Worldcon 2014: The Totally Abridged Edition
Last year's Worldcon in idyllic San Antonio was a life-changing experience, but this year's Worldcon in idyllic London was the experience of a lifetime!
I totally met Kieron Gillen in the Comics Unmasked exhibit through the power of Twitter. I totally thought our hotel reservation was for Wednesday but it was totally for Thursday. Amy totally saved me by letting me crash with her. Her butter chicken totally tasted like butter and my "green chili" naan was totally just naan with cilantro chutney. Rina totally gave me British cream soda. A literary agent totally asked me if I was from India. Someone totally recognized me from my Twitter icon. Everyone totally recognized me from my Twitter icon.
I totally woke up earlier than necessary to sign up for Kaffeeklatsches but I totally signed up for all the people I wanted to see. I totally met John Hornor Jacobs as he was checking in for our room. The gaming tent totally had GIANT PANDEMIC and GIANT TICKET TO RIDE. The Harry Potter-themed Opening Ceremonies were totally adorable. Listening to Lauren Beukes talk about writing and her career was totally inspiring. Emma Newman totally told us she was going to Kickstart the fourth Split Worlds book before she told everyone else. I was totally afraid of Peter Newman because he sounds so much like Latimer on Tea and Jeopardy. Mur Lafferty has totally arrived since someone at her Literary Beer did not even know she did podcasts. I was totally a cyborg cat with a lobster hat. I totally met Andrea Phillips in the gaming tent and Foz Meadows in the Helsinki tent. In the span of five minutes I totally ran into a Twitter friend, Julia, Moss, Miriam, Kate Elliott, Rhiannon Rasmussen-Silverstein, and Sarah Rees Brennan, which was TOTALLY WORLDCON. Mark totally wasn't sure whether he was allowed to say "eyefucking." Mary Robinette Kowal totally took a DeLorean to the Retro Hugos. I totally geeked out about the Mahabharata with Max Gladstone. The Lee Harris-hosted Sorry I Haven't a Clue was totally hilarious. Emma Newman totally sang "I Would Do Anything for Love" to the tune of "I'm a Believer." Paul Cornell totally made up clever fake headlines. Cat Valente and Seanan totally share a brain. Victoria Schwab and I totally spent half her reading talking about Edinburgh and Nashville. Amal El-Mohtar was totally excited to meet me because she totally didn't know I would be there. I had totally been a little face on Twitter and now I was totally a real person. Everyone was totally at the Fan Village bar. Julia totally signed my copy of Kaleidoscope and was totally sure she would be seeing more from me because she totally knew I could write. Andrea totally got a promotion but Wesley Chu was totally smug about not having a day job anymore. I totally met people from Twitter everywhere I went.
I totally chatted with Lauren Beukes as we Strolled with the Stars. Paul Cornell and Mary Anne Mohanraj were totally interviewed by the Guardian alfresco. Amy totally thinks the hot new thing that everyone is writing now that will be so wrong in 75 years is QUANTUM EVERYTHING. Emma Newman totally thinks of Twitter as a giant pub. Justin Landon totally taught Emma how to high-five. Goldeen Ogawa was totally my favorite person on the Diversity in Comics panel. I totally congratulated Tansy Rayner Roberts on her Best Fan Writer Hugo a year late. I totally got my Kaleidoscope signed by four more authors at the release party. Foz totally ate a lollipop with a fucking scorpion inside it. Amal El-Mohtar made a totally brilliant comparison between stories and sculptures to illustrate non-Western modes of storytelling. I was totally excited to be on a panel with Gavia Baker-Whitelaw from the Daily Dot, whom I got to know through the totally circuitous route of liking her comments on Noelle Stevenson's Twitter. We totally discussed fandom interaction with writers and actors for ninety minutes and it was totally fun. I totally mentioned Hannibal over and over. I totally didn't know the moderator of the panel was one of my Twitter followers. A Twitter friend and I were totally wearing the same Veronica Mars Kickstarter shirt. The tiki Dalek would totally destroy the Cybermen with one cocktail. Julia totally ran her panel about what teens like to read by asking actual teens to tell us what they liked to read. Carl Engle-Laird totally invited me to join his dinner table where we totally discussed the Hugos. Mint Leaves chicken tikka masala totally did not taste like chicken tikka masala but it was totally the best food in the ExCel. The food at the SFWA Reception was totally bewildering. You can totally go wrong with box wine. Ellen Datlow totally doesn't like the term "sci-fi." I totally told her my whole writing life story and she totally introduced me to perennial Fan Writer winner David Langford. I totally met a million people from Codex with cool Codex stickers on their badges. Being Amy's +1 totally helped my writing career. Sarah Rees Brennan and I had briefly met but totally did not exchange political views. Sarah was totally fucking delightful and told several totally wonderful stories. She totally got into trouble with the police in Mexico and attracted serial killers in graveyards. Everyone totally knows me as that guy who wrote about that fucking Nebulas panel. Stiles from One Direction totally has four nipples. Foz totally joined Mark for his late night event. Mark totally ruined everything for everyone for three hours.
I totally geeked out about Orphan Black to a completely full room of Orphan Black fans. A fellow panelist totally made me see a character in a more positive light. I totally dropped some show trivia that I totally thought was common knowledge but totally made the audience go "Wow." Emma Newman's Fear and Writing workshop totally drudged up an unpleasant memory that almost made me cry but everyone else was totally emotional and teary too. Mary Robinette Kowal totally joined me for lunch and we totally exchanged emotional stories. She totally gave me her new fancy business card for people she wants to keep in touch with. I totally stopped to say hi to Seanan on the way to Mary's reading and there was totally only one seat left when I got here. I totally gave it to another woman in case she'd never seen Mary before ever. I totally appreciated the Organization for Transformative Works tent and totally chilled out in there a few times. Zen Cho was totally charming in the South and Southeast Asian SFF panel. Game of Thrones is totally like Pakistani politics. I totally signed up for Zen Cho's Kaffeeklatsch because she was so totally charming. Robert Jackson Bennett totally failed to murder me and instead totally gave me an ARC of City of Stairs. Kate Elliott was totally proud of her understanding the rules of Gloom. Samson the Bearded Man totally got married twice. The panelists on the Cornetto Trilogy panel totally ate Cornettos during the panel. Carl totally quoted me in his panel about the Hugo short fiction nominees. The moderator of our New Supers panel totally introduced herself as "annoying." We totally did not talk about anything we discussed over e-mail but it was totally fun to chat about superhero comics with Mike Carey. Someone in the audience totally thought I was "utterly charming." I am totally dead to Mike Carey because I haven't read anything by him. Tobias Buckell totally wears that hat. He totally wore that hat and told us a hilarious story about Dave Truesdale. I totally met The Book Smugglers. A blogger totally took a picture of my S.H.I.E.L.D./HYDRA shirt. She totally asked where she could read me and I totally gave her my card. All the cool kids were totally at Seanan's concert. Rhiannon totally gave me Chocolate Creme Oreos to make up for a totally bland chicken sandwich. I totally wanted to take a picture with Sarah Rees Brennan because I thought she was delightful and she totally wanted to take a picture with me because she thought I was delightful. John Hornor Jacobs totally put me on the list for the Gollancz party but they totally weren't checking by the time I arrived. Miriam is totally a jerk who's read Charlie Jane Anders's book. My notes totally say "Bennett weirdo" and I totally don't know what that could possibly be referring to. Two women thought it would sound totally weird but they totally heard about me from Seanan and Mark and I sounded cool and they totally saw me on panels and I seemed cool so they totally wanted to say hi.
They were totally playing Quidditch in the Fan Village. I totally wore a llama shirt in honor of Kameron Hurley. I totally let the women talk more about feminism and magical girl. Miriam totally had notes. All of our imaginations have totally been colonized by the dominant narrative. Someone totally tried to whitesplain Diversity in YA panel and they totally wouldn't have it. My recommendation of Kaleidoscope totally caused a run on sales. I totally let the smarter people talk more about secrecy in science. I was totally the corporate shill. Sarah Rees Brennan totally had the longest signing line. Charles Stross's reading was totally full and I totally camped out in front of the room to get him to sign my book. I totally held a Hugo and it was totally heavy. Zen Cho's Kaffeeklatsch totally turned into a mini panel/discussion on the Malaysian education system and gender bias in fiction. I looked totally dashing in my suit and Amy looked totally lovely in her dress for the Hugos. I totally did not talk to Peter Davison at the reception because I'd totally never seen any Five episodes but Cat Valente totally fangirled him. I totally met David Tennant and he totally smiled when I said I loved him in Blackpool. I totally chatted casually with D.B. Weiss but totally sounded like a blithering idiot to David Benioff. Men were totally wearing rainbow ties. We totally sat one row behind GRRM and two rows in front of David Tennant. Kameron Hurley totally wrote great speeches. Cory Doctorow totally wore a cape and goggles. I totally saw David Tennant laugh at a scene from "The Day of the Doctor." Sad Puppies were totally sad. I totally never talked to GRRM at all. Someone totally brought a robot as their +1. I totally wished Andrea Phillips and I had spent more time together so we totally did that then. I totally introduced Andrea to Sarah Rees Brennan. People were totally showing my gentlemen dinosaurs tie to other people. John totally wondered whether I ever slept.
More than three people totally showed up for Kate Elliott's reading. Kate should totally read audiobooks. The Compleat Wrks of Wllm Shkspr (Abridged) was a totally hilarious way to end Worldcon. Chatting with people in the lobby and meeting more people from Twitter was a totally chill way to end Worldcon. Running into people on the Metro platform and riding the DLR with a co-panelist and audience member was a totally nice way to end Worldcon. My hostel room was totally smaller than my hotel room. I totally met Mark Does Stuff mods and was totally met by Mark Does Stuff readers. My peas were totally mushy. Mark is totally not your fucking Google. I totally gave Mark the gift of explaining a Gurren Lagann reference in "Gurren Jesus." Mark totally had to explain who Chester Cheetah was to British people. I am totally too old to stay in hostels.
I totally had an English breakfast on my last day in London again. I totally smuggled blackcurrant squash again. I was totally randomly selected for secondary screening. Mark and Johnny were totally on my flight home. I totally finished Zen Cho's story collection and read Daryl Gregory's novella. I totally need to write more fiction.
I totally met Kieron Gillen in the Comics Unmasked exhibit through the power of Twitter. I totally thought our hotel reservation was for Wednesday but it was totally for Thursday. Amy totally saved me by letting me crash with her. Her butter chicken totally tasted like butter and my "green chili" naan was totally just naan with cilantro chutney. Rina totally gave me British cream soda. A literary agent totally asked me if I was from India. Someone totally recognized me from my Twitter icon. Everyone totally recognized me from my Twitter icon.
I totally woke up earlier than necessary to sign up for Kaffeeklatsches but I totally signed up for all the people I wanted to see. I totally met John Hornor Jacobs as he was checking in for our room. The gaming tent totally had GIANT PANDEMIC and GIANT TICKET TO RIDE. The Harry Potter-themed Opening Ceremonies were totally adorable. Listening to Lauren Beukes talk about writing and her career was totally inspiring. Emma Newman totally told us she was going to Kickstart the fourth Split Worlds book before she told everyone else. I was totally afraid of Peter Newman because he sounds so much like Latimer on Tea and Jeopardy. Mur Lafferty has totally arrived since someone at her Literary Beer did not even know she did podcasts. I was totally a cyborg cat with a lobster hat. I totally met Andrea Phillips in the gaming tent and Foz Meadows in the Helsinki tent. In the span of five minutes I totally ran into a Twitter friend, Julia, Moss, Miriam, Kate Elliott, Rhiannon Rasmussen-Silverstein, and Sarah Rees Brennan, which was TOTALLY WORLDCON. Mark totally wasn't sure whether he was allowed to say "eyefucking." Mary Robinette Kowal totally took a DeLorean to the Retro Hugos. I totally geeked out about the Mahabharata with Max Gladstone. The Lee Harris-hosted Sorry I Haven't a Clue was totally hilarious. Emma Newman totally sang "I Would Do Anything for Love" to the tune of "I'm a Believer." Paul Cornell totally made up clever fake headlines. Cat Valente and Seanan totally share a brain. Victoria Schwab and I totally spent half her reading talking about Edinburgh and Nashville. Amal El-Mohtar was totally excited to meet me because she totally didn't know I would be there. I had totally been a little face on Twitter and now I was totally a real person. Everyone was totally at the Fan Village bar. Julia totally signed my copy of Kaleidoscope and was totally sure she would be seeing more from me because she totally knew I could write. Andrea totally got a promotion but Wesley Chu was totally smug about not having a day job anymore. I totally met people from Twitter everywhere I went.
I totally chatted with Lauren Beukes as we Strolled with the Stars. Paul Cornell and Mary Anne Mohanraj were totally interviewed by the Guardian alfresco. Amy totally thinks the hot new thing that everyone is writing now that will be so wrong in 75 years is QUANTUM EVERYTHING. Emma Newman totally thinks of Twitter as a giant pub. Justin Landon totally taught Emma how to high-five. Goldeen Ogawa was totally my favorite person on the Diversity in Comics panel. I totally congratulated Tansy Rayner Roberts on her Best Fan Writer Hugo a year late. I totally got my Kaleidoscope signed by four more authors at the release party. Foz totally ate a lollipop with a fucking scorpion inside it. Amal El-Mohtar made a totally brilliant comparison between stories and sculptures to illustrate non-Western modes of storytelling. I was totally excited to be on a panel with Gavia Baker-Whitelaw from the Daily Dot, whom I got to know through the totally circuitous route of liking her comments on Noelle Stevenson's Twitter. We totally discussed fandom interaction with writers and actors for ninety minutes and it was totally fun. I totally mentioned Hannibal over and over. I totally didn't know the moderator of the panel was one of my Twitter followers. A Twitter friend and I were totally wearing the same Veronica Mars Kickstarter shirt. The tiki Dalek would totally destroy the Cybermen with one cocktail. Julia totally ran her panel about what teens like to read by asking actual teens to tell us what they liked to read. Carl Engle-Laird totally invited me to join his dinner table where we totally discussed the Hugos. Mint Leaves chicken tikka masala totally did not taste like chicken tikka masala but it was totally the best food in the ExCel. The food at the SFWA Reception was totally bewildering. You can totally go wrong with box wine. Ellen Datlow totally doesn't like the term "sci-fi." I totally told her my whole writing life story and she totally introduced me to perennial Fan Writer winner David Langford. I totally met a million people from Codex with cool Codex stickers on their badges. Being Amy's +1 totally helped my writing career. Sarah Rees Brennan and I had briefly met but totally did not exchange political views. Sarah was totally fucking delightful and told several totally wonderful stories. She totally got into trouble with the police in Mexico and attracted serial killers in graveyards. Everyone totally knows me as that guy who wrote about that fucking Nebulas panel. Stiles from One Direction totally has four nipples. Foz totally joined Mark for his late night event. Mark totally ruined everything for everyone for three hours.
I totally geeked out about Orphan Black to a completely full room of Orphan Black fans. A fellow panelist totally made me see a character in a more positive light. I totally dropped some show trivia that I totally thought was common knowledge but totally made the audience go "Wow." Emma Newman's Fear and Writing workshop totally drudged up an unpleasant memory that almost made me cry but everyone else was totally emotional and teary too. Mary Robinette Kowal totally joined me for lunch and we totally exchanged emotional stories. She totally gave me her new fancy business card for people she wants to keep in touch with. I totally stopped to say hi to Seanan on the way to Mary's reading and there was totally only one seat left when I got here. I totally gave it to another woman in case she'd never seen Mary before ever. I totally appreciated the Organization for Transformative Works tent and totally chilled out in there a few times. Zen Cho was totally charming in the South and Southeast Asian SFF panel. Game of Thrones is totally like Pakistani politics. I totally signed up for Zen Cho's Kaffeeklatsch because she was so totally charming. Robert Jackson Bennett totally failed to murder me and instead totally gave me an ARC of City of Stairs. Kate Elliott was totally proud of her understanding the rules of Gloom. Samson the Bearded Man totally got married twice. The panelists on the Cornetto Trilogy panel totally ate Cornettos during the panel. Carl totally quoted me in his panel about the Hugo short fiction nominees. The moderator of our New Supers panel totally introduced herself as "annoying." We totally did not talk about anything we discussed over e-mail but it was totally fun to chat about superhero comics with Mike Carey. Someone in the audience totally thought I was "utterly charming." I am totally dead to Mike Carey because I haven't read anything by him. Tobias Buckell totally wears that hat. He totally wore that hat and told us a hilarious story about Dave Truesdale. I totally met The Book Smugglers. A blogger totally took a picture of my S.H.I.E.L.D./HYDRA shirt. She totally asked where she could read me and I totally gave her my card. All the cool kids were totally at Seanan's concert. Rhiannon totally gave me Chocolate Creme Oreos to make up for a totally bland chicken sandwich. I totally wanted to take a picture with Sarah Rees Brennan because I thought she was delightful and she totally wanted to take a picture with me because she thought I was delightful. John Hornor Jacobs totally put me on the list for the Gollancz party but they totally weren't checking by the time I arrived. Miriam is totally a jerk who's read Charlie Jane Anders's book. My notes totally say "Bennett weirdo" and I totally don't know what that could possibly be referring to. Two women thought it would sound totally weird but they totally heard about me from Seanan and Mark and I sounded cool and they totally saw me on panels and I seemed cool so they totally wanted to say hi.
They were totally playing Quidditch in the Fan Village. I totally wore a llama shirt in honor of Kameron Hurley. I totally let the women talk more about feminism and magical girl. Miriam totally had notes. All of our imaginations have totally been colonized by the dominant narrative. Someone totally tried to whitesplain Diversity in YA panel and they totally wouldn't have it. My recommendation of Kaleidoscope totally caused a run on sales. I totally let the smarter people talk more about secrecy in science. I was totally the corporate shill. Sarah Rees Brennan totally had the longest signing line. Charles Stross's reading was totally full and I totally camped out in front of the room to get him to sign my book. I totally held a Hugo and it was totally heavy. Zen Cho's Kaffeeklatsch totally turned into a mini panel/discussion on the Malaysian education system and gender bias in fiction. I looked totally dashing in my suit and Amy looked totally lovely in her dress for the Hugos. I totally did not talk to Peter Davison at the reception because I'd totally never seen any Five episodes but Cat Valente totally fangirled him. I totally met David Tennant and he totally smiled when I said I loved him in Blackpool. I totally chatted casually with D.B. Weiss but totally sounded like a blithering idiot to David Benioff. Men were totally wearing rainbow ties. We totally sat one row behind GRRM and two rows in front of David Tennant. Kameron Hurley totally wrote great speeches. Cory Doctorow totally wore a cape and goggles. I totally saw David Tennant laugh at a scene from "The Day of the Doctor." Sad Puppies were totally sad. I totally never talked to GRRM at all. Someone totally brought a robot as their +1. I totally wished Andrea Phillips and I had spent more time together so we totally did that then. I totally introduced Andrea to Sarah Rees Brennan. People were totally showing my gentlemen dinosaurs tie to other people. John totally wondered whether I ever slept.
More than three people totally showed up for Kate Elliott's reading. Kate should totally read audiobooks. The Compleat Wrks of Wllm Shkspr (Abridged) was a totally hilarious way to end Worldcon. Chatting with people in the lobby and meeting more people from Twitter was a totally chill way to end Worldcon. Running into people on the Metro platform and riding the DLR with a co-panelist and audience member was a totally nice way to end Worldcon. My hostel room was totally smaller than my hotel room. I totally met Mark Does Stuff mods and was totally met by Mark Does Stuff readers. My peas were totally mushy. Mark is totally not your fucking Google. I totally gave Mark the gift of explaining a Gurren Lagann reference in "Gurren Jesus." Mark totally had to explain who Chester Cheetah was to British people. I am totally too old to stay in hostels.
I totally had an English breakfast on my last day in London again. I totally smuggled blackcurrant squash again. I was totally randomly selected for secondary screening. Mark and Johnny were totally on my flight home. I totally finished Zen Cho's story collection and read Daryl Gregory's novella. I totally need to write more fiction.