(no subject)
i don't like my mental state right now. i am punishing myself for silly reasons, like i didn't get at least 30 minutes of running one day, and i didn't finish my lab quick enough, and i didn't do my homework early enough. normally none of that would bother me, but lately i feel like hurting myself, and i'm afraid i won't be able to stop it. like on my way home today i pictured myself with a knife, and my hands were tingling like they really wanted to use it. it scares me. i don't know quite what to do. i know everything i'm punishing myself for is my own fault, but i can't bring myself to do things right. like SMP stuff. i can't do it. even when i feel like i can, i can't. i don't know how to explain it. i can't even cry. i want so bad to break down, but i can't, no matter how hard i try. i hate it. i hate my brain. i hate myself. i just want to go home.