(no subject)
just in case you all wanted to know about what is oing on
I recently got off my ass and finally enrolled myself in college. I was accepted to the Universty of South Florida and I'm actually kind ofexcited to go. hopeully m study hobits ill not benery asssbadas they becme senioryear of high scol cause that was really horrible. I myself was surprised that i ever gradiated. I'll be starting fall of 2006 yay. I want to major in business management because i figure if i have a scholarship why waste it :)
Other then school. Matt and I have broken things off. I decided it was the healthiest idea for me because I was too stressed out because of the long distance thing. I was tired of feeling guilty all the time because i needed to be held. Even now I'm lonely because i think i've been worried about things and because I've been really hard on myself lately. and I do mean hard on myself. I don't think i deserve the attention I get and I don't understand why people have this concept that I can get any guy i want. I never get the guys I want I don't know if it's because of me or because I give up before i ever fight for what I really want.
But back to matt. There's nothing in my mind that tells me I don't love him. In fact I love him like crazy but I think about things too much now that he's not here. I think about what it would really be like if he were here and honestly it scares me. I worry that I will become more of a mom then a girlfriend because he's never lived on his own before and neither have I. I worry that he won't take care of himself and I will always be more worried about him then anyone else that I could chose to be with. I worry that he will decide to move here to be with me and after a bit of being with hiim I will decide he's not the person i want to be with or I will just get bored and want someone else. I have a hard time focusing on the hopeful thoughts in the future because I've decided that nothing will ever work out in my head. There's so many people I care so much about but even if it weren't for the matt situation I still could not get involved because of the fact that even though i care about them I still could never truly see it working out. Always for one reason or another. Usually because of conflicting ideals on life. I want to settle down they want to wander.
Ironically though i want to settle I don't want to settle down quite yet I know i'm not ready to get married or anything nor do I find it a necessity. I just would like to have my place with someone i care about that I can sleep in their arms at night and wake up in the morning to their shinning face. I just want someone to share my life with someone that i know can calm me down when I'm stressed out and someone I can hold while i sleep some one that I can be intimate with is all i ask because i have this complete need to feel loved. I always have had the need to be with someone because I like to have someone that i can hold and play with their hair someone i can joke with and watch a movie with in their arms. For some reason I want my own place where I can do all these things. Mainly i want to be able to sleep in someone's arms because sleeping alone every night sucks. I don't care about kids or marriage I just want to be able to have someone special. Every person I could do it with though i know it would be short lived i know that they would decide they wanted to wander and I know I might be stuck not having anyone in the end. Either that or bad habits always happen to get in the way.
other then that I have a new job... I am now a sales associate at Gordon Food Service Marketplace. I like it most of the people there are pretty nice. I haven't really "found" my spot there because I usually end up working by myself so I never really get to know people but I will get to know them one day. But todya was hell because I threw my knee out bowling and working so i was in so much pain that I wasn't a happy camper to say the least.
oh racehl and i got kick ass tickets to the kenny chesney concert I probably owe rachel my soul now for pulling that one off... I love her.
So keep in mind ofr my b-day I think someone should offer up there house so we can all party there and I don't have to worry about dad not wanting people to drink because i don't truly give a shit but i respect my dad and there for can't do it here with my friends. So think about it a weekend around july20th I need a party house...... and for my b-day I want money not because I'm greedy but because I have like 550 in stuff that I want (1) my mixer yes i know i said i was going to buy it last year and Ididnt' get enough so i bought other things that i needed instead..... and (2) the cost of my kenny chesney concert which is 150.... anything more then that (if there is any will go towards my college fund because god knows i need all the help i can get. Anyway I don't really want gifts unleess they are something with meaning because I would rather have money and agreat card then have a gift that doesn't mean anyting to either you or me that you bought last minute because you were like oh shit it's cindy's b-day.
I guess that's about it folks.... take care now
love always cindy
I recently got off my ass and finally enrolled myself in college. I was accepted to the Universty of South Florida and I'm actually kind ofexcited to go. hopeully m study hobits ill not benery asssbadas they becme senioryear of high scol cause that was really horrible. I myself was surprised that i ever gradiated. I'll be starting fall of 2006 yay. I want to major in business management because i figure if i have a scholarship why waste it :)
Other then school. Matt and I have broken things off. I decided it was the healthiest idea for me because I was too stressed out because of the long distance thing. I was tired of feeling guilty all the time because i needed to be held. Even now I'm lonely because i think i've been worried about things and because I've been really hard on myself lately. and I do mean hard on myself. I don't think i deserve the attention I get and I don't understand why people have this concept that I can get any guy i want. I never get the guys I want I don't know if it's because of me or because I give up before i ever fight for what I really want.
But back to matt. There's nothing in my mind that tells me I don't love him. In fact I love him like crazy but I think about things too much now that he's not here. I think about what it would really be like if he were here and honestly it scares me. I worry that I will become more of a mom then a girlfriend because he's never lived on his own before and neither have I. I worry that he won't take care of himself and I will always be more worried about him then anyone else that I could chose to be with. I worry that he will decide to move here to be with me and after a bit of being with hiim I will decide he's not the person i want to be with or I will just get bored and want someone else. I have a hard time focusing on the hopeful thoughts in the future because I've decided that nothing will ever work out in my head. There's so many people I care so much about but even if it weren't for the matt situation I still could not get involved because of the fact that even though i care about them I still could never truly see it working out. Always for one reason or another. Usually because of conflicting ideals on life. I want to settle down they want to wander.
Ironically though i want to settle I don't want to settle down quite yet I know i'm not ready to get married or anything nor do I find it a necessity. I just would like to have my place with someone i care about that I can sleep in their arms at night and wake up in the morning to their shinning face. I just want someone to share my life with someone that i know can calm me down when I'm stressed out and someone I can hold while i sleep some one that I can be intimate with is all i ask because i have this complete need to feel loved. I always have had the need to be with someone because I like to have someone that i can hold and play with their hair someone i can joke with and watch a movie with in their arms. For some reason I want my own place where I can do all these things. Mainly i want to be able to sleep in someone's arms because sleeping alone every night sucks. I don't care about kids or marriage I just want to be able to have someone special. Every person I could do it with though i know it would be short lived i know that they would decide they wanted to wander and I know I might be stuck not having anyone in the end. Either that or bad habits always happen to get in the way.
other then that I have a new job... I am now a sales associate at Gordon Food Service Marketplace. I like it most of the people there are pretty nice. I haven't really "found" my spot there because I usually end up working by myself so I never really get to know people but I will get to know them one day. But todya was hell because I threw my knee out bowling and working so i was in so much pain that I wasn't a happy camper to say the least.
oh racehl and i got kick ass tickets to the kenny chesney concert I probably owe rachel my soul now for pulling that one off... I love her.
So keep in mind ofr my b-day I think someone should offer up there house so we can all party there and I don't have to worry about dad not wanting people to drink because i don't truly give a shit but i respect my dad and there for can't do it here with my friends. So think about it a weekend around july20th I need a party house...... and for my b-day I want money not because I'm greedy but because I have like 550 in stuff that I want (1) my mixer yes i know i said i was going to buy it last year and Ididnt' get enough so i bought other things that i needed instead..... and (2) the cost of my kenny chesney concert which is 150.... anything more then that (if there is any will go towards my college fund because god knows i need all the help i can get. Anyway I don't really want gifts unleess they are something with meaning because I would rather have money and agreat card then have a gift that doesn't mean anyting to either you or me that you bought last minute because you were like oh shit it's cindy's b-day.
I guess that's about it folks.... take care now
love always cindy