”
“You just, I don’t know…you look upset.”
“You always strike up conversations with strangers in the middle of the city?” he snapped.
Angel’s smile dimmed and Roger felt a wave of guilt. Angel stood up. “Didn’t mean to bother you. I’ll just-”
Angel reached to pick up his bag. Roger shot his hand out to Angel’s wrist. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. You don’t have to go.”
Angel smiled again and sat back down. It struck Roger how sweet that smile was.
“It’s okay. I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry too.”
Roger shrugged. “Don’t be. You’re kind of right….just a rough time right now, ya know?”
Angel nodded, not saying anything.
“Girlfriend killed herself three weeks ago.”
“Oh, honey. I’m so sorry,” Angel said. His hand patted Roger’s back.
“Thanks.”
“I might be out of line here, but if you want to talk about it…”
Roger wasn’t sure what made him blurt out the next part. Something about the kindness in Angel’s eyes. Maybe he’d understand. Maybe he’d make this okay. “She did it because she found out she had AIDS.”
Angel winced. Roger thought he’d get up and leave but he didn’t.
“She, uh, she left me a note. Said ‘Baby, we got AIDS.’ That’s all it said…”
“Do you know for sure that you…”
Roger nodded. “Got tested right away. Came back positive.”
“I have it too,” Angel said quietly.
“HIV?”
Angel nodded. “Ex-boyfriend.”
“You gay?” It seemed like a stupid question as soon as he said it.
“Yeah.”
Roger blushed slightly.
“Something wrong?”
“Nah, nah…just, um…I’m bisexual and it’s been a while since I met a guy I’ve been attracted to.”
Angel smiled. “You saying you’re attracted to me.”
Roger shrugged. “Yeah.”
“Good. Think you’re pretty cute yourself.”
***
Their relationship began slowly. Roger still missed April, still loved April. Angel didn’t expect that to go away overnight. At first, they kept it to meetings in the park. They’d sit and talk or go ride the subway through the city. They were both broke so they couldn’t really afford anything beyond that. Roger couldn’t bring himself to tell Angel about the drugs. Especially not after Angel mentioned that his best friend was a user.
“It drives me insane! She’s so much better than that. I don’t understand how she could just throw her life away like that.”
Roger felt a twinge of guilt but kept quiet. He didn’t want Angel mad at him. More than that, he didn’t want Angel on his case too.
***
They walked through the park one afternoon when Roger stopped.
“Roger? What are you doing? Are you-”
Roger put a hand to either side of Angel’s face and kissed him gently. When he pulled back, Angel smiled.
“Just been wanting to do that and finally worked up the nerve.”
Angel’s grin widened. “It’s about time.”
Roger slipped his arms around Angel’s waist and kissed him again, longer this time. Angel’s arms slipped up around his neck. When they pulled apart again, Angel was still smiling. Roger kept one arm around his waist as they continued their walk.
***
Roger sat in the kitchen of Angel’s tiny apartment. They never went to the loft. Angel didn’t ask why.
“Angel? Babe, what the hell are you doing in there?”
Angel said he wanted to show Roger what he bought. He went to get it twenty minutes ago.
“Just a second!” Angel called.
He emerged from the bathroom and smiled. Roger’s jaw dropped as he took in the sight. Angel wore a green miniskirt with striped stockings, black knee-high boots, and a rainbow-colored sweater. He was also wearing makeup and a black bobbed wig.
“Angel…”
Angel smiled, blushing slightly under Roger’s gaze. “I just always wondered what it would be like to be able to dress like this…”
“You look…”
“Ridiculous?”
Roger shook his head. “Amazing.”
Angel giggled. “Really?”
“Yeah…never thought about how nicely a skirt would show off those legs.”
Roger stood up and crossed the room, pulling Angel into a kiss.
“That mean you still love me?”
“Angel, I’ll always love you. No matter what you wear.”
***
“Something wrong, babe?” Roger asked.
“Huh?”
“You’ve been really quiet this afternoon. Something going on?”
Angel sighed and pulled away from his embrace, shifting to sit on the other end of the couch. “Yesterday I was out drumming and this guy came up to me. He said he knows you.”
“Oh?”
“He asked me to tell you that he wants his money by Friday.”
Roger’s eyes widened.
“He said he’s your dealer and you owe him.”
“Shit.”
“Roger, please tell me he was lying. Tell me you’re not on drugs, that he was confused.” Angel’s voice was pleading.
“Angel…”
“Damn it, Roger!” Angel’s eyes filled with tears of anger and hurt. “How long?”
“What?”
“How long have you been using?”
“Since before we met…before April died…”
Angel’s tears slipped down one cheek. Roger reached out to brush them away, wishing he could say something to make it right, but Angel pulled away from him.
“You…you lied to me.”
“No, I didn’t. You never asked if I was on drugs.”
“All those times I told you about friends I’ve lost to that shit, friends I am losing to it, and you’re doing it too?”
“I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t….I didn’t want you to be mad.”
“So just not telling me and letting me find out from your dealer was your way of not making me mad?”
“Babe, please-”
“Stop it.”
“What?”
“Stop using.”
Roger shook his head. “It’s not that simple.”
“Yes it is. Make that decision. Right now.”
“Angel, I’m not using that much. I-I hardly use at all. Just enough so I don’t go into withdrawals. It’s hardly-”
Angel stood up. “Don’t you dare. Don’t you dare try and justify it with ‘it’s not really that much.’ Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Of course not!”
“Stop using.”
“I can’t.”
“Can’t or don’t want to?”
Roger looked up at Angel, his own eyes now full of tears.
“We’re over,” Angel said.
“What? No, Angel-”
“I won’t do this, Roger. I won’t watch you through your life away. Not when you have so much talent and so much good in you. No.”
“Angel, please…I’m sorry. I-”
“Are you going to quit? Completely and totally quit today?”
“Angel…”
“Then we’re done.”
“I love you.”
“I love you too. That’s why I’m doing this.”
Roger stood up. “I’m sorry.”
“Get clean. Maybe then we can try and work this out. Maybe. Not before then.”
Roger stepped forward, wanting one last hug, one last kiss. Angel held him tightly for a minute before pulling away and kissing his cheek.
“You need to leave,” Angel whispered.
Roger nodded and slipped out of Angel’s apartment. He brushed the tears away as best as he could, though they were still falling. He went to the alleyway where he knew The Man would be.
“You got my money?”
Roger pulled a fistful of cash and shoved it at him. He turned and walked away before The Man could ask if he wanted more. Roger went home to the empty loft, lay down on his bed, and cried.
***
“Gentlemen, our benefactor on this Christmas Eve, whose charity is only matched by talent, I believe, a new member of the Alphabet City avant-garde, Angel Dumott Schunard!”
Roger’s heart stopped. Angel? He watched in awe as Angel sang, danced, and jumped around the loft. His Angel…The Angel he’d gotten clean for and then been unable to find. Roger smiled weakly.
***
“Roger,” Angel said as they neared the protest. “Could I talk to you alone for a second?”
Roger nodded. Mark looked to Collins, who only shrugged.
“I didn’t know…when he said his roommate Roger, I didn’t know he meant you-Roger.”
“I’m clean.”
Angel smiled. “Collins told me. I’m so proud of you, honey…”
“But you…I tried to find you. I went back to your apartment and you weren’t there.”
“I was evicted.”
“But…”
Angel put a hand on his arm. “Roger, we can’t be together again.”
“Why not?”
“Because…I like Collins. And Mimi likes you.”
“Mimi…is she the friend who…”
Angel nodded. “I think it’s best that we don’t tell them how we knew each other.”
Roger nodded, staring at the ground.
“Hey,” Angel said softly, using a hand to guide Roger’s face up. “I just think it would only complicate things if they knew our history.”
“Do you regret it?”
“What?”
“Do you regret it? Us?”
“No, of course not. I don’t regret anything.”
“But now you want us to be just friends?”
Angel nodded. “Our time passed, Roger.”
Roger nodded slowly. “Okay…okay…”
“So we can be friends?”
“I’d rather have you in my life as a friend than not at all,” Roger said.
Angel pulled him into a hug.
“I still love you,” Roger whispered.
“I know.”
As Angel turned and pranced back towards Collins, Roger realized it was the first time he’d said he loved Angel without Angel saying it back. He fought back the tears and forced a smile when Mark approached.
“What was that about?”
“Oh, um…Angel just wanted to make sure I’m okay since I didn’t want to go to Life Support.”
“And?”
Roger rolled his eyes. “I’m fine, Mark.”
***
Roger sat in the front of the church staring at the coffin. Angel was gone. His Angel. He leaned forward, hands clasped, arms leaning on the pew in front of him. Collins had asked them who wanted to speak. Roger couldn’t bring himself to. Collins and the others still didn’t know about him and Angel. Instead, Roger sat in the pew, not bothering to wipe the tears as they streamed down his face.
He knew Mark thought he was just upset because of the breakup with Mimi, combined with the death of a close friend and dealing with his own mortality. Roger couldn’t tell him it was because he’d lost his Angel. Again.