How to Talk to a Wall

[spectralbovine]

Every time my dad drives me to the airport, we have the same conversation. If you can call it that.

Comments

[not_vacillating]

Popping in (I know I rarely comment) to give you *hugs* and say that I, too, know other fannish Indians, so it might well be worth keeping your eyes open for them. (I'd refer you straight to my dear Indian friend if she wasn't British rather than American.)

I know how it is to feel that you can't sort out which parts of your parent's beliefs you agree with, and which you don't. It seems to me, though, that you're at least moving in the right direction (seeing the racism inherent in the things your father says, for example).

I don't know if this would help you, but the way I've eased the stress of calling home/family calling me is to move from actual phonecalls to skype/msn/googletalk systems which are a) free, and b) allow you to see whether someone's got time to talk before you call. It does require getting the family online and set up, but it has major benefits in terms of ease of use. Especially with MSN, you can be logged in but appear offline, and thus choose with whom you will communicate. It might put you back in control of how often you talk and at what times.

[spectralbovine]

Thank you so much for the reassurance that there are people out there for me.

As for the MSN stuff, my parents are fairly technologically illiterate and hardly use the computer at all. And, honestly, I really don't want to talk to them over the computer. The computer is my safe space. I get weirded out enough talking to my cousins on IM.

[not_vacillating]

You're welcome. I know I've needed to hear that at various times in the past.

Fair enough-- I just wanted to pass on what had worked for me. There are other approaches, of course; a friend of mine decided to cut down how often his parents called by dropping into conversation examples of offspring who called much less often. He'd say, "Ah, good to speak to you again, mum-- do you know, I have a friend who only calls home when he wants money?" and the next time she called, "Hello again! It feels like I spoke to you only yesterday-- oh, wait, I did. Quite unlike everyone else who only hears from nhome once a month." I suspect it worked in his case because his mother cared deeply about being seen as normal-- I fear your parents could easily take it as evidence that they were so much better than the parents of your friends, and call even more often.

[spectralbovine]

Oh yes. They don't want to be like those white people, remember?

[not_vacillating]

Yes indeed. I typed that and then went, wait, that won't work exactly as described. I do wonder, though, if it could be varied to produce something which would work-- but really only you can work that out, I suspect. In the meantime, I agree with those who are suggesting that seeking fannish Indians rather than merely Indians is a good way to go. (Have you checked just in case there's a lj-comm for just such a purpose? There's an lj-comm for nearly everything, after all.)

[spectralbovine]

Heh. I should try to look. I joined a couple Desi comms that I never check, since they're just general comms.

[not_vacillating]

I have to confess I don't know what the best search terms would be!

Good idea. If you find people that with whom you have other things in common, you'll be off to a good start. When you've watched them for a while, you could think about making an introduction post mentioning your fandoms, or starting a dicussion thread about TV and/or books, or even asking if anyone else there has problems with their parents disliking their mix of friends! Just as b.org conversations tend to spread from fandom outwards, conversations about other things can often be steered in such a way that you bring the fannish people out of the woodwork. I know that's worked for me in the past (e.g. with fellow university students).

Overflowing with advice, aren't I?

[spectralbovine]

I perused desixtc again and found that it was, indeed, very, very Indian, but...I guess that's the best place to meet some Indians, right? Maybe I'll become more Indian that way. Plus, one girl made a Heroes post. I added the comm to my flist so maybe I would keep up with it and find interesting posts and people.

[not_vacillating]

That's a good start. If you've got anything at all to say, replying to the Heroes post or comments on it might be worthwhile. At the very least, having a fandom conversation in an Indian community will reassure you that it is possible!

Also, I should have said this earlier, relax. I think that if you're happy with your friends and yourself, more people you want to be friends with will come to you, and who cares where they're from.

[spectralbovine]

MY PARENTS. THAT'S WHO.

I would have replied to the Heroes post, but it's from May. I'll wait for a better opportunity. Or make my own, when I come up with a Craigslist post.

[not_vacillating]

Obviously. But is it any of their business? (Out of pure curiosity, do they really only mix within the Indian community themselves?)

Fair enough. At the very least it can give you hope that someone might reply to a post of yours on that kind of topic.

[spectralbovine]

For the most part, yeah, it seems like everything they do is with other Indian people. Not that they don't have a few white friends, but when it comes to being social, it's basically only Indians.