(no subject)
Ok, so I am at work and we are really dead, so I figured I would use word and write this now and then paste it into Lj later.
I just talked to Chris, last night we talked for a while online and then on the phone for over an hour. We both agreed friends wont work.. So we’ll see, I just asked him if he could tell me what he wanted, and all that. I mean yes I want to be with him, and I miss him, it’s just, well, I am afraid to get back with him and then neither of us change, and then we deal for a few months until another breakout find and things are over again. Right now I am now I am not looking to date anyone other than him, and I am not interested in picking up where I left off in January. Tonight I have plans to go to a party for Agnieszka at the Canuck’s place, Monica is supposed to come too, and we’re all planning to have a few drinks and just hangout, we all have to work the next day and yeah…so I wont be retarded about it, but if Chris and I are getting back together I wont be partying like I have been. On one hand I feel like I am I dunno, scratch that sentence.
Anyway, I want to be with Chris, and I want things to work, I never said forever, so I am not expecting that, I just want a healthy happy, 50% 50% relationship this time around. And OMG FUCKING FLIES SUCK they are everywhere and keep landing on my face grr…. So anyway, back to what I was saying, Chris and I need to work a lot together to make all this shit happen, and it’s not going to happen overnight, I honestly think I wont be “crazy” if I feel he truly cares and wants to make this work and we try. But the bottom line may turn out to be that I care more for him than he does for me, and that I will give in too easily. But until I know exactly how he feels and what he wants, then I should just stop thinking about it, and just let it go, yanno what I am saying? So here we go. Jillian gets to play the let’s wait and see what happens. And just breathe.
I feel better I guess, a little. But I don’t want to hurt anymore. No more games, I can’t take them anymore.
I just talked to Chris, last night we talked for a while online and then on the phone for over an hour. We both agreed friends wont work.. So we’ll see, I just asked him if he could tell me what he wanted, and all that. I mean yes I want to be with him, and I miss him, it’s just, well, I am afraid to get back with him and then neither of us change, and then we deal for a few months until another breakout find and things are over again. Right now I am now I am not looking to date anyone other than him, and I am not interested in picking up where I left off in January. Tonight I have plans to go to a party for Agnieszka at the Canuck’s place, Monica is supposed to come too, and we’re all planning to have a few drinks and just hangout, we all have to work the next day and yeah…so I wont be retarded about it, but if Chris and I are getting back together I wont be partying like I have been. On one hand I feel like I am I dunno, scratch that sentence.
Anyway, I want to be with Chris, and I want things to work, I never said forever, so I am not expecting that, I just want a healthy happy, 50% 50% relationship this time around. And OMG FUCKING FLIES SUCK they are everywhere and keep landing on my face grr…. So anyway, back to what I was saying, Chris and I need to work a lot together to make all this shit happen, and it’s not going to happen overnight, I honestly think I wont be “crazy” if I feel he truly cares and wants to make this work and we try. But the bottom line may turn out to be that I care more for him than he does for me, and that I will give in too easily. But until I know exactly how he feels and what he wants, then I should just stop thinking about it, and just let it go, yanno what I am saying? So here we go. Jillian gets to play the let’s wait and see what happens. And just breathe.
I feel better I guess, a little. But I don’t want to hurt anymore. No more games, I can’t take them anymore.