Aspies and HFA: coping strategies for might-bes
A friend who suspects they have Asperger's Syndrome recently asked me about my coping strategies, and realising I have other possible Aspie readers I thought I'd make it open to all.
Let your friends and colleagues know what your problems are
...preferably in advance of incidents. You don't have to say it's Asperger's or HFA - "I panic if there's a loud crash, just ignore me if you find me in the corner of the kitchen wimpering" might be enough. If people respond badly to episodes it's often because they are embarrassed that they don't know what's going on or what to do.
Background noise
- Wear earmuffs or headphones with no music playing
- Take control: eliminate the source. For example, closing doors and windows or just asking people to keep it down.
Visual overload
Sunglasses can help, but hunting down and killing graphic design criminals is better.
Tactile sensitivity
- Wear natural fabrics or well-worn clothes. Wash everything that's new before wearing it.
- The best sex strategy is to explain to the other person beforehand what you do and don't do. I haven't always done this, which is not good because things like avoiding hand-holding can easily be misinterpreted.
Difficulty understanding other people's feelings
- When I struggle to feel that someone's emotions are not my fault, I picture a god-like figure literally causing it.
- I often find thoughts calming that other people probably find distressing, eg, imagining that my friends are only pretending to like me. I'm not sure if it's a good thing, but it can be useful in just feeling more calm.
Books
If you really can't stand fiction, try autobiographies. They can be really good for learning to empathise.
Overreacting to perceived threat
In some cases a lot of practise will help. For example, I was told I was never going to be able to wear contact lenses because I couldn't stick anything in my eye or let anything be stuck in my eye. After a lot of practice I can now do it. Sometimes. With some amount of difficulty.
Stimming and ticks
They don't look as spaz as you think, and if they do people might avoid you, which is not so bad if they're that shallow.
Panic
When I feel the panic rise I take a big breath and let it out noisily, counting to ten. It's a form of stimming I guess. People do think it's funny sometimes.
Socialising
- Take a prop with you to parties or pubs. Knitting or a camera is good but something other people can interact with is better: a colouring book, games, Kinder Surprises for everyone... use your imagination. I used to take felt tips with me to parties and draw pictures on my friends.
- Try not to beat yourself up for having had dreary conversations. The other person may actually have enjoyed it (they're not HFA/AS after all) and besides, whether other people enjoy themselves is not your responsibility.
Obsessions
Some obsessions, such as people that you know personally, cannot be cultivated, especially if you find yourself doing anything that might look like stalking. Treating it like an addiction - total avoidance and zero tolerance for any obsession-related thoughts - generally works.
And last but by no means least...
Sarcasm
I haven't found a way to tell when someone's being sarcastic, or joking. These days I generally assume it's sarcasm when someone says something stupid, ignorant or obvious. It makes me feel much better about the world.
Let your friends and colleagues know what your problems are
...preferably in advance of incidents. You don't have to say it's Asperger's or HFA - "I panic if there's a loud crash, just ignore me if you find me in the corner of the kitchen wimpering" might be enough. If people respond badly to episodes it's often because they are embarrassed that they don't know what's going on or what to do.
Background noise
- Wear earmuffs or headphones with no music playing
- Take control: eliminate the source. For example, closing doors and windows or just asking people to keep it down.
Visual overload
Sunglasses can help, but hunting down and killing graphic design criminals is better.
Tactile sensitivity
- Wear natural fabrics or well-worn clothes. Wash everything that's new before wearing it.
- The best sex strategy is to explain to the other person beforehand what you do and don't do. I haven't always done this, which is not good because things like avoiding hand-holding can easily be misinterpreted.
Difficulty understanding other people's feelings
- When I struggle to feel that someone's emotions are not my fault, I picture a god-like figure literally causing it.
- I often find thoughts calming that other people probably find distressing, eg, imagining that my friends are only pretending to like me. I'm not sure if it's a good thing, but it can be useful in just feeling more calm.
Books
If you really can't stand fiction, try autobiographies. They can be really good for learning to empathise.
Overreacting to perceived threat
In some cases a lot of practise will help. For example, I was told I was never going to be able to wear contact lenses because I couldn't stick anything in my eye or let anything be stuck in my eye. After a lot of practice I can now do it. Sometimes. With some amount of difficulty.
Stimming and ticks
They don't look as spaz as you think, and if they do people might avoid you, which is not so bad if they're that shallow.
Panic
When I feel the panic rise I take a big breath and let it out noisily, counting to ten. It's a form of stimming I guess. People do think it's funny sometimes.
Socialising
- Take a prop with you to parties or pubs. Knitting or a camera is good but something other people can interact with is better: a colouring book, games, Kinder Surprises for everyone... use your imagination. I used to take felt tips with me to parties and draw pictures on my friends.
- Try not to beat yourself up for having had dreary conversations. The other person may actually have enjoyed it (they're not HFA/AS after all) and besides, whether other people enjoy themselves is not your responsibility.
Obsessions
Some obsessions, such as people that you know personally, cannot be cultivated, especially if you find yourself doing anything that might look like stalking. Treating it like an addiction - total avoidance and zero tolerance for any obsession-related thoughts - generally works.
And last but by no means least...
Sarcasm
I haven't found a way to tell when someone's being sarcastic, or joking. These days I generally assume it's sarcasm when someone says something stupid, ignorant or obvious. It makes me feel much better about the world.