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My ex-boyfriend Lawrence (who is the [non-slash] Grif to my Simmons) decided he wanted to try his hand at brainstorming for a fan fic. Here's what he came up with.
Warning: I'm posting this as a way to mock him (as is customary in our friendship) so it's really lame. No, I didn't come up with any of this. It's all on him. I can't believe I'm actually posting this...
ACT I SCENE I
Grif and Simmons have left their quaint apartment in Honolulu for a way of life that includes a lot less sex and a lot more bad writing!
Somewhere in the Australian Outback
Grif: Hey Simmons, look! I found a really cool snake! *holds up snake*
Simmons: Grif, you idiot! That's a Black Mamba! It's really poisinous! Put it down before it bites you!
Grif: Uh oh, it already bit me.
Simmons: You are a dumbass.
ENTER C-3PO
C-3PO: Oh my!
ACT I SCENE II
Somewhere in Greenland on a boat filled with Greenlanders
Simmons: *panting* Oh God Grif, that was the greatest sex I've ever had!
Grif: I know! I've never been in anything so well written!
Random Seal: *jumps on boat, tipping it over*
Everybody: *fall into icy water* *laugh hysterically*
ACT I SCENE III
In Spain during the running of the bulls
Simmons: Come on Grif! Let's go run with the bulls!
Grif: What is this running of which you speak? I think I'll just stay here and jack off.
Simmons: Fine. You masturbate inside the house and I'll go have fun outside. We're in a foreign country, you could at least come out and see it! *leaves*
*(18 minutes later)**
ENTER SIMMONS, BADLY BLEEDING AND LIMPING
Grif: Simmons, did you get gored by one of the bulls?
Simmons: *wheezing* Yes...
Grif: You are a dumbass, or as they say here in Spain; Usted es muy estúpido y nadie tiene gusto de usted porque usted es los kiss-ass. Te quiero aunque usted es horrible en cama.
Simmons: That was an awful long way to say "You are a dumbass."
Grif: Well, in Spain everything takes three times as long, just ask the cute Spainyard I slept with while you were gone!
ACT I SCENE IV
In England
Simmons: I hate England.
Grif: I know you do baby...hey look! It's the queen!
Simmons: Where? I have some complaints I'd like to file *turns around, accidentally knocking the queen down a fight of stairs*
ENTER C-3PO
C-3PO: Oh my!
-END ACT I-
ACT II SCENE I
Vancouver, BC
Simmons: Wow, it's very cold here during the winter. Let's go knock on the door of that plain looking house to see if its occupant(s) will let us use their spare bedroom to "warm up."
Grif: Great idea Simmons. *knocks on door*
DARLA OPENS DOOR
Darla: Holy hell! What the fuck are you guys doing here?!
Simmons: Whoa! Aren't you our writer?
Darla: No. Your writers are guys...and they live in Texas. I just stole their ideas.
Grif: That's cool. Can we have sex in your spare room?
Darla: Sure. I'll make you some coco for when you're finished. Don't step on the cats! *pauses for a moment* Can I watch?
Simmons: Yeah, whatever.
Darla: Cool! I'll get the maple syrup!
-THE END-
A/N: That was almost painful to write. Roughly translated, the Spanish was: You are very stupid and nobody likes you because you are a kiss-ass. I love you even though you are horrible in bed. I love you Lawrence! You owe me a back rub for this!
That was horrible. Here's some slash (early) to make up for it as a reward for reading through it!
Chapter 5: Several Silences (I think your penis is just fine)
"Good morning, I'm Karri Johnson and you're watching Aloha Honolulu on news channel 247. I don't know about you but I couldn't help noticing the severity of that lightening storm last night! With more on that is Weatherman Chuck Andrews. Chuck?"
"Thanks Karri, and you were right to note how intense that storm was! It's pretty rare for us islanders to encounter hurricanes, especially out of season, but it looks like tropical storm Okelani might be kicking it up a couple notches. Now, it doesn't look like she'll make landfall, but there is a small craft advisory..."
Grif groaned and began looking for something to throw at the television. Who watched the morning news anyways? "Turn it off!"
Simmons chuckled and changed the channel to what appeared to be a Spanish soap opera.
"Can we not be multi-cultural this morning? Foreign languages make my brain hurt." He sighed and fell back down into bed, throwing an arm over his eyes.
"So you're racist now?" Simmons teased, looking delectable the way he sat Indian-style and totally relaxed. His hair was mussed and their stark white sheets barely covered his hips the way they were draped over him.
"Obviously not, I'm dating a Latino."
Dick cocked an eyebrow at Grif. "Oh? What's his name?"
"Simmons." He responded.
"Seriously Grif, this is getting old. I'm Dutch-Irish."
"Are not."
"I'm not huh? Then how do you explain the fact that I grew up in Ireland?"
"You didn't."
"Oh my God! Mandy took us to the lake I grew up by! It was in Ireland! You were there!"
"Was I? I don't particularly remember that day."
Grif had meant it as a joke but the sudden silence made it seem that his acting was too good. He sat up and tried to pull Simmons close to him, but was pushed away.
"Aww, sweetie, I didn't mean it." He tried to pull him closer again, but was once more rejected.
"Don't even joke about that Dex."
"Richard, look at me." Simmons did as he was asked and was tugged into Grif's lap. "I will never forget that day...or, uh, that night."
"Don't joke about that. Okay? That was the most important night of my life."
"The night you lost your virginity?" Grif frowned in confusion. "There's more to life than sex."
"No. That's the night I fell in love with you."
Another silence fell between them, but this one was for a completely different reason.
Dick pulled Grif down on top of him and murmured against his neck. "Shower?"
"Yes, but no sex. Please."
"But, we always have sex in the shower..." Simmons looked close to pouting.
"Not today." Grif shook his head. "Yesterday was too much for me. I'm sorry baby."
"Dexter, if there's something wrong then we should try fixing it instead of avoiding it altogether-"
"So now there's something wrong with me?"
"Well, obviously!"
"Am I not good enough for you then?!"
"Stop yelling!" Simmons scooched away from Grif and pulled his knees up to his chest protectively. "Two minutes ago we were swooning, how is it that we're fighting now?!"
Grif pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. "I don't know!"
They fell silent again, lost in their thoughts.
Simmons cleared his throat and wrapped his arms around his torso. "Let's try to discuss this calmly. Remember that I love you, and I don't think there's anything wrong with you."
"Fine." Grif ground out, clearly still angry.
"Since you can't climax seven times out of ten we can assume that there may be a problem. Since you can't get more than two erections in a day we can go beyond assuming and say we know that there is a problem."
"Okay, now that we've established the fact that my penis is broken, let's get a megaphone so we can announce it to the whole world and strip me of my last shred of dignity." Grif said, overly enthusiastic. He gave Simmons a glare that would have melted stone.
"Dex, your penis isn't broken. Don't be a dumbass."
"Well, you make it sound as though you think it is."
"Shhh." Dick leaned forward and pressed a finger to his lips. "I think your penis is just fine. I also think that one of the reasons there's been a lot of tension and fighting between us because we're both frustrated."
"Frustrated?"
"Yeah. Sexually I mean." Simmons clarified. "Maybe you should go see a Doctor."
"Or, maybe you can just come to terms with the fact that fucking four or five times a day isn't very realistic!" Grif stood and walked over to the closet, pulling out the nearest t-shirt and grabbing his jeans from the night before from the pile on the floor.
"We did that everyday for the first two months that we were together!"
"No, we did it the first couple days we were together! The month after that you were a total ass and wouldn't even let me tell you I loved you, and the month after that you were in the hospital! We had lots of sex then, but it wasn't four or five times a day, it only seemed that way because your medicine made you sleep the rest of the time!"
"Dexter, there are so many things I want to do with you. I can't help it, you're too damn sexy."
Grif sighed and tugged his jeans up over his hips. "Fine, I'll make an appointment."
"Thank you."
Warning: I'm posting this as a way to mock him (as is customary in our friendship) so it's really lame. No, I didn't come up with any of this. It's all on him. I can't believe I'm actually posting this...
ACT I SCENE I
Grif and Simmons have left their quaint apartment in Honolulu for a way of life that includes a lot less sex and a lot more bad writing!
Somewhere in the Australian Outback
Grif: Hey Simmons, look! I found a really cool snake! *holds up snake*
Simmons: Grif, you idiot! That's a Black Mamba! It's really poisinous! Put it down before it bites you!
Grif: Uh oh, it already bit me.
Simmons: You are a dumbass.
ENTER C-3PO
C-3PO: Oh my!
ACT I SCENE II
Somewhere in Greenland on a boat filled with Greenlanders
Simmons: *panting* Oh God Grif, that was the greatest sex I've ever had!
Grif: I know! I've never been in anything so well written!
Random Seal: *jumps on boat, tipping it over*
Everybody: *fall into icy water* *laugh hysterically*
ACT I SCENE III
In Spain during the running of the bulls
Simmons: Come on Grif! Let's go run with the bulls!
Grif: What is this running of which you speak? I think I'll just stay here and jack off.
Simmons: Fine. You masturbate inside the house and I'll go have fun outside. We're in a foreign country, you could at least come out and see it! *leaves*
*(18 minutes later)**
ENTER SIMMONS, BADLY BLEEDING AND LIMPING
Grif: Simmons, did you get gored by one of the bulls?
Simmons: *wheezing* Yes...
Grif: You are a dumbass, or as they say here in Spain; Usted es muy estúpido y nadie tiene gusto de usted porque usted es los kiss-ass. Te quiero aunque usted es horrible en cama.
Simmons: That was an awful long way to say "You are a dumbass."
Grif: Well, in Spain everything takes three times as long, just ask the cute Spainyard I slept with while you were gone!
ACT I SCENE IV
In England
Simmons: I hate England.
Grif: I know you do baby...hey look! It's the queen!
Simmons: Where? I have some complaints I'd like to file *turns around, accidentally knocking the queen down a fight of stairs*
ENTER C-3PO
C-3PO: Oh my!
-END ACT I-
ACT II SCENE I
Vancouver, BC
Simmons: Wow, it's very cold here during the winter. Let's go knock on the door of that plain looking house to see if its occupant(s) will let us use their spare bedroom to "warm up."
Grif: Great idea Simmons. *knocks on door*
DARLA OPENS DOOR
Darla: Holy hell! What the fuck are you guys doing here?!
Simmons: Whoa! Aren't you our writer?
Darla: No. Your writers are guys...and they live in Texas. I just stole their ideas.
Grif: That's cool. Can we have sex in your spare room?
Darla: Sure. I'll make you some coco for when you're finished. Don't step on the cats! *pauses for a moment* Can I watch?
Simmons: Yeah, whatever.
Darla: Cool! I'll get the maple syrup!
-THE END-
A/N: That was almost painful to write. Roughly translated, the Spanish was: You are very stupid and nobody likes you because you are a kiss-ass. I love you even though you are horrible in bed. I love you Lawrence! You owe me a back rub for this!
That was horrible. Here's some slash (early) to make up for it as a reward for reading through it!
Chapter 5: Several Silences (I think your penis is just fine)
"Good morning, I'm Karri Johnson and you're watching Aloha Honolulu on news channel 247. I don't know about you but I couldn't help noticing the severity of that lightening storm last night! With more on that is Weatherman Chuck Andrews. Chuck?"
"Thanks Karri, and you were right to note how intense that storm was! It's pretty rare for us islanders to encounter hurricanes, especially out of season, but it looks like tropical storm Okelani might be kicking it up a couple notches. Now, it doesn't look like she'll make landfall, but there is a small craft advisory..."
Grif groaned and began looking for something to throw at the television. Who watched the morning news anyways? "Turn it off!"
Simmons chuckled and changed the channel to what appeared to be a Spanish soap opera.
"Can we not be multi-cultural this morning? Foreign languages make my brain hurt." He sighed and fell back down into bed, throwing an arm over his eyes.
"So you're racist now?" Simmons teased, looking delectable the way he sat Indian-style and totally relaxed. His hair was mussed and their stark white sheets barely covered his hips the way they were draped over him.
"Obviously not, I'm dating a Latino."
Dick cocked an eyebrow at Grif. "Oh? What's his name?"
"Simmons." He responded.
"Seriously Grif, this is getting old. I'm Dutch-Irish."
"Are not."
"I'm not huh? Then how do you explain the fact that I grew up in Ireland?"
"You didn't."
"Oh my God! Mandy took us to the lake I grew up by! It was in Ireland! You were there!"
"Was I? I don't particularly remember that day."
Grif had meant it as a joke but the sudden silence made it seem that his acting was too good. He sat up and tried to pull Simmons close to him, but was pushed away.
"Aww, sweetie, I didn't mean it." He tried to pull him closer again, but was once more rejected.
"Don't even joke about that Dex."
"Richard, look at me." Simmons did as he was asked and was tugged into Grif's lap. "I will never forget that day...or, uh, that night."
"Don't joke about that. Okay? That was the most important night of my life."
"The night you lost your virginity?" Grif frowned in confusion. "There's more to life than sex."
"No. That's the night I fell in love with you."
Another silence fell between them, but this one was for a completely different reason.
Dick pulled Grif down on top of him and murmured against his neck. "Shower?"
"Yes, but no sex. Please."
"But, we always have sex in the shower..." Simmons looked close to pouting.
"Not today." Grif shook his head. "Yesterday was too much for me. I'm sorry baby."
"Dexter, if there's something wrong then we should try fixing it instead of avoiding it altogether-"
"So now there's something wrong with me?"
"Well, obviously!"
"Am I not good enough for you then?!"
"Stop yelling!" Simmons scooched away from Grif and pulled his knees up to his chest protectively. "Two minutes ago we were swooning, how is it that we're fighting now?!"
Grif pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. "I don't know!"
They fell silent again, lost in their thoughts.
Simmons cleared his throat and wrapped his arms around his torso. "Let's try to discuss this calmly. Remember that I love you, and I don't think there's anything wrong with you."
"Fine." Grif ground out, clearly still angry.
"Since you can't climax seven times out of ten we can assume that there may be a problem. Since you can't get more than two erections in a day we can go beyond assuming and say we know that there is a problem."
"Okay, now that we've established the fact that my penis is broken, let's get a megaphone so we can announce it to the whole world and strip me of my last shred of dignity." Grif said, overly enthusiastic. He gave Simmons a glare that would have melted stone.
"Dex, your penis isn't broken. Don't be a dumbass."
"Well, you make it sound as though you think it is."
"Shhh." Dick leaned forward and pressed a finger to his lips. "I think your penis is just fine. I also think that one of the reasons there's been a lot of tension and fighting between us because we're both frustrated."
"Frustrated?"
"Yeah. Sexually I mean." Simmons clarified. "Maybe you should go see a Doctor."
"Or, maybe you can just come to terms with the fact that fucking four or five times a day isn't very realistic!" Grif stood and walked over to the closet, pulling out the nearest t-shirt and grabbing his jeans from the night before from the pile on the floor.
"We did that everyday for the first two months that we were together!"
"No, we did it the first couple days we were together! The month after that you were a total ass and wouldn't even let me tell you I loved you, and the month after that you were in the hospital! We had lots of sex then, but it wasn't four or five times a day, it only seemed that way because your medicine made you sleep the rest of the time!"
"Dexter, there are so many things I want to do with you. I can't help it, you're too damn sexy."
Grif sighed and tugged his jeans up over his hips. "Fine, I'll make an appointment."
"Thank you."