(no subject)
It's been a very long and thoughtful weekend.
I spent it in Dallas with my other family.
The reason for my trip was to go and visit my grandmother who was sick, dying of cancer.
My father told me, the day of my departure, that my grandma had been released from the hospital, they hospital couldn't do anything for her, she only has a few days to live, and she was staying in the same house as me. I wasn't sure what to expect when I got there, I didn't know how this would take it's toll on me emotionally. I got there pretty late at night and she was awake.
I wanted to cry when I saw her, she looked so weak, so helpless, so un-deserving. She was very happy to see me, she smiled as much as her body permitted. She told me I look beautiful, that the dentist really made my smile look great. I was just so happy to see her, yet so sad that this is what she has to go through.
The next two days I didn't go upstairs to her room at all. I was so afraid to see, to possibly find her gone, that she wouldn't wake up. I feel like i wasted two of the very last days that I would have with her all because I was afraid. I talked to a friend of mine who gave me the courage, ideas of what to say to her.
So on my last day...today, I went upstairs to see if she was awake. She was. I just wanted some alone time. I didn't want my dad, brother, or step mother to see me cry. I wanted to talk to her, even if I didn't know what the topic of conversation was. I wanted to lay with her.
So i went into the room and told her hello, layed down next to her and just looked into her eyes. I was so mad. I don't know who i can point to finger to. She is such a sweet innocent lady, never smoked, kept healthy, although she did have herself a sweet tooth. Why her, Why anyone, Why should anyone have to die like this. Suffering, slowly.
Whilst i was laying with this was our conversation.
"Mija, your hair is so dark and beautiful, you are so beautiful. You are leaving back home soon right?"
"Yes, i go home at 3."
"Are you going to school?"
"Yes."
"Holmes right? That's a good school."
( I broke down crying, not hysterically, but silently.)
"I love you grandma. I love you so much"
"I feel so weak Mija"
I could see tears trying to fall from her eyes as I then kissed her hand and grabbed it to hold. I just layed there with her, trying not to show her that I was sad. Trying not to make her feel anymore emotion than she already was.
We were then interrupted by my step mom who came to fed her. So I left the room.
After that I had to leave shortly, and my grandmother had fallen back asleep. Everyone was ready to leave downstairs, and I knew it was time to offically say my last good bye to my grandma. So I went upstairs While everyone waited for me.
I went upstairs to find her sleeping. I didn't know what to do, to wake her, tell her i love her and that I will be seeing her. Or to just let her sleep peacefully, that way she is not awake feeling the pain.
I chose to let her sleep. All i could do was look at her and know that this is the last time we will see eachother on earth. It was my last goodbye. I hope she isn't mad that I didnt wake her. Maybe I should of. It's killing me to know that is the last time I will see her, that way. She told me she was afraid of what lies ahead. She's afraid to be alone on the other side.
Why her? I just don't understand why anyone should have to die such a way. I wish we could have been closer, I wish I would have cared more to visit her when she was well and in san antonio. Instead it took her getting sick and dying for me to fly to dallas and say my goodbyes. And the whole time I was there i was too fucking scared. I don't know whats wrong with me. Why i wasted the precious time. I can't stop crying now. It hurts so much.
This is natural though. I know so many people whom I am close to in this life. And each one will die. Some closer than others, but none-the-less, I will have to go through this again.
And it isn't even and (I) situation, i'm thinking about the other side.