No. Standard. Solution. Exists.
I've done a full circle by now. What once was a sleep schedule that woke before dawn full productivity has been replaced by the unfulfilled purposeless night-owl regimen of staying up most of the night. If I remember right, I pulled that 180 within five days of being laid off. I think I realized why this is. When I'm a night owl, the passage of time seems slower. You don't have a deadline to adhere to so you don't stress as much. Of course, there's also the ability to conduct my day with impunity from nagging. It's easier to enjoy myself without such distractions.
But that's not where I want to steer this entry. Since being stranded at this house I've been more aware of the lifestyle of my parents and how I disagree with it. I think my parents party way too damn much. As I understand it, this weekend the majority of the waking hours were spent hammered at a bar, or riding the motorcycle to or from the bar sometimes DUI. Particularly I remember staying up Saturday night when they stumbled in at about 0300. They didn't seem to care that they had a prior engagement to go party with more friends the next day. So they forcibly drag themselves out of bed at 0800 so they could go spend the day on a party pontoon boat with a cooler of alcohol in tow, of course.
Most weekends they don't really plan on going out and drinking, but find an excuse to do so anyway. Now to clarify they're not completely wasted on these occasions, but they are pretty drunk whenever I see them. It's just whenever I think about how they spend their leisure time, it almost always involves alcohol. Sometimes they even go out to the bar on a weeknight to an event called "Bike Night". Which is shameless excuse for bikers to visit the local bar, which encourages them to ride home intoxicated.
I'm not concerned for their health, because they both smoke on top on this behavior so I figure they're screwed anyway. I think it's a terrible precedent that you have to be intoxicated to enjoy your downtime. Surely, life isn't so bad when you're sober?
So I brought my concerns up with Mom today. I don't think she acknowledged a single point I made. She said that since my brother and I were both grown, she and Dad were doing more of what they want to do now that they have the time. I thought this was a weird excuse considering they've been doing this crap for at least five years or so. I remember in high school having to stay at a friend's house on the weekends because their visiting biker buddies would be put off by a teenager at their wild party and they needed my bedroom. Not to mention the times when I would be alone on the weekends because my parents would disappear to yet another crazy bike rally. She said that they were doing what they wanted to do while they still could. I didn't have the heart to tell them that they could have taken some kickass vacations with all the money they've been blowing on bar tabs. They could have visited Colorado Springs where they first met, or holidayed in Germany where I was born. There was a time when we truly couldn't afford such luxuries, but now that's no longer an excuse. They just take the extra money for granted and waste it. She mentioned that Dad was entertaining the idea that they should go on their first cruise sometime. I was surprised to hear this, and remarked that they could have the money together and leave in three months, easy. To which she replied that they would do what they could to save up and maybe take a trip next year. Ah, so that makes it just a pipe dream.
I told her that I didn't understand why they always had to involve alcohol when they were with "friends". She merely threw it back on me that I had no social skills and wouldn't understand. At the time, I merely took that as a cop out and didn't get offended. How am I supposed to relate to any of their friends when I have no common ground with them? Besides, whenever I go with them to such an outing they always offer me beer when I'm underage. I then cite that I'm an Air Force DEP member and can't violate the Uniform Code of Military Justice. They would brush that aside and suggest I drink anyway because I wouldn't get caught, completely ignoring the implied integrity of prior statement. But I digress. She went on to say that there simply wasn't anything else to do. Without their parties and motorcyle nonsense there would be nothing left but idly watching TV. I tried to get her to reexamine her reasoning, by asking her what was to blame for them not having any alternative means to enjoy themselves rather than getting drunk all the time. She never answered me. Our conservation concluded without yielding any results.
It greatly bothers me to hear that Mom's only hobby is partying or nothing. I don't even want to ask Dad what he thinks about his habits, because he's a much worse case. I suspect they'll continue this behavior for some time, maybe for the rest of their lives. I can only learn from their vices, just like I do with their smoking and my brother's weed habit. Later in life I plan to drink somewhat, but only on celebratory occasions in good company.
---
So my Air Force DEP meeting is tomorrow. This will be my third meeting and my third month in the DEP with no confirmed AFSC. Frankly, I'm pessimistic. It would seem that the chances of the Air Force choosing me for any of the jobs I have listed are slim. I'm no longer excited about anything the Air Force has to offer, because I can't accept it as a possibility at this time. Sure, I may wear my Air Force shirt to the meetings but that doesn't mean I believe in it. I don't and never have considered myself "In the Air Force" until I hear when they will send me off to BMT. Everything else just a charade. I'm just a candidate, not a recruit. And the possibility of the Air Force discharging me next year for not striking a job is very real. I can't even get my hopes up that I will be leaving this rural hellhole by December.
What do I even have to look forward to these days? My greatest desire right now is to earn my way to living in my own apartment with modern internet options. But that dream is still rather distant. My construction job is dicey, and even if they hire me back it will be under another temporary project. Nothing I can rely on to pay for my upkeep.
So what do I do in the meantime? More of the same. Sleeping late because I have no reason to wake up in the morning. When I get up, I usually turn my attention to the Xbox, but even that has lost it's flavor lately as I've already burned through my new titles. The internet isn't satisfying because I can only use so much of it with that damn stingy 5 gigabyte monthly allowance. I'll occasionally catch FMA:B or Kekkaishi when they're playing. They're fine and all but that's only one hour a week of new content. I sure miss Venture Brothers.
So yes, my life is boring and without purpose once again. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed at the moment. I'm just very very tired of expecting my life to improve later down the road while being powerless to do so in the present moment. I've felt this way constantly ever since I graduated in 2008. It's hell I tell you. I'm reminded of a quote from Fooly Cooly that sums up this feeling.
"Everyday we spend here is like a lifetime of dying slowly."
I'm not going to leave this with some sort of upbeat message about how I will persevere because I know it will get better. Fuck that. I sleep better with realism.
But that's not where I want to steer this entry. Since being stranded at this house I've been more aware of the lifestyle of my parents and how I disagree with it. I think my parents party way too damn much. As I understand it, this weekend the majority of the waking hours were spent hammered at a bar, or riding the motorcycle to or from the bar sometimes DUI. Particularly I remember staying up Saturday night when they stumbled in at about 0300. They didn't seem to care that they had a prior engagement to go party with more friends the next day. So they forcibly drag themselves out of bed at 0800 so they could go spend the day on a party pontoon boat with a cooler of alcohol in tow, of course.
Most weekends they don't really plan on going out and drinking, but find an excuse to do so anyway. Now to clarify they're not completely wasted on these occasions, but they are pretty drunk whenever I see them. It's just whenever I think about how they spend their leisure time, it almost always involves alcohol. Sometimes they even go out to the bar on a weeknight to an event called "Bike Night". Which is shameless excuse for bikers to visit the local bar, which encourages them to ride home intoxicated.
I'm not concerned for their health, because they both smoke on top on this behavior so I figure they're screwed anyway. I think it's a terrible precedent that you have to be intoxicated to enjoy your downtime. Surely, life isn't so bad when you're sober?
So I brought my concerns up with Mom today. I don't think she acknowledged a single point I made. She said that since my brother and I were both grown, she and Dad were doing more of what they want to do now that they have the time. I thought this was a weird excuse considering they've been doing this crap for at least five years or so. I remember in high school having to stay at a friend's house on the weekends because their visiting biker buddies would be put off by a teenager at their wild party and they needed my bedroom. Not to mention the times when I would be alone on the weekends because my parents would disappear to yet another crazy bike rally. She said that they were doing what they wanted to do while they still could. I didn't have the heart to tell them that they could have taken some kickass vacations with all the money they've been blowing on bar tabs. They could have visited Colorado Springs where they first met, or holidayed in Germany where I was born. There was a time when we truly couldn't afford such luxuries, but now that's no longer an excuse. They just take the extra money for granted and waste it. She mentioned that Dad was entertaining the idea that they should go on their first cruise sometime. I was surprised to hear this, and remarked that they could have the money together and leave in three months, easy. To which she replied that they would do what they could to save up and maybe take a trip next year. Ah, so that makes it just a pipe dream.
I told her that I didn't understand why they always had to involve alcohol when they were with "friends". She merely threw it back on me that I had no social skills and wouldn't understand. At the time, I merely took that as a cop out and didn't get offended. How am I supposed to relate to any of their friends when I have no common ground with them? Besides, whenever I go with them to such an outing they always offer me beer when I'm underage. I then cite that I'm an Air Force DEP member and can't violate the Uniform Code of Military Justice. They would brush that aside and suggest I drink anyway because I wouldn't get caught, completely ignoring the implied integrity of prior statement. But I digress. She went on to say that there simply wasn't anything else to do. Without their parties and motorcyle nonsense there would be nothing left but idly watching TV. I tried to get her to reexamine her reasoning, by asking her what was to blame for them not having any alternative means to enjoy themselves rather than getting drunk all the time. She never answered me. Our conservation concluded without yielding any results.
It greatly bothers me to hear that Mom's only hobby is partying or nothing. I don't even want to ask Dad what he thinks about his habits, because he's a much worse case. I suspect they'll continue this behavior for some time, maybe for the rest of their lives. I can only learn from their vices, just like I do with their smoking and my brother's weed habit. Later in life I plan to drink somewhat, but only on celebratory occasions in good company.
---
So my Air Force DEP meeting is tomorrow. This will be my third meeting and my third month in the DEP with no confirmed AFSC. Frankly, I'm pessimistic. It would seem that the chances of the Air Force choosing me for any of the jobs I have listed are slim. I'm no longer excited about anything the Air Force has to offer, because I can't accept it as a possibility at this time. Sure, I may wear my Air Force shirt to the meetings but that doesn't mean I believe in it. I don't and never have considered myself "In the Air Force" until I hear when they will send me off to BMT. Everything else just a charade. I'm just a candidate, not a recruit. And the possibility of the Air Force discharging me next year for not striking a job is very real. I can't even get my hopes up that I will be leaving this rural hellhole by December.
What do I even have to look forward to these days? My greatest desire right now is to earn my way to living in my own apartment with modern internet options. But that dream is still rather distant. My construction job is dicey, and even if they hire me back it will be under another temporary project. Nothing I can rely on to pay for my upkeep.
So what do I do in the meantime? More of the same. Sleeping late because I have no reason to wake up in the morning. When I get up, I usually turn my attention to the Xbox, but even that has lost it's flavor lately as I've already burned through my new titles. The internet isn't satisfying because I can only use so much of it with that damn stingy 5 gigabyte monthly allowance. I'll occasionally catch FMA:B or Kekkaishi when they're playing. They're fine and all but that's only one hour a week of new content. I sure miss Venture Brothers.
So yes, my life is boring and without purpose once again. I wouldn't say that I'm depressed at the moment. I'm just very very tired of expecting my life to improve later down the road while being powerless to do so in the present moment. I've felt this way constantly ever since I graduated in 2008. It's hell I tell you. I'm reminded of a quote from Fooly Cooly that sums up this feeling.
"Everyday we spend here is like a lifetime of dying slowly."
I'm not going to leave this with some sort of upbeat message about how I will persevere because I know it will get better. Fuck that. I sleep better with realism.